Family help - long story

Hi everyone, I dont know whther anyone can help me. I am having a few problems with my SIL. We normally hear from her everyday via email and probably see her at least twice a week, but since telling her we were having a baby she is completely ignorning us. I dont think its hatred towards us but she has just got married and really wants a baby of her own. She doesnt seem able to be in the same room as us. We were at a family gathering last week and someone I hadnt seen since announcing we were pregnant was asking questions about how we are etc and she just walked out and it feels so cold. I dont feel like I am rubbing it in her face as I try not to talk about the baby (although its on my mind all the time I know its not everyones priority) but its just getting me down that she cant be around us. I want to be able to talk to her as I know how she feels. We put off ttc straight after we got married as she was getting married 14 months later and wanted me to be bridesmaid and we didnt know how long it was going to take to conceive so put it off, and this nearly killed me. I have wanted a baby for so long and so I know exactly how she feels about the ache that she is going through, but I feel I would sound condescending if I do try and talk to her and I dont feel she would listen anyway. Any ideas how I can make this situation any easier? Its on my mind so much that its actually consuming my day with guilt.

Thanks if you managed to get through the ramble x

Mrs J 19+6

Posts

  • Hun I really don't think there will be anything you could do to console her, but neither should you have to either! Ignoring you and avoiding you is incredibly selfish IMO. Yes it's hard, but that's no excuse for acting like she is!

    My SIL had a LO not so long ago and I was desperate to have another baby at the time but hubby wanted to wait. No way would I have been like this with her. It hurt to see her with her LO at first, especially when hubby was holding her, but could never take that out on her.

    I think you need to concentrate on you and the bump hun and let her work it out in her own head, or maybe ask your OH to have a word with her/his mum.
  • I think the only way round it is to ask her straight out.
    It could be that they've had some news or even a mc which they didn't want to mention. When I lost my lo there were a lot of family members pregnant and although I wasn't jealous as such, i was delighted for them- it still ripped the heart out of me to plaster on a smile and make the usual baby small-talk. I did it but it felt fake so I tried to avoid when I could. Killed me more when one of them was sat smoking with a pint at 20+ wks! But that's beside the point image
    You certainly have nothing to feel guilty about and to be honest, if she is just being childish, you have more important things to worry about over next while so put her to one side.
    Good luck x
  • Thank you both of you. Mummychop - I know that she hasnt even started ttc and I think half the problem is her new hubby is 40 next month and already has a 13 year old so isnt actually convinced he wants another child. As I mentioned I know it is hard as I had to watch my sister have 2 in the years I have been aching for a baby and I am glad I waited because I always wanted to get married before we even tried. I just feel really sad that she is ignorning DH as they are/were so close and at the moment its a bit frosty. I suppose both of you are right in that I cant actually help how she feels and I dont think anything I say or do will help the situation. I just hope she accepts it sooner rather than later (that sounded mean but I dont know how else to word it).

    Thanks again x
  • I agree with the above comments. Pregnancy can be stressful enough without worrying about upsetting somebody with your happy news.
    I personally think that you need to ask her whats wrong and that you've noticed she hasn't been in contact recently. To avoid confrontation which could be uncomfortable for you both, why don't you email her? Give her a few days to reply then if you haven't heard anything, call her.
    Good luck, xx
  • From your reply it sounds like she's maybe having to accept that she may not have a child as her hubby isn't sure and she's finding it difficult seeing you now because of this?! Even if this is the case, it's still not fair on you. Surely she hasn't just found out that her hubby might not want another child as most couples discuss the subject before marriage!

    You really do just have to stop worrying about it and concentrate on your little family image she'll come round eventually.
  • I'm having a hormonal day - so sorry if this sounds harsh BUT she needs to grow up! She is acting like a right selfish cow, kicking her toys out of the pram because your having a baby and she isn't.

    It is hard watching someone have a baby when you are desperate to, and can't - but most (grown-ups) see any new baby in the family as a blessing and don't feel the need to try and spoil what should be a lovely time - just out of spite and jealousy!

    How lovely of you to delay TTC just for her by the way, and what a shame that she doesn't seem to appreciate it.

