Am i being unfair?????

I need a little advice.

I have posted on here before about the situation with my ex and the way hes been treating me. I will bump it up when i have finished this post.

To cut to the shase i am 25 weeks 1 day pregnant with a little girl and my ex and i are no longer together (Really long story so if you dont know please see other post)

My ex has just bought a flat with 2 of his guy mates (all aged 22) and last night told me that unless i agree that he gets 2/3 nights unsupervised access to my daughter at this flat he does not want to be involved.

I have never said he cant see her and have offered to take her to see him everyday if this is what he wants.

I snapped last night and went round to speak to him and his parents face to face

I was so angry at him sitting there putting me down that i was SO tempted to just turn round and say EXACTLY why i hate him so much and tell his parents everything. From him sleeping with me and my best mate on the same day to giving me an STD to him being with me and then sniggering at me when hes with someone else just hours later BUT i regained my dignity looked straight at him and said "Ross you know you have no respect for me, i dont need to embarrass you by saying how in front of your parents but you know EXACTLY what im talking about and it needs to stop! You either treat me with respect or dont speak to me at all"

I felt a bit vulnerable cos his parents dont know the half of it and he just sat there letting them tell me what a mature and responsible boy he is and that i should realise he would never put her in harms way etc etc.


It was after them saying i should consider overnight access when i stop breastfeeding that i got upset but i stood my ground and said "sorry its not suitable for my baby and is not something im willing to discuss"

It was hard but im never gonna change my mind on this no matter how much he moans and huffs and says hes gonna disown his daughter unless i give in.

He has never so much as held a baby and i hardly know his mates,

I want my baby to have a family home with security routine and stability. I think it is best she remains with me until she is old enough to understand the situation and he has his OWN place or accepts overnight stays at his parents house whom i know i can trust.

Am i being unfair here???????

I just want to protect my daughter xxxxx


  • You sound entirely reasonable hun. If they think otherwise they can be told otherwise by a solicitor, but I think they'd be laughed out.

    Stick to your guns and make notes of everything, including the meeting you've just had.

    I hope I'd be as brave and dignified as you in the same situation! xxx
  • Well done you for bighting your tongue, I think I would have told them exactly what their precious 'mature' son is like and how badly he had treated me!

    You are not being unreasonable at all. As you say, you dont know his mates and he has no experience of babies at all. Your priority is and always will be the safety and well being of your child, and you are doing the right thing by her. Why is he so determined to have her stay over anyway? As you are willing to let him see her whenever he wants, and to let him have her overnight at his parents, then I dont think he can accuse you of being unreasonable.

    Stick to your guns, and keep records of everything. Good luck x

  • Trust me up until now ive been everything but brave and dignified up until now and have given him everything hes ever asked for.

    He hurts me cos he knows he can.

    He knows i care for him and he used this to exploit me.

    I have made some serious mistakes where hes concerned.

    I spent the day with him a week and a half ago and he was loving and caring and we ended up "toether" - i gave him the chance and thought he had changed but that same night he walked past me in a bar holding some 18 year old tramps hand and sniggered. It was then i realised he's never gonna change and that i have to stop being a walkover.

    I just want to know im doing the right thing.

    All issues with me and him to one side, i want this to be purely about the welfare of my little girl.

    I just feel VERY VERY strongly against him having her overnight in these circumstances

    Would you let your child go to a house shared by 3 young men, two of whom are not even related to her???

  • Definately not been unfair and i have no idea how u didnt snap and let everything out (u must have good hormones, lol). At the end of the day u want wats best for ur daughter and no sane person wud think wat he can offer is wats best. I completely agree with everything that u have said and i wud do exactly the same if i was in ur shoes. Kerry xxx

  • Hi babes think you are completly right to want to protect your daughter in any way you can. Personally if I were you I would feel the same about leaving him in charge of a baby, really does not sound mature or responsible enough to cope alone. Think the best suggestion would be for his parents to have your daughter with him there, bet he doesn't cope though even with their help!!! Tammi xxx
    35.3 wks
  • You need to speak to a lawyer. I think letting her spend the night in a flat where there are 2 male flatmates is risky. They might be fine, but who knows. Your baby does need her father, but you also have to consider her safety. I would stay on good terms with his parents and try to work something out with their support.The more people who love your little girl, the better. Good luck to you.
  • He is a twat - thats to put it politely.

    We spoke afterwards and as soon as we were alone he said "look mel im sorry if i have hurt you, it wont happen again"

    That was it!

    After 3 yeras of him hurting, using and playing with my emotions he says one thing and its all expected to be forgotten.

    I text him last night and said that i hope for the sake of our daughter we can work through things and be amicable and that hes hurt me alot but im willing to try put the past behind us if he is!

    He didnt reply

    Guess i know where i stand now though.

    He'l be back trying to control me again i have no doubt about that i just wish he would see how much he hurts me.

  • Exactly right to all the above, and no - there is no way on God's Green Earth I would let my child have unsupervised overnight stays with this guy, his latest tramp and his various mates.

    If his parents cannot see this then it explains how they raised such a twat - shame on them.

    You stand firm - your daughter will grow up very proud and thankful for the way you're handling this, with grace and strength. xx
  • Cheers Ladies!!!!

    I feel like im doing the right thing after all - you know how it is - he says im mad so much i wonder if its all these pregnancy hormones really driving me crazy!

