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Inlaws being awkward about knowing the sex - WWYD?

We are finding out the sex of the baby, everyone is happy with that, apart from the IL's.

They are demanding, to the point of being arseholes about it, that we do not tell them the sex of the baby before the birth. His father was nearly shouting at me about how much they DO NOT want to know.

Now that's all well and good, and I'm not saying I'd deliberately walk up to them and say its a ..... But once we know we will be buying things in the relevant colours and we will be referring to the baby as he/she (I hate having to say it). I pointed this out to them and their response was that they wouldn't come to our house again until after the baby is born (nice) and that if the only way was that I didn't speak about the baby at all in front of them then so be it (again, nice).

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. Who are they to dictate to us?! I really don't know how to handle the situation though, they are so forceful and make me feel about 2 inches tall, and H won't stand up to them unless he feels REALLY strongly about something. At the moment he is just saying that we won't bother with them while I'm pregnant, but I know he doesn't mean it and will keep making me go there every couple of weeks :(

Any advice? I keep wondering if I'm being awkward but then I think no it's my baby and why shouldn't I shout about the gender if I choose to?!

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Replies

  • They're being awkward - it's your baby and you're well within your right to know the sex. Your H does need to stand up for you a bit more, especially if they like to impart baby advice on you when LO is here. If they don't want to come round or see you whilst you're pregnant, it's their loss. Go and enjoy your pregnancy. x

  • I agree they are being awkward too, like DS says its your baby, your decision. And it is totally their loss if they don't want to see and share your pregnancy with you. They should be thinking of you and not making things difficult for you especially while your pregnant. Your H needs to stand up to them

  • I don't think you're being awkward.  They may prefer you to not find out, but hey, it's your turn to have children, not theirs. They're being so unreasonable.

    I'd actually take pleasure from telling them if I were you.

    On a more serious note, if it's upsetting you, your H needs to have a word.

  • Sounds like not seeing them for a while is the silver lining!

    We didn't find out and hadn't planned to either but my mum said she didn't want to know if we found out.

  • Thank you all so much! I talked to my mum earlier about it and she backed me up but I wasn't sure if she was just pandering to me to shut me up! I wouldn't say I'm upset at the moment, because I don't know myself, but as soon as we do (potentially in less than 2 weeks) I think it really will work me up then because I won't be able to relax for a second in their company, and very often I have to suffer them on my own for a few hours before H gets there from work.

    I think I'll have to have another chat with H. He hates upsetting them, but if he knows how much it will affect me I'm sure he will stand up to them. I hope anyway. I just don't know who they think they are! His mother was going on about how his other brother managed to keep it a secret even though they knew, and yes they did, but it helps when the mother is living in Germany!!!

  • Bridget Gump

    I'd actually take pleasure from telling them if I were you.

    This. It's going to happen sooner or later as it's bound to accidentally slip out. May as well enjoy it Wink

    You and baby are the most important people here, not them. Haven't they ever heard that you're not supposed to upset a pregnant lady?! H needs to have words.

  • I would point out what you have said.... You guys *will* be finding out the gender. That means referring to he/she, pink/blue, boyname/girlname. If they are adamant they can't find out (sorry, they sound like morons over this) then it leaves you all unable to discuss baby at all, because it is INEVITABLE they will find out. You absolutely are within your rights to talk about baby as you wish. Christ, it's not THEIR baby. So if they keep it up baby will be a non-subject and you won't be able to keep them posted about anything at all until he/she is born. Baby will be one big no-go area. Your way or no way!

    I really hope they wouldn't like the idea of being entirely disengaged from the whole thing and would get over themselves in a week or two.  It's rubbish for you OB.

  • Em - not their call to make.

    If they don't want to know you can avoid directly telling them, but that is as much effort as I would be putting in if I was you. Very rude, selfish and unreasonable of them.

  • Id post them a card saying its a boy/girl. Not their bloomin choice to make!

