Still not entirely sure what to do, I think I will just ride it out and see what he is like when I get home. I think I will write him a letter, I might not give it to him, I might just do it for myself in order to get out how I feel.
I would love to be able to do that, I will have to put myself in a good frame of mind for it though, I don't want him to leave but I don't want him to think I don't want him to leave, If that makes sense?
Men are mainly scared little boys who when they are not getting the attention they feel they deserve (mainly cos the woman's mind is on other things- such as a baby) they throw a tantrum and expect to be in the centre of your world again. Dont get me wrong i'm not a man hater or anything- my husband just knows i wouldn't take any messing around from him, and if he chose to leave me it would be cos he had thought long and hard and knew it was the right thing, not just cos he was feeling a little left out!! Anyway, what you need to get your head around is that if he is going to leave you he will do it anyway- that's his choice, your choice is whether you beg him to stay and lose your self respect or whether you hold your head up, smile, make sure he knows that you dont want him to go but understand if he needs to. If its meant to be he'll come back
I have put my hubby through some shit because I had previous relationships that made me lose all confidence and self-worth so I started to be a bitch and push him away by whatever means necessary (except cheating - would never do that). I have been lucky that he has felt that our relationship is worth saving and I am having counselling to try and overcome my problem and now I can clearly see what I am doing. I have everything I ever wanted - a lovely husband, happy children and expecting a child by the man I love but for some reason I sometimes go through a faze when I dont feel worthy of it and feel I might as well wreck it now rather than down the line! The counselling is making me see that I am entitled to be happy! Reading what your hubby has been through previously maybe he is doing the same thing? I might be talking crap - I cant actually believe I have poured my heart out on here like this but maybe it could help you. Take care, Love Lee xxxxx
I do agree with you, that is why I suggested councilling but he told me where to go. I have decided I'm not going to sit and argue with him and that he decides to go he can just go, hopefully if he does he will see what he is missing and come crawlling back. I would never cheat but he doesn't seem to understand that. There is no more I can do, I want him to see what he is doing but he refuses to and then makes it out like it is my fault that he is being like that, why should I have to put up with it. I hope and pray that he realises how stupid he is being, but if he doesn't I will have to just deal with it I can't keep begging for him to stay it's not fair on me or our baby
There is the old saying "if you love somebody let them go then if they come back they are truly yours, if they dont they never were". I know I was lucky! I hope everything works out well for you, whichever way you want it to go but if he is not willing to change then maybe you and baby would be happier in the long run on your own. You know I am on here quite a bit if you need me! Thinking of you babe, take care, Love Lee xxxxx
You've got it in one there- it's not good for you or your baby. I have had a bit of a rough pregnancy between my baby's dad trying it on with my best friend, her flirting back & god knows what else that I don't even want to think about, still living with my mum who is zero support & just ends up arguing with me 24/7 but I realised just after christmas that i'm going to be a mother in a few months & I need to put my child & myself first before the others.
I understand he is your husband & you care & love him a lot but think of that tiny we baby who has no one else but you at the minute- it puts it into perspective. I really hope things work out for you but please today just look after you missus. xxxx
Your replies have made me cry again lol just think I am a bit run down.
I do understand what you all mean he has just text me to say I behave differently when I'm at work, he has tried that one before though so I text back saying I do not behave any differently and he knows that, and that he needs to control his paranoia and stop being cruel.
Hun I wrote you a REEEEAAALLLYY long message this morning but as I went to submit it disapeared
you sound so stressed out.. and the not knowing where you stand is very painful! I've been reading your messages before he takes a break surely he owes you a explaination?
what about going to relate? or writting letters so you both get a say?
I can only assume that you are feeling vunrable at the mo (I would be) It might be worth you trying to get some support else where (a friend or family member) not that him doing this still wont hurt but it wont have such a negitive impact upon you emotionally...
take care of your self honey and let us know how your getting one wont you?? xxxx
I am trying to be a strong willed woman at the moment, I'm pretty crap at it but hopefully it will fool him in to thinking I can't be walked all over.
When he says horrible things he doesn't even realise they are horrible (his dad used to do this to him and still tells him he was the runt of the family and that he prefers his older brother to him) and when I bring up what he said to me later on he won't even realise that it is something you don't say to anyone let alone the person you are supposed to love more than anything in the world.
I'm at a loss, I will wait for him to come home tonight and see what he is like but if he throws a massive paddy I will either ask him to leave or I will leave myself.
