Need some advice :( (could be offensive)

Sorry if I offend anyone with this, but I don't where else to ask. I know it's horrible reading about miscarriage whilst pregnant :cry:

My SIL miscarried in Janurary at five months, she had a live baby boy who sadly passed away some minutes later. The tissue samples have come back inconclusive but it's possible she may have had an infection although wasn't ill. The effect on the whole family has been absolutely devastating, though slowly everyone is getting back on their feet and returning to normal. Before I knew I was pregnant we used to have quite long conversations about her pregnancy and the labour (she went through full labour of 10 hours), what he was like, showing me the pictures they took and his hand/foot prints, the funeral and why what happened happened.

They were the first to know I'm pregnant because we live in a small community and you can't fart without someone knowing about it :lol: So obviously we didn't want them to hear second hand. The news wasn't taken particularly well as we had expected but they seemed ok about it but understandably mixed emotions.

Now 5 weeks on things have gone downhill and it's really upset me :cry: She won't take my calls, she won't reply to my texts/emails, even non-baby related chat. My OH spoke to his brother today who seemed fine and then she came on and said she was avoiding me but it's not personal. I know it's because of what they've been through and that she should be heavily pregnant now due next month - but I can't help feeling really upset by what she's said..... I'm feeling quite emotional and sensitive anyway at the moment. I haven't been ramming it down her throat, even when she has asked me how I am I've been quite sparse with the information and careful not to moan about sore boobs, sickness etc

I'm rather ashamed to also say I feel quite resentful towards her for pushing me away, it's not my fault what happened to her, we haven't got pregnant on purpose to upset them but feeling like that makes me feel worse and incredibly guilty. What happens come when the baby is due and she possibly might not be pregnant, will she avoid us then as well?

I have my own problems surrounding her miscarriage in that initially I was convinced late MC are really common and absolutely terrified of going through what they have. I had to speak to my GP about it, feel better now but it still plays at the back of my mind especially as time ticks on

Has anyone else been on either end of this sort of thing, any advice for me on how to deal with this?

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  • Hi MrsT,

    Sounds like your SIL and BIL have really been through it and my heart goes out to them. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they must be going through and of course the rest of the family too.
    I think at the moment they just need their space, and as your SIL said it isn't anything personal its just that the emotions they are feeling will still be very raw for them. Is she getting any counselling to help her deal with what happened?

    I haven't personally been in a situation like this (and I pray to God I never will be) but if I were you I would maybe think about writing your SIL a letter. Saying you understand that it must be incredibly difficult for her right now and that if she wants to keep some distance that is ok for now but you look forward to the day when she feels ready to talk again, and that you will always be there for her when she needs you.

    Sometimes it can be easier to put down what you want to say in a letter then in person.

    I hope it all works out, I am sure she will come round eventually. Good luck in your pregnancy, we all worry about miscarriage during pregnancy. Late miscarriage/ still birth is uncommon so try not to think about it too much. I had bleeding twice during my pregnancy and went on to have a healthy baby boy who I am so grateful for.

    Liz x
  • MrsT please dont feel pushed away or peed off with your SIL. I also had premature labour at 23 wks and lost 2 girls. I resented everyone around me for quite a few weeks, even those closest to me. One of my really close friends gave birth to her twin girls a month ago and I couldnt even talk to her at first. I was finally able to go and see her without tears this week. Please be patient with her, she will come round but at the moment, as much as she loves you, shes wondering why it happened to her and not anyone else. Its a really devasting time for her but time is a healer. Let me know if you want to talk some more
    xxxxx
  • MrsT - sorry I haven't really got any suggestions and don't have experience of quite the same thing but try not to feel excluded by your SIL - easier said than done I know - but she still has a lot of emotional healing to do and obviously finds it too painful to be around pregnant women. She'll find it easier in time I'm sure. I remember when I was ttc it felt like everyone else was having success and I found it a real effort to be cheery and positive around them and this is a whole different ball game again - after all your SIL is still grieving. I'm sure she means what she says about it not being personal - I'm sure she feels the same about being with any pregnant woman right now. Give her time - and don't feel guilty about your own happiness - enjoy your pregnancy as you won't be able to re-live it.
  • I agree with LizB - a letter is a great idea because she can read it at her pace and reflect on it when the time's right for her. Much easier than wit a text.
  • I had a mmc last August and my best friend then broke the news that she was pregnant and i have to admit i avoided her for some time! It not that we not happy it is purely the fact that it opens up old wounds and can't help thinking why me why can't my baby have survived why is hers fine? It a lot of mixed emotions going on! I have since got pregnant again but it takes time to heal. I'm now god parent to her little boy and feel guilty about missing so much of her pregnancy and not having my friend to talk too. She did stress her concern but until they have dealt with it emotionally and mentally it best to give them time. She will come round eventually but it has to be in her own time without being pushed. Keep your chin up and rest assured you will soon have your friend back!
  • I'm not really pissed off with her, just frustrated that she's shut down on me just because I'm pregnant. She used to open up to me and tell me allsorts about what happened and now its as if she is betraying something if she confides in me.

