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domestic violence

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  • Thanks kthom, can i ask, do your children see their dad now? Do you see him? I still haven't heard from the family, i thought they would've contacted me after yesterday because his dad was apparently at the court so would have heard the exact charges. I never mentioned the knife to them. I think it would be hard to stop contact with the family, although thats what i'm leaning towards, because we dont live far & would probably bump into them
  • Yes they do- I will be honest with you- after 6 months apart we met up to talk about the kids and I could literally see the change in him. We actually decided to give things another go. We have been back together now for a year and a haf and our relationship is perfect, hes a great husband and a fantastci dad.

    I didn't really want to tell you this part coz what my dh did was TOTALLY different than what you have been through. YES he did push me around but I was just as violent as he was (a lot of the times I would lash out first). We have both totally changed now and are so happy together and our kids are happy too.

    For the six months we were apart his parents/family didn't contact me- they sent the kids Christmas presents tho.

    If I were you I would let it all cool down for a while and if they get in touch to arrange some sort of contact then you can take it from there.
  • well done for staying strong!!! this must seem like a living nightmare for you. but at least you and your children are safe.
    Hopefully he is learning a few lessons. that he cant walk all over you anymore.
    Well done you have proven to him you will not take anymore.

    Love to you and your family
    xoxoxox

    ps. you dont have to make any decesions now on kids seeing htere dad you have to ask yourself.
    1. do you think he deserves to be a father after his violent and indicent behaviour.
    2. He will still be trying to have some control over you.
    3. Dont let the guilt stop you form making choices im sure his family are very ashamed of what hes done give yourself time just for you and you children .
    im sure they will wait for you to be ready none of this is your or your childrens fault.;\)
  • Wow kthom you kept that quiet!! lol. I understand why you didnt mention it before but like you said, your situation was completely different from mine & it sounds like your oh has truly changed & i am really pleased for you. Am i right in thinking you are pg now too? Thought i saw your name in one of the other forums! If so, congratulations! Nikki, thanks so much for all your lovely messages. I know i have plenty of time to make my decisions, the way his family have reacted has really made me think...
  • That is might be best to cut them off completely?! I'm gonna wait & see what happens when they next contact me (as they still haven't but i'm sure they will) I seem to be doing ok at the moment & my boys havent asked for their dad again yet which is good, it gives me time to think about what to tell them

    [Modified by: maisiemoo on August 11, 2008 11:40 PM]

  • Good to see you have been on again- you sound a bit more posative which is good.

    Yes I am pregnant again- I'm 13 weeks and still in shock tbh!!

    Take care and keep us all posted with how you and the boys are keeping

    Sending the three of you big cyber hugs
  • Good to see you have been on again- you sound a bit more posative which is good.

    Yes I am pregnant again- I'm 13 weeks and still in shock tbh!!

    Take care and keep us all posted with how you and the boys are keeping

    Sending the three of you big cyber hugs
  • I was feeling more positive, been having good days and bad days really. Still havent heard from his parents which has really surprised me, thinking maybe they've been told not to contact me?? In a way i'm hoping they haven't coz i'd actually prefer it if this was their decision. At least that way if they do contact me when all this is over i can say "well you havent bothered with the boys in all this time and they're fine without you" etc something like that. Thinking that makes me feel so guilty to my boys
  • Hello again,

    you are beginning to sound more posative which is good. Please stop feeling guilty about all this- I know what you mean that it would be easier if it was their decision not to contact you- why don't you contact the police officer dealing with the case and ask?? That way you would know for sure rather than wondering.

    I know that it was the case in my situation- none of the family were allowed to talk to me (I think its something to do with evidence etc) even his sister.

    Concentrate on the boys and stop blaming yourself for whats happened- you have done them the biggest favour and in time you will realise this I promise. Forget about his family for now and just take each day as it comes to you.

