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domestic violence

I'm new here and i can't seem to find any topics in the support pages about violent relatonships so felt i needed to start my own as i need to talk about whats been happening to me.
I am no longer in my bad relationship as my boyfriend left me and our two young sons for someone else.
i was devestated at first but have come to realise that he's set me free. it wasn't the kind of violent relationship that you would imagine, he only ever actually punched me once. it was all about sex, shortly before i found out i was pg with our first, i got thrush and sex was quite painful so i didn't want to do it until i'd all cleared up but one night he just jumped on me and forced me. i don't know why i stayed but i did, he was so apologetic after, nearly in tears. i truly beleived it wouldn't happen again.
but it did and then i was pg so didn't want to be alone, wanted us to have a family together. when our son was 3 weeks he forced me again because i'd said i wasn't ready yet, i ended up having to go and suffer the embarressment of having to buy the morning after pill, the pharmacist asked when my last period was and felt like a slut when i said, oh about 10 months ago, i've just had a baby! so it happened every now and then, whenever i didn't feel like having sex. then i fell pg again and got thrush again so it kept happening. then he had an affair and i found out but because i was pg i couldn't leave him. i didn't want to be a single mum before my baby was even born! so another son was born and the same thing happened as last time, had to get morning after pill when he was a few weeks old. by this time i didn't want to have sex at all, ever! he'd put me off, it wasn't something i enjoyed anymore. i gave up fighting but that was a big mistake, he started to use a knife to threaten me with, to make me consent to having sex with him. i was terrified of getting into bed with him in case he had that knife. eventually he met this other girl and left but it's not ended. he came into my house in the middle of the night and came into my room with a knife and made me have sex with him. god knows how he got in, all the locks have been changed. he tells me if i don't let him come over and have sex with me then he'll keep breaking in and doing that. i don't know what to do, i have no proof that he's ever done anything. if i tell the police, nothing will come of it and it will just anger him. i'm terrified of him


  • hi hun, you really need to talk to someone about what is happening for your safety and your two boys. have you any friends or family who could move in with you?. can you talk to your health visitor coz they would have loads more help and advise thy could give you. im sorry that i cant be of any more help but if you need to talk im here. please, please dont let him carry on hurting you.
  • I agree with faeriestar, you have to find someone that you can talk to that will be able to help you. What he has done is tottaly wrong and utterly illegal, don't assume that the police won't be able to do anything. It may be your word against his but it is possible if nothing else that you may be able to take out a restraining order so that if he comes near you he will automatically be arrested.
    If there is no one else you can talk to there is a 24 hour support service provided by womens aid, the phone number is 0808 2000 247. I know you must be terrified but you owe it to yourself and your little ones to keep this horrible violent bully away. Sorry that I can't provide any more useful advice but like faeriestar I am always here if you need to talk.
    Take care
  • Maisiemoo- you must not tolerate this bully anymore.He is a risk to you, your children and every other woman out there.
    please please go and talk to either womens aid, your local refuge or the police and they will support you to make sure you can protect yourself in future.
    You say there is no evidence but your word is evidence enough and if he ever forces you again you would have the physical evidence too to prosecute and get him locked up.
    I know it is scary and many women are too frightened of the consequences but really how much worse can it get - he is raping you and nobody has to put up with that.

    I am sending you special hugs and really hope you find the strength to act.

  • Firstly, you have taken the hardest step by talking about it so well done you. You must go to the police who have especially trained policewomen who can support you. If you tell them what has already happened they will be able to record it and if he gets in again and you phone them they will be aware of what has happened and will hopefully get there quickly. You are already terrified of him and you and your children are in danger so it can't be any worse having police support. They will have dealt with similar situations. Some areas will install panic buttons in houses where there is domestic violence. Do contact the DV support line and move to a safe house if necessary. You are really brave and do not deserve to be treated like that by anyone. Please also confide in any friends or family. We are all here for you xx
  • I am so sorry for you I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling rigth now but it was brave of you to come on here and ask for help- that is your first step.

    Please listen to the advice given on here by the others and get help- you can't stay in that house alone knowing that he can get in- you need to go to another family member or friend for help- if you feel there is noone you can talk to then you need to go to womans aid.

    You may be afraid but please do this for your children he could seriously harm or even kill you leaving your wee ones without a mummy. Do not see this as him forcing you to have sex- he is raping you and using a dangerous weapon to do so. He can't be allowed to get away with this act now before its too late.

