OT but really feel depressed - advice needed

Hi Ladies

As some of you know i have had a bit of a rough time of it since finding out im pregnant.

I will try keep it simple and straight to the point, its a little tricky and this is very hard for me to say but i need some help from outside parties here, its quite a long story so i apologise in advance

I met my ex partner in March 2005 and fell for him hard. Everything seemed perfect, and as my first boyfriend i had no idea how it felt to hurt.

I found out on my 18th birthday (a little after i had lost my virginity to him) that he had been sleeping with his ex partner for 3 months (which i should have guessed as she had been very abusive towards me since day 1)

Well this caused trust issues but we got over them and in 2006 we moved in together

Everything was perfect and we couldnt have been more in love.

In Feb 2007 he came home and told me he didnt love me. Just like that. he said it had been playing on his mind. At this point in my life i was struggling with medical probs, work worries, familiy problems, and this just topped everything off.

I found out 3 weeks later that i was expecting and in march i miscarried. I told him and he told me he was sorry but it wasnt his problem. I was devastated. My best friend supported me through the ordeal and to show my gratitude i took out a loan and paid for her and i to go on a cruise of the med.

When back i carried on seeing my ex partner as i was so confused, i just wanted answers, and on every occassion we ended up in bed.

It gave me some hope, something to hold onto.

But again my world crumbled when in june he slept with another girl and gave me an infection. My family found out about this and humiliated and destroyed i sank more into my depression.

This was added to a week later when it was uncovered that back in april, 2 weeks after we broke up and when i was carrying his child, he had slept with my best friend who had seemingly supported me the whole time. At this point i was suicidal.

I decided to ignore him and did so for a month. It wasnt easy but it made me stronger.

After he came back from his "lads holiday" he was lovely, really caring and affectionate and i saw the guy i had fallen in love with.

I got my own house and he used to come over and stay durig the week, we'd go out for drives and sit in with pizza and dvds and things would be perfect for a day or so and then he'd ignore me for days on end.

Well i decided i had had enough. I told him (after he humiliated me by getting with some skank in a nightclub right in front of my face) that i wasnt gonna take anymore of his **** and that was it.

A month later i found out i was expecting and booked myself in for an abortion. I had nowhere to go and noone to turn to and felt really alone with the whole thing.

I told him and he vowed to support me and again became his old loving caring self. He told me "once we sort the termination out i want us to spend more time together - we can be f**k buddies again"

The day of the termination i decided i couldnt go thru with it and decided to keep my baby.

He wasnt happy and screamed at me calling me everyname under the sun and that really hurt.

He came to terms with it and we were getting on ok but there was alot of tension between us.

We continued speaking and on several occassions ended up "together" but after evey time i left feeling hurt and humiliated. The last time this had happened was 3 months ago.

Well 5 weeks ago i stupidly spent the night with him again - he was loving and caring and is the only person to have ever made me feel im worth something and for that one night everything seemed perfect.

It wasnt.

The next morning her flew off to Italy to shack up with some girl h had met just a month before. I told him how i felt and that he had hurt me again and he didnt care.

He doesnt support me and texts maybe once a week just to "see how im doing" which infuriates me. Why does he make out he cares when he clearly doesnt??

Well now all i feel for him is resentment, and its really causing me alot of stress.

As much as we have been thru i want my little girl to know her daddy but hes hurt me so bad and so often i find myself being really really nasty to him.

I dont know if its my hormones but i just get so upset with the whole thing and cry constantly.

I want him to either treat me with respect and be involved or just disappear altogether.

Last night we met up and argued and i told him how bad he had made me feel. He asked me if i wanted something to happen between us and i told him no - i cant let him keep hurting me and i know i need to be strong for my little girl.

After that he was again affectionate and cuddly and trying to cuddle me and kissing my tummy speaking to our little girl. I just feel hes constantly trying to mess with my emotions

I just dont know what to do - i cant take these games anymore.

I find myself being nasty to him and resenting him for not supporting me. If i text him he ignores me for hours and i find myself sending him another message telling him not to bother, I feel i make all the effort and he only ever recipocates it when he feels like it.

Im having problems with suspected PSD and i just feel so low.

