Should I leave him?

lauriecajigas · Apr 10, 2008 8:55AM

Hi all,

I was hoping to get some meaningful advice about my relationship which has been quite rocky from the start. I don't know where to start...I feel so tired, mentally and emotionally drained. Oh and I have been together almost 3 years...we have had trust issues from the start, but have somewhat worked things out. I hit myself on the head for staying with him and I know its my fault for giving him repeated chances. I've always heard the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" and it is ever so true. Shame on me. He did not cheat on me...he lied, almost about everything. We had much passion and intimacy but have always lacked communication.
Then one day, lo was born. We moved in together when I was seven months pregnant. It was fine at first, but now I am feeling mentally drained from all our bickering matches. It was impulsive for us to have moved in so quickly. Lo is now 5 months and I have never pictured myself being a single mom. It is a very hard thing for me to accept, and I have learned to bite my tongue with him to keep peace around lo. I would hate for her to see mommy unhappy but it seems I would be unhappy either way if me and Oh split up or stay together. I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk with him many times about this and we end up fighting...I have tried to bite my tongue, and now, i feel much more resentment towards him everyday. He gets upset when I want to take a break from the relationship to think and de-stress and he gives me a hard time about taking care of lo. He becomes very uncooperative and seems he wants to do everything to make it as difficult as possible on me. I know the answer to my problem seems obvious..leave him. But it is not that easy..my heart would be broken if lo didn't know her father as much as she would have if i stayed. Any enlightening words...im so lost i dunno what to do.

camlo · Mar 9, 2008 6:40AM

I guess it is a no win situation but instead of seeing it as a choice betweeen living together or splitting up I think Zoey is spot on. Perhaps try and spend some time apart - so you can get support and pleasure from your friends.
From a different view- we all find babies stressful and sometimes you need to get a babysitter and spend some quality time together to remind yourselves that you are still individual adults and not just 'mum' (covered in sick and poo) and 'dad' (useless, haha).
Best of luck whatever you decide xx

mumto225 · Mar 9, 2008 8:33AM

is it the lying that is causing the problems? have you talked to him about why you are so unhappy and don't want to be fighting all the time?
at the end of the day though, no-one including l/o, will be happy if you are staying together for the wrong reasons xx.

Benjismummy · Mar 9, 2008 4:56PM

Hi im half expecting your OH to come on here and start having a go again like i noticed he did on your other posts...the reason i noticed and remembered is because my ex did excatly the same to me on another baby forum!shows a lack of respect and rather childish behaivour i think!!Im not with my babies dad and im so happier this way,and as a result so is my LO and at the end of the day no one should stay together for the kids!and if a relationship isnt working well sometimes sad but true a child will cause more problemsYou really cant keep banging your head agaisnt a brick wall,its only going to make you so unhappy and frustrated and LO deserves a happy mommy,you can still be good parents to your baby apart..maybe do as the pother posters have said and try living apart or a trial seperation?its tough being a single mom but it was alot tougher being in a relationship that wasnt working and caused endless stress and upset!wish you luck x

StrawberryGirl · Mar 9, 2008 5:42PM

Laurie, I'm not gonna say too much, just this: your baby girl will learn about life from her parents. That means the good, and also the bad.
If you are having issues with OH there are 2 things to think about 1) how you actually feel (ignore repercussions, consequences, just your gut feelings) and 2) what your girl will learn from your actions.

If you stay: will she learn that as a Mum you have to put up with a floundering relationship for the sake of the kids, live in a stressful situation, accept a partner that lies to you about things? Or will she take from it that if you have relationship problems you work them through, learn how to communicate and make thing better?
If you go: will she learn that when the going gets tough bail out? Or will she learn that sometimes the hardest roads are the ones that make you happy (and by that I mean going it alone and raising a child is really tough, but if you are happy at the end of it, that is the pay off). Do you think she would consider you 'bailing out' when times are hard, or admire you immensely for making a hard decision?

What I'm trying to say is that although we can give advice to you and your OH, whatever happens it's how you deal with the actions that will have the lasting effect on your daughter. You can't be responsible for the relationship she will have with her Dad if you go, no matter how much you try and make it work. He has to do that work for himself. He is her Daddy and that is his job. I speak from experience here as someone who recently became a single mum and I am chasing my tail to keep the relationship between my Son and his Father, and really I should be concentrating on our relationship and what he's learning from me as a Mum.

