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What does it mean when...

It's to do with the post ''Manipulative'' if you read first

then

what does it mean when you don't like your partner touching you, don't feel like intercourse, hate it when they walk in the door?

Replies

  • Leanne I really don't think you need anyone on here to tell you how you feel. Obviously you don't even LIKE him. I really feel for you pet coz I know exactly where you are right now and its an awful place.

    Deep down you know that this can't go on forever but another part of you feels like a failure for giving up- maybe even proving other ppl who may have judged him right.

    I know that for a long time I stayed with an abusive partner for these reasons:

    1. my mum and dad hated him from the start so I didn't want them to be right
    2. I didn't want the stigma of being a single mum and other ppl looking down their noses at me
    3. I thought the best thing for my kids was two parents together
    4. I didn't want to have to sell my lovely house (again didn't want ppl looking down their noses at me)
    5. I didn't want to be scrimping and never able to afford anything (oh earned good money)
    6. I didn't want to be divorced at 25- what would ppl think
    7. What decent man would want me with two kids in tow and I didn't want to be on my own.

    All these reasons revolved around other people and their opinions not what was best for me and my children. It took me a long time to accept that the relationship needed to end and when it did I just felt numb.

    One thing my dad said to me which really shocked me into ending the relationship was one time after we had just had a row and he said I wish there was something I could say to you to help sort things out but there isn't I just worry that in 10 years time you will still be sitting here having this same discussion.

    When my dad said that to me I really thought about it- in 10 years time I will be 33 and have spent most of my life being miserable. I really didn't want that for me or my kids.

    Think about it Leanne- where do you see this relationship going?? Is it ever going to change?? Or like my dad said could you be sitting in 10 years time in the same position.

  • Exactly what Kthom says!
  • The list you wrote out is exactly the same as how I feel. I am just too weak to leave and stay away.
  • You are NOT weak so stop telling yourself that. I promise you if you leave him and stay away from him then it gets easier.

    But you will not leave for good until you are ready- no matter what advice you are given, no matter what he does or how much he hurts you, you won't go for good until YOU decide.

    I really hope for your sake and your childs that this is sooner rather than later coz these situations only get gradually worse which will break you down bit by bit till you no longer realise who you are anymore.

    Even if eventually it did change it would probably be too late. I know this from my mum and dads experience.

    They got together and got married young and had kids. Then he started drinking and gambling and hitting her. They had an awful time and split up a few times and got back together- they even split for 2 years at one point.
    Anyway I don't know what exactly did it but he changed- it all stopped the violence, excessive drinking and some of the gambling and they are still together all these years later (it happened before I was born so its over 25 years ago that it stopped)
    This however IS NOT a success story coz my mum has never properly forgiven him he is now a doting dad, grandad and husband but nothing he ever does is good enough for her. They live together but have been like strangers since even before I was born. My mum took alopecia and lost all her hair- which never grew back, due to the stress of what happened and I think this is a big part of why she can't forgive him and move on.
    As a result she is a very bitter woman and gets worse as she gets older- I KNOW she would be a completely different person and much happier if they had split up years ago but her attitude now is he does her no harm and he would have nowhere else to go if she put him out.

    Don't waste your life being unhappy- you only get one go at it and you should make the most of it- you deserve to be happy.
  • thank you so much for replying i really appreciate it. I understand your point that it could get worse and may get worse if i leave it too late. i'm sorry bout your mum too.

    We do only get one chance in life and i should get the best out of it. If anything happens I know what to do and just ask for help to keep strong so i dont get weak and want to go back again.

    Also i've been told that i can get an injunction on him aswell if anything happens. if he tries to put me down.
    I want to tell you to know what he said a few nights ago its so pothetic,funny and ridiculous

    he was asking meto sleep with him (intercourse) and whe i refused he said '' the angels will be cursing you until the morning'' thats what is in his religion. pothetic
  • Don't listen to that- I am not going to say anything to criticise his beliefs but he is just using that to get what he wants.

    I hope you don't think I'm a right cheeky cow for my earlier comments I just feel bad for ppl in the situation you are and I know that anyone who hasn't been through it just thinks 'well I would just leave, I wouldn't take it', but unfortunately it just isn't that easy.

