& i'm scared of being questioned in court coz they will make me out to be a liar. He was arrested on sat morning & he admitted coming into my home & also hitting me on friday but has completely denied everything else. He's got court in the morning & he's been at the station since he's been arrested he didnt get bailed. I've had his dad ringing me asking whats happened coz he hasn't been let out so they know its serious. He sounded really upset for me and for his son although i didnt tell him anything..
& i bumped into his sister today (she's 12) & didnt mention anything but he lives with her so she must know he's been arrested. I feel so guilty for the pain i'll be inflicting on her, their parents & my children if i go through with this. Imagine hearing that your son has done these awful things? I dont know if i can do it. I haven't told my mum yet, how do i do that? The only person i have said much to is the police officer dealing with it (he's like a liason officer) i dont know how to do this
hi i read your story and wanted to ask if you had spoken to womens aid a dv support group who provide refuges, support workers and even workers who you can talk to confidentially. their in the phone book at the front. i had 3yrs of dv when i met someone who had a hidden drink problem. (his family all turned out to be alcholics too). as soon as we married i realised as he didnt hide it anymore. then i was pregnant and the physicl and mental abuse started. (sober and drunk- one cause he needed the drink and one cause he was drunk). People knew and ignored it. In the end someone told me id put up with it until eventually id have enough and yes it did get enough. he started blackmailing me in that if i left hed kill himself and kept taking overdoses but not enough to do damage. eventually he kept going in and out of hospital and one day he hit me badly. i hit him back and he went to the police who arrested him under mental health grounds. he then went to hostels etc and did everything to get back and then the court cases started over the two girls. he was so drunk at times one daughter got a head injury after falling outside a bookies and social services wouldnt do anything. he won everytime in court cause the judges and court welfare said he had rights but when after 5yrs things drew to a close he then met someone else and hasnt bothered me since. she and her family knew his and are alike so it hinders him to have the kids. it was just another way to express power over me. this year my 16yr old son started to act in the same manner and after involving police he lives elsewhere cause i cant go through it again. sorry i dont regret it. he knew it was wrong. both have landed on their feet and moved on where we have the scars but please find the strength to get away and phone people who can help. i trust noone but myself and alot of people dont understand why women stay. but you need to put your children and you first. and yes it does effect them even if you dont think they see it.
Thanks for your reply, you sound so strong. I need to be stronger. No, i havent spoken to womens aid. Tbh now i've said so much to my liason officer i really dont want to have to go through it all again with someone else. I've just been getting on with things not thinking about anything & i thought i was ok but now i'm forced to think & i just feel so low. How can i feel so bad & guilty? HE did this to me. And yet all i want to do right now is speak to him. I'm pathetic
hi hun, im glad that you manage to talk to the police. i know that you are feeling low and that you wanna talk to him but you managed to find the strength to say ' i do NOT deserve to be treated this way and i do NOT deserve to be scared in my own home'. you have stared the change that you and you child both needed / wanted. and that can be so hard to do. you should not feel gilty for talking to the police. after all you needed to do that to potect yourself and your son from your ex. your ex needs to be punished for what he has done. remember you have done nothing wrong. and i will (and im sure the other ladies will too) do the best i can to surport you and to help you stay strong. (((((((((((((((((((((((((( big hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). x
you poor poor woman to be going through all of this alone, i know you have had support on here but to not have anyone in the real world must have made this an incredibly difficult situation. BUT you've done it and congratulations, it doesnt matter that its taken you an additional 7mths to find the strength to get there, what matters is you have. i know now you have started the ball rolling all your fears have come back and no doubt multiplied but please please do not back down now. you have done the hardest part, the rest wont be easy but it will all be worth it in the end for both you and your children. Perhaps his sister will be upset but how do you know that this man who can rape his own wife would not do anyhting to his sister. you have a responsibility as hard as it is to protect yourself, your children and all others who could be affected by this mans actions. by backing down all you would do is show this man that you are still vulnerable and he will play on that weakness. if i were you i would talk to your mother, you need someone who will be there for you, she doesn't need to do the hard part of watching you suffer in silence she just needs to be your shoulder to cry on whilst you need to get through this final stage. it really will be worth it. you have great strength and i wish you all the best in the world. i know it may be too late now but i never saw your post before, there is a site which is for people who suffer from abuse of any kind and it really is wonderful, like here you get to chat to people anonymoiusly about whatever and they can really relate to what you are going through
www.safe4all.org
you may find they can give you the extra support you need through this time. i really hope it all goes well for you, good luck and stay strong, i am so pleased you have found your inner strength, hold on to it and make this man pay.
