Juggling work & family - views for BBC interview please!
Hello all,
The Mumdrum will be interviewed by BBC Tees tomorrow on the subject of juggling work and family life / mums guilt, following the admission yesterday by Emma Bridgewater that she feels her young family paid the price as she built her £14M pottery empire.
I'm keen to get as many views as possible before then, so if you have time to answer the following questions / add your views that would be great.
Are you a stay-at-home mum or do you undertake paid work as well as looking after your child/ren?
Are you happy with your decision to work / not work?
If you're a stay-at-home mum do you feel guilty about not being in paid employment?
If you work do you work full-time or part-time?
If you work do you feel guilty about not being with your child/ren full time?
How do you juggle work and family life?
Any other thoughts on this topic?
Thanks in advance
Replies
Are you a stay-at-home mum or do you undertake paid work as well as looking after your child/ren? I work full time.
Are you happy with your decision to work / not work? Yes, it allows us to have the lifestyle we want, and gives me a sense of my own identity.
If you're a stay-at-home mum do you feel guilty about not being in paid employment? N/A
If you work do you work full-time or part-time? Full time hours over 4.5 days
If you work do you feel guilty about not being with your child/ren full time? Sometimes yes, but I also feel that she gets good experiences being at nursery and with other carers, and gets the best of me as I make the most of the time we have together.
How do you juggle work and family life? I have recently decided to take a half day so that I get spend it with Z, I also changed to her having he revening meal at nursery so that when we get home all I need to do is play with her and bath her etc rather than having to fit cooking in, I do that for me and my H when she is in bed. We have a rigid morning routine that gets us out of the house happy and calmly.
Any other thoughts on this topic? I think whatever parents decide to do for their family is the right decision. There are no right or wrong solutions. Personally I think I'd be climbing the walls if I was home all the time and Z would definitely not get the best of me.
As I'm part time I don't feel guilty as I do spend really good quality time with the girls when I'm off and they have great fun at nursery/my parents when I'm at work. It's definitely made my eldest more independent and confid
I work in a school so am lucky that I'm home by 4 on work days. So still able to prepare a family dinner for when my H comes home at 5. But as I mention our juggling is done between nursery for 0.5 days a week and family for the other 2.5 days I work.
I would be climbing the walls if a was a SAHM.
I worked part-time until my son was 2. Then full-time, sometimes working - on a permanent basis - 80 hours a week. Not that I'll do those levels of hours again!
I work full-time now (but currently on phased return after childbirth). I feel an enormous amount of guilt about a) working full-time, and b) having a career. I work full-time because I need to earn a full-time wage. However, I could take a lesser role, work less hours, downscale our lifestyle/mortgage but I choose not to. I love having a career, it's a huge part of me. I love the challenge and the fast pace and the responsibility. I do not get the same fulfilment from some of the aspects that are involved in staying at home. My friends who are full-time parents don't understand how my job can excite me and I feel the same about things they feel fulfilled by. I rationally listen and understand but don't believe I will ever feel as they do. So there's guilt that I am prioritising my happiness over my responsibility to be there for my kids.
I do *love* being a parent, however. And I believe that I function better as a part-time parent than a full-time parent. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel now, seeing that in black and white, but it's true. My son is 17 and during his childhood I did little that was just for me personally, and I had barely any social life. Any time I wasn't at work/studying belonged to him, in my view. Every single hour. We cooked together and I paid a friend to do some basic chores each week, and spent my non-working time with my son. His recollection is that we spent lots of time together over the years, far more than his friends did with their mums. That's not how I remember it. I remember being late out of meetings and speeding down the motorway to get to the after-school club and him being the last one there. I remember 'movie nights' where we vegged out but I answered emails or worked whilst in front of the TV with my son. On the plus side I have been able to take my son away to various places, and we have been able to afford to do lots of fun things (as well as great activities that are completely free).
I feel as though I come home from work ready to focus on my children, desperate to do so in fact. And throw myself 100% in to that. Whereas if I didn't work I wouldn't have that drive and enthusiasm to make the time count. I'm sure others can, but it's a failing in me that if I didn't have a job my days would drift by and I wouldn't be as attentive, happy or fulfilled a parent.
Are you a stay-at-home mum or do you undertake paid work as well as looking after your child/ren? I work
Are you happy with your decision to work / not work? I certainly wouldn't want to be a stay at home mum as I feel like I need an identity other than as a mother, and also I enjoy the intellectual stimulation work brings. However I do wish I had the option of working part time.
If you're a stay-at-home mum do you feel guilty about not being in paid employment?N/A
If you work do you work full-time or part-time? I work very full time. My hours are far from 9-5. Some days I leave the house before 6am, sometimes I get home at midnight. But I do set my own diary so to an extent I can be a bit flexible if I really want to be around for something.
If you work do you feel guilty about not being with your child/ren full time? No. I do feel guilty about working full time though. Working part time would be an ideal compromise. Both my children have enjoyed nursery, and have grown to be confident children, who aren't clingy at all. The eldest is very good at sharing and I feel being in the nursery environment has taught them that, as well as general social skills. I could never give them the variety of activities that they enjoy at nursery.