Hi Caza Thanks for your kind words. I really hope your's doesnt end up like mine, I wouldnt wish my situation on anyone. I am sure your's is feeling scared and worrying about nothing. But you know men when they have a cold they are dying! Mine sent me loads of texts asking where I was and what was I doing if I didnt respond straight away and saying I was with other people and that he wants a DNA, once I told him he could have it and he would be paying for it (approx??300-500) Ive never heard it mentioned again. Keep me posted on how it goes, but I am sure everything will work out ok for you. Ive just sent mine a text saying we r fine.
honey I think this is something I learned & of course I had to the hard way...
you can not change somebody even if you really want to...
you can only change your self... the first step is setting ground rules about what YOUR willing to acept and STICKING to them...
it's about valuing yourself and putting a value on yourself - would you let somebody hurt a person you loved in the same way?? no... so it's not okay that it's done to you either. REMEMBER that!
So if he speaks to you in a way that is not okay then the second he says sorry its not just forgotten (even thought you and I know you really want him to sweet talk you and for everything to be okay - he doesn't need to know or have the power to think he can pick you up and drop you as he pleases) - he has to relise that to mean Sorry means he cant do it again because it is wrong not just to get round you at that moment in time.
Let me tell you I am not going to talk about my childhood but I didnt have it particularly easy actually I really suffered at some points however what has happened to you does not make you who you are, it's the choices you make that decides that!
He knew when it was done to him it was hurtful therefore what ever way he dresses it up or down to you there must be some eliment within him that he knows repeating the same behaviour is going to be hurtful to somebody else.
he makes the choice to repeat the pattern or to learn from it!?
Like I said in your other post, are you sure your ex isn't my husband lol they sound like the same person. I said he could have a dna test if he wanted and that he could pay for it and also that I would leave him after the test comes back saying the baby is his because he doesn't deserve me. If i'm honest though I just know how lost I would be without him (mainly financially and emotionally) I have a hugely loan to pay as well as all the bills and I am only on a temporary contract after being made redundant from my previous job, If I work 50 hours a week I would only earn enough to cover the bills It's like a vicious circle. But I am going to sit him down tonight and speak to him and hopwfully we can come to some conclusion.
hey hun, Im really sorry to hear of your situation. I've just read all the posts and try and reply to each bit.
Firstly like somebody else I had two thoughts he had either 1) cheated or done something he feels guilty about and wants to think through it or 2) is unsure about being a father. Time apart I would say means take a break. However, before he does this or even attempts to do this, you need to discuss what the root of the problem is. you wouldnt tell somebody you want time apart for no reason. If it is easier for you to get your thoughts down on paper and think things through then do it. Before hubby and I got married in the summer, if there was anything that was bothering him he would write me a letter even if it was as simple as 'I really need your help i cant manage my studies on my own'. You may find it usueful to write a letter today as you say you dont like arguments and I can see what you mean by your past. I would suggest not giving it to him but purely to help think things through. You dont want to get yourself all stressed and worked up as its not good for you or your baby. In my opinion I would wait until he gets home, it doesnt matter how he reacts i would still say to to him, look i need to have a chat to you. please can you explain why you sent the text this morning etc etc and go from there. Listen to him before you have your say. Try and be calm and take a deep breath before you speak. I guess you bottle things up to and then you burst into tears because you dont like disagreeing in a big way. Ensure that by this he knows he cant walk all over you.
In terms of whos the father. I would say why dont you think your the father why are you doubting the suituation? There must be something thats going through his mind? why does he think its not yours, why would he suspect its someone else. Emphasise that you;ve been ttc fro 7 months etc
In terms of your family. In a different situation but with a same outlook from family. When we said we were getting married, my mothers reaction was you cant afford it. We got married this summer and have proved her wrong we dont live in luxury but thats fine. when they found out we were pregnant their reactions are but what about your job.
I will finish this post when i get home later. Must go back to work as just seen the time -oops!
Thank you for all your replies they have really helped.
I do see what everyone means and I will try and get it sorted. I text him earlier saying that if he wanted to talk to me he could ring me at 1 or wait until he got home, it will be interesting to see if he calls me as usually I am the one to call him but he recently got a contract phone so has no excuse.