  • Bridget Gump

    I don't think you're being awkward.  They may prefer you to not find out, but hey, it's your turn to have children, not theirs. They're being so unreasonable.

    I'd actually take pleasure from telling them if I were you.

    On a more serious note, if it's upsetting you, your H needs to have a word.

    yep all of this. If they keep being nasty (which they sound as if they are), with respect, your H needs to man up and have a word. This will only be the start of it. 

    Hug

  • CK

    Id post them a card saying its a boy/girl. Not their bloomin choice to make!

    This. A card saying 'congratulations on your grandson/daughter' LOL

    I mean really, fair enough to say they don't want to know but bit OTT isn't it? Shouting etc. Tell them if they feel they can't trust you to keep it quiet when in their company then it is a shame and see them after the birth.....or don't, I would take my time with that tbh.

  • That's so unreasonable of them. It's not their decision. If they feel that strongly about it that they don't want to be around you then don't see them. It's a shame for your H though as he wont get to enjoy the pregnancy with his parents but you and the baby are the priority.

  • Agree with the others. they're being totally ridiculous. id maybe do as they wish and not contact them. they'll soon realise they're missing out on all the baby updates and hopefully feel suitably ashamed!

    Some grandparents really need to realise it's not their baby!

  • I would deliberately tell them. Who on earth do they think they are?

    OHs dad said he didn't want to know but got told anyway. He also moaned about how expensive my pram was even though he wasn't paying for it. Then to top it all of they complained we hadn't left anything for them to buy.  Because two weeks before baby is born is a great time to offer! I'm well shot of them tbh.

  • In all honesty whilst id be tempted to shout it at them or send the card idea, I'd just not bother talking to them at all about the baby like they've said. They'll soon realise how utterly ridiculous a request this is. And it would mean I wouldn't have to actively avoid it. Their loss.

    I really don't understand why people get so worked up about the whole gender surprise thing. It can only be one of two sexes!

  • I also don't see why people get so bothered about someone else's baby and what gender it is. Why would they be so massively affected by knowing your baby's gender? It's your baby.

  • to be honest I think the 'deliberately tell them' 'send them a card' idea is a bit childish. yes they are being ridiculous about it but stooping to their levell of childishness solves nothing. your H needs to have a word and tell them what you said - that you will be finding out, that you will be buying relelvant coloured things and referring to the baby as he/she so if they want to maintain a good relationship then it is unfortunately unfeasible for them not to end up finding out. say you appreciate their position and feeling on the matter but as this is your baby it will be your decision. being over the top calm and collected about it is the only sensible way to go.

    just as a thought - (leaving the shouting behind as that is OTT) how would you feel if your parents asked you not to tell them the sex? would you still say 'sod it' or would you want to try and accommodate their wishes? I only mention this as I have a really really difficult MIL and wasn't sure if I was just reacting out of habit to her - someone told me to always put my mother in the situation and see how I would react to the situation then. its a good gauge as to who is being unreasonable and to what extreme.

    (we also found out/bought relevant clothes but no-one else ever knew we knew - It can be done)

  • How dare they? I'd tell H that you aren't going to see them till baby is here so as to not accidentally upset them.

  • I'd do exactly as they said... Stay away until baby is born! Enjoy the remainding months without your inlaws! There is no way I'd be keeping my mouth shut! Also you could not tell them when baby is born incase it's the 'wrong' sex.

  • Thank you everyone, I really do feel much better and more confident to talk to H now.

    If it was my own mum, I'd sit her down and discuss it with her properly, and is say the same, that I wouldn't go up and shout it in her face but once we know we will get into the habit of saying he/she and it will be near enough impossible to not accidentally say that with all the talking we do about the baby.

    My mum would never be so silly though, she's happy with whatever we decide to do.  She's not even bothered if we know but don't tell anyone, that's the other option, however I don't really want to do this as why should I deprive my family of looking forward to a baby boy/girl just because of his awkward parents!

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