Unmarried & Single Mothers- opinions needed please!

Hi ladies,
Although I have posted this for unmarried & single mother's anyone's opinions are welcome.
I am now 37 weeks pregnant & will find out tomorrow if I am going to be induced before 40 weeks or not so baby's birth is very imminent.
Basically I am not in a relationship with my baby's Dad & when I became pregnant we were just sleeping together, it was a no strings attached friendship but when my pill failed we became expectant parents.
There have been a lot of ups & downs over the months but now the baby naming is a much talked about subject & I can't seem to be able to tell him that I want the baby to take my surname.

We had discussed it a few months ago & he had said that if I were to be married in the future then the child would have a different name from me but I said that up until that point it would still have a different name from me- this made no difference. His sister has been referring to the baby using their surname & I don't want to cause another argument (there have been plenty!) with him but I need some pointers I can put to him that are valid for the baby taking my surname!

Thanks in advance
Lauren xxx

Posts

  • I have been thinking of double-barrelling but I would want his name first then mine & I know as soon as I say that he'll figure out that it's because people will always drop the 1st name not the 2nd one....This is awful! xx
  • Its a tricky one isnt it? are you both going to be bringing the baby up together? they have clearly just assumed that it will take his name and thats putting you in a very difficult position, i would tell them that as you will be the main carer and you will be the one taking the baby to appointments and things, you dont want to have to explain your relationship status to everyone you come in to contact with.
    i am unmarried but ive with my bf, the baby will be taking his name, but we do plan to marry in a few years. If we were never going to marry i wouldnt want the baby to take his surname.
    x x
  • I would double barrel and actually use both - my personal opinion is that it will give your child a better sense of identity. Start as you mean to go on - you made this baby together and no matter how your relationship with him pans out you will be forever linked by this baby. That connection might as well be by name as well as nature. If he had fled the scene from word go I may feel differently but it seems that he and his family are as excited as you about your new arrival - which is nice.

    There is nothing more saddening to me that to see two people at war over child-related issues. (Don't worry I know your not at that stage and I'm not accusing you of being like this) but I would be wary of how these things start - both parents start off wanting to do what they think is best or right but sometimes people's views differ. In a married couple or partnership you are forced to find a compromise but if you're not together it's all too easy to each act autonomously and without communication and co-operation. Before you know it your tensions and bitterness overtake events and what's best for baby has gone out of the window without either of you realising it.

    As I say, I'm not suggesting this is what is/will happen to you but I would urge you to talk to your baby's father about it and if you have any concerns explain them to him and also listen to his concerns and point of view. This is just the first decision that you are going to have to make together throughout your child's long life, so start as you mean to go on. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for your baby.

    Best wishes
  • id just say thats all if's and buts.... about if you get in a relationship later but if you get married...however right now your not sure about how much imput this lad is going to have and you have just choosen to use your surname because thats one thing your sure about! x
  • If I were you I wouldn't use a double-barrelled name. But that is just me...I don't like double-barrelled names at all (no offence to anyone who has one!), they must be so annoying later in life when your son or daughter is trying to spell out his/her name over the phone and I just...eh...dont like them. Me & my boyfriend are together and were together for over a year before I got pregnant so it's a bit easier for me - I definitely want my baby to have his name. But if I was in your situation then I would prefer the baby to have mine. Everyone always says 'Oh but you'll have a different name to your child' but why does that matter? I'd never take my boyfriends name if I did get married but I'd like my children to have his name...I dunno...just my opinion! xxx
  • Hi im going to sound really spiteful to some people right now but hope you dont all feel bad of me, i went through similar circumstances when my daughter was born except my partner and i had been together for 2half years he automatically presumed baby would take his name until i said i wanted her to take mine this caused an arguement (a big one) we are both very determined ppl who very rarely give up till we get what we want. Well when my daughter was born i was more or less straight on the phone to book an appointment for her to be registered as i had been told it could take a while to get an appointment luckily for me i got an appointment very quickly 2 days later to be fair, so we both went along to register our daughter and when it came to the surname my OH automatically said his, i was miffed to say the least but was still not quite with it from the labour, drugs, lack of sleep etc so just signed the certificate. No sooner had i walked out of the registry office and looked down to the certificate i cringed inside, i have never felt hatred so much in my life my Oh then asked what was up and i said it was the name etc how unhappy it had made me (for some reason i had it in my head she was just mine as i was classed as a single parent living with my mum as oh has enourmous debts) all he had to do was a perthetic smirk as if to say i got my own way then had the gaul to say we could go back in and get it changed to mine when he knew damn well we couldnt. i had a huge bit in my teeth and made sure he remembered he said i could change it a couple of days later when i was more myself again i was straight down to the citizens advise to find out what i could do the day after at a solicitors arrange for her name to be changed via deed poll i needed dads permission to go through with it so asked oh and he said no so i reminded him what he had said and he still wouldnt do it so i had to resort to saying i would take him to court and make him agree so he did sign to agree in the end as neither of us actually wanted to go to court it took till Ashleigh was about 4weeks old and from then on she now officially has my surname and im so so proud to call her Ashleigh Jade Ann Bradley, i have to say it did cause arguements and my Oh's family said they would NOT be coming to the christening if her name was mine but were told straight it would be there loss not mine and they came round as they realised they couldnt do anything about it and everything is fine now (it really was worth the arguements even tho i hate them). I am going to point out that my Oh and i had been split up about 6 weeks when i found out i was pregnant and if were honest i dont think we would have got back together if it wasnt for me falling pregnant, silly old me has done it again with the same person i seem to be a glutton for punishment im expecting another little girl with the same man and we are still in the same sort of situation where we tend to not get on more than we get on but for some silly reason i love him and put up with him pardon the language being a bastard (more so when im actually pregnant or have a new born as im more likely to put up with his crap and try not to stress out coz of baby) but i will say names havent been discussed this time he will just see that baby will have my surname on the birth certificate from the start (my first child is now legaally Bradley but the birth certificate can never be changed so will always say Sherratt).