I dont know what to do - cutting him off would make it easier for me but not for my baby girl, shes due in August and i want her to know her daddy i just wish he would change

xxxxxxxx

Posts

  • melissa87,

    sounds like your having a really hard time and i'm sorry to hear that, i don' really have any advice to give, just my opinion, but didn't want to read&run,

    Personally i would try and forget about him and ignore him, i know that its easy for me to say as not in you position but the worry and stress he's causing you is not good for you or you little pink bump and it sounds to me like you would both do better without him, theres no reason why after birth you could not come to some arrangement with him about visiting and such but at the moment you need to avoid anything thats stressing you so much especially with possibility of psd as its bad anothe on its own

    Hope you feel better soon, take care
    Emzie, xxx

    http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev215pfs__.png

  • Oh hon. Sounds like you're having a really crappy time but I'm going to tell you bluntly (not to be nasty but to be straight to the point) what I think you already know.

    This man is playing you darling. He is nice to you when he wants sex and then goes off to sleep with the next available girl. From what you've written he is clearly not interested in you other than as a f**k buddy which can't work because you are emotionally involved and would be even more unfair on your little girl when she arrives.

    I've been treated very similarly to this when I was 18 and pregnant. I learned through bitter experience that men like this do not change and in fact don't need to change because they will always find some girl who is willing to pander to their selfish ways. In my case, I finished with him when my dd was 1 and he stopped visiting her when he realised he wasn't going to get his oats when he came round. Charming huh? 17 years on and we haven't seen hind nor hair of him.

    So my advice, if that's what you are looking for is to make your own mind up first of all that it's over between you (not just telling him as an idle threat) and then make it clear to him what will be acceptable and what won't in terms of whether he wants to know/come along to any scans etc or be there at the birth and eventually access if of course he's interested and can be bothered.

    Don't let yourself be played any more - the only reason he does it is because you let him, so be strong and concentrate on your beautiful child.

    Sorry hon, as I say, don't mean to be harsh but I really have got the tshirt for this one!

    Karenxx
  • Oh hon. Sounds like you're having a really crappy time but I'm going to tell you bluntly (not to be nasty but to be straight to the point) what I think you already know.

    This man is playing you darling. He is nice to you when he wants sex and then goes off to sleep with the next available girl. From what you've written he is clearly not interested in you other than as a f**k buddy which can't work because you are emotionally involved and would be even more unfair on your little girl when she arrives.

    I've been treated very similarly to this when I was 18 and pregnant. I learned through bitter experience that men like this do not change and in fact don't need to change because they will always find some girl who is willing to pander to their selfish ways. In my case, I finished with him when my dd was 1 and he stopped visiting her when he realised he wasn't going to get his oats when he came round. Charming huh? 17 years on and we haven't seen hind nor hair of him.

    So my advice, if that's what you are looking for is to make your own mind up first of all that it's over between you (not just telling him as an idle threat) and then make it clear to him what will be acceptable and what won't in terms of whether he wants to know/come along to any scans etc or be there at the birth and eventually access if of course he's interested and can be bothered.

    Don't let yourself be played any more - the only reason he does it is because you let him, so be strong and concentrate on your beautiful child.

    Sorry hon, as I say, don't mean to be harsh but I really have got the tshirt for this one!

    Karenxx
  • Hard to know what to say. I can see where ur coming from and in an ideal world, he'll meet his daughter and be the loving doting father you want him to be but somehow I think u still want more and I just can't see that happening hun, sorry. Seems to me he wants his cake and more and thats not on when u've got a family to support - he's now thinking he's got a readymade family on tap when he feels like it and when he doesn't, he'll just bugger off again, with no regard for you or ur little girl. He just sounds like a right sh*t to me and u r much better of without him - its gonna b hard but u are going to have to be strong and ignore ur feelings for him for now....remember all the crap he's put u thru, remind urself of the hurt and pain he's caused.....and look ahead...-this will carry on, even when ur daughter is here - do u want her to see u treated in this way hun?? U deserve to b treated better.......
  • Oh Melissa you're really going through it aren't you.
    I think you probably know what you need to do. I know it's not easy.
    Although not exactly the same but I had a very similar unhealthy relationship for a number of years. I was so blindly in love that I let him emotionally abuse me by going back and forth between me and another girl (who is now his wife ) for years. I was a mess throughout this time and although I knew it was doing me no good I found it hard to give him up. But I did eventually and it was the best thing I ever did. It as by no means easy but you know in your heart that you can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy for you or your daughter.
    if he is mature enough eventually to want a relationship with his daughter then that's up for you to decide when the time is right. For now you need to look after yourself and clearly contact and seeing him is not doing you any good.
    Hope you stay strong, take care. Suz x
  • I know i need to be strong for her i just find it so hard.