    Feet on the ground and head in the air - thats how im gonna intend to play it (for now whilst im feeling strong anyway lol)

  • i think everyone agrees that u r not being unfair at all.I dnt think id even speak 2 a bloke that treated me the way hes treated u.U dnt need the stress whilst pregnant,stick 2 ur guns it sounds as though ur doing the best for your baby,hanna (13 days to go!!) xx
  • Sounds like control alot to me... TBH... you will let me have her at my flat 3 nights a week otherwise I don't want her at all... Charming..

    How about he learns to compromise, I understand your concerns and although I have hurt you my relationship from my daughter is seprate... I would love to have her in my life and if that means spending time with her at my parents untill i've learn enough skills and developed a relaltionship.. then so be it.. we can always talk about it again in the furture, when you feel more confident with me looking after her... I do understand that 3 men and a baby is a bit strange (hence the film)...

    & like what was said above to demand sooo much time from the off is unrealistic... trust has to be ernt!

    Perhaps if you can have a good relationship with his parents it's worth discussing what when on really without being spiteful (althought that might be tempting) so they can grasp what your real concerns are!

    you want to raise a little girl with good self esteem and not have which ever flavor of the week he chooses to bring over that week shown off in front of her!

    Did you not say anything to that girl in front of him? I would have... Just so you know love i'm carrying his child but your welcome to him!

    just to take away the power of him flaunting it in your face how hurtful!! and what does he hope to gain from that??

    you take care of you and bump! xxxx
  • Right shall i tell you why he 'probably' wants 2/3nights access to YOUR baby. its because if the a childs father has the child in question on overnight stays thenthe father (use the term loosely) doesnt have to by law pay CSA ive had all this with my ex. sounds like this was is just being a crafty bastard too. anyway hopw the hell you supposed to maintain a routine with all that. tell him to get stuffed. xxxxxx
  • hi mel
    it seems to me that you landed yourself a tosser! - well done for having the courage to stick up to him with his parents there! i think that maybe you should have told them about sleeping with your "mate" - make them realise that the sun dont shine from their son's ****!
    after finding out about the last post CSA - well, well!!. i think if you have the strength to let it go to court, then take him, and let them know about how "suitable" a father he is!
    could he be saying this as a way to hold power over you? as someone else said - how long before the novelty wears off for him? - he cant go clubbing etc with a baby can he!
    it would be a cold day in hell before i let my baby stay in a flat with 3 young lads - even if i was on good terms with the dad!
    keeping my fingers x that you stick to your guns
  • Artygal - I can't believe that - all so he doesn't have to pay CSA - crafty git!

    I have to say it did kind of baffle me as to why this immature little boy would want the responsibility of having a baby that much - maybe this is the answer!

    Melissa - as the others have said, stick to your guns, keep away from this silly little boy and do right by your baby - there is no way this eejit can look after a baby - he can't even look after himself!

    As for the parents - well done you for having so much restraint - but if it continues, you just tell them exactly what your issues are.

    Stay away from him hon and do yourself a favourxx (whenever you feel yourself weakening, come on here so we can give you some ear battering!!)
  • No offense to his parents, but how can they sit there and say he's mature when he's saying ''if I dont get it my way I want nothing to do with the baby''? I may be only 19 myself but that to be is no sign of maturity at all. In fact it shows exactly why your right to not let him have his way. If I were you Id point this out to him and his parents as well.
    Plus expecting a newborn to be away from its mother is also unreasonable in my opinion. If they really want something to do with the baby they should realise that this also means having something to do with you-especially while she's so young (I could understand more if he wanted unsupervised access when she was older, but not a newborn) Why does it have to be unsupervised anyway? I mean, no matter what the situation with the parents I cannot understand why a bloke would insist that his visits with his newborn would be unsupervised. It seems like he's just trying to be akward...or that he's possibly trying to get out of being a father-but wants to blame it on you rather then himself (ie. well she was being unreasonable and wouldnt let me see my daugher, rather then admitting himself that he didnt want to be involved);10051;28/st/20080729/dt/5/k/9e45/preg.png

  • Wow- OMG! This guy is totally crazy! You are so doing the right thing- trust me!

    My Dad was like that with me- he got bored and my Mum met my step dad now who for the last 12years has raised me! And although I see me dad- he's just the guy who screwed my mum over in my eyes!

    My step dad had a baby with someone (b4 he met my mum) and he was told he HAD to have suprived visits. He couldn't be left with my step brother and he is a really nice guy!

    Clearly years on they get on well now and see each other much more as they are both much older- but your so doing the right thing! Honest!

    You sound like you are trying to be fair and your clearly a lot more grown up than him- I would say keep strong and don't let him mess with you- he's playing mind games and that's not something an expectant Dad should be doing!

    Keep your chin up and if you wanna chat looks like you have a fan base here!!! image
  • You are being way nicer than I would. Think it's more of a shame you didn't blow your top and tell his folks exactly what their darling son is like, I know I would!!
    Don't let him mess with your head and don't let him near lo without a lawyer involved!
  • The main thing that stands out to me that is SO awful is that he is giving you this ultimatum, its this many nights with him or he will disown her...

    Well what type of a father is THAT????????????? What a ridiculous thing to say... so is he saying that if you agree to 1 night less than he is asking for he wont accept and doesnt want anything to do with her?????? WHAT???????? Basically if he doesnt get his way then he wont acknowledge his daughter??

    He sounds extremely spoiled and not in the least bit mature enough to even be having this conversation with you. It seems like he's notbothered about the effect on her or you, he just wants his way!!

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you and hope the messages from all the girls here give you some backing to stand up for what you know is right.

    Not read your other post but he sounds like he's really put you through the mill and you really really dont deserve that.

    Lots and lots of luck xxx
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