HI you have been so brave but PLEASE tell your mum and let her support you. My children are only young but if they were going through the same thing as you when they are older I would be devestated if they didn't tell me. I was nearly in tears reading what this man has done again letting himself into your house while you are asleep. He is dangerous and needs to be stopped before he kills you both (sorry to be blunt and you may think he is not capable of anything so bad but it only takes one moment of madness and you could both be dead). You have done the hardest thing and PLEASE follow it through although it will be so difficult. That is why you need your mum. Lots of hugs and strength for you xx
I reported my ex to the police for domestic violence and after I did it I did feel guilty but I am glad now in hindsight that I did.
He probably won't go to jail or anything if thats what your worried about but he will probably have a restraining order against him so he can't contact you or go near your house.
Trust me this will be a good thing because it will give you time to get over the hurt you are probably feeling for what might have been and also you will get srtonger with each day that passes I promise you that.
You should not have any contact with his family really either.
Yes he is someones son and at the time I did feel bad for my exs family but he has done wrong and he must be punished.
Well done sweetie, you have done the hardest bit taking the first step and involving the police. Please don't worry about upsetting his family, it is not you that has upset them it is him. I am sure that they would feel worse if they were to find out later that you had never told them what had been going on. You have done the best possible thing to protect yourself and your family, and they have to be your priority. Big Hugs xx
Thanks for all replies. waiting4baby, thanks for that website i hadn't seen that one. Well, he was in court this morning having been charged with assault (for hitting me on fri) My liason officer was there & he told the judges he wanted my ex kept in custody for now for my safety & they agreed! Even though he's denied everything except hitting me. He told them that i had given him the key!! So he has to go to prison for two weeks then face court again & my liason officer is hoping to gather enough ...
Information and/or evidence in that time to be able to charge him with rape when he's at court. He needs me to do the video interview which i'm really scared about! & he's got a record already! Two other women before me have filed things against him, not like mine but assaults involving a knife so that kind of backs me up & makes it less like my word against his if you know what i mean. My boys have been asking for him today. I dont know what to do about letting him see them when/if he gets out.
They absolutely adore him. My 4yr old slept through the whole thing on fri so has no idea that anything has happened & my 2yr old was there obviously but doesnt understand what happened although whenever daddy's name is mentioned he says "daddy, mummy, hit" & rubs my arm. It breaks my heart. KThom122, why do you think i shouldnt be in contact with his family? They only know about fri but they seemed quite supportive. & got quite upset when they said they didnt want their relationship with the kids to change
[Modified by: maisiemoo on July 21, 2008 11:28 PM]
WELL HUN YOU HAVE SOME COURAGE JUST TO PICK THE PHONE UP AND RING THE POLICE, DID YOU GET EXAMINED BY THE POLICE DOCTOR? AS YOU HAVE BEEN RAPED THERE MUST BE YOUR BRUISING TO YOUR LADY BITS AND IF HE EJACULATED INSIDE YOU, THEN YOU HAVE PLENTY OF EVIDENCE!!! JUST REMEMBER HUN, YOU DOING THIS WILL PROTECT OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO HE COULD OF GONE TO EVEN KILL, BY HAVING ARRESTED YOUR PROTECTING YOUR KIDS, IF HE CAN SNAP AND DO THAT TO YOU JUST THINK WHAT HE COULD OF DONE TO THE CHILDREN, NOBODY DESERVES TO GO THROUGH THIS, I HPOE YOU GET JUSTICE FOR HES DONE MAKE SURE YOU GET A RESTRAINING ORDER TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM YOU, YOUR KIDS AND YOUR HOME, YOU NEED CLOSRURE ON THIS NOW, AND YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO GO TO COURT AS ITS A RAPE CASE THEY CAN SET UP A VIDEO LINK FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,
I managed to run out of the house on friday night before he did anything so i havent got any evidence like that. Its been a few months since he actually raped me. They've taken my bed sheets for testing even though they've been washed countless times. I'm still working up to telling my mum but i think she might make me feel worse tbh i just think she'll be so upset that she wont really be able to support me
Check with the officer dealing with the case- in my situation it was to do with evidence- so I didn't tell them anything or they didn't tell me anything that could potentially get in the way of evidence.
