How do I leave?

em29 · Jan 31, 2010 2:07PM

Hello ladies - I am in a very difficult position. I am pretty sure my husband has had an affair recently with a girl from work. I found the texts 6 months ago. Denied it an i gave him another shot - asking to keep all contact with the girl to a minimum and to stop deleting the txts she sends so i can see for myself if it is innocent. However, i found that he stored her name under a mans name (he isnt that bright is he!) and was still having contact. We had it out again and he insisted she is just a friend. Anyway all has been well and quiet except the other night i heard his phone beep at 1 in the morning. I didnt look. When e got up in the morning he read it a deleted it. Then, he went out on wednesday night and i checked his phone and saw that he rang her 10 mintues before coming home. I feel so let down and betrayed - i cannot think of any legitimate reasons that he would have to be contacting her in secret other than something sexual.

I need to leave him but dont know what to do. We live in raf married quarters and i would have 90 days to find somewhere to live. Family cannot help at all. I have no money, no job and two children. I cannot believe this is happening to us. It happened to me as a child and I cannot bear to do this to my kids. I cannot go on feeling like anger is swallowing me up - i dont want to even be here anymore but i have my children to think of.
Basically i am asking how do i leave? Where do I go? do i contact the council? I have no clue what to do. I dont think i can go through with it.

ThatScottishMum · Jan 22, 2010 8:16AM

Hi Im really sorry to hear this, It must eb so difficult for you. I really dont have much experience in this but I think if you contact the council they will put you a homeless unit until they find you a suitable coucil house, (I would recomend going to the council nearest your family as you will need there support) Also contact the benfits agency (make an appointment and go down to your local jobcentre as they will give you all the relevent information on what your entitled to as a single parent and help you fill in the forms to get the ball rolling). If you go onto the benefits website there should be a calculator. The when you leave contact the csa as he will have to make payments to support his children. As much as your hurt and doing the right thing by leaving a cheat he is still the father of your children so you will need to sort out access arrangements, if you dont want to see him try and get someone to be a mediator. I think you are very brave in facing up to your problems and taking a step in the right direction for your own dignity and self worth........I wish you and your family all the best for the future x

em29 · Jan 22, 2010 8:29AM

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Everything you have put makes sense. I still have the niggling doubt that i am over reacting. He will still deny that there is anything between them. I loathe the thought of living on benefits, taking my kids from their home and not be ablt to support them i am just sitting here thinking that i should stay - if only to give my children everything they deserve. I cannot believe how badly they are being let down. But as you say, i should have dignity and self worth - but i will feel like a failure if i have to tell everyone what has happened. When i know it is HIS fault. I am such weakling at this. I am normally such a strong willed articulate person but this has knocked everything out of me.

JustNicki · Jan 22, 2010 3:15PM

hey hun, defo agree with everything gash02 says. i regards to you feeling your over reacting, i would say people if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be hiding it. If it was innocent then keeping the texts to show they are innocent wouldn't be a big issue. Maybe try and talk to her, or call his bluff. (Worked for my sister in law) if you think you are over reacting sit him down and tell him how serious you are about leaving and tell him everything he's doing thats making you feel like that. Don't feel bad about the benefits they are there to help people when they are in trouble and help them find there feet. good luck xx

MrsBounce · Jan 29, 2010 7:49AM

If you go to SSAFA

http://www.ssafa.org.uk/

or one of the support groups on camp they will give you advice. The padre will also be a good person to talk to for support and easily accessible to talk in confidence, even if you live off camp. One option (if nothing else works) can be to make him leave the quater and live back in the block whilst you are given time to sort stuff out. i know this isn't ideal but should give you some space.
However this will mean the affair is out in the open and superiors are likely to get involved. So this may be a good thing to bring up with him and shock him into doing the right thing, what ever that may be for you both, before going to outside resources. I have seen many wifes go through what you are, please don't let him make you feel like your powerless, as he will know all too well the consequences of his actions being brought out in the open. The RAF don't take kindly to married men messing around. There is a lot of help out there for single parents as others have said. Something to bare in mind becuase the RAF will look to have you moved out in 90 days following a separation, it will put you high up on a coucil house list becuase you have children.
Hope it all works out for the best.x

em29 · Jan 31, 2010 2:07PM

Thanks very much Nilo and lilbean. I have since been on the housing benefits sites etc and now have a better idea of what i need to do. I didnt really want to involve ssafa as I do not want things to be public as such. Anyway - I am just keeping where i am at the moment and waiting to see if anything else crops up as have no proof as such as to if anything has actually happened, Once i have proof he is out on his ear. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply xxx

How do I leave?

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