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Sex life advice....

So day to day things are going well with H. He is more attentive, helps more at home, brings me flowers etc but i have major issues in the bedroom department and i am not sure how to fix it. Apologies if this is TMI....

We have been together for 11 years, married for 7. I would say i've not enjoyed DTD for 5 of those years and its getting worse. It started with me never being in the mood but doing it anyway to me now not wanting him to even touch me. Last time we DTD a few weeks ago i burst into tears straight after as i actually hated it. I told him things just didnt feel the same after the texting incident with this other girl. That was partly true but i couldnt tell him that i just hated it. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa which i am fine with but as soon as he tried to touch or kiss me i physically tensed up and told him not to as i knew it would lead to him wanting to DTD.

I couldnt even let him kiss me yesterday. I look at him and i find him attractive but anything any more than a cuddle makes my skin crawl. I know the texting will not have helped but i havent wanted to DTD with him for 5 years now. Truth be told theres not a lot in it for me and i never ever O (probably have once in 11 years) so i guess i just dont want to do it anymore.  He does all the "right" things but it has no effect whatsoever.

I have been off the pill for 3 years so i know its not that.

I just dont know how to start to fix this when i cant even kiss him or let him touch me??

Replies

  • Hi MM, sorry to hear your feeling like this. I doth I the texting thing has probably made a big impact on how you feel Bout it especially if you we're already never enjoying it. I'm sure you could talk to your doctor about low sex drive? Have you and your H tried different thing, ie, a kiss and a cuddle in bed and knowing its going to stop there sort of taking it back to the start again and getting to different stages when you feel more comfortable. H will have to understand it will take a while, even if its not all to do with the texts, its certainly not going have helped.

    I think there are lots of women out there MM that don't enjoy it very much so feel like your alone on this one but I'm sure you can help to do things about it, I hope some others can give you better advice than I can and you can get it back on track again after all these years of not enjoying it. X

  • I wish I had some amazing advice for you, but I don't. I couldn't read and run though, so here's what I've got.

    Most times me and H have sex I don't O, and when I do it's externally. I can pinpoint twice that I have had an O internally through our entire relationship. Last night we DTD, and as we are TTC it's quite frequent at the moment. We had foreplay last night which led to an O for me, and therefore made it more enjoyable. I often can't be bothered to have sex, but once we get started I quite enjoy it despite no O. It sounds like a mental block to me, and so maybe a bit of fooling around with a prior agreement that it will not lead to sex? Touching, kissing, maybe some oral, but no full on penetration? And then reassessing to see how you feel?

  • MM, the texting will definitely have had some impact on how you're feeling now. The brain is your most powerful tool and as a woman it's what makes you turned on...men are a lot simpler creatures! Do you talk about things? Can you maybe think about what turns you on and reenact it? Make it fun for you, it should be fun and a release for you and not a chore. Definitely try being more selfish (in a positive way!) and maybe get visiting Ann summers so you do O more together as let's be honest its better with! Also its proven the more you do it, the more you want it! On the other hand you're just moving forward from a big shock, you're also pregnant so probably feeling a little more vulnerable so don't push yourself if you're not ready as that won't help anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're not a robot. xxx

  • Thank you all so much for your advice.

    I think i will have to talk to him and maybe try doing stuff on the understanding it wont lead to sex to begin with. I think for me its knowing he will want to DTD as we never just fool around so i dread it before we even start.....

  • MM I think you need to be as honest as possible with your h about this, I think it will take time. A lot of this may be emotional rather than physical have you considered counselling at all? I hope you can sort this out

  • Sounds to me like you need to reconnect sexually, regardless of the texts.

    This may sound flippant but have you read the 50 Shades books? If not, could maybe help you back on the horse (so to speak) short term? I saw the trailer for the new series of One Born Every Minute where the midwives are talking about a huge baby boom, 9 months after the launch of that book . . .  

    As others have said, it's all in the mind, so maybe you need to do something to proactively reignite sexual desire in yours. But I'm no sex-pert.

  • Yes i have read the books. We have only ever had very ordinary sex. No toys or games so once my sex drive is back up i would like to spice things up again. I think i have just got really bored and the texts tipped me over the edge. As i say there's really nothing in it for me at all at the moment...

  • Can you O alone? I think that is really important to give yourself faith that you can enjoy sex, even when someone else is doing the 'work.' Sex also doesn't need to mean penetration. Before we were TTC I would say around one third of our 'sex' ended in ways that couldn't make a baby (if you get my drift!).

    Also, I know your H has been an *** and texted a bimbo. However, he never 'did' anything with her. You are the only woman he has touched, kissed, loved and slept with each night, and he realised he still loves you and is making a big effort. Now I am not saying what he did is forgivable! I'm just trying to see the positives in your situation.

    Men are simple creatures and when a bimbo hands herself to him on a plate, I think it takes a lot of them to walk away from the situation. There is a reason he didn't go off with the bimbo, it is because he loves you and his family.

  • Yes i think you are right Ducky. There is a reason he is still here with us and not her. I guess the texting made me feel unattractive too. Maybe i shoukd get some new undies to help get me in the mood....

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