  • Hi I have just been reading your posts and I just wanted to say I think you are an amazingly strong woman and you deserve so much better than what he gave you. I hope you and the boys are ok. xxxx
  • I second what rosapenny has said- I hope you are all keeping well. Thinking about you and you lo's, take care
  • Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all on what's been going on.
    I finally heard from my ex's parents, I came out of work one thursday after two months with no contact to find a voicemail on my mobile, asking if they could have the kids that saturday! Just a completely normal message as if I'd spoken to them the other day! I was furious.
    I did ignore it as I didn't realy know what I wanted to do about it, some much time had passed, my son had started school for goodness sake and they just hadn't been in contact! The next day ex's dad text me saying "if you don't want to speak to us we understand just let us know if we can see the boys this weekend" so I ended up replying with something like, you said you didn't want your relationship with them to be affected but then you don't contact us for 2 months, i don't think it's a good idea they come over
    So he phoned straightaway and started begging me and saying sorry for not being in contact but i hadn't contacted them either!!!! he ended up saying they would give me time and i should contact them when i am ready which i just agreed to as it buys me more time but i really don't know what to do. I've had a couple of texts since then asking if they could have the boys the following weekend but I haven't replied - so much for giving me time! I'm so stuck on this one, I personally don't want to be in contact with them and don't want my boys seeing them, it's been 4 months now and the boys are doing fine, not asking about them or their dad and, most importantly, they are still the happy boys they have always been. I just can't help but feel guilty if I take away some of thier family, even if they're not going to be good influences on them and they are that link to their dad. Then I start to wonder if I am doing it for the right reasons, I've never liked them and their attitudes to things sometimes is just disgusting so maybe my feelings and opinions are clouding my judgement?
    As for my ex, he is still remanded in prison and I have been given a court date for March. He has now been charged with a further 7 rapes on an ex-girlfriend he was with before me which was a huge shock to me, I'd begun to think that it was something about me that made him behave that way but still it doesn't make me feel any better to know that he's done this to others and while I'm so grateful to her for stepping up and fighting this with me, part of me can't help feeling resentment for the fact she didn't do it at the time because that would have prevented it from happening to me but then I guess i wouldn't have my children then
    Well I think that's it for now, I hope you are all well and thank you all so much for all your replies. You have helped me more than you'll ever know. While I have told a few friends and my mum, I've not been able to go into details with them as it's just too hard so really, thank you xx
  • Hi hon, just wanted to say well done for finding the strength to fight this monster. Just think if you hadn't there may have been another girlfriend saying exactly what you just said about you! ie. that they wished you had gone to the police so it hadn't happened to them.

    I think you're very brave. I personally wouldn't want anything to do with his family - too close for comfort and all that. I think I would be thinking more down the road - say he gets out in 6 years for instance - would he be at their house at the same time as your boys in the future? I also think it's a bit much for them to just expect to take them to their house to stay - the boys haven't seen them for so long it would be a bit much for them.

    Also you said about your judgement being cloudd about their attitudes to some things. You are their mum and you have every right to have your judgement clouded when it comes to protecting your children and not allowing them to be around people who behave or have disgusting opinions etc.

    Just my view and I hope you don't mind me jumping in- I only just read your post today.