    Like I said - sorry if that sounds blunt, but quite frankly - she needs a slap!
  • You could consider asking her to be Godmother if you think she's upset at maybe missing out, if you're having lo christened that is? Might help her feel involved as well as see this as an exciting time to welcome a new family member rather than a reminder of what she doesn't or may not have.
    I know it's easy for us to say she has to accept it but you're the one going through it and missing a friend I guess x
  • Thanks everyone :\) At least I know I am not feeling this way for no reason and being over dramatic. I just feel a bit blue, maybe its the hormones. DH doesnt seem too fussed and thinks she will come round to the idea some day... some day!?!? oh well. I guess there isnt much I can do as I just dont think she will talk to me until she is ready so just leave it. But thank you all. Must just be having a down day. Love these hormones dont you? image
  • i agree with everyone, she is def in the wrong (if theres a right and wrong in this) but there might be more to it that she's not sharing?? I think your right to just leave it for the time being, and she could certainly do with being more suportive of you regardless!!

    I do know where your coming from, as I'm the first of my close friends to have a baby. 2 of them are deliriously excited but the other 2 haven't asked about or really mentioned it since they said congratualtions - which is a shame as all i want to do it talk babies!! But i know one of them in particular would love to be married like me and having babies but she's only just started a new relationship so in some way's, it must feel like i'm rubbing it in her face!! I got married last year when she had no-one and now she has met someone, i'm having a baby so alway a stage ahead of her in her eyes! But i also think she could at least pretend to be excited etc for the sake of our friendship!! But i think i've learnt that she can't from the way she acted over our wedding (a few thoughtless remarks such as 'well i'm glad thats finally over we can talk about something else now for a change. This said during my reception!)

    What i'm trying to say is that we are still close and i value her friendship, but just that she is a jealous person, and the sort that thinks it should all happen to her and not other people, but i can't change her and 'having it out with her' isn't going to change that or her feelings as they would then just be fake, as opposed to polite if you see what i mean?

    Hope she comes round sooner rather than later but i'm sure she will xx

    sorry didn't realise this turned into such a long post - hope i didn't bore you ;\)x

    [Modified by: bunchymum on August 27, 2010 05:14 PM]

  • just realised that might sound like me friends not a nice person - which is not the case she just has difficulty hiding her feelings both good and bad!

    she's actually a very good friend and always has been xxx
  • I don't mean to be rude, but I think that some of these comments are a little harsh.

    My first instinct is that your SIL has possibly had a mc, as this is exactly how I reacted to one of my very close friends when she was pg - I had had 2 mc in 3 months and after the 2nd I just couldn't face her, it killed me to see her with her beautiful bump. Thankfully she was true friend and let me manage things in my own time. I emailed her quite a long email telling her how much I loved her but couldn't face her at that time. TBH if I had had the reaction that some of you have given I would have been traumatised.

    You say that you know she isn't TTC but she may actually be right now but doesn't eant to say anything, as I'm sure you know there's nothing worse than people who keeep asking 'how it's going' etc.

    I think that the fact you've posted this means that you think a lot of your SIl so like someone else has said I'd email her and take it from there.

    xxx

    http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev344prs__.png

  • Hi hun, I have to agree with rainbow in that some of these comments are very harsh and judgemental! This definitely sounds like she's experienced some kind of loss. It sounds much more than just ttc issues!

    When I had my mc my Sil had a baby 4 weeks later and I didn't visit her till the baby was 6 weeks old as this was the soonest I felt emotionally ready! However, as hard as it was, I asked OH to be honest with them. They were very cruel satin we should be going to see her and that we were selfish and in a way I was being selfish but for my own sanity! I'd have been very upset at the time, seeing her with her baby, not because I didn't want her to have him but because I missed my baby too.

    I think it's great that you've recognised there's a problem but I would either broach the subject very carefully or just wait for her to approach you.

    She may seem selfish but it's not like it's a toy she's jealous of, it's having a child, it's a massive deal and a huge emotional rollercoaster so I'd be as sympathetic as you can, although it seems you care a lot. It would have been a lot easier for me to have had a SIL as patient as you!

    Hope things are sorted soon!
  • I am with Rainbow on this one. If you have been fortunate not to have fertility issues or lost a baby I understand how an initial reaction could be that she's being very selfish.

