to all stay at home mums...

hi i have given up work a few months ago after getting married. i have one child age 3 from a previous relationship and am 3 months preg with second. my husband works fulltime, sometimes doesnt come home til after 8pm.and has 2 days off perr week.. i would like to ask what happens in other people houses, when they are a stay at home mum and their partner works most of the time...do your partners help with children/housework inthe evenings?are you expected to so everything? this is all very new to me as i am used to being at work parttime and 3wanted to give up work to be with my daughtrer (now that i have a husband to earn etc i have been ablet o do this and feel very fortunate for the opportunity) but at times it gets me down. i feel it is very much like he works and i do everything else, to me he has it the easiest but what do you all think?what are your situations?is it reasonable to expect my husband to do things around the house when he's off or am i just pushing it? i just feel i dont get days off or evenings off whereas he does.

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  • Hi i'm a stay at home mam & hubby works full time comes home about 6ish also has the weekend off,hubby always baths lo & we take turns in giving her her bottle before bedtime,he then always gives her her dreamfeed bottle about 11sih,when he's off the weekend we take turns having a lie & he usually give her all her food through the day on both days,I do know what you mean though i am very lucky cos most of the time he's really good (although i do have to remind him sometimes!) but i do all the cleaning, most of the cooking i get up through the night if lo cries,every so often i have a hissy fit cos he's done or not done something,But if i was going to go back to work it would have been on monday so feel very lucky that i'm not cos through the hard work its too much fun being at home! & i do think its fair that he helps out like you say when do we get a coffee,lunch break? when hubby gets abit cocky about how easy it is to look after lo i go out for a few hours it soon changes his mind!!
  • thanks, i do all the cooking (he has never cooked), all the washing (he has never even asked how washing machine works) and ironing (he ironed his shirt once while i was being sick!), i have his packed lunch ready for his work and iron his shirt each morning for work. he does do the dishes like maybe once a week and will get lo into jammies if i ask but otherwise wouldnt bother.i have to take her to bed and sit with her cause she makes a fuss if its not me who goes with her and to be honest its just easier and quicker if i do it. if she wakes in the night its me who gets up with her, and if she decides its time to get up at 6am then i get up with her to let him sleep for work. he leaves his clothes in the laundry basket for washing and asks me each morning if he has clean pants, socks, tshirt or whatever and i basically feel like he is another child sometimes. i have only been married 4 months!!he works in a shop and no disrespect but i dont think it very tiring work compared to what i have to go through. i feel like a total failure if i havent managed to get stuff done. sometimes the washing basket is still over flowing when he comes home, and i have his dinner ready but may not have done the dishes..i gave up work to bring up my daughter and to not miss her wee life, not to be a slave, and thats what its beginning to feel like. how am i supposed to do it all and play with my ittle girl too? sorry for that complete rant but i just needed to get it off my chest!!!!ahhhh!!
  • this has come from my hubby he says dont iron his shirts dont do his packed lunch he'll soon look scruffy & be hungry then will start doing it himself,I would say have you tried explaining to him what you do or does he think fairys come & do it? & DONT feel a faiure just cos the washing hasn't been done there is more to life! He has to help if he he wants a perfect life of dinners on the table,washing ironing done,YOUR NOT his MUM!!! xoxo
  • thanks! i do feel that way too, but part of me feels if he is out working so i can be at home, then i should do everything else, but most of me feels that is a total 1950s attitude!! his mum did absolutely everything for him and his mum and dad were like that (mum cleaned and dealt with kids while his dad worked) and i think maybe he just expects it to be like that cause thats what he was used to. admittedy i really liked the idea of being the perfect housewife" and having things all nice for him but its just not possible, especially when the second child comes along!thanks i feel a bit better now x..i think i might suggest to him that he does his own washing and ironing just for one week (baring in mind thats only 2 of the tasks i have to do)just so he could see what i have to go through. i feel like his mother..and it doesnt feel very sexy!!!lol x
  • I really think you need to have a chat with him like you say we're not living in the 1950s yu cant do everything, i find it hard todo things & i'm not pregnant! i hate ironing so hubbt does the ironing i do the washing of clothes could you not suggest something like that? he cooks the tea you bath lo? like you say its just going to get harder once baby comes along he needs to do somethings round the house! maybe dress like his mam that might make him better!!! lol xo
  • i have been in absolute tears the last few days (while he at work and doesnt know its bothering me!)i have always tried to hide crying from my wee girl but yesterday it just all came out all of a sudden and she was cuddling me saying "aww mummy its alright dont worry" the wee lamb is so kind hearted. i think i reallly do need to speak to him. i think i am panicking now because i am never going to cope with two children and all this to do too. my house is an absolute mess to be honest because its just all got on top of me and im so so tired. last night i was painting the livingroom at midnight while he slept!! i feel like i maybe just want him to say (something that would normally annoy me like) "you shouldnt be doing that in your condition". all i hear is "have i got a shirt?" "babe can you make me a lunch while i get a bath?" and i just scurry along and do it.i so dont want my wee girl to grow up thinking she has to SERVE men. i feel my only way out is to go back to work, but then id miss out on what i wanted which was to be at home for my daughter.i only have myself to blane because when we were considering me stopping work i did say that id like it to be that i did things in the house etc.but i guess i just dodnt know how hard it would be..anyway ive worte a big essay now!!
  • OH my god you have to say something! you shouldn't be up till midnight painting but you also have to realise you cant & shouldn't do everything yourself its not the end of the world if the washing is left or the carpet hasn't been hovered for a week,I plan my week so i have one day in to clean the house if it dosn't get done cos time goes to fast i know think oh well i'll do it another day,with a 6 month old its never sparkling anyway so must be 100 times worse with a 3 year old,you have to take care of yourself & he has to HAS TO start pulling his weight! xoxo

