Upset-Advice needed

Hi all

This is going to be a totally randon post but I just really needed somewhere to come and tell my problem instead of keeping it to myself. I am 38+5 weeks pregnant & on Thursday I asked my mum when would she like to know i was in labour. ie when I get to hospital or would she prefer if we just called her & told her that her first grandchild had been born - I thought she would have liked this as I thought it would have been a nice surprise for her, unfortunately she doesn't see it like that & thinks that this is the most horrendous idea she has ever heard and cant think of anything worse than to be told her grandchild has just been born and instead wants to know when I have my first contraction. I explained to her that this may not be possible and I don't really want to make a fuss when I start getting contractions as I would like to stay at home for as long as possible. She then announced that she wants to come straight to the hospital when i go there and wait, I told her i didn't want this as I only want my partner & I to be there then whoever wishes to visit can do so. After her telling me she wasn't happy with this as she wanted to cut my babies cord as my partner doesn't think he will manage as he's quite squemish she said she wasn't having anymore to do with the whole thing and doesn't want anything to do with my baby, me or my partner. This has deeply upset & hurt me as I am the eldest of 3 children (23) and this is my first child, I was really looking forward to my mum being there for me and helping me out, my MIL will help me out no problem but it's not the same as having my own mum there. My two sisters who are 18 & 16 have now been told my mums side of the story and the 18year old has decided that I am the bad one in all of this and that I am trying to bribe them to have something to do with my baby. As you can imagine this upset me even more as I would never use anything against anyone to bribe them. I tried explaining to my sister this wasn't the case and explained my side of things but she wasn't having any of it and I was told she will "see me whenever & see the baby whenever", I have tried getting in touch with my mum to sort things out but I am repeatedly told don't phone again I meant what I said. I don't know whether just to leave it as it is and call her when am in labour or have my first contraction and arrange for her to go to the hospital - that way she will get what she wants and it will put and end to this argument or if I should stick to my guns and do as she says and not bother telling her when my LO is born. I've told her this is upsetting me but clearly she isn't interested in my feelings or the stress it's putting me under.

I'm really sorry for the long story, I just needed to come somewhere and tell someone who isn't my OH (his attitude is don't bother telling her anything and if she decides she wants to see LO then she has to apologise first - which I know she wont) but the longer this goes on the more upset I get. It doesn't help when my 18year old sister is texting me to tell me that my mum is really stressed because of this all and I'm making her ill with it.

Again sorry for the long story.

xx
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Posts

  • I don't want to sound harsh but this is emotional blackmail - don't cave in, go with your original plan. Your mum needs to learn that she can't just throw a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants and as for your sister taking sides that is completely unfair and you should ignore her until she can grow up enough to be a bit fairer to you. How does your mum normally react in an arguament - is this totally out of character for her?

    As much as we love our mums they can be a bit difficult and although mine has no designs on being at the birth she does tend to take all arguaments completely out of proportion and make it look like a personal attack on her. I tend to completely ignore this until she calms down and then it either blows over or we agree to disagree.

    Sorry i'm not sure I have been of much help but I definately wouldn't change your plans and I am sure she will be unable to stay away from her new grandchild when it is born. If you can just ignore the arguament and concentrate on keeping yourself well and happy. Feel free to come on here and vent as much as you like if it helps!
  • Thanks Lottie.

    No it's not out of character for my mum to act like this in an argument & she also makes everything out to be an attack on her. I think I will take your advice and stick to my orginal plan. Hopefully she will come round.

    Thanks very much.

  • You're welcome, there was a thread on mums here a few days ago - have put the link below so you can see that you are certainly not the only one with mum "issues"!

    http://www.babyexpert.co.uk/index.php/chatroom/topic/14547
  • Hi your mum is being completly unreasonable! this is yours & your partners baby she can't call the shots! I would not contact her & let her be the one who phones you (although i know its hard) You may find once lo comes along all this might have been forgotten about.As for your sisters i think they need to listen to both sides or keep out of it,
    Don't cave in you are in the right! i know when i was having lo my mum was abit the same *not as bad though &she said she wanted to sit round in case hubby fainted or something & the ward wouldn't let her near me because of security so she ended up sitting in the restaurant for 5 hours!! stay strong i hope it all works out for the best xo
  • Your mum sounds so much like mine. When they want something and don't get it their own way they use every underhand emotional trick in the book.
    Definitely stick to what you planned and don't let her get to you or your sisters. This is one of the most special times there are and you should try and enjoy it as much as possible, its her loss if she wants to be ridiculous about it and ultimately she will be the one missing out not you.
    Your H2B may be squemish at the mo but things change when you are in the delivery room and he may well want to cut the cord my hubbie did and he was adament that he was staying away from the business end, as it happens he watched my daughters head crown the works and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
    Best of luck, stay strong and just look forward to your georgeous little baby arriving

    xx
  • Thanks for all the advice, I'm definately going to stick to what I decided, only me and OH at birth, it's our first baby, we made this baby and we will be the ones to welcome LO into the world (along with midwife lol).