    Please keep in touch somehow and let us know how you are- I pray that God will protect you and your boys xx
  • Hi i felt sick when i read your post and i just couldnt go away without replying,im now well out of a relationship that had turned violent on more than one occasion,the last time being when my ex broke his way in to my home whilst i was sleeping and attacked me,head butting me and threatening to get a knife from downstairs,he even tried to have sex with me whilst at the same time telling me how he had slept with someone else earlier that night!he didnt force me or take it any further and i managed to get out the house before anything else happened and im thankful to this day i did!looking back now without all the feelings i still had for him nearer the time(crazy i know!)i can breathe a huge sigh that im not with him he became a messed up nasty person who put me down and tried to make me believe he would change and the only reason he acted the way he did was because i drove him to do it!please please do not let this carry on,he is raping you,the mother of his children,what kind of monster does that?go to the police who will help you,get someone to stay with you if you mother stayed over afew nights after my ex broke in and i know what its like to go to bed terrified,and waking at every little noise thinking its them!i still do sometimes even now!im in the very early days of a new relationship and refuse to let what happened between me and the ex get to me!i just urge you to get help dont suffer in silence and you deserve someone who does not rape and terrify his babies mother!im disgusted at what i have read and so so sorry for you.
  • Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I know I must do something but it's just taking that step that's so hard. I don't want the world to know, I worry what people will think of me. And I worry what his family will say and how the kids will feel about it when they are older. I never had a proper father figure and I think that's really effected me, how can I purposely do that to my own children? He's never harmed them or anything. I think he's put it into my head that I won't be believed and when I think about everything I have been through, I don't even cry anymore it's like I'm numb to it all and I worry that will make me less believable. I don't have anyone who can stay, I have few friends as they don't have kids yet so we drifted apart and my mum would just make herself ill and find a way of blaming herself if I told her.
    Thanks again for all your comments, I am thinking about going for help
  • I have been in a situation quite similar to yours and you MUST do something. I know exactly what you mean about worrying what other people think- I thot that as long as everything looked ok on the outside then that was a good thing but I can assure you thats not the case.

    I was a young mum with two kids and my oh and I had just bought a beautiful 3 bed semi in a good area. We both had reasonably good jobs and were well enough off- so from the outside picture perfect. But behind closed doors all we did was argue and fight. Neither of us were happy and our kids were suffering.

    I also know how you feel about not wanting to worry your mum but I can assure you that if she knows you at all she will already have an idea about whats going on- shes just waiting for you to come to her when you are ready. Again I speak from experience- my mum knew all along some of what was going on but didn't know how to talk to me about it.

    This guy hasn't harmed your kids YET but to me he sounds a bit mad tbh and I definately wouldn't trust him. How on earth would feel if he did hurt your kids- even accidently or if they walked in to find him raping you at knifepoint. I'm sorry maisiemoo but you are the one responsible for keeping those children safe and protecting them and the only way to do this is to stop this from happening one way or another- when I finally contacted the police about what was happening to me I didn't do it for me- I still loved my husband regardless- I did it for my two children because they had seen and heard enough.

    Thankfully now over a year later my kids are well adjusted and happy but deep down I know that if they had continued to watch what was happening it would have just got more and more violent and therefore would have had even more impact on them. You are not harming your kids by taking them out of this situation you will be doing them the biggest favour of their lives
  • Sweetie, this man will never be a proper father figure for your children. I know you want to protect your children and do the best you can for them but what happens when they are old enough to understand what is happening? Just because he hasn't hurt them yet doesn't mean he won't, what would happen if they tried to protect you from him when they are older? I am really glad that you are thinking of gettting help, the phone number on my last post is for a confidential help line staffed by people who hear these stories all the time so please don't worry about them thinking badly of you. However few friends you have you are really not alone, we may not be able to provide a place for you to stay but we are all here if you need to talk.
    Take care
  • I'm sorry maisiemoo but you are the one responsible for keeping those children safe and protecting them and the only way to do this is to stop this from happening one way or another

    I think this is absolutely right. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, it matters that your children grow up safe and that their mummy is happy and healthy. Please, please go and get help.

    Practically speaking, it might be worth making a note of all the times and ways he has ever hurt you or threatened you so that you go to the police with it all straight in your head and so that they have something to work with. Writing it all down might also allow you to feel anger and give you the strength to take action.

