Visitors...

We are having our 1st child in a few months and l am disagreeing with my husband about when people can visit. The way l see it having a baby is a big thing, it is going to be tiring, a learning curve and quite sore! I think it is fine for people to visit for a couple of hours when we are ready but not a house full of people and not the minute we get back from the hospital. He totally disagrees and wants his parents there from the off and staying at ours for a week or 2. He can’t /won’t see my perspective that it is a period of adjustment for the 3 of us and a house full of people won’t be conducive to that. Neither his family and my family don’t live nearby hence the discussion.

Is it really so bad that they hold fire for a week or so and / or stay with other family members nearby? My OH has now stomped off to work making it clear that he thinks l am the worst person in the world. Just to make clear l have the same thoughts about my family, it isn’t me making one rule for his family and one rule for mine. He is super sensitive about his family and he won’t see my point of view at all. I want to feel free to nap when l want to, lie on the sofa with the baby in my pyjamas etc which in my own home isn’t unreasonable l don’t think. Whereas l know his Mum will be tutting, telling me what l am doing wrong and giving me “well, in my day..” type stories etc. They are hard work and demanding at the best of times –l am still recovering from when they landed themselves on us for an extended period of time around the time of our wedding.
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  • I wouldn't have them stay at mine, so I cmopletely sympathise there, but I wouldn't mind how soon they visited, as long as they were considerate about how often and how long for. Maybe you each need to write down your 'ideal' arrangement and sit and work out what falls in between the two :)

  • I definitely wouldn't have them staying at home. YOu really don't want that at all. With P we had H's family and my grandparents round the afternoon we got home from hospital and it was all far too much. This time we are having no one at home for the first 48 hours at all so we can settle in with baby. Tell your H you need to comprimise by having them stay elsewhere but visit. HOld your ground on this one, i promise once baby arrives he'll se eyou were right.

  • Hi TWO, welcome to MD and congratulations on your pregnancy.

    I can honestly say there is no way in hell I'd have wanted anyone staying here. Short visits, fine. We were completely overwhelmed after a week so had a day where we said no to anyone coming, we just wanted some time alone with him. I enjoyed visitors to start with but soon started dreading the texts asking when we were free!

    Also, you don't know how you'll feel physically or emotionally. I was on an emotional high for a couple of weeks but I had a third degree tear so was on laxatives which meant I had to make sudden dashes to the loo (with one or two accidents!)

    I think you need to explain to your OH that your hormones will be all over the place and you just want to be with him and your little bundle xx

  • tell him to sod off. You're the one giving birth so you call the shots. I could think of nothing worse than having folk to stay just after birth.

  • I didn't have a problem with visitors on the day I had J, but I wouldn't have liked people staying over for a week or two.

    Surely he's a big boy, and doesn't need his Mummy and Daddy there?

    You need to find your feet with a new baby, both of you do. You don't need the stress of inlaws "helping". Tell him to grow up.

  • I got stuck with my ILs at mine for a week after B was born and it was awful.

    I was due to have a ECS on the Thursday and Hs mum was going to come and stay for the three days I would be in hospital and look after W. I'd told H I wanted her gone before I came home though. Apparently she wasn't happy about that but I didn't care.

    I ended up going into labour 3 days early and because she had already got the days booked off she decided she would still stay but by that point I was home from hospital. She was there all day every day. I wanted to just lie about in my pjs but felt I should get dressed. I wanted to be able to just whip my whole top up to get B on the boob but instead I was having to worry about covering up while still having a tiny newborn getting used to latching.

    My cs scar got infected and I think it's because I couldn't just lay on the sofa with pj bottoms pulled down to air it and instead was wearing jeans.

    H barely held B for that first week as he was so conscious of his mum not living locally to be able to see baby lots he felt he had to let her have cuddles because he could have cuddles anytime, but you can't get those early days back and I feel he missed out.

    In the end I broke down in tears to H telling him I felt the precious time for us as a family of four had been missed and he would be back at work without us having any alone time. He obviously felt stuck in the middle and didn't want to upset her ( I was angry about this as felt she was selfish off not allowing us time alone). H ended up texting his brother to ask how he should tell his mum to go and his bro obviously spoke to his mum about it because the next day she left.