    Listen if you ever want to talk to me my e-mail address is brandonlily@hotmail.co.uk

    I am on nearly every day. Take care of yourself and your lo xx
  • Thanks i have added you and your not a cheeky cow! lolimage
  • wow this has really hit home for me. my oh has a drink problem and ive been with him 7 years, to cut a long story short we go round and round in circles and i always end up letting him back, after my birthday on 27th july this year he promised to stop drinking again, and foolish me belived it. But he's doing it again. I went to pics last night and rang to say i was coming home cos was ill and he was round our mates house drinking, they only had there new baby 3 days ago(how inconsiderate of him). he thought i was going to be late and wouldnt know, so he snuck off round there with our two boys and bought beer, and didnt come home til 10 when they had school. but as usual he didnt see anything wrong with it. i know the drinking is starting again and i think my fears will be confirmed this weekend, i bet he has some excuse to drink!!! I'm so fed up of going round and round. He is a horrible drunk and nearly killed me in 2005, that was the only time he ever touched me and it went to court etc. since then the drink makes him abusive and horrible but not violent. am fed up of being treat like shit. I know there is only me can do anything about it. but i got another one of his boys due in less than two weeks and when he isnt drunk he's perfect! see i'm making excuses for him again!! god what a mess. will i ever wake up????
  • I know i will probably get bashed for this...but iam so sick of reading/hearing about women who stay with abusive,violent,controlling and simply no good partners!I know there are always lots of reasons why we stay and why we make excuses but are they really good enough?we only have one shot at life so why do we make ourselves unhappy?We have to take control of our lives and this can only start when we decide enough is enough and get out....no one can do it for you and all the advice in the world wont always help...like KThom said its only when we wake up one day and make the decision...but i just cant understand why so many ppl leave it for so long!!!!!!!!!!
    I was also in a violent relationship and had everyone telling me to leave,put my mum through endless nights of worry,yet even though i KNEW i had to leave i stayed,these type of men get a grip on you and make it difficult to leave...
    I eventually left but in an ironic twist of fate found out i was pregnant.being a single mum was and is hard but its better than staying with someone who brings you down,makes you a shadow of your former self!!
    This is all abit disjointed i know,im just trying to say if you know its not right and you cant see it ever improving,then leave,dont think to hard about it,just get out,then your life can start and trust me it really does get better!
    Im with a new partner now and i cant believe looking back all the shit i took and put up with and made bloody excuses for!madness!it really is..dont want to offend anyone because i do know how hard the actual decision is,its not the leaving that is hard its the lead up to it and actually making up your mind to do it,but please ladies dont stay if your not happy!you deserve more!
  • hi

    i haven't been in an abusive relationship myself, but i do know what it is lke to be a child of one.

    Sara- what u said there is exactly what my mum says about my dad, still she says to this day "when he wasn't being a bastard (evil shit more like) he was the lovliest man on earth", they've been divorced for 13
    yrs and had no contact with each other for 10, i haven't even heard from him in the past 10 yrs. he physically and emotionally bullied her for 15 yrs, yet even now she still has that opinion. she too was too scared to leave, and eventually he left for another woman my mum actually describes that as one of the best days of her life! she was hurt that a man who didn't deserve her also didn't want her but she was relieved that it had ended and hasn't looked back, and neither have i really. it really bugs me when people stay together for the children, its 10x worse to do that! for me my dad leaving was probably the best thing that cld have hapened, altho i'm saddened i don't have contact with him now, thats his choice not ours. he used to beat my half bro and sis too, my mums from previous marriage, so his leaving benifited all of us., sad to say but its true. if he had stayed then my mum still probably wldn't have left him, just for the lack of courage, and yes i understand that it does take a lot of courage, but think about ur kids watching all this happening and unfolding infront of them day in day out, u must have courage for them, they have no chouce in the matter. the day my parents split the whole family (including me at 11 yrs old) breathed a sigh of relief, i just wish it had happened sooner, the we all could have been free sooner.

    sorry to go on, and like Kthomm says, ponly u can make the desicion if and when to leave, but when u do get that courage to get out, use it, don't push it back for another 5/10/15/20 yrs

    all the best, and please take care

    xx
  • hi so upto now you're right i am so silly for staying i know, i'vebeen to doctors last 3 days and gave me tablets for depression. i feel a little more better about myself, like i can cope without him. i just need rid of him lol
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