    However, her reaction , which seems out of the ordinary suggests that something is going on with her and maybe you should ask what if you feel close enough to her.

    My SIL fell pregnant at around the time my bean would hav ebeen due and although I was happy for her my own sadness was overwhelming and i couldn't control it. I couldn't even see her for 8 weeks after as I was so sad and I didn't want her happy news to be overshadowed by me.

    They didn't know that was our due date and people don't tend to shout it from the rooftops when they've suffered a loss or are struggling to conceive.

    I am since spoken to my SIL who totally understood my feelings and has been wonderful and I love talking about her baby and can't wait to be an Aunty again.

    You sound like you have a really close relationship to her and so would seem odd that she was just being spiteful. I would just pop over for a cup of tea and she'll probably tell you without the pressur eof a family do.

    x x
  • I agree that there may be underlying issues here. SIL could be ttc without telling anyone and having fertility problems, going for tests etc. Or as others have said she could have had a mc. Lots of people keep ttc quiet until they have conceived, maybe they've been trying for ages with no luck, which would explain her finding it difficult to deal with your pregnancy. We all want people to be happy for us but it can be very hard when you have your own struggles with ttc.

    Maybe ask her if she's been quiet, but I'd tread carefully x
  • Couldn't you email her and say that you value her friendship and having her in your life and you want to share this time with her, as you want her to be an important part of bump's life too. Ask her straight if there is anything she wants to talk to you about, coz you will always be there for her regardless?
  • this is exactly how i've been to my cousin the whole way through her pregnancy and even now have not been to see her baby boy even though he was prem now he's home i just feel like i don't care and i hate feeling like this! i had a mc a few weeks before she announced her pregnancy and she was due a few weeks after what i would have been, her LO is a constant reminder of what i've lost and i just don't even wanna see/speak to her and i really don't wanna see her baby...maybe i am a b!tch but that's fine, i won't pretend to be happy for her :cry: x
  • Hi all, Thanks once again for all your responses. I really value everyones opinions and I feel that they have helped me greatly today. I have spoken to someone who would fill me in on the situation if it was a personal thing and they assure me its not, she just wants a baby so much. I hope she can come to me and talk to me soon and I will email her saying so. I just find it hard because I feel I am closer to her than my own sister and I dont want this to affect our relationship.

    I know she isnt ttc for many reasons at the moment and I know it has nothing to do with ttc or mc etc. I cant say that I have been through a mc or problems with fertility and I would be heartbroken for her if that was the case. I keep my fingers crossed for her that when/if her time does come then its the result she deserves. I try to have understanding of fertility problems but as I have said I havent been through it so I would find it hard to what to say but I am 100% sure its not that at this point in time.

    I hope nobody is offended by any comments I have made in this post, I just hope you all realise that I just needed advice on what to say or do to make this situation easier for her and for the family.

    Once again, Thank you all for your advice x I really do appreciate you taking the time to read through my rambling mess and help me with a response.

    Mrs J x
  • I am also with Rainbow. It took us 2 years to get pg and we had a mc along the way. We eventualy got that long awaited bfp in March but in Jan, my BIL who in the time we had been trying, had been broken up, back together, engaged and married were announcing their happy news and I have never cried so much in my life. No one (and I mean noone other than my sister and closest friend) knew we were trying and so if they had been around I would have looked like I was being such a bitch. I couldn't even bring myself to ask when their due date was and not a single bone in my body was in the least bit pleased for them. Fortunately they are about 4 hours away from us and we haven't seen them since they made their little announcement. I do honestly believe that if I wasn't pg now I would still have trouble accepting it. I find it very hard to bond with my SIL's youngest as she was born 2 weeks before my EDD from my first pregnancy and I look at her and think why me. I know it is really awful but my SIL already had one. I feel like such a horrible person for writing this. I would actually be heartbroken if either my SIL or my BIL knew I felt this way and I actually would try to put a brave face on if they lived nearer. Fortunately I don't have to deal with it. What I am trying to say is you don't know what has gone on behind closed doors, just because you don't think they are ttc yet doesn't mean they aren't xx I am not sure how to deal with it though, I would have fallen apart if either one of them had tried to talk to me about it. Hope it gets easier you may have to just be patient xx
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