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friends took back violent ex!!

This isnt really pregnancy related but i just wondered what you thought?

My best friend has 2 children who are 9 and 4. The thing is when she was having her youngest, her oh was having an affair and got the other girl pregnant at the same time. She found out and they split, he moved in with the other girl and paid the perfect dad to her daughter (who was born 2 weeks after my friends son) The only time he has had anything to do with her or the kids is when he has been causing trouble. we've had to have her living with us so she could get away from him. He broke into her house, beat her with her newborn in her hands, smashed her house up and now after 4 years of hell and him shunning his kids on the street (he adopted her 9 yr old who called him dad) she has got back with him!!!!!

Why i couldnt tell you, she been living back at her mum and dads for 3 years, but as now decided their moving back in together! I just dont get it, she has even been to court and takien the injunction she got against him for beating her up. The thing is she is such a strong minded and willed person, so i dont get why she is doing it?

She rang me to tell me the news and expected me to be happy for her, but im sorry i cant. I would never let a man who had treated my kids so badly back in my life for anything. Our friendship is now on the line because she wants me to accept him back as my friend and im sorry but i cant, i've watched her and them kids go through too much to forgive.

what do you think? am i being unreasonable??


  • Hi Speckle, I have a similar situation so I appreciate how hard this is. I have a friend who went out with a guy for a few years (we all thought was a bit of an idiot from the start to be honest) and eventually he cheated on her with a neighbour! The split up and he got really violent with her and at one stage pinned her up against the wall and she told me and another good friend that she really thought he was going to kill her. It didn't end there either, he saw her out in town and they ended up having a huge row and he pushed her sending her to the ground and started kicking her!!! She too went to the police, didn't press charges but made sure he wasn't allowed in so many feet of her.
    Anyway, about a year ago now they got back together!!!!!! Me and my other friend could not believe it! We could tell she knew what we thought about it as we hadn't been shy before telling her what we though of this guy. Now she is getting married to him later this year and we are not sure if we will be invited to the wedding.
    There are no kids involved thankfully although I think they may be trying for one.

    It is really really hard to understand why they would want to be with someone who has treated them so badly. I don't think I could ever be 'friends' with him, I know people change but he did some awful things to her. But no matter what I think of her decisions she is still my friend and I want her to be happy. She has to make her own decisions and I am just hoping that she is making the right one with him and that she'll be happy. Either way I will be there for her.

    Maybe try and explain to your friend how you feel, and why you feel that way. After all if you didn't care about her you wouldn't be bothered who she got with! Hopefully she will understand that it isn't easy for you to forgive and forget what he did. x
  • hi
    after reading ur post i felt i needed to reply
    i do not really talk about my experience as i find it upsetting still
    my mum and dad divorced when i was 8 because my mum had cheated with another guy who at the time she thought was a normal guy
    anyway even tho i was 8 i told my mum i didnt like him this wasnt because he wasnt my dad i just had a feeling about him obviously she didnt listen (i was 8!!)
    by the time i was 13 he was beating my mum when drunk behind closed doors and never marked her face (he knew what he was doing) he always said sorry after and blamed the drink but what my mum didnt know was he was behaving very wrongly with me
    he would just walk into my room without knocking esp after i had had a bath/shower
    he would spy on me always hoping to catch me naked if we were ever in the house alone he would walk around naked etc
    this carried on until i was 14 nearly 15 and thats when he tried to rape me by this time i was going out alot i had gone off the rails but i was just trying to escape from him
    he didnt manage to rape him because i was a very strong headed teenager and kicked him in the balls and ran off i still didnt tell my mum as i 1. didnt think she would believe me and 2. i didnt want to hurt her
    then when i was 15 he really tried it on with me basicly asking me to have sex with him i ran off crying and my mum heard me she got up to see what was going on and i told her everything
    u would think that would be enough to kick her into action and it was at first she kicked him out but he wouldnt leave her alone he was going the i was drunk i didnt mean it etc etc i was completely shocked to discover she let him move back in one day without telling me
    i cannot tell u what happened in the next yr or so and i simply cannot remember my mind has just blanked it all out
    im told now i lived in my bedroom coming home going to room waiting for him to go bed then going to get dinner back to room which i had put a lock on door etc
    then when i was 17 i met a guy and agreed to marry him i feel bad about this as i didnt want to marry him but wanted to escape my mum and step dad anyway we had an engagement party and my mum and step-dad went after the party we went home and my step-dad beat the living crap out of me and my mum chucked him out again i was so relieved i was glad it had happened i broke off the engagement and was happy again
    i couldnt believe it when i found out my mum had gone away with him and my 2 bros from new yr i called her and she told me he was moving back in i didnt know what to do i was 17 on my own and knew i couldnt live there anymore so i moved out to my nans for a while i got a job and a flat and i didnt talk to her for 2 yrs
    eventually my bros grew up and caught him beating mum up and they were the ones who sorted him out and chucked him out he still tried to come back but each time they were there waiting from him he eventually gave up and only then did i start talking to mum again i will never forgive her but im trying to forget what she has done to me
    so what im trying to say without giving u my complete life story lol is these men NEVER EVER change they always say sorry and i really worry about if any kids come along i have lived it and yes im scarred by it but now im having my own family and no my daughter will never know a childhood like mine she is going to have the best family life ever!!!!!
    just watch ur friends back and step in if u need to as i wish someone had that with us
    vicky 38 weeks today!!!
  • Vicky

    Thanks so much for your reply, i'm sure it was really hard for you to talk about. I too know to some extent what you went through. My mum got with a new man when i was 10, he was a down and out and my mum exepted him into our lives. Over the next few years he made my life a living hell, he never came near me physically (Well except to throw punches!!) I 2 have to older bro's but at the time my youngest was in the army and my eldest had turned to drugs.

    Well anyway my life was made hell by this man, he turned my mum into a recluse, who would just drink all the time. She went from being a loving happy mum, to being a women who didnt even care if she's had a bath. I moved out when i was 14 and lived in a tent (mad i know) I left school with no qualifications and basically hated life. i tried commiting suicide when i was 15. My mum is still with this guy, she still drinks alot and now can not walk because of this. She has no money, no friends and basically no life.

    I have tried everything i can to help her but she wollows in self pity and still to this day says she was a perfect mother??!!

    I choose to change my life i went back to college, got my qualifications, have got a brilliant oh who adores me, have a job i love, financially stable,lovely home which we own and most importantly have got a gorgeous 20 month old son and a little girl on the way! and like you i would never in a million years let a man hurt my children or choose a man over them.

    These experiences only make us stronger and god help any man or women who ever tries to hurt my kids!
  • I feel very humbled. You are both extraordinary and its stories like these that put my silly little worries into perspective. Big hugs to you both.
  • i do think these things make u so so so much stronger and i know if anyone tries to hurt my lil girl i would go down 4 murder!!!!
    i hope ur friend does see the error of her ways as these men never change
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