    [Modified by: cloclo on November 03, 2007 10:52 PM]
  • Hi my hubby works nights 4 on 4 off, so on his off days yes he does help. Bathing, getting ready for bed and generally cleaning up he even the last few weeks has started to do the washing!!! I was gobsmacked. But his really trying to help me out.

    Sara
  • I think men have a really hard time in knowing the difference between a stay at home mum and a housewife!!
    A stay at home mum is exactly that - she stays at home to be a mum. If she's going to spend all day cooking, cleaning etc then she might as well go to work.
    A housewife is someone who stays at home to take care of the house and make sure all the chores are done.
    Thats what I think anyway.
    I took a year off after my lo was born and his needs came 1st.
    If he wanted to play I played etc. It was a bonus if the washing up got done.
    I just think you'll never have this tme at home again with your lo so enjoy it. I know I am.
    Vic xxx
  • I think you should definately speak to ur hubby- in his defense he probably doesn't realise the pressure you are under. I used to be like you- I would just do it all and sometimes if it irritated me rather than say something I would let loud sighs or drop hints but this does not work with men he needs you to speel it out.

    While I feel the majority of the household chores should be up to you now as technically this is ur 'job' it doesn't mean he should do nothing.

    If for example your daughter lies on in the mornings I think you should be able to also- ur hubby is perfectly capable of maikng a few sarnies for himself. I wud also ask him nicely to sort his work clothes out at night by himself- that way he will know if he has clean underwear etc. I also feel that it is not entirely ur job to get up at night and I would definately stress this one before lo comes along.

    Don't worry about coping with two kids. Just do what you can. When I was at home I found I could always find something needing done take at least one day each week out of the house for yourself and your daughter. Also at weekends I would ask oh to do any maintenance work like painting, cutting the grass etc. I am by no means sexist but he needs to do stuff too.
  • im a stay at home mam to millie who is 5 months, i do all the housework, shopping ect but my husband has to jobs, he goes to work at 130pm till 10pm on one job and his other job is a bouncer so friday saturdays and sunday he goes out the house at 1pm and doesnt come home till 3am!!!!!, it really hard as we never see him much apart from a few hours on a moring, he does get 2 days off from this day job but one gets spent just the 3 of us and the other day we have to have his other 2 kids. but when he is off he does help alot with mill and the odd washing the pots. but if it wasnt him having the 2 jobs i would have to go back to work and i dont want to miss out on anything with millie x
  • Im a kind of stay at home mum Im at home all week but work sat and sundays I do all the washing and ironing and cleaning but hubby will do the cooking some nights when im at work and hes off he will hoover and wash pot but only if I ask hes really good with lo to be honest I dont mind doing everything during the week while hes at work but I expect him to do his fair share on a weekend
  • I am a stay at home mum. My oh works tuesday - saturday and mondays as overtime. A normal week used to be I would get up and get kids sorted as he had already elft for work, and I would run round with the hoover sort cushions on sofa and do polishing and just tidy up as I go along once all done.. my oh is a delivery driver so finishes when finish... it would vary who cooked and who done what in an evening, but he often made cups of tea etc... the house was done top to bottom on a sunday an dhe would do all the washing, and even cooked a sunday lunch...

    In early pregnancy I was extremly tired and did what I could. He quite often phoned me in day to make sure I wa sin bed sleeping as I was just so tired and then he would come home and do whatever I hadnt done and cook tea...

    Now it has all changed again as I have just been diagnosed with SPD and been told to try and not do too much standing, so now I hardly do anything as he tells me off when I do.. I am not even allowed to run the hoover round....

    I do no how you feel as I feel bad that he works full time and then comes home to keep a house as well, but I no I will get a big telling off if I do... I know once the baby is here he will also help with the night feeds etc.. as he did with the other two.. only thing I know he wont do is bath lo, i dont know why but he has never done it!

