Am I being stupid??

Hevma · Mar 6, 2008 8:26AM

Hello.

My LO is 6 weeks old and i feel like me and my OH are drifting apart and i feel total resentment towards him.

He works and i stay at home, i also have a 1 1/2 yr old. i'm expected to do all the washing, entertain my children, clean the house and wotever else. Its really hard with two children, especially as my 1 yr old likes alot of attention and my LO has gripey pains so never settles for very long.

Evertime i ask him to feed LO or anything to do with him, it seems like such a hardship. he moans about it.

On saturday, he did a load of washing (the majority of it was his work clothes) and a few extras. when it was finished, he took hia work clothes out and dried them, and left the rest in the washing machine. I've just found them and will have to wash them again!! How selfish was that?? He never does the washing. Everything is left to me and when i dont do something he makes me feel sh*t about it!!

He gets up for work on a morning about 7 and LO usually wakes up for a feed at bout 6.15 and he wont even do that feed for me so i can hav another hour in bed after being up thru the night.

I feel like i want to leave him cos i am just fed up. I also have mild depression so that cant help the situation

Am i being stupid???

LottieNH · Mar 3, 2008 8:59AM

No you're not, the washine machine thing alone would have really annoyed me - I suggest you go on strike and only wash the children and your clothes, don't mention it and when he cannot find anything to wear point out that he did exactly the same to you last week.

I know I sound a bit mean but men are not brilliant at hints - how would he react if you sat him down and said that he doesn't help enough and when he does he makes you feel like rubbish for asking?

Personally I would take a zero tolerance approach - if you tell him nicely once and he doesn't listen then tell him straight that its just not good enough. Its not your depression that's not helping the situation, its the situation thats not helping your depression - you deserve not to have to do everything on your own and I hope he listens to you.

angel100 · Mar 3, 2008 9:59AM

hi. me and my oh were having same problems a few months back. i did exactly what lottie78 said. i went on strike. i only washed mine and lo stuff. only sorted food for the 2 of us and only did housework that benefited lo. we had a big blow out about it and he realised just how much i have to do. i have to say since then he is much better. im not saying he is perfect but he does help out now. hope this helps.xx

Benjismummy · Mar 3, 2008 3:16PM

Hi i think you should sit him down and tell him just how you are feeling,or maybe write it all down and give him the letter to read!he maybe doesnt know just how difficult he is making the situation,men do tend to be abit clueless in this and selfish,he will probably be thinking he goes out to work all day yet you never get a day off and your working hrs dont end!!!!!!!maybe also go to your docs to rule out pnd but as another poster said everything that is happening now wont be helping and it does need to be resolved,you know your partner the best and we can only offer advice.I had a similar problem,in that i wasnt getting the help or support i so needed from my babies dad,we are no longer together and i found i coped better on my own and both me and baby are alot happier,im in no way saying you should seperate from your partner,but things wont change till you take charge of the situation.hope you get some advice that helps!x

Hevma · Mar 4, 2008 5:23AM

Hi

We tried to talk bout things last night and i told him my concerns wiv him and he just turned round and said...well i have loads of issues with you but cant say nothing cos ur depressed! I told him to tel me but he wouldn't.

Now he has gone to work, after sleeping downstairs and i think we splitting up. He just doesn't listen to me. wont take critisism without throwing it back. I know i have my faults but he just wont listen to me.

Yesterday i did just mine and the kids washing and his is still in the basket...where it will stay.

He says i have until he gets back from work to decide what i want to do!!

CBB · Mar 4, 2008 6:22AM

how completely unfair of him to make you decide what happens with your relationship.

Do you feel you would be happier without him there? He has to understand there is two of you in this relationship.

I had some really bad problems with my hubby recently and asking advice on here made me stand up for myself so luckily we have sorted things out.

Perhaps post this in the pregnancy forum as some of the ladies in there are going through or have been through the same thing.

I hope things get sorted for you hun and I'm sorry I couldn't offer more advice.

Caz
xx

Hevma · Mar 4, 2008 6:35AM

I honestly think i might be happier without him.

He just said on the phone he's not bothered anymore so i suppose thats the decision made,

my step mum cleans for a living in big cottages and her house is immaculate and he just compared me to her saying our house is a tip. its not even that bad!! I cant believe he did that. xx

Benjismummy · Mar 4, 2008 6:40AM

Hi this is the sort of thing my ex did to me..he is turning it all onto you and making himself out to be the victim and it isnt fair,saying he cant talk to you because your depressed is unfair.I still say you should write it down and maybe he could do the same?that way you will find out what he has to say!?! Can you not go and stay at a friends or family members for a few days?maybe leaving will shock him and then you may finally get somewhere,the space will give you time to really think and also give you a taste of what it would be like without him!sorry cant help more hope you can sort something out for yourself forget about your partner for a minute and really think what you want and what would make you happy...he isnt doing that is he?so maybe you know what you should do!

Hevma · Mar 4, 2008 6:50AM

I asked him to stay at his mams for a few days but he said if he goes he wont come back.

I cant really go and stay somewhere cos of the boys, all the toys and everything is here!

He wont write stuff down either, thinks its stupid!!

He's such a pig. I cant believe this is happening, my LO is only 6 weeks old. How will i cope??

Benjismummy · Mar 4, 2008 7:38AM

Hi again,i only suggested you to go elsewhere cus i was unsure of your living situation.i never had a problem with this as its my house,i own it and my ex came to live with me so when he left i didnt have to worry about anything except paying everything myself,but in honesty i had been doing that with him there most of the time anyway!You will cope,i wont pretend its easy at first(we spilt when LO was 4/5 wks old)so i know how horrible it feels and how let down and unloved it makes you feel...you have a beautiful baby and shouldnt be feeling this way,if anything it should of made you closer,this is how i used to think and i really beat myself up over it for awhile,then i realised it was HIS problem and i got on with things myself,putting me and baby frst,and you know what it made me alot happier!I think you should let him go if he will,it might make him realise or it might mean he doesnt come back,but you cant continue like you are,you deserve your happiness and hes stopping you,this is the time he should be supporting you no matter,you have only just given birth to his child!I really cant help because i just want to say grt out of the relationship but its your call.maybe talk to your HV or family?its a tough one and very upsetting but please be assured you can and will cope on your own if it comes down to that and it wont be that way forever!once you are free from all the stress you will be amazed how clearer you can think about things and how happier that makes you!take care x

[Modified by: sarahlou78 on March 04, 2008 11:39 AM]

Hevma · Mar 4, 2008 7:49AM

Thanks, that makes me feel alot stronger. He is going to his mams tonight but dont hink he'll be back.

I'll be ok.

CBB · Mar 4, 2008 8:43AM

You have to remember that you and your children are most important if he wants to come back then things have to change.

You will be able to cope on your own hun, I'm not denying it would be difficult but you can do it.

Have you got family or friends you can talk to? rather than having to deal with it on your own?

C
xx

Hevma · Mar 4, 2008 3:05PM

Well we've decided to have a good chat tonight.

Hope it works cos i've been so miserable today.

Just need him to liosten and get my point across!! Then i need some support from him!!

LottieNH · Mar 5, 2008 9:09AM

Hi Hevma, how did it go?

Hevma · Mar 6, 2008 8:26AM

Hi...

Well i told him everything that he is doing to upset and annoy me and he promises to try harder. So far so good.

He got up in the night an hour before he gets up for work to feed LO after i'd been up thru the night for 2 n half hrs.

Havent had a chance for the other things yet as we've been so busy!!

I hope things do improve and stay that way. I dont wanne be by myself!!

Am I being stupid??

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