Advice needed on a really difficult subject

I live with my partner and am currently 19week pregnant. The problem is as a child i was abused by my mums partner (who is also the dad to my 6month old sister). Since this happened i have only felt safe to visit my mum if my partner comes with me otherwise my mums boyfriend talks about what happened if my mum is at toilet etc. As i still visit my mum she doesnt think anything happened with her boyfriend as i dont mention it or talked about it. Problem is when my baby is here i dont mind her visiting our house on her own but without her bf and i wont be visiting her house anymore because i dont want to put my baby at risk whether it is a boy or girl. How do i explain this to her without bringing up the past and causing bad feelings as i know she will stick up for him, because i had to move in wiith my partner when i was 15 because she chose him over me.

Sorry for writing buckets but its so confusing and any advice would be appreiciated.image

Posts

  • oohhh i js wrote a reply, bt it vanished.. i shall do it again
  • u shd absolutly bring this up with ur mom!!!.. if it means protecting ur own child!!!!!... i realize it will b hard 2 bring it up, bt it is essential u do!!!..
  • Can't imagine being in your situation. I'm not really sure what to do but wanted to wish you the best. I think I'd have to be honest with my mom, but from what you've written I guess that might also mean losing her if she chooses his side again. Sorry, that's probably no help at all. I hope it all works out for you. x
  • Gosh what a difficult subject, i've never been in your situation so I dont know what advice to give! Personally I would talk to Mum and tell her the truth but like emski said its not going to be easy if she chooses his side again.
    Sorry probably been no help. XX
  • I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you, you must remember it was not your fault.

    I know it is difficult but you really do need to speak up, not just for yourself and your baby but also for you 6 month old sister. There are support groups out there who may be able to help you find the right way to broach the subject with her.

    Remember you also have a partner who will support you.

    XX
  • Poor you! But I think the others are right - if I were you I think I would talk to my mum and just ask her to listen. State the facts etc. Say how hard you find it etc. The fact that you moved in with your partner when you were 15 due to her dicisions would suggest to me that she was looking out for herself then as you need to do now. Your priority now is you and your baby so if you dont want him there, then tell her so, and once you have done that, make sure you tell him infront of her so they are both clear. Your mum should respect your decision although it might be hard, but in the long run, it is your life! Good luck! x
  • i was abused by someone i used to babysit for when i was 13. i never babysat for them again and i put it to the back of my mind. feel sick to think about it. i then seen in the news paper about a year ago that he was sent to prison for similar things. can't help but think if i had just said summin it might not have happened to the others. you have to tell her. i know it's hard but you must and i'd advise the police get involved aswell. people like that only get away with it as long as we let them. lean on your partner for support and know your not alone there's lots of people to talk to. hope that helps. good luck with everything xx
  • I agree with Rachel, something needs to be said for your sake, your babies sake but also for your little sister!!
    I understand you don't want to make things difficult with your Mum but your Mum can't take priority in this situation. You would never forgive yourself if you didn't do anything to avoid upsetting your mum and your worst fears were realised.

    There are people trained to help in situations like this I think you really need to consider talking to them!

    I don't know what more to say except I am thinking of you!!
  • I think you MUST bring it up. You will only regret the joint visits later otherwise in my opinion.

    I am facing a similar thing and there is NO WAY my baby/child is going to be effected by what happened to me. Sorry if that is a bit emotional but I guess I feel strongly about it.

    GLhun.

    xxx


  • Oh hun what an awful situation to be in.

    I have to agree with the other girls I would have to tell my mother. You have to think of you and that baby now and what about your little sister. I would have to contact the police as well , what if he ends up doing the same to her as he did to you??

    I know it's very hard and I can't imagine what you must be going through but you have to protect yourself, your baby and your little sister.

    If your mum picks him after all that you tell her then maybe for now it's the best thing for you.

