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ex and step son.

Is there anyone else out there whose partner has an ex and child that makes your relationship very difficult?
I myself have a child with someone else but me and my ex prefer to just get on with our lives and only speak or have contact if it involves our son and even then we get along fine.But my partners ex and son are constantly at the centre off probs in our relationship,after 3 and a half years together and a daughter together and another on way i've had enough and don't know what to do as i love my partner to bits.but their son plays his parents off against each other,although his mum won't admit thats wot he's doing but my partner is aware although he does still let his son get away with murder.His ex is constantly on the phone moaning bout one thing or another but i've just had enough as when our daughter was born she managed to make it all about their son and now i'm due to give birth again any day now she's doing it again making any excuse to moan or turn attention to herself and their son again.but after how long its been i won't stand for it this time.we've been together long enough for his son to know the rules and situation in our house and long enough for his ex to need to get her own life and leave us alone.please anyone in similar situation get in contact if you want to chat so i know i'm not the only one who is going through this.sarah.xXx

Replies

  • hi sarah, my partner has a son with his ex wife although its not as bad as the position your are in and we've been together 12 years now so its even better now too cos he's grown up but my husband still doesnt really like to say anything to his son, even now. with my kids they rarely saw their dad and when they did, i told them i dont want to know what he's doing or who with apart from the fact that its got nothing to do with me i just didnt want to know or hear his name (long storey but he treated me badly) and i didnt want to upset my hubby either but his son comes round and we get all the details of his mum whats she's doing who with why when etc etc even now he cant see that we dont wanna hear it and my hubby will try and change the subject but he will not say anything to him says he doesnt want to upset him, its the same on other subjects too but i have to go along with it cos i think well it could be worse! like your situation..but i tell my kids and do everything to try and keep the waters calm. there is no way on this earth that i would stand for his ex ringing every five mins, never and maybe that is where your going wrong and cos she has got away with it for so long she knows that she can keep doing it. he really needs to say something there for you and your relationship spud she will know like you said that she is getting away with it and causing problems for you both and its got to come from him not you, she is not his problem anymore only his son and he needs to know when he is really needed for his son and not his ex just calling and pulling the piece of string knowing that he will go running or what ever is happening. oh sarah hope everything turns out for you spud, its hard enough with step kids it takes a lot of pacience (sp) and undersanding but with and ex wife tagging along too causing problems (he really does need to pull his thumb out here, they will only do it if they know they can!) good luck. all the best for christmas.xx
  • hi thanks for your reply.I wish it was as simple as him just having to put her straight but he's told her so many times as have i she's just not clever enough to realise the world don't revolve round her.I've even taken to answering his phone,at his request,in hope off her backing off.she really is a nightmare. but I've made myself a promise that in the new years things will change and she will back off.but here's to a happy christmas and new year.lol.
  • Hi Sarah,
    I have a similar situation although my 15yr old stepson is not at all a problem, his mum can be enough problem for both of them all by herself!!!!
    I've been with my OH 2 & half yrs and I have got on fine with her although I know how 2 faced she is but I treat my stepson as my own and he loves me to pieces.
    She also has an 11yr old son with another who she is still with. Like you she constantly calls my OH with problems and if shes peed off then she takes it outta him and upsets him telling him he's a useless father and hes tight with his money etc...
    My OH takes his son out every sunday and we keep him every second weekend from friday to sunday, he gives her more then enough money a month esepcially considering shes never worked a day, shes on beenfits, doesn't pay any rent or council tax and has her OH living with her without declaring him there and him paying money and my OH giving her money as well as my OH takes his son out and buys him clothes, school stuff, shoes, trainers, takes him hairdressers when he's down, etc..
    Basically, in my eyes (considering i have a daughter and me and her dad get on fine and he doesnt even keep her that often or give me half of the amount of money my OH gives his ex) my OH is doing his fair share considering they are not together.
    We also pay extra money to have a 3 bed so his son can have his own room when he comes here as his mum cannot be bothered to get off her backside a get a 3 bed so him and his brother have to share a room.
    Anyway, now Im expecting she's come up with all sorts - 1stly telling my OH that he should get a mortgage for a 3 bed house that she can live in with the kids and her OH!!! as their son should have a room of his own!!! like thats his reponsibility. Then the phonecall came, how dare we take her sons room away from him here and why can't the baby share with my 11yr old daughter!! that needed no comment made and then the latest last night, we had my stepson round for xmas dinner with us and my OH gave him ??150 (in my eyes more then enough money for a boy whos gonna turn 15 in feb) well after he dropped him off she starts texting how tight my OH is and hes a crap dad etc and then, how I get brough tinto it i do not know but she proceeds in the text to say to my OH why haven't you told eva to get rid of the baby!!! Shes previously mentioned to him that he's already got a baby his son and to remember that!...
    Now this really upset me last night and my OH was in tears so after a hard days cooking and entertaining she completely spoiled the rest of our xmas.
    So I can empathise with you and the situation. I wish his ex would just stop bloody inteferring and leave us alone, she's just a nasty piece of work.. And somehow I know its gonna get a lot worse when the baby comes along....
    Eva xx
  • hi Eva,
    Readng your message was like reading something i could have written myself.Your OH's ex sounds like my OH's exes double.She also lives off benefits,does nothinng but whinge that she skint,yet she's always out at weekends,she smokes,is always having her hair done and my step son and his younger brother are always dressed in really cheap clothes,then bitches at us because my son and our daughter are constantly dressed in next,and all off my step sons clothes at ours are next but I work to be able to pay for them to be dressed in it,although i personally don't think all off nexts clothes are expensive and the few times we have brought him clothes to take back to hers we've never seen them again.
    She also doesn't pay rent or council tax,and every time she has a new partner he moves in with them until she moves onto the next.
    When my OH took his son back xmas day evening she asked wot me and my partner brought each other for xmas and when he said nothing she was like oh how un-romantic and stingy to which my OH replied we buy each other stuff all year round we don't need to be told a certain day off the year we have to do it.that really shut her up.ha ha.
    I really don't get what their prob is,why can't they just get over themselves.My OH's ex really annoys me cos it all boils down to jealousy with her but she dumped my OH after having cheated on him and hadn't slept with him for 7 months before splitting.She always goes on about i've got what should be hers but she'd never have what we've got cos i contribute to our house whereas she was all out for herself and if she ever got a job i think i'd drop down with shock.
    I'd really love to keep in contact as i dunno bout you but sometimes i feel like my friends feel like all i ever ring them for is to moan about my OH's ex,and as you sound like you have to pretty much put up with as much as i do it'd be nice to have a friend in same sitution.If you'd like to my email is [email protected] please feel free to email me anytime even if the whole email is just to bitch about the ex to make yourself feel better.take care,sarah.xXx