    Please please do not let anyone stay at your house. If they stay elsewhere then they can just come for a couple of hours at a time. It's such a special time that you can never get back. Maybe suggest as a compromise once baby is a few weeks old they can stay then.  I really feel annoyed about what happened to me and if we had a third baby (unlikely!) I would put my foot down as would rather have H annoyed at me for a bit than deal with them staying again.

    When you're all alone just the three of you he will appreciate it and enjoy not having to share baby with everyone.

  • Agree with the others, short (and helpful!) visits are all I could manage...it truly is overwhelming and I was so sore! We got to about day 4/5 and said no more visitors as we just needed some time out. I also did a lot of skin on skin and it's difficult establishing bfing with an audience! I'd say they can visit soon after but not stay, good luck with talking to your H. I think he's being very unreasonable. One argument is that they won't get any sleep...newborns wake every hour or so through the night!

  • I asked my mom to come stay with us; she's staying for a couple weeks!!  But then, my mom is likely to be helpful, kind, not mind me lazing around in pjs and not doing anything .. She will do the dishes, make dinner, etc, and if we need time apart she is welcome to stay with my in-laws a short distance away.  If your in-laws are hard work and unhelpful then stand your ground.  Does your husband consider them hard work?  Does he understand exactly the little nuanced things that make them difficult for you? Does he understand what you're going to go through to push his child out into the world?  He's probably just super excited and wants his family to share in the excitement.  

    Have you mentioned to him the chance that things don't go to plan?  For example, if you end up in hospital for upwards of a week with baby?  These things happen, would he expect you to be coming out of that kind of hospital stay immediately to house guests?

    And if they live far away, won't they need to plan in advance?  What if they arrive early?!  My mom had to book her flight already as she's coming form Canada, though I suppose not living nearby might still just be a drive away, so potentially ignore this last point.

  • ahh i totally feel your pain.  I think you are totally justified and in truth your H is being totally unreasonable.

    I was worried about same issues as my H is French and obviously his parents are there.  I was getting myself in a right state about it from about 8 weeks(!) but broached it with my H.  I likened it to having an operation.  I asked him how would he feel if he had a major, major operation and was essentially recovering, and then my family all came to stay.  

    I thought it would be the biggest insut to his family if I suggested they couldn't stay with us and tyhey would be really offended, so I suggested they came a couple weeks after I give birth and stay for a week.  My H felt 2 weeks was too long and suggested theyt come whenever but stay in a hotel and I think I cried with relief.  I will also need to manage it and feel like they can come for a couple of hours during the day, and then maybe for dinner etc every day.

    I think you need to sit down with your H and say he is not thinking of you guys at the minute.  He needs to think of you, him and bubba and bonding and being a family unit.  If you explain how tired, stressed, exhausted you will be, the last thing you would want is having people under your feet..... I am sure he would understand

  • Oh my gosh no, I can't think of anything worse than having family staying over from the minute you return from hospital. You will need time to adjust and get used to being a family of 3. I am 39 weeks pregnant with number 2, but I clearly remember the first few days with number 1. I was tired beyond belief, I had to take 30 minute naps whenever I could, my daughter was cluster feeding so I was basically sitting on the sofa with my boobs out for hours at a time. Apart from the incredible hard work and tiredness, it was a really special time for my husband and I to bond and to start to become a family. I loved watching the special moments between my husband and daughter bonding together, and that would not have happened with his mum and dad staying over. Put your foot down, he should care more about your feelings than his parents.

  • I think your H isn't being very understanding, not to mention a bit deluded about the whole process of childbirth and adjusting to having a baby. But then again nor are your in laws if they think it'd be ok to rock up and stay at yours with a newborn...presumably your H was one once too?!

    If they must come to stay I'd be insisting they stay elsewhere - hotel or locally with other family - and I would only have them in the house under the proviso that it's for brief visits and they'd be there to help out with cooking or cleaning whilst you recover as you will have more important priorities than playing hostess. Don't turn down offers of help post birth, but accept them on your terms!

  • We've discussed visitors (no one stopping though) and H's response was whatever you want to do is what we do, you're the one giving birth. It was a relief to hear that and good to know he has my back. And he's right. It's such a massive thing, it's lovely to show the baby off but you need time to adjust to the baby, let your body and get breastfeeding established.



