Mother in Laws- how much is too much?

Hi, i have a quite, um, domineerng mother in law who my OH is close to.. when the baby is born i can just see her being round every other day interferring (in her head, trying to help)... my OH says that family coming rounf 2 or three times a week is normal?!

to be honest, i dond't mind her visisting once or twice a week if she rings first to let us know she is coming, but i am against her coming round three times a week 'to help'. If i need help i'll ask for it, but until then i don't want her imposing it on me. My OH says that i am being unreasonable

it's really causing arguments betweeen us and really upsetting me because i really can see problems developing after the baby is borm when she is round all the time trying to be involved and 'helping', but in my head interferring. My OH's brother moved abroad recently and so she has become even more clingy to my OH and in turn trying to cling to me!

what do you think? am i being totally unreasonalbe by not wanting her round more that twice a week?


  • NO!!!!

    My mil has already told me how to put baby to sleep in crib/cot (feet down the bottom unlike in my day when it was blah blah....)

    my mil thinks im giving birth to the next saviour child.
    from the way she talks about her boys, you would think shes the only person to ever have children. please stop me, i could go on and on and on!!!!

    stick to your guns, however hard it is. its yours and oh's baby!!!

    say things like how your looking forward to learning how to do things together.
  • thanks ladies, glad that i am not the only one with MIL issues!

    I wish i could get my MIL down to one fortnightly visit marnb, that would be ideal. She lives 5 mins away and is like a leech!

    will def try talking to her nearer the birth and saying that she needs to phone if she wants to come round, and that i need to focus on getting baby and mee into routine, rather then having her round all the time

    only problem is i think my OH wants her round all the time... he thinks it is like her right and that it is normal and acceptable to have her round to help me! he know's how independent i am from my parents (they live 300 miles away) and how i have fought for ten years to get that independence from them, but he is so close to his mum that he thinks i should just accept that she is going to be around all the tiem, how can i explain it to him, he just does not get it!!!!!!!! i've tried loads and he just thinks i am being difficult, but i'm so scared of losing my independence and being swarmed by this monster in law! argh!

    how did you OH's rect with your problems with your MILs?
  • i could have written that myself!!!! i am totally dredding it i am going to have to put my foot down or she will steam in and take over. she told me to put her down as a birthing partner so she can get in out of visiting hours!!! i dont fooking think so!!! ??? WTF?? lol

  • i have the complete opposite with my mil..... she couldn't give two shits that we are having a baby. Fair enough its not her first grandchild.

    My oh is her eldest and only son, and our lo will be our first baby which is a boy. My pil already have 2 grand daughters so you would think they would be a little excited about a grandson... but no my fil doesn't like boys(!!!!!!?????) and my mil just isn't interested

    Why cant inlaws (or should it be outlaws?) have a happy medium??

  • No you are definately not being unreasonable to expect anyone, whether it be MIL or someone else, to phone before they call round when you have just had a baby.

    Hilary x
  • I agree with marnb. If she keeps popping round ringing the doorbell etc when your trying to sort LO out then just say i'm really sorry but everytime you ring the phone/doorbell the baby wakes and to be honest when you finally get lo to sleep you want a nap or shower yourself.
  • i've told my hubby outright that i dont want his mum around me all the is already saying that she will be at the hospital when the baby is on its way, i've told hubby that its going in my birth plan that i dont want visitors until i say so and that same applies when we get home.he knows not to push his mother on me cause i'll just tell her, lol! remember its youur baby not hers shes had her chance.
  • well tried talking to my oh about mil issue last night, and it didn't go well ;(

    i said that i thought her coming roung twice a week was enough, and that that would mean that she could still be involved but that i could still have my independence from her (espec as his parents are divorced and so have to visit on seperate days, and his father is equally as pushy! so i think two visits each a week is fine, because that's 4 visits a week just from his parents)!!!

    well that didn't please him, he said that i was ripping his family away from him, and that it is normal to have people round helping EVERYDAY for the first couple of weeks! he said that i can't cut them out or limit them to the number of trips round that they make, or insist that they need to call first before coming round! turned into a huge thing, and i nearly eneded up sleeping on the couch at 3am image

    feel so low, i can't get him to see where i am coming from, but i can't bend and just say 'ok let them come round whenever they wants' because i know that i will get completely swamped!