    When she had her little boy (did any of you name your LO?) they gave him a name, were able to wash him and dress him. She had him in the night and parents on both sides were able to go straight in to be with them, and the vicar that married them came in to baptise him. He stayed with them all the next day in a moses basket untill she was discharged and because she wouldn't leave him he was taken first.

    I'm having nightmares about late miscarriage, because the day before he was born she was in hospital with contractions every 20 minutes and we we went in to see her and I can't stop thinking about that visit. The fear on her face and the sheer bloody pain she was in, as we were leaving they were coming down to every five minutes :cry:

    About a week later before the funeral, we gave her a silver locket with his name and dob engraved on the back.... She loves it and it's something she wears most days. I just want to be able to help like I was doing and now I feel helpless and pushed out but through no fault of my own :cry:
  • awww your story has made me cry, i cant hink of anything worse. try to imagine yourself in her shoes. i dot thinki would want anyone near me let alone a pregnant relative. she could be scared for you as well you know and emotionally distancing herself just in case. i now its not likely but a grieving mind can think all sorts. iw ould write her a letter but dont say about how you feel pushed away etc just tell het that you love and care for her and that you will be there when she feels ready. i know this is hard for you because you used to be so close and at the min you are probably happier than ever with your bump. this is such a sad story i wish you both all the health and happiness in the world. xxxx
  • Hi hun, my sil lost her baby to stillbirth at 38+2 and couldnt bare to see me do anything while pregnant. She cried her heart out when she saw me painting. I didnt know what to say to her. She didnt come to the hospital when lo was born, at 38+2 which was weird. She did call round to the house the night we got home. She lost a little boy and id had a girl so i think that made it easier for her. Her sister had a boy a few months after she lost hers and she didnt even see him till he was 4 months old as it hurt so much. They didnt push the issue but i felt like i had to say something the night we got home from the hospital. I just walked straight over to her and set my baby in her arms. She started crying and so did i but she later said she needed that. She cried for half and hour and i juat sat there, it was the first time she had cried in over a year from her little boy died.
    Its so hard to know what to do and what to say, i could have done a very wrong thing by handing my baby to her, it could have backfired but thankfully it didnt. After she stopped crying she told us she was pregnant again and found out the day lo was born. She also found out last week she is having a girl and its due on my birthday! I hope your friend is ok and it will take a long time for her to recover, i hope you have a good pregnancy and dont be too hard on yourself either, its natural to want everyone to be happy about your pregnancy, just tread easily. xxxxxxxx
  • Thanks girls, I feel much better reading your replies if not slightly sad that it happens more than you think :cry:

    I think a letter would be a good idea, but I'm not sure what I would say? I want it to be something she can read when she is ready and then dispose of. I'm also abit paranoid she might show her non-pregnant friends what I've said to her, but she wouldn't would she if she had value for our friendship? Though I don't mind her showing her hubby if she wanted....

    We have a mutal friend who gets married abroad this summer and then is having a party on their return.... it's going to be end of July/August and at the moment I don't feel I can go because I know she will be there and I'll be very obviously pregnant. Silly I know but she has said she is avoiding me and now I'm terrified of bumping into her because she doesn't want to see me!

    The night we gave her the locket, it took me something like 2 hours to pluck up the courage to give it her and then when she unwrapped it she gave me a massive hug and we both just cried our eyes out on each other....

    It's so hard for everyone. My pregnancy is under the spotlight anyway with OH parents they've already been through so much this year :\(
  • hi i have to reply i totally understand how you are feeling. my best friend in the world got pg 4 weeks after me by IVF. she was ecstatic and we went through our entire pg together. when i had my son a week early she was so excited and came to visit etc. then she went for an antinatal check up at 40+1 and no heartbeat. her baby had died inside her and she had to give birth. i was absolutley devastated. she has never been the same. she eventually called me 5 weeks after the birth to say they had the funeral and it was the cord wrapped around neck.
    she had a little boy too.
    she has since had a failed ivf and i am now pregnant but i only just plucked up the courage to tell her we are trying last week!
    i am going to tell her in a couple of weeks. she didnt come my sons christening last week either. i am worried about losing her completely when she knows im pg again. she has only seen my son once since her son died its awful! i wish i could help her x
  • Hello, I haven't been coming on this site very much recently but felt I needed to respond to this thread.

    In February this year I lost my baby boy at 27 weeks pregnant. They still are doing tests to see why. This time in my life has been the worst ever.

    A month after I lost my baby, my SIL announced she's pg due in september. I haven't spoke to her since....not because I'm not happy for her, but because I'm sad for us and it's still too hard. Also I worry that something will happen to her baby, even tho it's so unlikely. It's not personal, it's not my SIL, it would have been anyone who shared their news at this time in my life. I do have to admit I hope they have a girl as my heart will be less broken than if they have a boy.

    I'm still so sad and heartbroken, I cry most days. It breaks my heart to see pg women and small babies, but my friends children are ok. I would have been due in May. I'm sure that all this sounds so selfish.....the riot of emotions have been very hard to deal with.

    My advise is to be there when these ladies want to talk, text, email or phone, see you and cry on your shoulder......sometimes the pain is almost too much......sometimes I just want to shut the doors and block out the world, sometimes I want to talk about it all.....

