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Birth and post-birth still gets to me

I just wanted to ask if anyone knows of a site where people discuss difficult births and how it has affected them?
I had a rough time just b4 Matthew was born and afterwards and, although i feel much better now, it still gets to me and i keep telling people about then feeling stupid for going over it.
Anyway, can anyone suggest anything, or should i just try and move on and look to the future?
Thanks :roll:


  • Hi- I can't personally say I've had a difficult birth but I did have post natal depression. I'm not saying that you do have it but this can be a warning sign. Speak to ur health visitor or doctor to see what they think.

    I was frightened to tell anyone at first how I felt incase they thot I was mad or that I didn't want my baby but noone reacted like that at all.

    I hope all goes well for you.
  • Hello,
    First congratulations on your baby. I can not say how anyone might feel after a difficult birth because I really did get off lucky. Even then I still have felt the need to talk about it. It is well documented in psychology that after such a major life changing even that anyone, especially a hormone filled woman, needs to discuss and come to terms with the event they came through. Don't feel guilty or ashamed that you feel the need to talk about your birth. I mean the brith of my daughters has had to be the biggest, most life changing important events that have ever happened to me, so it seems perfectly resonable to want to try to feel more comfortable with something so big and hard to place as any sort of everyday event. So I would say talk away, I'd love to listen and the ladies on this forum are great. Perhaps if you felt like you were out of control during your birth then maybe what you are trying to attain is a level of feeling okay about not having any control. Very scary, and not easy. I can't recommend any books myself but I bet amazon might have a few good reads to reassure you that you aren't alone.

    Best wishes and I hope that time eases things for you. xx
  • Hi Ladies

    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I think i had a bit of PND for the first 2 months but now i just tend to get down here and there.

    The worst thing seems to be when other people are having their babies, or talking about their birth stories and saying how much they fell in love with their LOs/love them now. I didn't have that immed bond and didn't get to feel love towards Matthew for a 8-10 weeks. I still feel bad and guilty because i didn't bond with him straight away and i got so very low and upset a lot of the time. I had a rough time pre- birth, labour and post-birth and had got quite poorly, so logically i know why i found it difficult, just in my heart i still feel bad sometimes.

    I wanted a natural as poss birth, and that all went out the window (no-one's fault) and i wanted to b feed and that went wrong too. I also feel bad cos i wasn't able to deliver Matthew myself. Really what happened was the best for Matthew and me and he's a very healthy and happy baby. I just can't seem to completely let all the difficult times around his birth and my first feelings about him go.

    Thanks for listening,
    Juliette :\)
  • Try not to feel guilty for not bonding straightaway-if more people were honest they would tell you that there were the same its just that its hard to say because its a bit taboo. Its not that you don't love your baby its just that you don't feel the rush of love or connection that perhaps you expected.

    I can honestly now say that I didn't feel a bond for my daughter until she was about 2 and a haf- I don't feel guilty saying this I am being honest. It just hit me one day like a bolt out of the blue and I haven't looking back.

    Just because I hadn't bonded with her before this time does not mean in any way that she wasn't loved or cared for or special to me coz she was but my maternal feelings towards her just took time to develop. I would never have admitted this at the time because I was too frightened of people thinking I was a bad mother which I now know I'm not.

    I'm not saying you should tell all your family and friends in a loud voice I DON'T LOVE MY BABY coz you do but maybe talk to one or two people who are close to you get it off your chest but do not feel guilty. As for breatfeeding I gave this up because I found it too sore and then my child ended up in hospital with a milk allergy I was devastated and blamed myself at the time but how on earth was I to know.