    I guess im just a mug for believing him when he makes out he cares. He wa smy first boyfriend and the only man ive ever been with i guess ive just got used to it.

    I really do try to stick to my guns and tell him to get lost but he just knows how to worm his way back in.

    Hes now saying im being immatture for snapping at him if he doesnt text back or if he tries to show his weekly (or sometimes fortnightly) flicker of support.

    But one day he can be so friendly and want to make the effort and get on and do things together and talk about the baby and the next he just blatantly ignores me.

    Its like everything has to be on HIS terms and how and when HE wants it but im the one hurting. He seems to feel nothing
  • Awww hun, thats exactly why you need to stop all contact now - for the foreseeable future for now anyway! He needs to learn he can't just snap his fingers and u'll be there. The main thing for you right now is ur health and well being and that of ur little girl - nothing else should matter, certainly not his childish behaviour. If he wants to get to know his daughter when she's here, then thats good but on ur terms not his - u have to make him see he can't push you around anymore!

    Everytime u think of him, remember all the bad stuff - it well help u build up that armour u need against him. Write positive stuff on post-it-notes and put em where u can see em regular, like - I can do this! I am going to be a great mum! I want my daughter to be proud of me! Stuff to help you feel more positive about urself!!
  • Hi hun

    These ladies have given you great advise already and I don't want to repeat all I will say is your daughter will be born into this world with a blank mind. Children aren't born into the world knowing they have a mummy AND a daddy. Your daughter WILL be better off by not seeing her dad (can't believe I just said that!) for all the reasons above/said before me. She will experience the feeling of not feeling loved if she sees a glimer of her father. If she doesn't see him she will only feel the powerful love of her mummy and only that.

    I'm so sorry to be blunt and to the point but I really feel for you after going through a tough time myself a 19yrs with pg and baby.

    Please remember whenever you feel down, you are not alone all of us are here to support you. I know it's not quite the same as I hug from a dear friend or your mum but it will make a difference.

    Do me one favour. Read back what you have written to yourself. The answer is right there. Be strong not just for you but for your daughter (that's what got me through, I took myself out of the sum and said it doesn't matter how much I miss him I'm doing the best thing for my daughter).

    Best of Luck to you and post again soon. ;\)


    XXXXX
  • I was in an abusive marriage for years - I know how difficult it can be to break out of a relationship like that - you know in your head what you need to do but your heart tells you something different.
    As others have said, it's not just him messing you around you have to think about, it's him messing your daughter around - do you really want that for her?
    On the other hand, just because he's a sh*t boyfriend doesn't mean he'll be a sh*t father - my ex-husband is a great dad, & our daughter (now 14) loves him to bits.
    However "nice" he is to you, don't let him use you for sex, because it's doing your self-esteem no good at all.
    I really hope things work out for you & your little girl. If circumstances mean that it's just going to be you & her in the future, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
    xxx
  • I tell him time and time and time again that he need to learn to treat me with respect and talk to me like im a human being.

    We were together for years and he managed it all that time. Since we broke up he just doesnt care and that really hurts.

    Ive been through so much so far without him and i know i can do it along, im a strong girl and ive got a good career ahead of me, i know i dont need him but id like him to just stop thinking about himself for once and see how much hes hurt me.

    He tells me i moan too much but its because he never listens.

    I know i sometimes get upset and say nasty things if i try to tell him how im feeling and he just ignores me but surely thats normal??

    Surely if he gave a cr*p he wouldnt ignore me and would make the effort to at least try support me when im down about things???

    He texts and expects me to go running to him when he suggests it but if ever i try talk to him he makes me feel like the biggest piece of sh*t thats ever walked the planet

    I hate him for what hes done, but i still care for him deep down, hes my babys daddy and i dont wanna hurt him but in the same respect somethimes i just feel like giving up trying

  • But one day he can be so friendly and want to make the effort and get on and do things together and talk about the baby and the next he just blatantly ignores me.

