Bloody selfish SIL - can you tell me if i'm overreacting??

My SIL announced yesterday that she and her other half are getting married... in Tobego image

They are planning the wedding next April (I am due beginning of Nov so baby will be about 5 months old) Not only does she expect us to pay to go (and its going to be about ??2500) but i'm expected to take a 5 month old baby on a 9 hour flight to the West Indies. I just feel so angry that i'm expected to do this. I don't want to take a young baby on such a long flight and I don't know anything about Tobego - what sort of hospitals they have or whether there is a risk of infection or anything for babies? I said to my husband last night that I really did not want to go and he does understand but he feels torn because its his sister and I do understand that. This is our first baby and I just feel so protective of it - as well as the fact that I would really resent having to dip into our savings to pay for it when we have so much other expense coming up next year :x

Am I overreacting? Would any of you want to take a young baby to Tobego?

Advice would be really appreciated xxx


  • No, you're not overreacting at all! I think its great when people get married abroad but it's a bit rich to expect everyone to pay a fortune to go to bloody Tobego! I mean if it was Greece or somewhere it might be a bit different!

    Would she be annoyed if you didn't go? If she would be then I'd tell her to sod off! She cant "expect" you to pay up to fly to Tobego with a young baby. xxx

  • No, I dont think you are overreacting at all. I would feel exactly the same as you given the long flight, new baby, foreign country you dont know anything about. Plus the expense side of it too - I certainly couldnt afford to pay that much. Not sure of your circumstances but if like me you are on maternity pay then just every day bills and food can be a struggle to pay for.

    My baby was due on 10th April and I have a close family members wedding to go to in about a months time and im not 100% confident about taking a new born (and its our first baby) to that and its only 2 hours away!!

  • No way are you over reacting!! I think she is being a bit selfish to expect you to go! Do what you think is right for you and bubs, if it was me I would'nt go apart from the cost and the long flight there is the heat and everything, I think little one just to small, but you need to make sure you don't get pressured into anything.

    Ange - Im the same as you we will be going to visit family in Wales when baby is about 6 weeks and im not confident about the 4 hour trip from London!! to stressful!

  • Can I be devils advocate ? I don't think you are overreacting and I think it is a lot of money to spend when you have a 5 month old baby. Also does the wedding have to be in April, could it be later giving you more time to save ?
    But.... If it was my sister I would want to go and can understand how your husband feels. Also I wouldn't worry about the flight. We flew to Dubai with friends for a wedding with their 6 month old baby and it was absolutley fine. Infact it was the best time to go as the baby slept for most of the flight and was good as gold when awake. Also I've been to other caribbean islands and I had an allergy attack when in Barbados and the hospital was great and seemed really efficient.
    But in the end only you will know how you feel when you have your baby but if you wait till later to book it might go up in price. My sister is getting married next April too and my baby will be 6months then. We're debating whether to take baby to get in-laws to baby sit. But will decide nearer the time. Suz x
  • Ahh thank you all for your replies and I'm glad that I don't seem to be completely overreacting and Suz thank you for playing devils advocate I do understand that its his sisters wedding (and don't get me wrong i'm very fond of her and would like to be there) but its interesting to get points of view from people who have kids and have done this sort of thing already.

    My gut feeling is still very much that I don't want to go and i'm not sure how I will feel about leaving my baby with my parents for a week ( I can hardly bear to leave my cats for a long weekend lol) but I guess I'll wait and see how much its all going to cost (actual prices come out in May) and whether I feel differently but its quite comforting to hear that most of you wouldn't want to do it either!
  • Totally don't think ur over reacting...however i have been where u r but it was for my own wedding.
    I had ellie in november 05 and we got married in Barbados in the following june/july. We never expected any1 to come and never really invited any1 just said this is where we're getting married if u want to come we would love to have u there so the choice was theirs....

    We took ellie on the 9hr flight and she was 7 months, so a bit older than ur lo, but she was fine on the flight, in fact she slept through most of it and i made sure she was having a feed when we took off/landing to help with her ears.

    As for the hol it was blimmin hot but we just made sure we went in for her nap during the hottest times and bought a sun tent for during the day so she could sleep in it.

    I can understand its expensive, but i just wanted u to know that it isn't a complete nightmare travelling abroad with a Lo.

