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for a laugh
I received these two in emails and thought they were very funny, on the off chance I am not the absolute last one to receive them on the email chain I thought I'd share as laughing is meant to be good for your health.
Friendship oath
When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get..
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use little words and speak slowly.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ?,
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Cater,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,
the Manager of our store in Wigan is considering banning you and your family
from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in House Wares..... and
watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House
Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were
situated.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
theme tune from 'Mission Impossible'
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look' using
different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK
ME, PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the
fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There
is no toilet paper in here.'
Friendship oath
When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get..
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use little words and speak slowly.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ?,
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Cater,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,
the Manager of our store in Wigan is considering banning you and your family
from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in House Wares..... and
watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House
Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were
situated.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
theme tune from 'Mission Impossible'
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look' using
different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK
ME, PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the
fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There
is no toilet paper in here.'
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