What I'd suggest is letting someone look after LO for a few hours and sit down with OH and lay all your cards on the table. Total honesty, no matter what's said try to remain calm, even if its hurtful and nasty. Agree to no fighting. If either of you start getting emotional or angry, walk away for 10 mins and start again. You also need to be completely honest with OH about how you feel, even if you don't really know how you feel. Don't think at the end of this conversation you need to come to any agreement with anything. Talk again a day or so later when everything that's been said previously has sunk in and you can look at it objectively.
If you think your relationship is already on the way out you have nothing to lose and the only way is up.

Ok, so when I said I wouldn't say much I lied!
But it's been therapeutic typing all this. I hope it might have helped just a little?

Good luck with whatever happens.

lauriecajigas · Mar 10, 2008 1:02AM

Thanks so much all for the advice. Saralou...I can't believe your ex tried to sabotage your account as well. And my last posts are still up..i was so ashamed of what he did. I'm glad there are other women out there who can lend an ear and bits of advice. I have much thinking to do..and trackieann...you are right...I don't know how i feel. Its confusing..our relationship has always been up and down and I'm not sure what to think anymore. How did you finally decide to leave him for good? I am determined to get all this figured out before lo is old enough to realize whats going on.

no3bump · Mar 10, 2008 5:24AM

Hi Laurie, i just want to say that my mum and my dad sounded very like you, mum my was always trying to keep the peace and dad was a git. I know this is just how i feel but i was so relieved when they finally split when i was 15, i was so much happier and dad was so much nicer after that to me.
They seperated when i was 11 and got back together, mum later told me it was because she wanted us to be closer to dad and she done it for us. I then told her i put on a happy face and told her to get back with him because i thought that was what she wanted! She wasted 21 years of her life with my dad and we were totally unhappy because of them being together. Im not sure if i explained this right so you will understand but sometimes its better for everyone especially your daughter if you did leave him. xxx

charlotte79 · Mar 24, 2008 3:39PM

Hi, its not a nice situation to be in and no one can tell you whats best but if you are already thinking it is best to be apart then you are prbably best to go with that for your sake aswell as the little one. You cant be unhappy forever and the baby will pick up on it.I cant believe he did that to you but dont feel ashamed at the end of day it be him that looks silly. He sounds like wants it all his own way

charlotte79 · Mar 24, 2008 3:45PM

(sorry bout that) yeah sounds like wants all own way and do anything to get it. My ex was same and like you i was quite and took it to keep the peace, i slowly became very unhappy and was a mouse, he lied and made me think i was going nuts and paranoid till i learnt the truth, then one day acracked and thought right i have had enough. We remained ok and he popped as a friend then tried to sill rule me, i met someone new which he though he could comment on so i just thought sod you mate , i havnt looked back and im very happy now with a 2week old. dif i know as you have a child but try what the others said but to lis to you isnt love with no trust it will be hard to work so maybe living seperate will be worse to trust. good luck hunxxxx

mickymatt · Apr 10, 2008 8:55AM

one thing my ex taught me was that it is so easy to break someone, to be in a situation and believe it to be normal and if not normal than all you deserve but one thing my oh of 8 years has taught me is that noone should be treated the way i was by my ex. He used drugs, sold drugs, cheated on me and was a general b******d. One day something inside me just snapped and i told him there and then it was over, i hadnt even considered saying it before the words were out of my mouth and when i did i felt like all my problems had just been washed away. I understand that things are more complicated for you as you have a child involved but as people have said she will learn from you and your mood and attitude and that will shape her for the rest of her life. My advice is simple, look after yourself first because you cant look after a child properly if you are unhappy and the rest will fall into place (eventually). Try not to dwell to much on what could happen in the future if you do leave him (ie being a single mum, dating etc) because you will never know for sure what will happen and you may be thinking worst case (or best case) scenario and this may scare you. I think previous advice about having that long dreaded open chat is something you should do and if you come away from it none the happier or if he runs rings round you then maybe it is time to at least have a break. Being apart may give you just the boost you need to know that you can cope and make the best of a difficult situation because thats what people do, it may take time and you may get back together but let it be on your terms and let him understand what he is throwing away.
Hope you find the answer you need somehow.

Should I leave him?

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