Forum home Family life & relationships Relationships

domestic violence

135

Replies

  • I feel awful. How dare they make me feel guilty for doing the right thing. I know they'd be devastated if he got convicted or if he managed to hurt himself but i just can't live like this any longer. Got my video interview this week i'm so scared! I'm not sure that what i have to say will be enough for the police to do anything with
  • I forgot to say that the police have already told me that if/when my ex gets out they will change all my locks & fit a panic alarm for me. I dont think i need to go to a refuge & i dont want to disrupt my boys lives like that. And i still have to work too! I cant just up & leave
  • Thank you for that reply charlotten. Thats really interesting for me about your friend. Do you know if she had to pay to go to court & get his parental rights removed? Its definitely something i would consider, especially if he does end up going to prison coz the boys wont know him by the time he got out. I know what your saying about the kind of influence he would be on them but i cant bear it when they ask for him at the mo. I dont know what to about his parents either, should i really stop all contact
  • Can i just say Amen to everything Charlotten said!her friend Karen sounds like a strong woman and is totally doing the right thing by getting him out her life and her childrens...think of them!imo he lost the right to your children when he hit you,abused you,and generally treat you like crap!
    My ex was violent on more than one occassion,and broke into my home whilst i was sleeping to attack me...stupidly i didnt go through with the charges i brought against him,though the Police really wanted me too..he got off scott free and to this day i regret it! !!but the main thing is im rid of him..ok i have a child with him but i have no contact with him,his parents pick my son up from my mums and take him to theirs where my ex sees him,my mum brings my son back!this is the best way!he isnt working and therefore doesnt pay for his son and in my eyes has proven what a waste of time he is!
    Just to add,his family never believed he did any of the things he did,despite seeing the bruises on my face,the smashed window and mess round the house!his dad even said to me one time that i shouldnt of got the Police involved...yet when my ex got hit his family and he couldnt run to the Police quick enough!!!!and even tried to blame me for what happened..saying i organized it!!!!!!People like that make me sick,you would be well out of any contact with his family,dont have to be rude just say that you wont condone what their son did and they shouldnt make excuses for his behaviour.....then dont take their calls ect...you dont need their feelings putting onto you..you have our own to deal with and YOU are the victim(though i hate that word!)here NOT them!!!
    Be strong you have already come so, so far,and it will and does get easier once you have shown you WILL NOT be pushed about and walked over by him or anyone again!your kids will be proud of you!

    [Modified by: sarahlou78 on July 28, 2008 12:09 PM]

  • I have to say that my husband became verbally abusive towards me and eventually our daughter. i upped and left for 3 weeks until he sorted himself out and went back on medication for depression.

    thankfully he is doing well and we are putting our family back togethr.

    however his family made me feel really bad and that i'd over reacted and put him in jepody of being put on registars etc.. and that it wasnt abuse just bullying (and the differance is??)

    try not to have too much contact with his family until your guilty stage has passed and it will soon you will feel angry because of what hes done to you.

    his family will feel sorry for him and he will push all the right buttons to do that.

    he had plenty of opportunitys to get help and stop if he truly was sorry but he choose to carry on and keep assulting you.

    Keep being strong you will be ok, but dont pull out now !!you are the victim just please please stay safe!!!

    make sure thoughs police officers install sufficent devices to prevent him getting in this makes me feel very uncomfortable though i wish you could stay somewhere else so he wont come after you or find you.

    well done for confiding in your mum im sure she feel very helpless but talking will really help.

    The hardest part is over just keep going, you can do it!!!

    Stay safe sweetie!!!;\)

  • I have no advice relating to this, just wanted to say you have strived and done the right thing about this situation, his family disgust me by trying to add guilt to you, you need to protect your family and that is you and your boys, screw his family if my brothers did this sort of thing I would wash my hands no good can come from a person who feels they have the right to make another live in fear I cant imagine how petrified and awful you must have felt, I believe Karma catches us all for wrong doing and he will get his.

    Well done for being so brave and people like you are a beacon of hope to all the ladies who are going through things like this and havent plucked up the courage to take the first steps.

    Take care x
  • hope your ok, this has really struck a cord with everyone we ar all really worried but so pround of you for finally putting a stop to his violence.

    well done again. you are stronger than you think first week will be the hardest.

    keep posting you will get stronger and stronger.

    love and hugs to you all!!:\)

    xxx
  • Hello! im affraid i cant offer any advise to you but just wanted to say how brave you are for standing up to that animal!
    you sound like a fantastic mother!
    Dont let them make you feel guilty about the rapes! How dare they!
    just please please continue to be strong and see it threw and i wish you all the luck in the world for you and your boys future!
    I hope he gets what he deserves!

    love and hugs!
    kiea
    xxx
  • I just wanted to thank you all so much, i'm overwhelmed at the support i have found on here. In the real world i've had a lot of "why didn't you tell me" (my mum) and "why would you put up with it for so long? It doesnt make sense" (his parents) but you guys have been fantastic! I've done my video statement which didn't go as well as i hoped.. These events happened countless times over a 5yr period so my memories aren't all clear & accurate but my liason officer seems to think thats ok & understandable..
  • I should find out in a few days whether they can charge him or not. I've had a message from his 13yr old sister saying she doesnt believe me & if he gets sent down she wont be able to live & i've had his 22yr old sis ringing wanting to meet up so i can "explain" it all to her. This is such a mess, i'm feeling quite harassed actually! I just didnt want this to affect my boys but it already is!
  • Hi i know its late but you really musnt let the guilt trips force you into backing down or think you over reacted they are all in denial because its so close to home and they dont want to except that there son and brother could be capable of such a thing.

