Would this erk you or am I being unreasonable?

I am very fortunate that my H earns just enough for me to be able to stay at home with my girls. Now don't get me wrong, he's not on a massive wage and its tight and along the way we've hard to make sacrifices. I myself no longer have any hobbies (I used to dance 3 times a week), I only get my hair done when desperate, I've gone back to plucking/shaving instead of having things waxed, I dont have any nice "treats" like manicures etc, I don't really have any new clothes unless desperate and then they're only usually from the supermarket (no point when they're only going to get sicked or dribbled on or have dirty hands or noses wiped on them!) I don't even really get time to myself. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not complaiNing as I would cut of my right arm to give my girls something.

my irritation is that my H doesn't seem to feel the same. I know he loves the girls (and me) and I am very grateful that he works to provide for us and has even been doing some extra hours but I work bloody hard too. Looking after a toddler and a baby Is not easy! And the less time he's here, the harder it is on me as I'm on my own more. I have explaines this to him yet so far this week he worked last Saturday even though he promised me the weekend to get things done round the house (he did it as he didn't want to let his mate from work down but ok to let me down?!) he's been to a club meeting last night, tonight he's going to get his hair cut and tomorrow he's going to an exhibition most of the day. I even asked him to bath the girls the other day so I could run the vac round but e came down after 5 minutes (he'd only run the bath not even got them in it) asking me to go and help as he needed a shave. he's also getting a bit lapse in his share of the housework And to top it off when he his here about 50% of the time he's on his phone!

am I being unreasonable? Would this irritate you? What would you do? I've tried talking to him but it goes in one ear and the other. I don't want this to fester and grow into resentment but at the moment I feel like I might implode! Thanks in advance x

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  • I think it probably would irritate me to a certain extent and I guess my H is a little similar.

    I'm also a SAHM and my H can work pretty long hours. Some weeks it's fine and he's home before F goes to bed but this week for, example, he didn't get home until 9:30pm on Monday and then 1am on Tuesday/Wednesday morning. Then last night he got home just after I put F to bed so not really late but late enough not to see F before he went to bed.

    On days when F has been particularly hard work or I've not felt well I've kind of got a little annoyed that I've had to deal with it all day on my own without a second thought about how I've been feeling from H. I don't have any hobbies - I do have my nails done every 3 weeks and my eyebrows waxed every 5 weeks but that's it. I started going to yoga last year but couldn't guarantee that H was home in time for me to go so I gave up. Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm going to try and make sure I make a yoga class or something once a week and H will just have to work around it. Despite

    F has also just started nursery 2 days a week so I'm fortunate in that I've started to get a bit of time to myself however so far the time has been spent just doing housework mainly. H doesn't really do any housework. He'll sometimes hoover if I ask him to but he's a bit reluctant unless it's because I'm ill! I suppose he probably thinks I have all the time in the world for that stuff now F goes to nursery.

    In the evenings H is usually glued to his phone playing games so we don't have much of a conversation!

    I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you do need to sit down and have a proper chat. I've tried talking to my H but to be honest I've given up and just get on with things now. When I think about it, I don't have things that bad so I sometimes wonder if I have a right to moan about it.

    x

  • It would erk me too. I do appreciate that everyone needs their own space and own interests but compromise works both ways. I think you should talk to him about it as if it's left to fester it will only make you resent him and that's not good for anybody.

    I will be going back to work soon and I've tried talking to H about helping me out a bit. Like making the bed and putting dishes in the dishwasher but he just turns it round on me to all my faults. I don't ask him to hoover, dust or clean in any way but I think I've realised that I will need to grit my teeth and get on with it.

    Sorry that turned into a rant but hopefully your OH will be understanding x

  • Yes it would bother me. I work 3 days and will be going back 2 days after this mat leave so slightly different. I usually do a bit more housework than H but he'll do whichever bits I ask at weekends. At the moment he does nearly all of it as I'm crippled with spd. As far as childcare goes though we are both 50:50 parents. He wants to do as much as he can with p, like bath her because he doesn't see her as much. Definitely talk to him, personally I couldn't cope with the 'it's your jo
  • b' attitude. We both chose to have children and so are both responsible.
  • Know where you are coming from.

    I'm a SAHM, and sometimes, my H works away all week, so I am alone with the kids 24/7. It's fine, they're easy kids, but when H is home, it'd be nice for him to use his initiative when it came to what needs doing.

    He's good, in that he does the cooking, and if I ASK, he'll do something, but it irks me that I have to ask.

    At weekends, he doesn't work, and would happily sit on his phone or laptop, whilst I am looking after the kids, doing housework etc. He says "i've been at work all week", and I reply "what have I been doing, sitting on my *** all day?". It winds me up that I have to ask, when it is obvious what needs doing, but at least he does it I suppose.