    any advice on what to do?

    ps mrssmith86 can you really put in your birthplan that you don't want visistors until you say you are ready> and do the MWs listen to it? hope so because i am going to push to get that in mine because if not my MIL will be in the delievy suite demanding to be the first one to cuddle her first grandchild, prob before the placenta is even

    really don't know what to do, feel taken over by his family already ;(
  • im going by what my sister told me, she has the mil from hell. she had the whole family camped in the hallway from the minute they found out she was in hospital.her midwife was no match for her mil though who burst into the delivery room as soon as she heard the baby cry, she didnt even have the time to cover herself up! she has told me to make sure i tell the midwife that i dont want visitors straight away but make it known to ur family as well that ur midwife has these instructions(even if its only for ur mils benifit).the midwives will support ur decision because they dont want u getting stressed or upset by people making unwanted appearances.

    tell ur hubby that what worked for one person doesnt mean its going to work for u, there is no such thing as normal.being a man and having no clue to what having a baby means id say its probably is mother talking through him.
    stay strong and remember that your word is final anyway.
    hope this helps,
  • Hi Faz, (and ladies)

    I posted a moan about my MIL yesterday so completely understand how frustrated you are! My hubby is very close to his mum, whereas i'm much more independant, my mum died when i was 15 and my dad lives in America, so I have been looking after myself since I was young!

    MIL fortunately lives 100 miles away, but she keeps telling me that I won't be able to cope with a baby and i'll be on the phone to her within a week asking for help! WTF! It makes me more determined to not phone her! She has also said as soon as I go into labour, we have to call her so she can get there in time! In time for what? She's not coming in, no way on earth! She'll probably tell me I'm pushing wrong or something!

    Just so you know you're not alone, and I think your OH should be a bit more understanding but I know how you feel as my hubby is equally as unhelpful when I try to speak to him about his mum! I've decided that if my MIL says once more about how i'm not going to cope, i'm going to tell her calmly that I'm an adult, i'm intelligent and I've been looking after myself, and my younger brother ,since I was 15! I appreciate her help and support, and expect to find the first few weeks tough but I WILL COPE! And if she doesn't like it, well I get to say when she sees her grandchild!!

    good luck!

    Cas. X 28+4
  • Hiya,
    I had this discussion this weekend too - must be in the air....
    my point was that people being around isn't helpful and is more work for me to entertain them, majority of people are not actually helpful or understanding. I used the example of us bleeding for several weeks after baby comes and not being comfortable having to discretely change maternity pads and blood stained sheets for people coming round, its more work for me when I'll already have enough to do. I've insisted that as we're planning on a routine from the start that ALL visitors follow this too and can drop by between 2 and 5pm but not at any other time.
    Himself has not to call anyone when I go into labour as they'd just worry and we'll let people know after baby is born.
    I've said I know I'll appreciate some support but I'll ask for it when I need it and not have anyone's opinions pushed onto me.
    It was a stressful conversation but it was needed as I don't think most men actually understand boundaries.
    good luck!!
  • my oh never listened to me about my mil so i tried a different way. when ever i had a problem i would write in my problem book as i call it and leave the page open where my oh could see it. so my oh read it and came up stairs to me and we had a talk about it, and we managed to sort it out.

    as i see it that if you say things to them about there mothers they don't listen. but if you write it down and they read it it's totally different because your not nagging, your just putting your feelings down on paper. try this to see if he will read it and get the hint your not happy about his mother coming all the time.

    my oh now realises that his mother was trying to take over, as one day when she was round she turned round and said to how is my little boy to day. are they looking after you alright. so my oh said he's not your boy he's mine and becki's so stop saying that. and evere since she has been alot better, still got some things to sort out with her but we are getting there.

    please get this sorted before the baby comes as it will be harder when the baby is here.