    Hi Melissa, ditto what everyone else has said and I really feel for you in this situation, I believe what's he's doing is mentally abusing you (sorry if that sounds harsh) people like him get a kick out of being in control and you don't know whether you're coming or going. I don't think he will ever change where you are concerned, he's had far too many chances in the past, that said there is no real reason why he can't be involved in his daughter's life but that remains to be seen, like others have said if you have the strength to cut him emotionally from your life and leave the ball in his court to see how much effort he puts in with baby then that's up to him. But if he shows the same commitment to her as he has to you both of you would be better off without him.

    Good luck hun
    Em x
  • I hope he can be a good father.

    Hes threatened me with lawyers up until now and the other day i snapped and told him he could have access through the courts if thats what he wants to which he replied "well ive been thinking about it and i cant afford a lawyer, so if you choose to go that route i just wont be able to see her"

    Its like hes using it to try twist the knife and cause me even more stress.

    Since finding out i was pregnant i moved back home to live with my parents for a year (this gives me the chance to save a deposit for a mortgage)

    My mum and dad have been SOOOO supportive and my ounger brothers and sisters are looking forward to meeting their neice.

    I know i am blessed to have a supportive family but my parents HATE my ex and would rather i cut him out completely.

    They understand that i want him to show support and be involved in his daughters life but dont wanna see me get hurt again.

    If (and its a big if cos i have made no decisions yet) i was to cut him out completely would ha have any rights to take me to court and demand access??

  • I hope you are listening to what everyone else has said already. I think when you posted this you knew what the response would be and the unfortunate truth is that this man will never be what you want him to be.

    He may be very persuasive and show you glimmers of hope to get back into your life but he is abusing you (as has been said already). He is taking advantage of you to get what he wants. He is not thinking of you at all. Harsh, but true. But you are letting him do this. As long as he knows you will cave in, he will keep doing this. It won't be easy but you have to find a way to keep him out of your life. He will keep trying to get back in but you have to find the strength to stop him. And he will eventually stop. He only keeps trying because he thinks you will give in, when he realises you won't, he'll stop.

    You are hanging onto the good times - you even said that you had years together when he treated you well. But I don't see that in your first post. There may have been some more prolonged periods when things were okay but they were surrounded by unacceptable, disrespectful, abusive behaviour. He can only show you respect briefly - which isn't enough, and isn't real respect. If someone really respects and loves you they wouldn't do all the things he's done.

    I hope so much that you will cut him out of you life for your sake and that of your unborn child. But I have a horrible feeling you're just going to keep on going back... Please prove me wrong...

    Sonia x
  • As we were never married and are no longer together would he have any legal rights to my little girl??

    If his name was on her birth certificate would this change things??

    Ive told him straight if anything happens to me i want her to be raised by my parents who can offer her love and stability. He wasnt happy.

    If i cut him out completely can he do anything to get access???
  • I think he will have parental rights automatically but doesn't he have to be named on the birth certificate to get that? I'm not sure actually. That would just give him rights to see her, not to take her from you.

    But I'm not sure he'll really be fighting for this. Does he really want to be a full time parent? He may be suggesting that now but he won't commit to a relationship so it's unlikely he'll commit to fatherhood. He may use this as a way to get you back by scaring and manipulating you, but if you stand your ground he won't try to get custody of your daughter.
  • Oh well il have to investigate his rights, hopefully he wmnt have any.

    Just realied that the baby show is at glasgow secc tomorrow - its only an hours drive from where i am. Does anyone know if this is any good????

    Im quite tempted to go image
  • I think others have given you fantastic advice. There are two issues:

    the way he is treating you and the way he might treat your daughter. I think in the first instance it seems that he 'worms' his way into your affections when you are strong and 'snub' him or tell him that you cannot put up with his behaviour anymore. That's when he seems to make more effort with you and I really think he has a very big control problem. For your own sanity you need to stop sleeping with this man. However, you are pregnant and vulnerable. So I can certainly see where you're coming from especially when he is giving you what you want which is a 'family' unit at the most precious time in your life. However this man will never give you what you want. He hasn't so far and can't and therefore I think you need to concentrate on yourself and the baby.

    In respect of your daughter I really think the 'novelty' will wear off and he will probably be an unreliable useless bugger. I don't think I could stop my daughter seeing her father and this is clearly what you don't want either but if arrangements are made he must stick to them. I think he will give up eventually and you will be able to rebuild your own life. Hopefully though when the baby is born he will see sense and become a reliable father.

    Look after yourself though and take things easy. xxxx
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