    The special ladies in your lives will come around eventually....just give us the time and space and we'll come to you. xxxxx

    I hope this helps. xxxx

  • wow i can understand you being resentful towards the fact she is avoiding you, and i can also understand her reason for avioding. she may feel like she would just make you concious of enjoying your pregnancy because she was around, and also it would abviously upset her to see you bloom and then give birth, and maybe she doesnt want to be around hat. she might be avoiding you for both of your benefit. she doesnt want to be jealous, and upset over what is happening and she doesnt want to make you feel bad. it sounds a litle naive, but its true. My friend had been trying to concieve for almost a year and i fell pregnant by complete accident, i know its a little different, but she explained that she was jealous and didnt want to stop me enjoying it, so she disincluded herself. I cant really give you any advice on how to handle your situation, for me i was lucky, my frend fell pregnant a month ago and she jumped back into the swing of things. sorry for being usless, but i hope this work out for you. sarah 28weeks
  • I'm sorry to hear about your sil's & bil's loss.

    I had a mmc about 18 months ago and at around the same time a friend had a mc and another friends sisters waters broke at 16 weeks and she had to give birth to her little boy knowing he wouldn't make it. We all kinda went through it together and it was much easier to talk to them as they knew the pain and none of us had to explain how we were feeling.

    I think its normal to go through a stage of struggling to deal with pregnant people or people with children. I went through a stage of immense jealousy seeing anyone pregnant and the thoughts going through my head were 'why you and not me'. I also didn't want to see most people because my hubby and I wanted to be a lone to heal without people (mostly parents) fussing at us.

    Liz's suggestion of a letter is a good one - that way you can let her know that you are thinking of her. Please try not to be offended at her distancing herself - I can totally see why she is doing it.. with time I'm sure your pregnancy will get easier but it is a very hard thing to see someone close to you having what you want. I saw my friend with her 2 young children about 2 months after I miscarried and it was so hard for me.. I had to force myself to see them and it hurt so much.

    At the same time I fell pregnant, my friend had been trying for a baby for over 6 months and she was a bit upset that I fell first, and when we tried again after a few months, she was the only one I told because I knew she was having problems. We now have a little boy and she's on the waiting list for IVF so its hard for her sometimes to see us too and I can only sort of understand how it feels fo rher.

    My friend's sister named her little boy, and we named our baby - we don't know for sure she was a girl as it was so early on but we had a girl vibe and we prefer to think of our baby as a her rather than an it.

    I know its easier said than done but please try not to worry about late miscarriage. I was terrified throughout my whole pregnancy and we had a 4d scan at 30 weeks which was so reassuring for us. Please try and bear with your sil as she grieves for her loss - I know its easier said than done though. One thing that i found hard when we lost our lo was that people kept fussing at me and asking how I was and telling hubby to look after me but noone asked how he was - and he was hurting too - please don't be offended but remember your bil will be hurting too.

    Sorry this is a bit rambly - 18 months on and it still hurts..
    Big hugs to everyone who has lost a lo
  • hi hun,i too can relate to this as i went into prem labour just over 4 yrs ago at 23 weeks and lost my little boy.It upset me to see pregnant people and you do kinda feel like y me?it can make you very angry especially if you dnt have a reason as to y it happened but just give her time and im sure she'll come round.Its all very fresh and she is probably worried about getting upset if she sees you.It takes a long time to start feeling better after such a loss but im sure shes very happy for you xx
  • But this is what I don't understand, I know it's hard for her to deal with pregnancy when she isn't.... But they are both great talkers of drawing a line under what happened and moving on, looking to the future. Does this mean she is struggling with what they say? Because you can't avoid people and being moving forward

    My OH has asked me not to write a letter as it's his brother and he thinks I'm just going to upset the apple cart. He's of the opinion if that's how she wants to be leave her to it, you haven't done anything wrong
  • i think maybe they are putting on a brave face by saying they are moving on.It was only a few months ago and i dnt think that anthing can raelly be back to "normal" in that short time.You havent done anything wrong at all,she probably just feels awkward around you at the moment.Why not suggest the 2 of u go out for a drink/meal or somethin so u can have a chat.If she dosent want to at least you have tried.congratulations on your pregnancy by the way,how far r u?i have got 6 weeks left! hanna x
  • Yeah I am feeling quite low atm, I've been quite sick and generally feeling pretty crap - I'm 10 weeks now :\) Me and OH are fine, he just doesn't want to cause any upset which is the way he is, he spends his life sitting on the fence!!

    My FIL is of the opinion that everything is back to normal, even after the funeral he was like 'right over and done with back to normal life' which I thought was quite hard. He asked us how they took the news and when we said not too good he said 'well they need to deal with it, people aren't going to stop having babies because of them' image

    My MIL is the opposite!! very nervous and quite uptight about our pregnancy.

    Think I might ask her in a couple of weeks if she fancies lunch somewhere, because if I don't and she continues to avoid me it's going to be August before we know it, I'm going to be showing and this party is going to be very uncomfortable & I for one am not happy going knowing she wants to avoid me due to my pregnancy
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