    Good luck honey and I hope you all have a really great and happy life from now on.xx
  • So good to hear from you hun!! I often check on this forum to see if you have updated anyrthing. Glad you are doing ok, just keep being strong and well done for fighting that animal!! xxx
  • hi ya hun i totally no how u feel i have only just bin rehoused after liveing in a refuge 4 11 months my ex was violent hit me wen i was preg llocked me in the house and other stuff he also tried to abduct my children and threatend me with firearms so the police moved me out the area but the courts been the courts said he cud have supevised contact with the children but the thing is he has found out where i am and has moved down here to try to track me down so the police r looking to put me back in to a refuge but the thing is im with some1else now and am 19 weeks preg and my kids r settled in there schools he shud of been banned from seeing them he was banned from seeing my daughter as he mentaly and physicly abused her and he isnt her dad but the boys still see him through contact center my mom has already told me hes gonna snatch them assoon as he gets the chance but nobody is takeing any notice as the perpitrater is behaveing himself in contact center its a complete joke they go on about dads rights but what about the womans rights the woman who flea domestic violence only to b subjected to more risk of violence as the perpitraters come after them just like mine has and they dont do anything about it its discusting i have panick alarms through the house but that wont stop him i he shud b sent back to where he cum from instead of been allowed to come hundereds of miles to try to hurt me and my kids again.
  • To be honest in your situation I would not feel entirely trustful that when I sent my kids to ex's parents they would come back you know what I mean. It seems sus that they are so desperate and I have a bad feeling about it. if they want to see them insist that they meet you somewhere public like a park or something where you are present too the whole time and they can have time with and play with the kids there. Otherwise I would get a neutral party that you trust extreamly to be there when they see the kids. Honestly my gut does not feel good about this and if you don't want them to see your kids I would keep them away.
  • Hi. I have only just come across this and wanted to say you have done the right thing and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about at all. Go with your instincts. I was in this same situation, many, many years ago. Have you got your own solicitor? You need someone who specialises in this.
    You will get support from women's Aid, also. No man has the right to do this to any woman, and as such should not be allowed near the children.
    And his parents or family have no rights either, from a moral point of view. If you do decide you want them to see your children, then it should be in a controlled enviroment, totally on your terms.
    I was married to an extremly violent alchoholic for 8 years. We had our own, lovely home. I ended up in a refuge at the other end of the country for 9 months before being rehoused by the council in a flat. He never got access due to the violence. His family never believed me.
    To be honest my 4 boys were better off without any of them. I became a much stronger person and just concentrated on bringing up my children on my own. I never had any family support either. It's amazing what you can do when you have to..I could have stayed in the marital home but knew I would always be looking over my shoulder. The police were not that good many years ago. Thankfullly, there is much more help available now. I had been raped many times also. I don't know if you are a council tenant? If so, they can move you. I know you are concerned about the upheaval of change for your children, but as long as you are there, they adjust. At the end of the day as long as you are happy, then they will be too. Just do what you think is right for them and you also. I was totally honest with my boys, when they were growing up and asked questions and they accepted it. I'm not pretending it was all plain sailing over the years, but I did my best and that's all you can do.
    I know you have alot to cope with so get as much support as you can.
    And when things settle your GP can get you councelling if you think it will help you. It's no good to bottle things up or it can affect you later.
    You are at a very raw stage now, but I promise you, things will get better for you and the children. Take care, lots of love. xxx
  • Hi everyone, it's me, i've had to make a new account, it wouldn't let me sign in with my old one. thanks again for all your comments and support, i hope you are all well
    i am going to court next month, i am absolutley dreading it, i'm terrified! there are 3 of us against him now which i guess is a good thing but it makes me wonder if there are any more women out there that he's done this to, and he's only 25!
    i'm having no contact with his family, they sent a couple of texts which i have ignored and i did get a phonecall just before xmas asking if they could drop the boys' presents over but i said no
    i'm feeling quite down at the moment, i think it's just because the trial is getting so close now, i'm also having other probs, my acne has flared up and i've got really itchy legs, so much so i scratch them until they bleed - i have been told this is down to stress??
    dottydeb, i don't have my own solicitor, i was told i don't need one as i am being represented by the CPS. i don't know what women's aid is? to be honest i am quite disappointed in the police as the officer who i was speaking to quite a lot in the beginning has now left and not been properly replaced so i feel like i am not being updated as much, i only found out about this 3rd woman the other day but the charges were brought against him in december!
    i am a council tenent but not sure they would move me while he is inside? although i wouldn't mind being somewhere his family don't know about.
    tinkerbell83, i can't believe your ex has been allowed to see your children, this is one of my worst fears about when all this has ended. i just want him out of our lives completely, the boys rarely speak about him now
  • Hi again. I do feel for you. Womens Aid, is the same as womens refuge. Your local one should be in the phone book, or google it. They can offer tremendous support, and advice. They also have solicitors that help them. I think you should get your own solicitor, you should get legal aid, to cover the costs.For advice on his access to the children. If he go's to prison, you would then have everything in place then, as he will get out one day! Unfortunately! Also, his parents could apply for access to the children, if you don't want this and it's very understandable, why you don't. You would have the law on your side.
    I believe, when violence is involved and proven, the council have a duty to rehouse you, if this is what you want. Or he will know where you are when he does get out. If you have family in another place, you are entitled to live near them, for support. You can contact your local councillor for help and support. Your local town hall will have contact details. The police are often, not much help to the victim. (You and the children), As they are only interested in getting a conviction. I think you need legal advice on what your rights are. And lots of support, so I would urge you to get some. Does your GP know what is going on??
    If not, you should go and see him/her, so there is a record in your notes as to what has gone on. Also, any effects this has all had on the children, should be recorded. Also your GP should be able to get you councelling, if you think it will help you to talk to someone. It's too much to cope with on your own. And your physical problems are due to stress, again you should see your GP about them.
    I hope this is of some help. Keep your chin up. lots of love, Debbie.x
  • Hello, Ive been following your story and i just wanted to wish you all the best.
    I am not in the same sort of position but I had a violent mother and it got so bad i had to tell someone and i remember the different emotions you go through she was taken to court and put in prison for 11years after ever thing she did to me and my brother. i know there are good days and bad but please don't loose hope.
    Best wishes Gemma x

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