    *lilac prays not to be lynced for comment*
  • Thanks Lilac (like you would be lynched!) I'm really really keen to hear stories from other people who have done this - perhaps i'm being a bit neurotic about it??
  • u never know abby it can be dangerous waters in the pg forum!
  • I can understand you being upset but in your shoes I think that I would just accept the situation. It is after all their wedding and I don't think it's fair to expect them to plan it around your baby. So although I can understand your feelings I do think that calling your SIL selfish just because she's planning the wedding of her dreams is a bit of an overreaction. If you can't afford to go or don't want to take a young baby - then tell them and accept that you won't be going. If your SIL gets cross with you for this - THEN I think she'd be in the wrong.

    I'm sorry if I sound abrupt & I don't mean to be personal - I just thought it would be useful to see the full range of opinion.
  • HI I completely agree with Pink Toothbrush. I also understand your concerns, but it is their special day and maybe something she has dreamed about for a long time and when you are so excited about an idea sometimes you may forget others around you and the affect it has on them.

    Is there not any way you or you oh can speak to your in laws regarding the money and your concerns and you never know they may want to help with the money and like others have said the baby should be fine. I have taken mne abroad at very young ages and to be honest in my opinion it was the best ages to take them away.

    I think if your sil is a rational person she will understand your concerns anyway.

    Good luck I mean no offence just looking at it from both sides.


  • no no - I don't begrudge them their special day in the slightest, i'm really happy for them and if thats what they want i'm over the moon for them and I would never expect them to arrange it around me - my problem is that I don't mind not going but she is getting really arsey with the family and expects people to go and pay for it - if she had said thats what they are doing and if we can come fantastic and if not they will understand then no problem but she's being a bit bridezilla and getting cross when people say that they may not be able to afford it or go. She also said that I shouldn't worry about bringing a baby and i'm overreacting but with all due respect its MY baby and therefore my decision

    We wouldn't ask anyone else for money - its not something we've ever done and my in-laws have to find the money to pay for them to go as well as pay for the big reception that they want when they get back so I don't think they would have the money to give us either.

    I really am not offended at all by comments - I came on for advice so its good to get some. I just don't want you all to think that I begrudge them their day - I don't at all, I just begrudge that she's going to get cross with us if we don't go.

    Argh. Very confused still
  • Ah - if she's being funny about you saying you might not be able to go then I do think you've every right to be cross. It is your money, your baby and your decision.

    Would being very direct with her work? Something to the effect of, "I would love to be there but I don't want to take baby to such a hot place at such a young age and we really can't justify spending all that money right now. I really hope you have a fantastic time and I'm gutted we won't be able to come but it's just not feasible."

    Good luck - it sounds a tricky situation.
  • Haven't read all the posts, but just wanted to throw in that it may actually be easier taking a little one at this age than when it's older - younger babies tend to sleep more and are generally easier to manage in confined spaces (with plenty of toys, milk etc) Also remember in hot countries they tend to be very well equipped in terms of air conditioning etc so it may not be as bad as you think.

    however, if it still doesn't appeal or money is an issue, I'm sure your SIS would understand your concerns of taking a young baby out there and you could always suggest that you do something special after they come back to celebrate together!

    Good luck hon

  • In my experience, people who have weddings abroad ~always~ have a big party afterwards for their friends and family who couldn't come. I completely agree with Pink Toothbrush - she's not selfish to plan her dream wedding, but she is v much out of line to expect everyone to shell out to come, esp. people who may have financial pressures associated with new babies.

    Give bridezilla (haha - sounds true!) and yourself a while to calm down, wait until the prices come out, and even then, don't book anything non-refundable in case you need to drop out at short notice.

    Good luck chick!
  • so are you calling her selfish coz she is being arsey about your not going?

    If you don't want to go coz of the baby and the expense that is fair enough, but how about suggesting that just your OH goes. Then at least one of you is there to represent that side of the family. Better than nobody at all.