    After my long rant i MUST make sure i point out to seriously think long and hard how you will feel if baby was to take his name and if like me you would be really upset by it then i would put up with all the arguements and go with what your heart tells you. So sorry if i sound like a bunny boiling cow but the story is longer and id be on here for weeks trying to explain what he is really like i.e never done a night feed in his life doesnt do changing nappies etc only thing he will do is prance around looking like a doting farther in front of ppl then when no-one's around its straight back to me doing everything even now when ive been put on strict rest because of early labour PLZ dont think bad of me Sophie 32+5 xx
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  • I could understand if you was in a long relationship but like you said it was just two friends having sex! And even though im guessing he will be involved it is your decision to which surname your baby has. Me na dmy babys father are no longer together, we split when i was 5 months pregnant but I became pregnant very early in our relationship and my boy has my surname and im so glad i made that decision!
  • I agree that you have every right to give the baby your name if the father is not going to be in a relationship with you. I think you should stand your ground. Good luck x
  • Hi everyone!
    A huge thank you for all of your varied opinions on this they have helped me to see things in a clearer light. I am going to have a proper chat with him (nightmare getting him to sit down & talk) this week about several things & this is the main priority.
    I've kind of decided that I am going to double-barrell the name & when the child is older if he/she decides to change their name then it's their choice & we have at least given them both options.
    Lauren (37+1) xxx
  • point out to him that if you give the baby his surname then when you get married in the future to someone who isn't him then the baby will still have a different surname to you!!!

    I'd be inclined to double barrel it as well, makes it easier.
  • Well done Misslaurie86 - I think you're doing the right thing to sit down and talk it through. I didn't mention before but I'm a lawyer and I have many years experience of family law and mediation and I have to say that it is always better for parents to work things out between themselves than to end up having decisions forced upon them by a courtroom of strangers. Disputes cause so many tensions and upsets no matter how well meaning or intentioned the parents are (and most usually are) and children almost always pick up on these tensions. You seem very sensible and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and most importantly your child.
  • This is a toughie!! If you could see any sort of future with this bloke, then maybe it would be best to go with his - however, if he is likely to up sticks and go once he gets a better offer (i.e. one that doesn't involve the responsibility of a child) then I'd stick with yours. After all, you are going to be the one looking after the baby for the next 18 years or so! And you will also be the one that's baked it for the whole 9 months!! Good luck hon!

    Sarah & 32 weeks Bump xx
  • i think the baby should have its mothers surname if ur not married or togther as a couple,uve been carryin the baby for nearly 9months etc it should be ur choice hun thats my opinion neway im not with the father of my child either its goin to have my surname my 1st child has my surname.
    abbie,hope+bluebump 34wk+5
  • This is something my oh and I have had numerous arguments about! we've been together for 2 years, baby due in August and his attitude was very much that because we're in stable relationship the baby should have his name. My opinion is that why should I as the mother have a different name to my child when I'm the one carrying the baby for 9 months and giving birth!! we've finally agreed to have both our names, and then if we get married I'll change my name and the baby to just his name.

    I also have a 6 year old from a previous casual relationship - no commitment, just sleeping together etc. etc. and there was never any question of her having her father's name, she has my name (although his name is on the birth certificate) as I have brought her up on my own - with him having regular contact. She's at school now and I would hate it if I had to go up to the school and have to keep explaining that I'm her mother but I have a different name - I think that's all wrong - sorry just my personal opinion x
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