    [Modified by: sarah84 on December 27, 2006 08:19 PM]
  • Hi Sarah,

    Just read your reply and I've noted your email address so will def be in contact! I've got the opposite with my friends, I've always been the listener and the one who they call on when they have probs so unfortunately, they never have time to listen to me as even when I try to talk about things that bother me, the subject always goes back to them and their probs so it'd be great to be able to talk to someone for once!!!!!

    We haven't heard back from his ex since xmas day. Things just seem to be getting worse since she knew we were having a baby. Its weird though as she called to congratulate me and seemed genuinely happy for us. Like I mentioned, we do actually get on really well when we talk or see each other and my stepson is as good as gold, and when I say that I really mean it, I have never come across such a well mannered and well behaved nearly 15yr old boy!! So luckily for me, I don't have to deal with a stepchild who doesn't accept me.

    I think like you it boils down to jealousy. Not in the way that she wants to be with him but I think its kinda more in the way that she had a child with him exclusively and perhaps she thought that he would never have a child with anyone else or actually settle down (he told me about his past when he was younger and he wasn't exactly the faithful or settling down type). I'm the first person he's ever lived with and got engaged to and has actually loved and our baby was planned also and I think as she knows this its been more of me and him have something that he never wanted with her and now that we're having a child together, I think she feels she's lost her hold over him with money. She's VERY money orientated!! It's sad though as her son has said to me quite a few times that he wishes his mum had a job and worked like I do and wishes that they had a 3bed so he wouldn't have to share a room with his 11yr old brother. Don't get me wrong though, her priorities may not be right but I couldn't call her a bad mother. Yes she smokes, she drinks quite excessively and she takes speed but there is nothing her 2 sons don't go without and she has a huge part to play in how well mannered my stepson is so I couldn't comment on her as a bad mother.

