Really upset about parents...not pg related x

I find myself getting really stressed and angry when parents 'visiting' time draws near!

Im having a little bit of a rant here because my husband doesnt want to know - sick of me moaning about them. Since i had my little girl i have spent alot of time dwelling on how i was brought up and cannot believe how me and brothers were treated as kids. My mum and stepdad never allowed us to go out, have time in our bedrooms, see friends after school, have nice food to eat or even to have nice clothes. They were always on benefits and housing benefits because my dad had a bad back and 'couldnt' work and my mum always stayed at home claiming carers allowance (until it was stopped!) so she didnt have to work. So basically they were spongers. They refused to let me go away to university because they needed the benefits they received from me to pay off debt even though i could have gone to Cambridge or somewhere brilliant! Basically i was under their thumb. So i got married at 21 quickly to a man in RAF (who i love) so that i could move away. A year later, they moved an hour away from our first posting to keep tabs on me. I HATE the way they never encouraged me to have a career (women dont need one) and unfortunately my stapfather behaved inappropriately with me but i never had the courage to tell my mum or confront me stepfather and live in fear of when the time comed for my 3 year old to ask to 'stay over' their house. Ive never told my husband this because i know he will go balistic.

My parents had such a hold over me that i never questioned them or confronted them - even though i am grown woman. But recently my mum knows something is up and getting really pissed off at me because i can no longer speak to her. I have nothing to say as all i want to do i shout out that they ruined my childhood. Had to get this off my chest. Its been building for so long. xxx

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  • Oh I really feel for you. And in a way know how you feel however in a different way (if that makes sense)

    Firstly you never ever have to let your little one stay over and you don't have to give a reason why other than no, thats your right as her mother, and certainly don't be swayed by anyone on that, particularly enlight of that fact that I am assuming your stepfathers inappropriate behave was due to you being female...

    Neither of my parents are scroungers but my mum is a terrible alcoholic and for this reason my daughter will never be staying with them overnight. I had a horrendous childhood at times with verbal abuse from my mother and basically my father didn't have the backbone to stand up to her this continues to this day.

    I can however understand the feeling that they still have a hold over you I feel like this alot and it is the most frustrating feeling.

    I do however think you should trust in your husband and tell him about your stepfather, it may well go some way to stopping him feeling as though you are moaning about your family for no real reason. I also think that he shouldn't be allowed to get away with whatever went on however I can completely understand this may not be something you wish to confront.

    I was I could offer more words of comfort other than if you are so angry with them then I would stop all contact and go it alone without them. Again I know this is easier said than done. If thats not for you then just prove to them how you can be a wonderful mother, wife and career woman and show them that their way was shocking and that woman can be more than just tied to the kitchen there for the wants and needs of their man and family..

    Good luck and I hope I haven't waffled on too long

    xxx
  • bless your heart hunny its a tough one thats for sure but unless you tell someone its gunna eat you up forever, i think you should sit down and tell your hubby if he really loves you he will listen and be supportive. i came from a fairly violent childhood which left me with lots of problems and its only now at aged 30 im dealing with my past. My hubby has seen me go from jekl and hyde frequently but he is now realising why.Im also going to a counselling support group with other women who have had similar experiences i recommend you get some help hunny it has helped me immensely. Now im getting on track and can look forward, you have your little baby on the way and your close family they will be your strength believe me once you make a positive step you will feel so much better. If you want to chat im on the march forum with you. Take care lotsa love xxx
  • Thank you so much for youe reply. I know that other people have bad relationships with their parents but all my friends are close to their parents and because i do not go into detail about my stepfather they just think my parents are a ott. Its interesting that you too feel that your parents have hold over you. I feel like if i tried to cut them off i know that they would go to the ends of the earth to find me and talk to me as they do not in any way feel that they did anything wrong - the constantly boast about what good parents they are and offer parenting tips! They are deluded. x
  • What a horrible situation. I know how you feel, as lets just say something that shouldn't have happened in our family too. I have found it a lot harder to deal with since I had my little boy (now 19 months old), and being pregnant again- being a parent myself just emphasises how wrong things like that are.

    I think it would be good to let your husband know, but obviously you must do what you feel is best- I just think that things like this do tend to come out sooner or later, and he may well feel that as the father of your little girl he had a right to know the full story, so he could help decide how best to protect her. Also I'm sure he'd want to be able to share the burden with you (it must be so, so difficult for you to have kept this to yourself) and support you. If he does blow up at your parents maybe it would be a good thing- it'd save you having to raise it yourself.

    I feel that things may be coming to a head with my family too- whilst the situation is out in the open I don't think I've really said enough about the impact on me, and now on my children (not having the healthy extended family they should have). We've just been ticking along like nothing happened, which is feeling more and more false and uncomfortable and wrong as far as I'm concerned. It's definitely made it more painful now I'm a mother.

    If you'd like to e-mail me, please do.

    I really hope you can share this, and find some peace. Take care, and God bless xxxx
  • hello niblet! Thanks so much for your reply...its nice to know that there are others out there in similar situations that can relate. Its so true that things get on top of me more in terms of my childhood now that i have my daughter. Soon after i had her i began to dwell on all the stuff that happened and started crying at one of my mum and baby groups held by the health visitors! The health visitor came round to my house and we had a chat about the pressures i had at the time and we touched on my childhood. She offered to come back each week to support me, but i declined thinking i could just bury things. Now im pregnant again its all surfacing again....Like you say - a massive blow out is brewing in the family as i have never spoken to anyone about what happened and i feel i could explode when im around them. And yet, when i want to speak, i get a huge lump in my throat and i physically cannot speak - its so weird. I would like to keep in touch with you via email....how do i find you email? Thanks again for your message xxx
  • Hi there! If you look at the bottom of my post, where the links to "profile" and "report to moderator" are, you'll see there's also a button to click on for "email"- just click on that and you should be able to e-mail me. Any problems with that link please pop another post on here to let me know. I know what you mean about burying things- unfortunately it gets to the point where that just doesn't work anymore. It'd be good to hear from you xxx
  • Oops, sorry, just noticed your e-mail, doh!!
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