    good luck hun.
  • thanks for all your replies, i feel less of an ogre now that i know that other people have a similar issue. I just don't see why my OH doesn't understand, he thinks i'm being unreasonable! i think he is underestimating how i am going to be feeling after the birth and the last thing i need is MIL milling around causing trouble.

    i know that i def need to get this sorted before baby is born, we need to be a united front and on the same page by that point,

    am putting my foot down on not ringing anyone when go into labour so no one can turn up at the delivery suite, think he'll understand that. it's just the MIL issue he doesn not get because he thinks the sun shines out of her backside and is putting her first (which is totally wrong in my opinion, it's me who is his partner not her, and he is usually really supportive!)

    it went really bad when i spoke to him that other night so i was too worried about racking the boat and bringing it up again yesterday, he said shall we just leave it and i said no lets talk about it again in a couple of days, so will try t broacj the subject again tonight.

    do you think it is unreasonable to say i don't want MIL round ours more than twice a week? and that i would like people to call before visisting so i can make sure that i and the house are decent before the arrive? Is that being mean or is that quite normal?

    sorry to go on ;(

  • i think its unreasonable for people to think they can turn up whenever they like anyway, what if ur sleeping or in the bath? maybe you should just talk to your mil on your own and make your feelings clear, what can she do about it? if she doesnt like it then tough. i know thats easier said than done but will just get out of hand if she isnt put in her place(lucky for me i dont have a problem telling my hubby and mil how its gonna be!lol)

    clare 20+4
  • Hi clare, i did think that it may be helpfult talking direct to MIL too. thought i might do it indirectly, like drop into conversation that i'm going to have to ask my friends to call before coming round, and that they wont be able to come round everyday because we will need some space, and that if they do i will not be happy... hopefully that will sink in with her too.

    want OH to be on my side though, usually we agree on most things or at the very least can find a compromise that we are both ok with, but he just does not get it this time, he's blinkered. and i feel if i stand up to MIL i need him on my side because if not MIL will moan to him and he'll say 'oh mum come round whenever you want' rather than backing me up.

    have text OH and said we need to have a talk about it tonight as i feel we need to be on the same page and supporting each other at the moment. so we will see how tonight goes :S

    fingers crossed he may finally see my side of the matter, doubt it though ;(
  • hope it all goes well for you, keep us updated
  • Oh my favorite subject! MIL or as i like to relate to as HER or IT! She is the bain of my life or was untill just before Christmas, she had already pi**ed me off in the past but she is spiteful and on the night of my engagement ....surprise engagement rang me up and asked if he had done it yet? When I asked what she was on about she just replied....whoops!? Sooo she is no longer part of my life and if she ever appologises will have a very very small part in it and my childs. She interferes and i knew she was going to do exactly the same as yours i just knew so she has done me the biggest favor ever! I am very lucky as my OH knows exactly what she is like and pre-warned me but she was ok up untill I fell pregnant. The day after we found out she told me I wasn't pregnant as hadn't yet missed a period and was dissapointed cause she had already told her friends!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please do me a favor and take the matter into your own hands, if she starts to come over when it is not convenient to you or not prior arranged say something, keep it polite but say something. I have made it clear that I don't want visitors at hospital apart from my parents, oh sees mine as he's close family and not he's own parents which i think is so very sad but my parents adore him. I will let people know when i am ready for people to visit.

    It is a shame that my MIL will miss out but it all makes complete sence to me now. oh's sister moved away years ago and only has contact when she wants, mil has only one of her address (is terribly rich) and only one phone number. She tells them when they can visit and when they do they are to stay in a hotel, she has a slotted time to go there and spend time there, she it is over she is asked to leave...I always thought that this was a terrible way to treat your own Mum but after experiencing the women at her best the SIL has it all made! The only thing is, is that MIL has never been told what she has done wrong by the SIL and so the sun shines out of her arse and we are made to look like the bad ones for not having nothing to do with her.

    So I wish you good luck with this one and I do hope you oh lends you he's support as it is just not a subject most men understand. Stick up for yourself also for bonding reasons with you little one.

    Take Care


    p.s sorry for the rant lol!
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