    It took ages for him to see that even though it is my "job", I deserve a rest as much as he does. Now, he'll take J out for a couple of hours at the weekend so I can chill, do some crafting or whatever. Could you get your H to take the kids out for a bit on his days off?

  • I don't have a toddler, or any children yet for that matter, but it would definitely irk me.  When H and I first started living together I was looking for work and there was probably about a month when I was home all the time and I did all the house work, cooking, etc.. Then I started temping and figured it wasn't as strenuous as H's work so I kept up with doing most of it, but on weekends if I asked him to help he would. Like AK, though, I always had to ask.  Then we got Wispa, I got a proper job, and it was like he still expected me to do it all: walk the dog, cook dinner, do the shopping, clean up, do the laundry, etc. and he would always be on his computer or iPad playing games.  I ended up getting angry so him explaining how unfair it was to have what amounted to two full time jobs, and he said he'd do more to help out at home.  Still, I always had to ask, he will never take the initiative.

    But now I'm not working again, so I'm doing most of it.  I keep saying things to him about when the baby comes, though.  Like, how he won't be able to play games all evening and will have to help out, bathe baby, maybe feed if we end up FF, do laundry sometimes, maybe even cook!  If I don't prepare him in this way I know I'll end up trying to do it all it, getting hormonal and angry, and eventually just explode.  I mean, he won't even put his dishes in the dishwasher without me giving him a look or saying something.  I think his mom did absolutely everything for him growing up.

  • That would full on p*ss me off!! I guarantee you he has NO idea how hard your day is, I've said before bit I think your a miracle worker having them both.

    I would definitely speak to your H, not sure if he would be up for it but could you go out for a bit, not a whole day but even a few hours to get your hair done or something and leave your H with them both just for a taster of what your daily 'job' is like!? It would give him a very different perspective on how full on your days are.

    It really is a man thing, even the doing things when you ask. Luckily my H helps out loads with housework (although I think it's a man thing that they only know to do the 'regular' things and don't see if something else needs done. I do bits of housework during the week then we blitz everything else between us on a sat morning and that's it all had a big clean.

    I leave O with my H every Sunday morning and go out for a good couple of hours walk with the dog. He has to feed, change and settle him and he's normally waiting on me arriving back to hand him over as he can't even get for a wee! Keeps it fresh in his mind what it's like being on your own though!

  • It would irk me. I suggest that you carve out some time that is for you so that he has to look after the children. This will give you a break. Even if you only go for a walk or do something else that doesn't involve being in the house it will mean that you are not there and he will help and this will give you time to breathe. Plus, even though you are not contributing financially if he is spending money on himself then you should be able to as well. You need to make sure you have a pot of money that is for you to spend on yourself not the children (even if its only enough for a cup of coffee in a local cafe). 

    When my daughter as a baby I had to explain to H that (when I was on maternity leave) although he would cook the food I would rather he'd take the baby and let me cook the food just so that I wasn't spending the entire weekend with the baby too.

    The reality is that you are at home the most and you will see the jobs that need doing round the house. I work part time, my H works full time. We have one child who is now at school. So the other days I do most of the housework which means it doesn't need doing at the weekend. I am OK doing that, I see it as only fair. However, I suspect that because it is done all the time H doesn't see that I've done it. Recently he was off work recuperating after an operation. He commented on the amount of stuff I was doing and I think he appreciated it more because he was able to see me doing it.

    But I do have to ask him to do things round the house. For example, the washing is hung up and has dried. Will he think to take it down? No. Will he do it if I ask him to? Yes.

    The phone thing annoys me as well. I just said to my H 'I don't think we talk together as much as we used to. I'd like us to make more of an effort to do that' rather than saying 'get off that xxxx phone' .

    With the bath thing getting two children ready at the same time is hard work. Perhaps doing it together is a better solution, then ask him to help you with the dusting and hoovering. Remember that if you want someone to do something for you its much better to ask them nicely rather than not. So (even though they are both of your children, and you house, etc, etc, etc, etc) it is much nicer if someone asks by saying 'will you do me a favour, will you do this' rather than 'why don't you ever help me out with xxx you lazy xxxx'

    That will just come across as hormonal complaining.

    My H once accused me of nagging. I said 'no I'm not nagging, I am asking you to do it. You will know when I start nagging' Laugh

  • It'd irk me too. I agree with some of the others get yourself out for half a day at the weekend and leave him in charge.

    What were his parents like? My Mum was a SAHM and my Dad went to work and although he took care of us occasionally, he certainly didn't do any housework or cooking, and his tea was always on the table when he got home. Maybe your H was brought up this way so thinks this is the norm.