How do you juggle work and family life? With great difficulty! Throwing in a horse and attempting to keep fit in to the mix makes for a rather hectic lifestyle! I literally couldn't do it if my husband wasn't as hands on as he is. I also rely heavily on my parents who are luckily local to fill in the gaps a lot. I'm very lucky to have such a good support network.
Any other thoughts on this topic? I do think it's a shame when SAHM and working mums seem to go against each other. I personally couldn't cope being a SAHM, I don't have the patience for a start and I admire those who are. I don't have a choice to work though, and sadly in my niche role there are just not any part time jobs around.
Are you a stay-at-home mum or do you undertake paid work as well as looking after your child/ren? I work outside the home full time as well as looking after my two children.
Are you happy with your decision to work / not work? I don't think it was a decision at all. I have to support my children on my own. I feel I have to work to be able to support my children.
If you work do you work full-time or part-time? Full time plus.
If you work do you feel guilty about not being with your child/ren full time? Yes but the guilt is placed upon me by the role of being a mother. Part of being a good mother is worrying about your children and how decisions affect them.
How do you juggle work and family life? With great difficulty! It means I have no time for a social life as I juggle long hours with looking after two small children but they won't be small for ever so it means I ensure I do as much for them as possible.
Any other thoughts on this topic? A lot of thoughts on this topic. Quite frankly it annoys me immensely that this interviews still come up in 2014. Men are never lead through interviews in which they are encouraged to admit their guilt over building a multi-millionaire pound empire whislt their children are small. Men are not asked how they juggle workign full time with family life. Men are not asked about their feelings of guilt about leaving their children behind.
As a mother and a single mother at that I am condemned by society for working full time but if I barely survived on benefits with my children I would be criticised for that as well. You might ask how do I infer that... the word guilt being used in these questions. It is about time we stop condemning mothers for the choices they make in how they raise their children and insetad just support them in the best way possible. I would be exceptionally proud to hear that Mumdrum took this route with the interview rather than colluding with the rampant sexism in our society by smiling and nodding and agreeing that mothers feel guilty. It would be wonderful if Mumdrum turned it round and questionned why these questions are not being asked of fathers and why womens right are being eroded under this government. It would be wonderful.
Thank you all for your replies, this is really helpful.
QI - I think you make a really good point. I hope we can do your views justice tomorrow.
If anyone else would like to contribute please feel free to add your thoughts.
Cheers Sarah - it was a nice way to wander back on to the boards so to speak!
Firstly I'd just say I agree with QI. I challenge things wherever I can to try and make a difference. E.g. in a recent conversation with my father, he jokingly (it made sense in the context, sounds really mean out of context!) said to my husband "well if you got a better-paid job you could travel business class". So I replied, "No actually, once I've had the next baby *I* will be the one to try and pursue a career, you have automatically assumed it would be the man because we have children, and actually that doesn't suit us at all". He agreed!!
Are you a stay-at-home mum or do you undertake paid work as well as looking after your child/ren?
I undertake paid work
Are you happy with your decision to work / not work?
Yes
If you're a stay-at-home mum do you feel guilty about not being in paid employment?
n/a
If you work do you work full-time or part-time?
I work part time and my husband works full time. This was not our choice. We both applied for part-time hours under the flexible working policy at our workplace (we work in the same place). My request was accepted, although they knocked me down from 3 days to 2.5 days, and his was rejected. I feel this was a pure case of sexism, but we didn't challenge it due to circumstances at the time. After my second child (I am currently pregnant) I plan to request to go back to full-time and my husband will be a stay-at-home-dad until the children are both at school.
If you work do you feel guilty about not being with your child/ren full time?
No. I can admit now that I was quite unhappy at several points during my maternity leave. I am much happier now being able to spend some time thinking about something other than children and child-related things. I am not a 'natural' mother. I think parenting involves skills and some people will be better at it than others. I am not brilliant at it, although I try. At nursery my son does things I would never do with him at home (baking, planting, painting), although other mothers might.
How do you juggle work and family life?
Quite easily, but then again I have a husband who is willing to be an equal partner at home, and neither of us have particularly demanding jobs.
Any other thoughts on this topic?
I wonder how your own upbringing influences you. My mother has always worked full-time as far back as I can remember. It's only recently, as she nears retirement, that she has stepped down to part-time hours (and actually so has my father). I never felt unloved or neglected and to bring up what Counter was saying, I remember them both being around a *lot* although rationally I know that can't have been true. I remember my grandmother caring for us during holidays and am pleased as we have such a fantastic relationship now.
Oh and wanted to add... I do the nursery drop-offs and my husband does the pick-ups. People *always* comment "oh you're lucky/what a committed father" or things along those lines, or they seem surprised that I don't do it all. Why? He does exactly half, in that example!! I don't see why I, or he, should expect anything less.
Hi all,
Thanks for all your input. Here's a link to the interview: www.bbc.co.uk/.../p01z4c30 I'm on 51 minutes into the programme.
I hope I captured most of your views!
No clue why, but I can't access this. Has anyone been successful in listening?
It's working for me Counter!
Just listening too it.. and you came across really well Sarah!
Thanks CC!