  • How selfish of her! Its your choice and I can appreciate she'll be disappointed at not being at the birth, but its unfair of her to turn it round to make you the bad person. You don't need this stress at the moment and as for your sister, she needs to grow up and stop taking sides as its got nothing to do with her. Your mum has blown it all out of proportion and she needs to learn that she can't just throw a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way.x
  • absolute classic case of emotional blackmail. Really at this stage in your pregnancy & life you don't need this kind of toxic crap so I agree with the others, just stick with what you have agreed with OH & don't give in cause i can be 100% sure that if you do, she will view it as a victory & she will keep doing it. Next thing she wil be trantruming cause she can't name your baby or something!!!!
  • Absolutely stick to your guns!! You have to do what is right for you and your oh..and noone has any right to say otherwise (well except maybe the docs and the mw!!)

    At the risk of sounding harsh - I would just leave it to your mum to make contact for now - let her realise you are serious. You have to stick to what you say otherwise she could well keep pulling hte emotional blackmail all the time.

    Sometimes you have to be harsh just to get a point across - Last year I pretty much cut off contact from my parents for quite a long time due to the way they were after my m/c ad the way they wouldn't respect my feelings - I had to because it was the only way I could deal with them - and now my mother thinks that everything is alright and we are best of buddies ..which we aren't.

    You are in the right..you got to do what is best for you and your oh and baby... whatever that may be. We are going to have a similar problem - hubbys dad has announced that he intends to blatently disregard our request for no visitors for a week or so... he doesn't know how determined I can be- If I have to then I'll take the batteries out of the doorbell and unplug the phone so that they don't bother us and at the moment I'm in 2 minds as to whether to tell parents when I go into labour as I don't fancy them on the doorstep!

    Hope things work out ok for you
  • Thank god I am not the only one with a mother like this! She really does drive me insane at times! I know she means well etc etc but I am definately sticking to my guns and having just me and OH at the birth and I'm not going to contact her until she gets in touch with me. If she doesn't get in touch before LO born then she will find out from someone sooner or later that she has a grandchild and she can get in touch with us first.

    Thanks again everyone for listening.

    xx
  • oh yvonne-marie
    I feel really sorry that you are being put through all this stress. I also cant believe how SELFISH and CHILDISH your mum is being!!!!!!
    Ask her what happened when she had her babies - was her mum there cutting the cord?? I doubt it!
    She obviously has deep issues but this is not the time for her to be throwing a 2yrs old type strop! She should be quietly supportive and just be there when you want her.

    She has had her kids this is your time now, your baby - not hers and she has no right to dictate such things. She should be honoured that you even asked her what she would like - plenty wouldnt.

    Do your own thing with your oh and at the end of it you will have the memory of a lovely, private moment when your baby is born with just the 2 of you, as it should be with every couple.
    All the best.xxxx
  • I can't believe she would do that to you! I'm sure if you stick to your original plan she can't really argue with that. If you back down then I can only imagine what other demands she will make later on (and she'll expect you to back down then too).

    I feel the same as you. I'm having my first and I don't even think I want to see the rest of my family until the next day. I can't be bothered with all these people visiting and taking my baby off me when I'm trying to bond with it.

    Let us know how you go and I hope it all goes well. Try not to stress if you can, for your sake and the baby.
  • Hi yvonne-marie, sending you a great big hug....You stick to your guns girl!! Be strong...as I'm sure you are....If you give in to your mum she'll she is as she's won and she will always throw a paddy to get her own way. The question is; Where does it stop with her? I too had to draw the line somewhere with mine and I've never looked back since. Wish I'd done it years ago...Good luck....sarah xx
  • Im going to play the diplomat in this scenario;Maybe your mum feels a bit left out. Although you are her eldest, you are still her baby, and im sure she feels very protective towards you. At the begining of my preg my mum got a bit huffy when i said i didnt want her there. My Oh is squemish and not very assertive and looking back now i think she wanted to be there to support me as she doesnt trust that my oh will be enough support. As time has gone on and im feeling petrified i have asked my mum to be there ( i didnt realise how much her support means to me), BUT i have made it clear that as soon as baby is born i want those crucial moments to be just me, baby and Oh. Which she is fine about. Like i say i think she just wants to protect me and make sure that nothing goes wrong, as for all she has given birth 3 times and was there for both of my neices births, so she has more experience then me and hubby have.

    Getting back to your dilemma, if i was you i would buy your mum a nice card and write in it how you feel. Acknowledging her point of view also. I can have a rocky relationship with my mum at times and i have learnt the hard way! Say you understand what shes saying but..... and make a compromise.