    Can I ask a question, do you want to be SAHM 24/7? Would you like to work even if it was only a day a week? Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it feels like you miss a bit of adult company, and as well as you being mad at H for not pulling his weight, you'd also like to get out a bit.

  • Thank you so much for all your replies. I was a bit worried you'd all tell me I was being a diva and to stop moaning. Sorry if I don't reply personally to you all but will try and answer some questions/points-

    BLL, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't know about going back to work but is like to do a class or an activity that is centered around the kids where I can actually have a conversation with another adult! I feel like I've lost myself a bit. Cedar, you made me chuckle with you're "you'll know when I'm nagging" point! I tell my H if he did things the first time I asked and not the 21st then I wouldn't have to nag!  A lot of your H's sound quite similar. Unfortunately he was raised for the most part by his mom on his own who did everything for him (and still p1sses me off by buying him food like I can't manage!) so he is a bit used to it. My mom does EVERYTHING for my dad (to the point of if she's not there to make him a sandwich he'll go hungry rather than do it himself) and I always said I would never marry anyone like that! When we first moved in together we agreed to share the jobs so if I cooked, he'd do the washing up or if I did the washing, he'd Do the ironing But that seems to have gone to pot a bit. The lack of initiative really irritates me aw well! He never goes and fetches them clothes in the morning or pj's at night if I'm busy doing something else. And things like if I'd made a bottle for A and left it cooling but am then getting E dressed - he won't go and check it himself but will wait for me to finish and fetch it for him.

    I feel really bad now like I'm just slating him. He is a good dad and works hard to provide for us.

    MissDeeDee, I think you give me way more credit than I deserve especially as its afternoon and i haven't managed to get dressed yet!

    Thanks again all x

  • Ah but I KNOW the kids are changed, dressed, fed, entertained, completely cared for! That's a good mummy xxx

  • You are NBU and yes, it would irk me. Don't get me wrong, my H has his moments and pees me off sometimes, but he does get that it can be HARD at home, and that's only with one. And on the occassions he forgets, I make sure and tell him ;) I must admit, before having S, i did think I'd do the vast majority of the housework etc. as I was at home, maybe he did too. When we had him though, we both quickly realised, if I can get us dressed, cleaned, keep him safe, happy and fed that was a good day. If I could throw some tea together, even better, but if not, Hello McDonalds drive through on his way home ha ha!

    I do whatever i can around the house, I would say all the washing and sorting of clothes, the bathrooms and cleaning the kitchen floor. But he does hoovering and all the ironing (it's mainly his tbf), and will either finish tea / clean the kitchen if I'm doing Sam things. I definitely get the 'i'm at work, I'm so tired thing.' and I know he IS tired, but it is full on work being at home too, without a lunch or toilet break most of the time! So though I think it's normal that your H feels how he does to an extent, he really does need to appreciate how it is for you, and you really do need some time to yourself. I honesly don't know how I'd cope with two babies!

    Book yourself on to something, or make plans to have tea with a friend. You NEED this, and it doesn't have to cost much money. I go out fairly regularly, and H has his footy every other week, we do both need to do things for us, it's really important. It comes across you totally love your girls, but it's not about that, you need to look after yourself too, be it an hour to have a bath and do your nails, or an evening out, or hopefully both. Big hugs xxx

  • Yes this would irk me. Massively.

    How do your finances work? The bit about you having to pluck at stuff rather than book yourself in for a wax made me really sad. If you H can afford hair cuts and nights out on a whim then you should be able to afford them too - you're both putting into your household, albeit in very different ways. Why should he be the only one allowed time and treats? If he can't appreciate how much you do then maybe you need to get a few quotes in from cleaners, chauffeurs, nannies, nurses etc. and show him how much it'd cost to replace you. Hopefully he'll learn to appreciate just how much you do and how unfair he is being.

  • You are not being unreasonable, you have two very young children and need some you time!

    I had this conversation with my H the other day when I got so fed up of him not doing housework and that I had to plan my runs around his football/exercise schedule. I blew a fuse when he asked when does he get a break! Now he understands slightly more and has offered to pay for a cleaner (he is helping more with the housework but doesn't really want to do it) but saying that he hasn't put on the washing machine in the 8 years we've lived together so it wasn't just baby related.

  • Thanks everyone, I've previousky spoken to my H about me doing something for myself which he was in support of. The only problem I have is that by the time I've done tea, bath and bed with the girls I'm shattered and ready for bed myself! I might have to find something that's on at the weekend!

  • Have a look around, but as a start why not get yourself book in for a treatment or waxing or something next weekend and go for a coffee afterwards. It doesn't have to be expensive, and I bet it's less than your H spends when he nips out with his mates.

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