    All our parents are local so they'll visit and we can kick them out too. My mum will be useful luckily.
  • Oh gosh, you are definitely not BU here, and your H will really see that once baby comes. You want to be able to do exactly as you describe above, adjust together and enjoy special times that come with your brand new baby - you won't get those first weeks back. Have them visit as a compromise but definitely not to stay with you - basically what you've already suggested to him. Hope he sees sense. Could you write it down if you think he will row every time you talk about it? Big hugs, not the stress you need.

  • I definately wouldnt want anybody staying with us straight away - and I would be putting my foot down and telling your OH to do one.

    This will be our first and its the first grandchild. Everyone is so excited that I dont think we'll be able to tell anyone not to visit as they would be offended. I know I could tell my folks to leave whenever though and they would take it ok, Oh's not so much.

    Its something that I am really trying not to stress about as I know its out of my hands and maybe I will be very grateful of them!

  • The first time around I didn't want any visitors.  We had a little "baby-moon" where we were in a little bubble of newborn babyness - some was lovely, some was stressful - but it was a great chance for us to bond as a family and learn together how to do things.

    Second time around my mum came to stay for as long as we needed to help with elder child, had anticipated probably a week.   She left the morning after we got home from hospital.  It was just too stressful having her there and we needed time to learn how to be a family of four.  

  • You aren't being unreasonable also  IF your H is having the time off you don't want to loose it all having visitors. Also is it fair to have his family stay an not yours (just another argument you could use)

    We didn't have family staying but have a lot of family near by and ended up with a constant stream of visitors which did end up too some days with me or h running round with a hoover after no sleep the night before. In the end we said no to any visitors for the final few days of his paternity leave and our visitors were pretty good on the whole at only staying a few hours 2 sets of visitors in a day was too many let alone people staying.

  • I wouldn't want anyone staying, you need time to yourself as a family to adjust as well as obviously family wanting to be involved.  My MIL and I are very close and she has seen me very ill and sleeping in my PJ's on the sofa when I had a PE a few years back so that side of it wouldn't worry me BUT I think it is more to do with the bonding between you, the baby adn your husband

  • This is baby.number 2 for us but I am being firmer on visitors this time. We didn't have anyone stay over but a week of seemingly constant visitors meant we didn't relax, I barely sat down as everyone was wanting tea and couldn't seem to locate the kettle, and my baby was ratty from being overstimulated by visitors. his time I'm making sure the only visitors in he first couple of Weeks are our parents and siblings, and they'll get their own refreshments...it's even more important to me this time as our son needs time to bond with his new brother/sister too

  • Abnormal Kitty

    I didn't have a problem with visitors on the day I had J, but I wouldn't have liked people staying over for a week or two.

    Surely he's a big boy, and doesn't need his Mummy and Daddy there?

    You need to find your feet with a new baby, both of you do. You don't need the stress of inlaws "helping". Tell him to grow up.




    So it isn't just me who thinks that!

    Thanks for all of your responses ladies. Glad to hear that l am not being unreasonable –not that l thought l was but my husband has been acting like l am. To be honest for me it is a compromise them visiting. I can’t see him coming round to my way of thinking so l will have to pull rank as l am the one who is giving birth! I don’t see why l should have to feel uncomfortable and under pressure. Getting to grips with breastfeeding with my inlaws watching doesn’t really appeal! Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to find them as unreasonable and lacking in manners that l do. He isn’t a realist either with a lot of things and then l have to be the bad guy when l speak my mind about the realities of life. He probably thinks the baby will literally pop out of me and l will be cooking a roast dinner a few hours later! Plus the 3 of us will want to bond. The nearest relation lives about 1-1.5 hours away which will be a bone of contention but what can l do.

    When they stayed before the wedding they drove me mad. They just announced they were staying rather than discussing it. We made clear there were last minute wedding things that would need to be done around that time, we were swapping flower girls shoes (too small after a big growth spurt!), collecting the wedding cake, paying suppliers etc. Mother in law acted like all of it was a big inconvenience, why couldn’t she be driven to so and so’s house at the drop of a hat (usually miles away) and demanding meals at random hours of the day etc. Then she went into martyr mode. I can’t face a re-run of that especially as l doubt l will be feeling my best.
  • do you have a spare room currently? can you not turn that into the baby's nursery so there is no space for guests?

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