Labour Induced Miscarriage, Why I'm not on the preggie board

I finally feel ready to talk about my miscarriage.... I was 19 weeks pregnant and only went to the doctor as I was experiencing some headaches... The doctor couldn't hear a heart beat with the doppler so she said I ought to go downto the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital... Off I went thinking - I only wanted some stronger pain killers... little did I know - what that day would bring...

Two more midwives couldn't find the heart beat - so off I went still thinking positively ,for a scan... one of the midwives came with me - - looking back I should have realised that something was wrong... Then I heard the words that will stick with me forever... "I'm am so sorry but I there is no heart beat from your baby" - the world all went a bit blank after that... I had a second opinion - - not that it changed the out come...

I was taken to a room off of the labour ward... by two midwives - - it was suggested that I make some phone calls and they would be back when I called through to receeption.. I called my husband and my parents and that is when the tears started... My husband left work immediately and rushed to the hospital... my parents said they would meet us at home... I have never in my life cried tears with such emmotion and shock attached to them... it was the most awful time telling my husband that we had lost our baby...

The midwives came back and talked me through what would then happen.... they were so wonderful.... and I just couldn't control my tears... I had to take a couple of pills which would slow down my hormones and come back to the hospital 36 hours later to go through labour... My husband arrived - we had yet one more scan - of course the news was the same but it did help my husband to hear it from the consultant... we had more wonderful talks with the midwives and then took the pills - and went home... in complete and utter shock and disbelief..

My parents arrived just as we were pulling in - - and I have to say that was amazing - - otherwise we both would have just sat in the car - not wanting to continue with the next few days... . They had clearly said to themselves that they would be brave in front of us - - as they both had read teary eyes - -but the were so positive and brave when they were with us - - I don't know what we would have done without them... they live abroad normally but were still in the country from Christmas - - if they hadn't been here - - I think I probably would be still crying today... its amazing how no matter how old you are, how driven you are, or how married you are - sometimes you just need your parents - and this was one of those times...

Friday morning came .... we went off to hospital... and the process began... My husband and my mother were with me - - we were back in the same room - - it had a sofa and a double bed and an ensuite bathroom - the first pills were put up inside me and then it was a matter of waiting - - and waiting - - we talked, cried, made cups of tea... not for me - - I was just beyond anything - but very calm... then a second set of pills were taken - - - and then 6 hours after we arrived the contractions started.... The only good thing was once the contractions had finally started, the actual labour was over as quickly as possible.. We have named our little boy Charlie and biased as we are we have to say that he was as perfect as we could ever have imagined... and he will always have a very very place in our hearts..

The midwives and the rest of the hospital staff were utterly amazing and just goes to show what special people are out there...

Charlie had a little blessing in our room before we left the hospital on Friday night by the most gorgeous French Chaplin - she was able to put into words what my husband and I were and still are thinking and makes us feel happier that he is not on his own.. He has gone off to have an autopsy which will hopefully come back completely clear as we are hoping and praying that the awful reason for him dying was because there was what they call a "True Knot" in his umbilical cord - meaning that the cord had become tangled and a tight knot had become lodged so everything he needed was cut off from him.... sad but hopefully just a complete freak and terribly tragic accident.

It has now been 10 days since I first went to the doctor - - and I can say that the grief is still in full flow - - but we are making progress.... I am still bleeding heavily and have had to visit the hospital twice since the labour - - as I have managed to get an infection in my womb... I am now on 2 lots of antibiotics and 3 lots of painkillers... as my stomach feels like I have done 200 sit ups...

If there is a positive to come from this horrid time - - it's how amazing friends and family can be... we have had letters and flowers all week long - - and it has brought my husband and I much much closer - - at the moment I am still not keen to let him out of my sight..!! poor man..!! His work gave him a week off to look after me - - and I am not going back to work until the begining of Feb... time to get fit and healthy and to think about the future...

We have bought a beautiful clemantis plant and a lovely pot to bury Charlies ashes in when we finally get him back - - he will always be a part of our lives and I love the thought of being able to go our into the garden and have a little chat with him.... he will always be out first child...

I am so sorry that this is such a long posting - - but once I started writing its help me hugely to write it all down... In a way I hope it helps others who might have been through the same tragic experience... There is light at the end of the awful tunnel - - as we will be trying again - - and I will be a mummy one day... a week ago I couldn't even begin to say that - - time is a great healer...

xx

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Posts

  • I really don't know what to say but felt like i had to reply just to say how brave i think you are. x x
  • I have replied to your post on miscarriage support which I saw on the main page but I just want to say on here as well that I am sorry for your loss, I know little charlie must be watching over you & your family x x x
  • So sorry to hear about your baby! I'm glad that you have found support in your family and I hope that you are ok.