    I do think people fret about traveling with baies which is kinda understandable, but babies sleep in cars coz of the motion and they do the same on planes, but they have to do it sometime, and like has been said, the younger the better.
    My mate took her 5 week old baby to Lanzarote, and her next one to Cuba at 8 weeks. Both were fine. As long as you keep them cool and shaded then they will be just fine. The rules are the same for a toddler as they do for a baby.
  • hi i havent read all the posts, so sorry if someone has already said this..... but i wouldnt go either! and if your gut intstinct is that youd rather not go, then dont. esp since its a strange country. it may be easier than if your baby was a toddler tho. (that is the only upside i can see). i am such a worrier and would never take a baby abroad (or at least til they were 1 1/2 or something) just incase they needed a hospital or something, and i think this is your first ?you are bound to be protective, all paretns are, if i was your SIL i wouldnt take offense and would completely understand... but i have a child (i take it she doesnt?). would it not be possible for your oh to go by himself, or with his paretns or something? wouldnt they be having a party back home when they come back (i think this is quite popular too), you wont be the only one whos been invited and not going, so this would give them opportunity to celebrate with others too.

    i think its rediculous if she is funny about you not wanting to go, baby aside, its an expense you could do without jsut after haiving a baby. good luck whatever you decide. let us know how you get on x;19;29/st/20080523/dt/5/k/1ec5/preg.png

  • Hello,

    I think Pink-toothbrush said my thoughts exactly really, if you're angry at her response to your not going then fair enough, but I don't think you can expect her to plan your wedding around the baby, anymore than the brides who post on the YYW forum expecting people to wait to have babies until after their wedding day (I see from your subsequent posts that you're probably not saying that at all).

  • If someone is going to get married abroad that is their choice and is fine. However, they cannot expect people to go when they have to pay for it themselves. They really need to accept that many people will not go due to the expense and work committments. To get angry with people who do not go whether it be due to dates, cost or whatever reason is very selffish.
    Now throw a newborn baby into the mix and they should expect even more that you wont be wanting or able to go. Whilst there is no real reason to stop a 5 month old baby from travelling I would be concerned about the babies health at that age. Some innoculations such as hepititus B are recommended for the caribbean and I'm not sure that the baby would be able to have them??? The heat and sun are also a worry. Also, you would have to think about where the food is coming from if the baby is going onto solids at that stage. I would think it would be difficult to take your own food all that way and keep it fresh. If you are getting food once there I would be very concerned about it as many adults get dodgy tummys with food abroad so how might that effect a small baby?
    I personally would tell her you are unlikely to be going for all these reasons and if she is mean about it tell her she is being selffish and inconsiderate. Anyone who cant understand your situation is really being unreasonable. If you are happy for OH to go without you then fine suggest that he go without you both. On the other hand if you decide you want to go afterall and you can afford it then there probably isnt any issues here that cant be overcome with proper advice from the doctors.
  • I dont think you over reacting I'm due in aug and all ready very protective about my baby and hes not here yet!! I would not be impressed about being invited to a wedding abroud but having to pay for myself. I think the guests that they really want there they should pay for. I would speak to your local nurse about injections you and your partner would need and also check if you baby can have them. Flying should be fine as long as the pressure doesnt upset him/her. You can pre book the bulk head seats most airline will save these for young families. So that you have more room with the baby. I do totally understand you not being keen to go though. X
  • I agree that she can choose where to have her dream wedding but it is a bit off to expect everyone to fork out so much money to attend. I think she should have to expect even close family members to not be able to attend under those circumstances. It's a bit short-sighted of her to not have realised this...

    If the issue is less about the money for you and more about the baby travelling then I agree with others who have suggested a long-haul flight with a baby is not actually that bad. Not that I've done it myself yet! Different situation but we have been invited on a family holiday to Florida in October which my husband's entire family are going on and we will be the only ones left at home if we choose not to go. And I'm due in June. I have been assured by just about everyone that this is actually a good age for travelling. Although I still have my doubts! A good friend of ours took her 18 month old to Canada and she said it was the worst thing she's ever done because it threw his whole routine - jet lag and toddlers apparently don't mix! But this is not really an issue for a baby.

    I get your fears about an island you are unfamiliar with and not knowing about healthcare, etc. And someone made a good point about immunisations. Justifiable concerns then...?

    The fact is you have good reason to choose not to go. Maybe you need to be clear with your husband regarding your concerns so you can present a united front. I really hope we go to Florida but I want to wait until our son arrives to see how I feel about the reality. I'm not getting pressurised which is great but I know others think I'm being overly anxious about it. Maybe I am, but so what? This is my first child and I don't know what the hell motherhood is going to be like and how I'm going to cope so being a bit cautious seems reasonable to me! And it's a lot of money when you are on maternity leave!
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