Caz, As hard as it is, dont run after him, let him come to you. I made that mistake and he thought he could do walk all over me and treat me like c**p. You have to put your baby first, hence why I had to walk away. When I took my current flat on I had ??11.00 to my name. It would seam your H and my x have been clonned! But I am sure things will work out for you
he is on his lunch now and has started texting me, I told him to call me as it is cheaper than texting but he won't, he just keeps texting. Do you think he is doing this to see if I will give in and call him (which I usually would) or do you think he is just scared to call me?
Replies
Still not entirely sure what to do, I think I will just ride it out and see what he is like when I get home. I think I will write him a letter, I might not give it to him, I might just do it for myself in order to get out how I feel.
C
xx
I would love to be able to do that, I will have to put myself in a good frame of mind for it though, I don't want him to leave but I don't want him to think I don't want him to leave, If that makes sense?
C
xx
Anyway, what you need to get your head around is that if he is going to leave you he will do it anyway- that's his choice, your choice is whether you beg him to stay and lose your self respect or whether you hold your head up, smile, make sure he knows that you dont want him to go but understand if he needs to.
If its meant to be he'll come back
xx
I have put my hubby through some shit because I had previous relationships that made me lose all confidence and self-worth so I started to be a bitch and push him away by whatever means necessary (except cheating - would never do that). I have been lucky that he has felt that our relationship is worth saving and I am having counselling to try and overcome my problem and now I can clearly see what I am doing. I have everything I ever wanted - a lovely husband, happy children and expecting a child by the man I love but for some reason I sometimes go through a faze when I dont feel worthy of it and feel I might as well wreck it now rather than down the line! The counselling is making me see that I am entitled to be happy!
Reading what your hubby has been through previously maybe he is doing the same thing?
I might be talking crap - I cant actually believe I have poured my heart out on here like this but maybe it could help you.
Take care, Love Lee xxxxx
I do agree with you, that is why I suggested councilling but he told me where to go. I have decided I'm not going to sit and argue with him and that he decides to go he can just go, hopefully if he does he will see what he is missing and come crawlling back. I would never cheat but he doesn't seem to understand that. There is no more I can do, I want him to see what he is doing but he refuses to and then makes it out like it is my fault that he is being like that, why should I have to put up with it. I hope and pray that he realises how stupid he is being, but if he doesn't I will have to just deal with it I can't keep begging for him to stay it's not fair on me or our baby
C
xx
I know I was lucky! I hope everything works out well for you, whichever way you want it to go but if he is not willing to change then maybe you and baby would be happier in the long run on your own. You know I am on here quite a bit if you need me!
Thinking of you babe, take care, Love Lee xxxxx
You've got it in one there- it's not good for you or your baby.
I have had a bit of a rough pregnancy between my baby's dad trying it on with my best friend, her flirting back & god knows what else that I don't even want to think about, still living with my mum who is zero support & just ends up arguing with me 24/7 but I realised just after christmas that i'm going to be a mother in a few months & I need to put my child & myself first before the others.
I understand he is your husband & you care & love him a lot but think of that tiny we baby who has no one else but you at the minute- it puts it into perspective.
I really hope things work out for you but please today just look after you missus.
xxxx
I do understand what you all mean he has just text me to say I behave differently when I'm at work, he has tried that one before though so I text back saying I do not behave any differently and he knows that, and that he needs to control his paranoia and stop being cruel.
C
you sound so stressed out.. and the not knowing where you stand is very painful! I've been reading your messages before he takes a break surely he owes you a explaination?
what about going to relate? or writting letters so you both get a say?
I can only assume that you are feeling vunrable at the mo (I would be) It might be worth you trying to get some support else where (a friend or family member) not that him doing this still wont hurt but it wont have such a negitive impact upon you emotionally...
take care of your self honey and let us know how your getting one wont you?? xxxx
Thank you for your reply.
I am trying to be a strong willed woman at the moment, I'm pretty crap at it but hopefully it will fool him in to thinking I can't be walked all over.
When he says horrible things he doesn't even realise they are horrible (his dad used to do this to him and still tells him he was the runt of the family and that he prefers his older brother to him) and when I bring up what he said to me later on he won't even realise that it is something you don't say to anyone let alone the person you are supposed to love more than anything in the world.
I'm at a loss, I will wait for him to come home tonight and see what he is like but if he throws a massive paddy I will either ask him to leave or I will leave myself.