    were you able to use any diarys for your evidence as they are dated from jan etc.. i remeber your post so well back in january and as you never replied i honestly thought he'd killed you.

    i found that when i was in the refuge i felt better by turningoff my phone and giving myself a 3 -4 day break i just spoke to my supoort workers and went over things in my own time.i knew i wasnt over reacting.

    my oh sister put me through hell saying id over reacted to goto refuge and that i prob made things worse and get him on some registar ( she didnt have to live with it) i now now i did do the right thing.

    you have taken enough of his abuse, its time for you and your boys to move forward. things will get easier.


    hugs xoxoxoox
  • keep us updated hun!
    xxx
  • i havent spoke to you for ages maisiemoo but you need to tell the police that his sisters are harrasing you as potentially they are intimidating a witness and this could make your case stronger also you dont need the stress , talk to the police shug because if they of capiable of this there capiable of anything and im just thinking bout you and the boys safety,

    it seems his family are a crazy bunch, lets hope hes going down
  • i've just sat and read the whole thread and you seem like an amazingly strong woman, you should take credit for yourself, your doing so well and getting through this, be proud of yourself.
    I expect your statement went better then you may think as the courts and officers sadly would have come accross long running situations like yours and may understand that over such periods of time things become muddled, but no less true.
    I'm keeping my fingers crossed the justice system gives this man what he deserves and keep him where he belongs, out of society, for a very long time.
    You have got a lot to be proud of, you are doing the best thing for you and your children and also you are protecting other women from this vile person.
    You are an inspiration to women, hoping all goes well,
    good luck and best wishes for you and your children in the future to come,

    Kayley xxxx
  • Hi,

    I too have been thinking about you- I hope you are doing ok.

    If his family are still bothering you, you could change your number.

    As someone else has said his family are just burying their heads in the sand- they thought they knew him but need to realise they didn't- they probably won't ever admit to you that he's in the wrong- but you don't need anything from them.

    As for ppl asking why you didn't leave him sooner or tell anyone sooner- its not always that simple- you probably loved him at one point and that doesn't just disappear overnight.

    Forget about other ppls opinions- just concentrate on yourself and your boys for now-coz you three are the most important ppl in this situation.
  • miasie moo

    i agree with kthomas post! You and your boys are the most important people in this situation.

    domestic violence is the worst thing to go through. My mum is still with her husband (my stepdad) who is violent and my childhood memories are full of horrible memories of mum being battered every few years or so.

    she's now got memory probs (not related to the assaults) and admits that she wanted to leave but was too scared to do so when we were young cos she didn't have any family or friends for support, no money and no where to go (20 yrs ago). When i was 10 he hit her and i saw the aftermath i was upstairs and came down when the shouting got quiet to see my mum in a pool of blood, i thought she was dead! She was in hosp for about 3 wks and we (my sis and i) went to visit we'd been staying with my dad and i walked right past her after 3wks her face was so bad. she never pressed charges and went back and over the years he still hit her (never as bad as this time) and now we no longer live at home i'm constantly checking her for bruises and worrying about her. Your boys will not have to go through this.

    keep us posted hun

    xx
  • hi maisiemoo, just wanted to know how you and your boys are doing.x.
  • Hi everyone, thanks for your messages. Well my ex had to appear in court today & was charged with 5 counts of rape (thats how many i could give details & rough dates on) something about using a weapon (can't remember the exact words) he has to appear again in october when he can enter a plea then we will go to court sometime after that. He's also been given a 4 month prison sentence for the assault that he has already admitted to. So basically he wont get out until after the trial & thats only if he's ...

    [Modified by: maisiemoo on August 06, 2008 10:13 PM]

  • Found not guilty. I haven't heard from his parents for over a week but i'm sure they'll be wanting to see the boys soon. I'm really stuck on what to do for my boys. Its one thing for them not to see their dad again, that i can deal with, but how can i take away their whole family? How would i explain that to them? They've got a huge family, cousins, auntys, uncles etc. On my side all they have is my mum & my stepdad
  • I am glad to hear that he has been put away for the meantime anyway. This will give you time to rebuild your life and gain some confidence without having to worry about him lurking around. Believe me if he does get out after the next trial (which I hope he doesn't-he deserves to be in there much longer) you will be much stronger emotionally.

    When my oh had to leave my kids didn't see him or his family for six months and it didn't do them any harm. I personally think you need to concentrate on yourself and your boys for now- his family are the least of your worries.

    It does hurt when the children ask about daddy but I just told them he had to go away for a while and would be back soon- they do eventually stop asking. I would leave his family to it and if they want to see the children then let them contact you. My children are now in contact with all their relatives and they don't even remember there being a time when they didn't see them.

    Move forward with your life now, taking one day at a time and use this chance to make a fresh start for you and your boys.
Sign In or Register to comment.

Featured Discussions