    K xx
  • Hi Cloe - I really think you need to get some professional advice, I have read back over some of your other posts and you have had a tough time of things.. you need to talk through with someone who can give the right guidance about how to handle the situation. Your mum's partner is not a nice person and if he did this to you he will do it to someone else, however you may not be strong enough to do something about it without the support of a social worker etc. This is why we have a system in this country to help people who have been abused / badly treated you just need the courage to get some help. Your mum will be hurt and go through lots of mixed emotions she has had his baby so will feel a bond to him and she may not even want to believe - again this will get easier for you both but it will be a tough time ahead... if you act now you may have this resolved before your baby is born or at least you may be building bridges with your mum - in time she will also blame herself as you are also her baby... at least by asking for help you will get the support you need to get you through this and if justice is done also then this may help you. Good luck with what ever you decide and think about yourself and your baby xx
  • Hiya, i too have experience of a similar situation that i was in and totally understand why you may not have spoken about it. Its not easy or even possible for someone to break free of a situation like that and i can know how upsetting and difficult this is for you. All i can say is that you know you will protect your child. Personally, i have been forced to distance myself from my family completely. That way i know bad things cannot happen to my lo's. But, it has been very difficult and stressful. I personally would not want anything to do with my mother if i were in your position, choosing him over you is not acceptable and she is as much to blame as him if she knows some of what happened. Do you feel you need her in your life? Harsh question i know.... sorry. xxx
  • Hi Cloe,

    I really think you need some professional advice. In a previous post you said you had an abusive partner and now you are telling us you had an abusive step-dad. You need help to get yourself out of this situation and personal emotional help to start your own recovery. You clearly have unresolved issues that you have not confronted from what happpened with your step-dad and your Mum. The betrayal you must feel at your Mum choosing him over you after what he did to you, you are only 17 years old, your partner, who you said is also abusive is 10 years older than you(?).

    I do not mean this to be insulting, I say it because I care, but you are not emotionally equppied to deal with this alone.

    Have a look at this site: http://www.womensaid.org.uk

    You need proper help Cloe, and I'm sorry but much more than this forum can give you. We are not experts, we can draw from our own life experiences but ultimately you won't listen if you don't feel it applies to you. I have noticed on the previous posts you have made you never reply to everyone's advice. Is that because you don't agree, are in denial about what is happening to you, or are struggling to cope?

    Please GET HELP. You need proper professional help from people who can give you sound advice that is pertinent to you and your personal situation. You can't get that here.

    My love and best wishes to you.

    Niblett xxxxx

  • Cloe,

    I wont go into too much detail but i know someone who went through something pretty much the same and unfortunately she said nothing, she then went on to have beautiful daughters who when visiting the grandma were also abused. It messed her up and she ended up having to go through a lot of things about her own childhood with the police as well as the guilt about her daughters. She also found out that it had happened to other members of the family, and she now has to deal with the fact that it may never have happened if she had spoken up about it.

    I know it's a horrible situation to be in and only from knowing someone who has been there can I even start to imagine how you are feeling but for the sake of yourself and your child please speak to someone about this x
  • It is the hardest thing in life to sit down face to face and discuss what happened with someone that is independant and deals with issues like this everyday and someone who listens and belives you. But the sooner you do this the sooner you can start enjoying the rest of your life. This issue will always be there even if this man is not.

    For the safety of your sister and your baby you need to tell a person outside your family - Police or Social Worker. Once other people are involved the man may leave on his own instead of answering their questions! If he is so happy to talk about what happened can you record it on your phone and then show it to your mum and the police?

    Get help - you dont have to deal with this on your own, why should you? There are people who are trainined to help you and will let you make all the decissions on how to move forward, you will still be in control of what happens. You will just have the support you need.

    Good Luck
  • I told my mum when it was happening and the police also got involved but no one did anything so theres nothing more i can do
  • hiya, i replied above, i thought that you ha told your mum which is why i think that overall, if she chose her boyfriend over you, then you need to look after yourself and children first - she made her choice cloe. Do you still need to see her or can you put her out of your life now and then you will not have the worry of putting your children near him? xxx
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