    I just wish she would be how I am with my daughters dad. If I have an issue or need to discuss something with him, I do exactly that, call him and discuss as civilised adults. Me and him haven't had an argument in about 4 yrs. I give him no headache and have always praised him for being a fantastic dad to our daughter, I would never put him down as a father. Basically, we get on fine, our only contact is really to do with our daughter and other then that he always calls her directly on her mobile etc.... Now why does my OH's ex have to interfere in our lives, why does she always put my OH down as a father (ok so he sometimes gets his priorities wrong but I always point it out to him and she knows that I sometimes take her side on things and get him back on track), why does she have to be so mean when she doesn't get her own way.. My OH has done things for her which he never had to, ie. got her sofas a couple of yrs ago on credit in his name as she couldnt get credit as she doesn't work, he may deduct the monthly amount out of the money he gives her so at least he can control it being paid but that was going above his duty as a father to their child and she's so unbloody grateful!!!

    But for me, the most out of order thing she could have done was when she texted him and said to him why doesn't he get me to get rid of the baby. Why bring me into it? What the hell have I done!. My OH did tell me that when she got pregnant as he was only 20 and didn't want to be with her he asked her to get rid of the baby which she didn't. I told him that was out of order but at the end of the day, he said he was 20 (he's 36 now in july), he was young, he didnt love her, it wasnt planned but obviously he loves his son to bits. So I think it must be a case of her being jealous, bitter and spiteful but its been 15yrs!!!!!!!

    Right I better stop or I'll babble on for ever on this subject, first time I've been able to talk to someone about it!!!! I'll send you an email so you have my addy as well and we can continue our anger release via email!!! lol

    Eva xx
  • hi eva,
    look forward to hearing from you via email.feel free to rant and rave as much as you like or just for general chat.
    speak soon,sarah.
  • Hi Sarah, i thought i was the only person on earth going through this, but, obviously not. I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and it has been HELL where the two mothers of his children are concerned. Im 23 and hubby is 31. He has a 10yr old girl and a 8yr old girl with 'the ex wife' and a 4yr old girl with the 'ex girlfriend' and in all honestly, he couldn't have picked worst women to have kids with if he tried!!
    I have been through hell and back. They call his phone asking for money or mainly to have a row.
    The ex wife wont allow him to have the children at our house at all because she says i dont know how to look after them, when in reality its because she hates the fact the girls love me and are always asking about me. She always bad mouths me to them even though she dosn't know me.
    They haven't been together for over 6 yrs but she wants him back still so she plays stupid games, she still calls herself his wife and will only let him see his kids if he lives by himself.
    The ex girlfriend is a complete nutter. She has their daughter call my partner by his name and her boyfriend daddy, which really hurts my partner. He hardly ever has that daughter either because she dont like me. She is African and really racist against me for being white. When his little girl is with us, her mum will call and say things like: is that bitch hitting you? she's hitting you isn't she? Tell that bitch you hate her. One time, she called us up and said she wants to go out clubbing so we should have his daughter for the night, about midnight, the front door was being hammered down by the police, she called them saying i had kidnapped her, obviously forgetting to mention that my partner is her daughters Dad!
    When my partner told her we are expecting our first baby, her reply was: not for long, im going to kill that baby and the bitch carrying it. CHARMING.
    My partner does see his girls but has to go through so much too. He loves his kids and so goes through the crap. Me on the other hand dont know what to do either. If it werent for these two 'devils dressed as women!!' my life would be perfect. Loving and supportive fiance, our first baby, it would be great.

    I dont think this situation will ever go away. The other women are doing this until i have had enough and leave. But im not going to. And neither should you. I'm not going to ruin what me and my partner have because of anger, jelousy, spite and pure evilness.

    We are in love and if they cant stand it....tough.

    I know its easier said then done but, take the moral high ground. Focus on you and your family having a happy life together that will keep getting better because your strong.

    If all else fails, take comfort that they are wasting their life being bitter and twisted while your happy!!!

    P.s, never been able to talk to anyone about this before!! Feel better already!!
  • p.s. Anyone, please feel free to e-mail or message me about this topic as i seem to be an expert in hateful ex partners!!!! I've just moved to a new area so dont know anyone and other friends arent in the same situation so dont understand...or want to hear about it anymore!!! Hayley xxxx
  • Hi hayley,just quick message for now will email you later when kids are in bed,your due date is my son's birthday.sorry just thought i'd mention that.lol.So i'll speak to you later.sarah.
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