    Lisa x
  • I'm just letting you all know that I suggested a stay at home mums forum on the website suggestions forum so as we could discuss things like this if any of you are interested.

    Hilary x
  • im a stay at home mum to be. due in march '08. My OH isnt too bad....he does alot around the house and has been especially busy after working long days redecorating the house.
    I sometimes feel very lonely in the day which i find hard. i havent really met anyone where we live so my day is spent with the dogs until OH gets in. I dont really mind doing the housework as i find i do it better than he does LOL.
    Del (22+3) x
  • Hi Hilary.. I think that would be a really good idea...

    Hi Del.. I would love to do some housework.. lol... tell you what come and drive to me and do mine for me so i dont feel so bad that oh is having to do it and I will supply you with plenty of cuppas...lol... I know how you feel as I dont really know anyone around here so its a case of sitting round all day on this thing!!!!
  • HI Ladies.
    I stay at home mum but with 4 already and 20 weeks preg with 5th its no picnic.
    OH works full time and often travels. He is off one and half day per week providing he is not away those days. We live abroad so away from family! He was a nightmare and still isnt great about helping with the house but he is fab with kids. He will come in and play with them and take them out for walk with dog. He will bath them, feed them etc... they love watching nature programmes with him. i do housework, cooking etc... (have ironing done as hate it and why bloody not)
    I am not anal about the house but like it clean and dust free. hate dirty windows, floors and bathrooms. I try best to keep on top but kids come first. Oh knows better than to comment on something not done.
    dont beat yourself up. You are newly wed and it takes time to adjust. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. He may not realise that his ideas are unrealistic. If his mum was like this then this is how he may think all woman are. Do a bit of crying (always works) and gently tell him how he could help. You work full time too. You just get no breaks, no pay, no hols and no thank you at end of it.
    You have to find a balance that works otherwise you will just start to resent him and the little things become the big things.

    Talk to him asap and tell him this tale (sorry its long)

    A man comes home from work to find the hall a mess with school bags, toilet roll, wet shoes and a wet dog in it! He goes in the lounge and finds crisps everywhere, scribble on the walls, toys all over and the tv blaring. The kitchen is a state. Dishes are overflowing out of the sink. The bin is full and the fridge is open with milk and juice spilling out. He is really scared by now so goes upstairs. The toilet is disgusting and the tap in the sink is still running. Towels and toilet roll are strewn all over the place. He goes in the kids room to find them watching rubbish on tv and eating junk. Wheres mummy he asks. The kids say she is in bed. He runs in thinking she is very ill. He finds her in bed reading the glossy mags and eating chocolate. What the bloody hell are you playing it he yells. The wife smiles and replies
    ' Well today I thought I would do what you think I do everyday anway....sweet f**k all'

    Needless to say he learnt the error of his ways!!1

    Good Luck
    d x
  • Im a stay at home mum, my oh works full time with weekends off but is on call 24 7. Our daughter is 21months. I do EVERYTHING around the house but I dont mind as oh brings in the money. I used to moan all the time about him not helping but it never got me anywhere and we ended up arguing all the time. I am a much happier person now for keeping my mouth shut and getting on with it. I mean i have all day to do it and if i dont do it oh doesnt care. I like to keep our home clean & tidy, it makes me feel better, not only that but it passes the time, it can sometimes be a very long week.
  • Dee dee,

    I loved that story. Although my hubby is great at helping round the house & doing his bit I honestly dont think any of them realise just how much we do around the house EVERDAY. Then theres the no pay, no holidays & no lunchbreaks as well & thats before you even start talking about the NO THANKS bit too!!!

    Although he helps its the multi tasking that really beats him at the end of the day though I think all men are the same. He cant understand why when he starts hoovering the house it always ends up worse than it was before he started & when I try to tell him thats just the joy of having a 2 year old trying to help he just laughs!!!

    Hilary x
  • My OH whinges alot about helping but we both work full time and i'm so tired i can't stand to eat at night... He usually ends up cooking but i get it in the neck. Its his job to wash up and do the washing as that is what we agreed but sometimes it takes him forever to do the washing up and he does such a bad job that i end up going through it again occassionally just for peace of my mind just wish i could stay up long enough to do something other than eat lol. His mom always tells me i'm lucky as he does so much around the house but looking after the kitchen twice a week really isn't so tough. its me that does the bathroom and the other 3 rooms in the house and does tham properly he doesn't even see why bathroom needs doing (eiow!!!) if he took care of the kitchen as much as he played playstation2 i'd be happier cooking but i hate the fact i have to put something on my feet as he's spilt something and not bothered to clean it up (opps sorry griping) anyways i'm hoping i'll be the nesty type mom who can find the energy to clean as well as look after lo!
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