    I hope this helps. Just a word of advice. Its not worth falling out with her over it. Im not saying to give in, stick to what you think is best, but at the end of the day you will need your mum for support even after the baby is born.
    Hannah
    38+4
  • Bless - it's not nice to have so much stress when you're already anxious about things anyway!
    I think your mum is being a little selfish but like Hannah said, you are her baby and she probably wants to feel wanted and needed. My mum had asked if she could be at my daughters birth but I said no, that I just wanted it to be my oh and I for the delivery but that she was welcome to wait in the waiting room and come in as soon as things were sorted and cleaned up! As it happened, I had to have a section anyway and they wouldn't let her in anyway but she came in to see her granddaughter as soon as she had been cleaned up, weighed an d had had a feed.
    You will probably need the support of your mum as soon as lo has been born, so try not to let it drag out for too long! I dont think you should give in though, just try to explain how you feel.
    Lots of love and luck for whatever you decide to do.
    xx
  • Oh Yvonne I don't know whether you clicked on link that one of the ladies included on here but it took you to a topic that I posted last week 'stroppy mothers' I'm having the same problem and found alot of comfort in the fact that lots of us have the same issues with our mothers. I don't have any sisters so don't have that problem but I wouldn't worry about them because they'll have kids soon enough and they'll get to experience it first hand. As for your mother as stubborn as she's being she's not gonna want miss out or probably risk lossing face in front of your MIL. I'm going to be ringing my MIL as soon as something happens because she's normal and she's a great source of support without needed to be right there. My mother I will be ringing her when I need to so I was thinking when I'm about 8cm, me and my hubbie have spent time discussing this and the fact is my mother won't actually know how long I've been in labour unless I tell her. Your mother won't be aware whether it's your first contractions or your 51st contraction, tell when you have to. If she's still being childish bugger her you'll be a mother yourself then and have a family of your own to worry about, but I'm sure she'll come around quite quickly. That's what I'm counting on anyway... Good Luck Lisa xxx 38+1 weeks
  • My Mum hasn't been quite as harsh as yours but similar. Wants to be told the second I have a contraction etc etc - however, I have already told her I don't want her in the room when I have the baby, just me and OH as she wasn't there when we managed to get pregnant and I only want OH to be there when baby arrives in the world.

    This is your baby, your life and your decision and like it or not your Mum should respect that. I have discussed with OH that he will tell Mum to come to the hospital when I give him the nod, I do not want her sitting outside the door for 24 hours waiting because it will stress me out more worrying about how she's doing.

    I had to get quite strong with my mum the other evening and explain to her that there is no such thing as a 'normal' birth and we have no idea what is going to happen. It could be that I am there for 36 hours, could be that I am rushed into a emergency c-sec - who knows!

    I think you should really not stress yourself at this time and concentrate on you and your baby. Ring her when YOU feel the time is right and I bet my bottom dollar she won't tell you to bog off then because she will be so excited about her first grandchild arriving!

    Two last points: your OH doesn't have to cut the cord if he's squeamish - mine isn't going to either, there is no law that says they have to! Also, bugger your sisters, it's nowt to do with them either! Don't let them try the emotional blackmail trick either, You will only kick yourself afterwards if you let them.

    Good luck!
    Tracey
    40 weeks 12 days
    xx
  • i really feel for you! i havn1t spoken to my mum for 2 years, she has never met my fiance and has not even sen me pregnant, i am fine with this as since the age of 11 my dad has been my mum and dad and done a fantastic job! but if i did speak to her and told her what i wanted, she would be EXACTLY the same! shes so hot headed and would never consider what i wanted! (part of the reason we fell out but thats another story) however i still speak to my mums side of the family she has alot of sisters and they are all extremely oppinionated and tend to take over so i know the time will come in the next ten weeks until i have my baby, when i will have to be really strong and put me my baby and my finance first, you must do the same! i am quite a quiet person and i know putting my foot down with them will be hard but it must be done! please or offend! i am 21 so we are quite close in age. my aunties keep saying to me that there is a grandchild on the way so i should make it up with my mum but i wont let them use my son as a bargaining tool! she hasnt bothered with me for 2 years after i tried to patch things up when we first feel out but she wanted it all on her term so i said for forget it! i know its hard but you must be strong!! sorry for long reply! lol
  • Hi Yvonne
    I'm not in the same situation as you at the moment but I'm planning a home birth and my mum thinks that she and my dad are going to be stood round the birthing pool as I give birth - so I might well be when I tell her that's not going to happen. I tell you how she reacts when I get the courage to tell her! Hope your mum comes round hun, xxx
  • omg lola..I can't imagine anything worse than having my parents stood around the birthing pool!!!! I really don't need anyone that doesn't have to be there to see me like that! Mind you if I let my mother there she'd probably spend all her time telling me I should be in hospital!!

    Can you not use the excuse of not enough space or that the midwife won't allow any mroe than one person or soemthing like that? Good luck telling her!!
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