C
xx
Thanks for your kind words. I really hope your's doesnt end up like mine, I wouldnt wish my situation on anyone. I am sure your's is feeling scared and worrying about nothing. But you know men when they have a cold they are dying! Mine sent me loads of texts asking where I was and what was I doing if I didnt respond straight away and saying I was with other people and that he wants a DNA, once I told him he could have it and he would be paying for it (approx??300-500) Ive never heard it mentioned again.
Keep me posted on how it goes, but I am sure everything will work out ok for you.
Ive just sent mine a text saying we r fine.
you can not change somebody even if you really want to...
you can only change your self... the first step is setting ground rules about what YOUR willing to acept and STICKING to them...
it's about valuing yourself and putting a value on yourself - would you let somebody hurt a person you loved in the same way?? no... so it's not okay that it's done to you either. REMEMBER that!
So if he speaks to you in a way that is not okay then the second he says sorry its not just forgotten (even thought you and I know you really want him to sweet talk you and for everything to be okay - he doesn't need to know or have the power to think he can pick you up and drop you as he pleases) - he has to relise that to mean Sorry means he cant do it again because it is wrong not just to get round you at that moment in time.
Let me tell you I am not going to talk about my childhood but I didnt have it particularly easy actually I really suffered at some points however what has happened to you does not make you who you are, it's the choices you make that decides that!
He knew when it was done to him it was hurtful therefore what ever way he dresses it up or down to you there must be some eliment within him that he knows repeating the same behaviour is going to be hurtful to somebody else.
he makes the choice to repeat the pattern or to learn from it!?
what do you think to that hun? x
Like I said in your other post, are you sure your ex isn't my husband lol they sound like the same person.
I said he could have a dna test if he wanted and that he could pay for it and also that I would leave him after the test comes back saying the baby is his because he doesn't deserve me. If i'm honest though I just know how lost I would be without him (mainly financially and emotionally) I have a hugely loan to pay as well as all the bills and I am only on a temporary contract after being made redundant from my previous job, If I work 50 hours a week I would only earn enough to cover the bills
I really hope things are sorted with your ex
C
xx
Im really sorry to hear of your situation. I've just read all the posts and try and reply to each bit.
Firstly like somebody else I had two thoughts he had either 1) cheated or done something he feels guilty about and wants to think through it or 2) is unsure about being a father. Time apart I would say means take a break. However, before he does this or even attempts to do this, you need to discuss what the root of the problem is. you wouldnt tell somebody you want time apart for no reason. If it is easier for you to get your thoughts down on paper and think things through then do it. Before hubby and I got married in the summer, if there was anything that was bothering him he would write me a letter even if it was as simple as 'I really need your help i cant manage my studies on my own'. You may find it usueful to write a letter today as you say you dont like arguments and I can see what you mean by your past. I would suggest not giving it to him but purely to help think things through. You dont want to get yourself all stressed and worked up as its not good for you or your baby.
In my opinion I would wait until he gets home, it doesnt matter how he reacts i would still say to to him, look i need to have a chat to you. please can you explain why you sent the text this morning etc etc and go from there. Listen to him before you have your say. Try and be calm and take a deep breath before you speak. I guess you bottle things up to and then you burst into tears because you dont like disagreeing in a big way. Ensure that by this he knows he cant walk all over you.
In terms of whos the father. I would say why dont you think your the father why are you doubting the suituation? There must be something thats going through his mind? why does he think its not yours, why would he suspect its someone else. Emphasise that you;ve been ttc fro 7 months etc
In terms of your family. In a different situation but with a same outlook from family. When we said we were getting married, my mothers reaction was you cant afford it. We got married this summer and have proved her wrong we dont live in luxury but thats fine. when they found out we were pregnant their reactions are but what about your job.
I will finish this post when i get home later. Must go back to work as just seen the time -oops!
All the best chat later. xxx
Thank you for all your replies they have really helped.
I do see what everyone means and I will try and get it sorted.
I text him earlier saying that if he wanted to talk to me he could ring me at 1 or wait until he got home, it will be interesting to see if he calls me as usually I am the one to call him but he recently got a contract phone so has no excuse.
C
xx
As hard as it is, dont run after him, let him come to you. I made that mistake and he thought he could do walk all over me and treat me like c**p. You have to put your baby first, hence why I had to walk away. When I took my current flat on I had ??11.00 to my name.
It would seam your H and my x have been clonned! But I am sure things will work out for you
C
xx
xx