I really hope you are okay and keeping strong- you are in my thoughts and prayers xx
Miasiemoo you have absolutely done the right thing, there is no way what he has done can ever be justified... He has abused you in the worse way and you should stay strong and keep going with the case, they can get dna evidence from mattresses nowadays and this may help your rape case. From what you've posted he's abused others with a knife and what he's done to you is horrendous. If you want him to have access to the kids then i think they should be supervised visits as his aggression could one day turn on the kids if they don't do what he wants or comply with his wishes. If he can punch you whilst your holding your baby what else could he do? I know you feel torn as he's the father of your children but their protection is the most important thing along with your safety.
On a practical note, get the locks changed again he may have copied more keys and better to be safe than sorry.
if you have a good relationship with his family then there's no reason you should stop them having access as you've said but they do need to know what he's done (not the kids but his parents).
That's really good news that they are keeping him in untill the court date. Hopefully, as he has a record for assult they will throw the book at him. It's a difficult one deciding what to do about access. If I were you I would tell your lo's that daddy has had to go away for a couple of weeks, untill you know the outcome of the court case, then hopefully you will be in a better position to decide what is best for them. I agree that you definately need to get ALL of your locks changed, just in case. xx
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! I posted back when you first wrote on here so thereS your evidence all these posts are dated you could use it as diary evidence of his abuse. I have recently started to be a volunteer at a rufuge and have chated to lots of women who have experienced DV physical and emotional. abuse its sole destroying and has a massive impact on your child they are the silent victims. No matter how much you try and make excuses this man has been abusing you and your children. You have just made the biggest decision in your life TO STOP THE ABUSE. you have made the right choice for both you and your children. 2-3 women die every week due to domestic violence there is no particular type of victim there is no particular type of perpertrator, doctors, judges, police officers, Ex army are all typical types of controlling bastards!!
Refuge are fantastic they would even protect you until the trial and give you 24 7 support for you and your children. They are lovely places like hotels you are not institutionalised you come and go as you please but you will be SAFE!!! and the programmes you can do will make you a changed women you will realise you dont derserve to be treated this way. You will become very srong and empowered!!! you and your children can live happily and learn to have fun again without living in fear. they will do absolutly anything for you from sorting out money, housing, councelling, but most of all support!! These women have all been through it.
its not a matter of if hes does it again its when this man seems very determind and his behaviour is sickening it brings tears to my eyes who the bloody hell does he think he is.
I know its hard to hear but if hes used weapons to threaten other women he could panic and do it to you or take your children hostage especially as he faces jail.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU PLAN TO GO INTO HIDING ACTR PERFECTLY NORMALY IF YOU HAVE ANY CONTACT PLEASE PLEASE DO THIS UNTIL AFTER THE TRIAL.
YOU WILL BE OK YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK!!!;\)
Do it for your children you really need to be safe until after the trial.
keep in touch and keep posting we can help you through this try sane.org there are some domestic violence support workers on there they will give you all the advice you need. read the post by whitby1!!!!!
ALSO I WOULD EVEN CONSIDER LETTING MY DAUGHTER SEE A FATHER WHO HAD RAPED ME HE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND COULD HARM YOUR CHILDREN HE WOULD NEED TO DO A PERPERTRATOR PROGRAMME TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE REPECT FOR WOMEN FIRST
I managed to tell my mum today. She just cried & said she can't believe i didnt tell her before & that i've been living with this on my own for so long. His parents now know that he has been accused of rape but i really dont think they believe me! Either that or they just dont care. His dad said to me today "yes he should be punished for what happened the other night but the other stuff? He's looking at 10yrs here" apparently my ex has threatened to kill himself. They were crying when they told me that
Replies
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( big hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).