    Guilt is a mothers biggest nightmare coz we seem to spend our lives feeling guilty really try not to coz at the end of the day you are trying your best and thats all anyone- including yourself should expect of you.
  • Thanks KThom your words have really helped. It's really kind of you to reply and be as honest as you are.
    I'll try and chat to one or two people and see if i can put my demons away.
  • Hi Juliette, I know where you're coming from, I was in the same boat as you. I had all these ideas and plans before I had my son 5 weeks ago - and none of them happened. I had a short (8 hours) labour but traumatic. Ended up having a forceps delivery and took pethidine, which I vowed I would never take! My son had trouble breathing at birth, so ended up in special care for 5 days. A week after coming home I started to feel really down, and was diagnosed with PND. After talking it over with my midwife, it was all down to the fact that the birth was the complete opposite to what I had planned. I am now on anti-depressants and am slowly making my way back up. It is hard because you expect it to be like the movies - but life isn't like that! If you need to talk I come on here everyday. Try to find someone you can be honest with, I had my husband who was a real help to me and got me through the bad times. Hope you are doing ok?
  • Hi i just wanted to say i had a it of a crappy birthing experience,i had ventouse n had to be taken to theatre to be stitched up after and as i had an epidural for the pain of stitching(only gas n air 4 actual birth tho)i couldnt move afterward n was very sore downstairs.this lasted about 2wks after birth n i was constantly in discomfort n felt silly to be moaning about it,just sittin on the end of my bed to feed my son bloody hurt like mad n it did get me down alot.i dont think i really felt this great rush of love for baby till around now(8wks later)i do feel it now n notice the difference in how i feel n act with baby to how i was earlier.chin up n everyone here will listen n not judge as we have all been there to some degree or another
  • hi juliette, sorry youve had such a bad time but what you are feeling is totally normal, when my first was born i had 45 hour labour and was traumatised by it for months after and like you it was a good 3 months before i felt that loving bond with him, also what no one tells you is that it is hard work having a baby and not at all like the picture you had in your mind, much the same thing happened with my second although i had a shorter labour she was born with the cord round her neck and her shoulders were stuck, i had terrible pnd and it took a long time to bond and although i am ashamed to admit it now there were times i could have taken her to the baby clinic and just left her there. It still makes me feel guilty sometimes but mostly i feel sad that i didnt feel able to talk to anyone so didnt seek help and as a consequence i fell like i missed out on her baby hood.

    Happily my 3rd and 4th were better experiences although i was quite shocked and upset after isaac as he was so quick and i got sent home from hospital less than 2 hours before he was born being told i wasnt in labour (without being examined) then he was nearly born in the car. Our hospital has a birth afterthoughts service where you can discuss aspects of your labour, birth and postnatal care, i did that and it really helped, ring your hv and see if your hospital offer the same service, if not you can always come on here and have a chat. Take care Hayley x
  • I too didn't feel that instant bond with my son. It took weeks for me to actually get my head around this baby being mine & from my body. I took care of him & felt love but just like for a nephew or something, not this massive bond or the rush that everyone else seems to say they get. I had a euphoric rush after labour but I really beleive that that is down to the adrenilin & homones you body produces after being in such pain??

    My labour was very traumatic & drawn out too with a lot of intervention & an hour after birth lo was wisked off for a couple of days into special care so I think this factored into the lack of feeling in the beginning too.

    Even now I can still be quite detached, like when he is really crying & my mum will be fretting over it & I am just not that bothered. I know I will be able to settle him & that he will be ok so I don't get in a state over it. Is that normal, do other mums feel like that??

    Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart now & would happily kill anyone who tried ot hurt him & even if I lost everything, as long as he was ok it wouldn't matter so the feelings came along in the end but even though I didn't have any pnd I did have baby blues about a week after he was born & the labour process was the only thing I kept thinking about & getting weepy over so I really beleive that the traumatic labour was a massive factor in this lack of feeling.

    Dunno, ramble ramble. It's good to write this actually, like therapy or something image

  • Hi Ladies
    It's so very reassuring and comforting that other people had births etc that haunt them, made them feel down, and also that you didn't all get that TV immediate bond! Obviously, I'm saddened that you feel low and struggled with your LOs too, but it's v kind of you to be honest here and has really helped me. So thank you all very much. :\)
    Annieuk I am feeling ok at the mo but do tend to worry about everything and if things go a bit worng some days i can get teary or low, but i need to get some strategies to counter that.
    Sarahlou i know what you mean about not wanting to moan - I felt like that too!
    Hayley l i too would have been happy for someone to have come to the door and just taken Matthew, i feel so bad saying it but that;s how i felt. I'm reassured to know it never stopped you having more children.
    Beebee i too have the 'not bothered' feelings sometimes, esp when he's really grizzly and i don't know why. It also seems that my neighbours make him laugh more than me, which gets me down at times.
    Enough rambling on from me. Thanks again and keep smiling everyone. Maybe we didn't bond straight away but we all love our LOs and are ding our best (Oscar speech LOL!!!) xxxx image
  • Hi Ladies
    Just thought i'd post that i got really upset at clinic yesterday ( no realreason, just everything!) and so my HV came round to day. We talked over the whole birth thing again (and other stuff) and it did help.
    Luckily i have a team of GREAT and very kind HVs here - they've been really supportive. Hope everyone is doing ok.
    Juliette (feeling more image today!)
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