    Big Hugsxxx
  • You poor poor thing. I really feel for you-was nearly in tears myself imagining what you must have gone through. How awful to not only learn your baby had died, but to then have to go through the pain of labour too. Sending massive hugs and love your way, and hoping that in time the pain (emotional and physical) will lessen, and you'll be able to try again. I know you'll never ever forget Charlie, but hopefully a baby may help to ease the pain too. Thinking of you x x x
  • im so so sorry for you loss, my thoughts are with you xx xxxx
  • Words cannot express how awful this is for you. It must be everyones worst nightmare. Take time to heal and be strong in the knowledge that you have alot of support - make sure you use it and my thoughts are with you for the future. x
  • hi JuneBean

    Just read you message and am crying like mad. just wanted to say sorry for your loss. your family and friends sound completely amazing!
    huge hugs to you and Mr Bean and good luck for the future xxxx
  • hi. so sorry to hear your story. my best friend experianced the same thing as you in september last year . it was over whelming the grief she had, a horrible time for everyone who was close to the family.
    you must feel very privileged that charlie chose you to be his parents. my thoughts and prayers are with you both at this sad time. take care.xxxx
  • I am truly truly upset by your tragic stroy and so moved by how strong a person you are even thought we have never met. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your OH and I'm sure Charlie will be with you forever.
    Katie.x x x x
  • I am truly sorry to hear about ur loss!, No word can make u or ur husband feel better, like u say time is great healer, My neices best mate had lost her daughter a year ago full term and she is getting better each day and she said time does take a while to heal but take each day as it comes, dont be afraid to cry in front of ur family or ur bosses or ur work friends as they are there for u too!

    My thoughts are with u and ur family and take it each time hun take care

    Cheriste xxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Well I am crying too. You have been exceptionally brave to share your story with us all and I hope in some small way it's helped you. I can't begin to imagine what you have been going through. Your story has really touched me and as a Mummy to a 12 week old baby boy I know that I will hug and kiss him just that little bit more at bedtime tonight because although I count my blessings every day for him you have reminded me how precious each and every baby is to make it through their tough journeys.
    Charlie will be looking down on you, proud of his mummy for being able to cope with everything you've gone through.
    Take care my love.. xxx
  • I am so sorry to hear of the loss of baby Charlie. It sounds very much like yourself and hubby are extremely close and are supporting each other fantastically. My thoughts are with you both, Love Lee xxxx
  • i am so sorry for your loss, my nephew passed away a yr ago he was full term, so i know that it is a very difficult time,
    im sure your little charlie is playing in heavens nursery with my nephew looking after him.
    xxx



    [Modified by: nikki84 on January 13, 2008 08:20 PM]
  • I am so so sorry, I hope you know that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk and hope that you continue to heal and find some happiness as soon as you are ready. Sending lots of love and hugs through the internet to you, Look after yourself, xxx
  • you are so so brave, i cant even begin imagine what you are going through.
    my thoughts and love are with you and your family and your baby charlie will be with you forever
    lots of love
    vikki xxx
  • I lost my baby at 32wks, I know how you feel. Your doing great. Whatever feels right for you ,you should do. I lost her dec 02 99. she is cremated in a spec garden for babies near kings college hospital. Time is a great healer. God bless X
  • Oh my JuneBean, I am in tears typing this but I didn't want to read and run. I cannot imagine the pain you're going through but just wanted to send you my love and best wishes and to say I think you are incredibly brave. Baby Charlie would have been very lucky to have you as his mummy. Here's hoping you find great comfort in your family and friends, and also here on this site.

    Big hugs.

    Serena xxxxxxx
  • Honey ur story breaks my heart i can't imagine what u must be going through- i have a daughter and it would rip me apart if i lost her.
    There's nothing ican say that will make u feel better but its a credit to yourself, ur dh and family just how strong u are being i'm sure ur precious little charlie will be increadibly proud of u all!
    My thoughts are with u and ur dh i hope that in time ur hearts become less broken. Keep safe honey.

    jenna.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • I'm so sorry to hear your sad news sweetie but I am glad that you were helped by the staff at your hospital and your family. Look after yourself and your lovely husband, I'm sure that little Charlie will always be with you and the plant is a truely lovely idea.
    Big hugs, Kerry
  • I too am reading this in tears. You are a very brave woman for sharing your story and I truly hope it has helped to write it down. My little girl is 17 weeks old and means the world to me and I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I had a mc at 9 weeks and that was painful enough to deal with.
    I wish you and your husband all the love and luck in the world for the future.
    Love
    Donna
    xx
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