x
if i were you i would talk to your mother, you need someone who will be there for you, she doesn't need to do the hard part of watching you suffer in silence she just needs to be your shoulder to cry on whilst you need to get through this final stage. it really will be worth it. you have great strength and i wish you all the best in the world.
i know it may be too late now but i never saw your post before, there is a site which is for people who suffer from abuse of any kind and it really is wonderful, like here you get to chat to people anonymoiusly about whatever and they can really relate to what you are going through
www.safe4all.org
you may find they can give you the extra support you need through this time. i really hope it all goes well for you, good luck and stay strong, i am so pleased you have found your inner strength, hold on to it and make this man pay.
You have done the hardest thing and PLEASE follow it through although it will be so difficult. That is why you need your mum.
Lots of hugs and strength for you xx
He probably won't go to jail or anything if thats what your worried about but he will probably have a restraining order against him so he can't contact you or go near your house.
Trust me this will be a good thing because it will give you time to get over the hurt you are probably feeling for what might have been and also you will get srtonger with each day that passes I promise you that.
You should not have any contact with his family really either.
Yes he is someones son and at the time I did feel bad for my exs family but he has done wrong and he must be punished.
Big Hugs
xx
[Modified by: maisiemoo on July 21, 2008 11:28 PM]
I really hope you are okay and keeping strong- you are in my thoughts and prayers xx
He has abused you in the worse way and you should stay strong and keep going with the case, they can get dna evidence from mattresses nowadays and this may help your rape case.
From what you've posted he's abused others with a knife and what he's done to you is horrendous.
If you want him to have access to the kids then i think they should be supervised visits as his aggression could one day turn on the kids if they don't do what he wants or comply with his wishes. If he can punch you whilst your holding your baby what else could he do?
I know you feel torn as he's the father of your children but their protection is the most important thing along with your safety.
On a practical note, get the locks changed again he may have copied more keys and better to be safe than sorry.
if you have a good relationship with his family then there's no reason you should stop them having access as you've said but they do need to know what he's done (not the kids but his parents).
Keep us posted and take care....
xx
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
I posted back when you first wrote on here so thereS your evidence all these posts are dated you could use it as diary evidence of his abuse.
I have recently started to be a volunteer at a rufuge and have chated to lots of women who have experienced DV physical and emotional. abuse its sole destroying and has a massive impact on your child they are the silent victims.
No matter how much you try and make excuses this man has been abusing you and your children.
You have just made the biggest decision in your life TO STOP THE ABUSE. you have made the right choice for both you and your children.
2-3 women die every week due to domestic violence there is no particular type of victim there is no particular type of perpertrator, doctors, judges, police officers, Ex army are all typical types of controlling bastards!!
Refuge are fantastic they would even protect you until the trial and give you 24 7 support for you and your children.
They are lovely places like hotels you are not institutionalised you come and go as you please but you will be SAFE!!! and the programmes you can do will make you a changed women you will realise you dont derserve to be treated this way. You will become very srong and empowered!!! you and your children can live happily and learn to have fun again without living in fear.
they will do absolutly anything for you from sorting out money, housing, councelling, but most of all support!! These women have all been through it.
its not a matter of if hes does it again its when this man seems very determind and his behaviour is sickening it brings tears to my eyes who the bloody hell does he think he is.
I know its hard to hear but if hes used weapons to threaten other women he could panic and do it to you or take your children hostage especially as he faces jail.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU PLAN TO GO INTO HIDING ACTR PERFECTLY NORMALY IF YOU HAVE ANY CONTACT PLEASE PLEASE DO THIS UNTIL AFTER THE TRIAL.
YOU WILL BE OK YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK!!!;\)
Do it for your children you really need to be safe until after the trial.
keep in touch and keep posting we can help you through this try sane.org there are some domestic violence support workers on there they will give you all the advice you need. read the post by whitby1!!!!!
ALSO I WOULD EVEN CONSIDER LETTING MY DAUGHTER SEE A FATHER WHO HAD RAPED ME HE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND COULD HARM YOUR CHILDREN HE WOULD NEED TO DO A PERPERTRATOR PROGRAMME TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE REPECT FOR WOMEN FIRST