    Good, good luck and tons and tons of strength.
  • i'm sorry 2 read your story and i really feel for you but i have to say thats rape in my eyes and nobody ever deserves that,you owe him nothing,but you owe your kids everything,get onto the police,they have ppl trained to deal with situations like yours,never think your alone bacause theres always someone to help and listen to,nobody will think any less of you,be strong,for the kids you'l be doing them a favour,you think they dont no or see but they always no more than you think,good luck
  • Nobody has been hurt yet! But dont wait any longer before someone does. Your kids can get hurt Emotionally by this not only physically so pls go talk to d police for them.
  • Hi only just discovered you guys and wish i'd found you when i first had my daughter.
    maisemoo you really need to seek help this is disgraceful behaviour and this man is committing a very serious crime which he would be punished for. we are all here to support you but you really must get professional help. the police are there to protect you and yopur family!! please please get help you and your children deserve a safe and happy life. this man sounds very dangerous and just because you know him doesnt make it acceptable. just tell yourself you deserve better. he is breaking into your home, forcing you to have sex at knife point that is a crime without a doubt. HE MUST BE STOPPED!!!!!
  • Hi Maiseemoo. I'm so sorry to read your story.

    You have avoided using the word rape in your account but I'm afraid that's what your ex has been doing to you. I think we sometimes try to protect ourselves by not accepting the full horror of what has happened.

    Please, please go to the police. It's so important to get these things recorded now even if you don't want to press charges at the moment. I hope you've seen the last of him but if anything worse happens in the future, you will be so glad you have these incidents logged.

    The police can help. I was in a violent relationship as a teenager - albeit a brief one. When I went to the police he threatened to kill me but i knew I was doing the right thing and an injunction was slapped on the guy. He still stalked me for a while but eventually lost interest.

    The fact that your ex has already stepped up his attacks by brekaing into your house and using a knife shows that things could get worse still.

    Please get help honey. Domestic violence is horribly common and it's so important that you go to the police as soon as you can.

    Much love,

    Jo x
  • Dear maisiemoo,

    Firstly I'd just like to say that you have been really brave sharing your story which must have taken some courage. What has been happening to you is absolutely terrible and this man needs to be stopped asap.

    I grew up in a violent household though not with my own Dad but with my mums boyfriend. It was absolutely terrifying and still now if I hear certain noises in the house it brings all those memories flooding back.

    My dad was also a violent and vicious man, though now he's in his 60's he's calmed down and we do have a relationship. When I was younger I was always scared what he'd do to his girlfriend and even though they were discreet about things I knew that being in their house was dangerous. No matter how much you think you can hide things from kids, you can't, and they feel your fear with you whether you say anything or not.

    One of the problems I had to deal with was understanding why my mother never protected us from either my father or her boyfriend and it took years to forgive her and fully understand how awful and terrifying things were for her also. I know that sounds really selfish but once I became a mum I just couldn't understand how my mum let us experience all those horrific scenes (including her being raped and beaten and having her face smashed through a car window among other things). Every member of my family had to become a survivor of that period of time and we couldn't really be children. Another thing I had to deal with was the fact that I loved my dad but hated him at the same time for the way he'd treated his girlfriend and my mum before that. I had no respect for him or men in general by the time I grew up and thought that all men used and abused women. I'd hate for any child to experience even half of what we went through as children and that includes your kids.

    Eventually my mum became a single parent and I have to say it was the happiest part of childhood for me and my sisters. I was safe and secure and could finally live without fear like all children should.

    If you had a little girl, or a friend that was going through your situation what advice would you give to them? You'd tell them to make themselves and their children safe right? What if one day your oh decides to use the knife instead of just threatening you? What if your sons grow up and imitate their father's behaviour or even get hurt trying to defend you?
    I'm so so worried about you. If there is anything I can do to help you please let me know. My thoughts and prayers are with you in the meantime. I really hope you manage to find the strength for you and your childrens sake to escape this monster.

    Much love,


    [Modified by: Mrs Rebeccag on January 14, 2008 02:53 PM]
  • well i'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said... i know it's an extremely difficult thing to have to do (telling police) but imagine once it's over he won't be able to come near you ever again and you and l/o's will be safe from harm! god knows how he treats his girlfriend and any other women he comes in contact with!!?? he is raping you, he's extremely dangerous, he needs the consequences that are coming to him!!!
    be brave and get help hun xx.
  • Maisiemoo you poor woman, i really feel for you. I know he is the father of your children but at the end of the day he has raped you, and broken into your home, you should call the police let him know he cant treat you like this.
    I filed a complaint with the police yrs ago over a violent ex who was still violent towards me after we split but i had to go to the police the last tim,e to show him he couldnt walk all over me and i wasnt afraid of him anymore, he's not laid a hand on me since. He was never charged but they gave me a crime number if he started again i just had to call give them the reference number and they'd arrest him.
    Thankfully I was never raped so i cant imagine how you're feeling but its all about them feeling power over you and you have got to take that power away from him.

    please seek help. You may need to see a counsellor too for support

  • So its been about 7 months since i started this post but i hadn't done anything about it all until now. On friday night he came into my home again & into my bedroom (i was asleep) he woke me up telling me to go to the living room to talk to him as my 2yr old was in bed with me. I managed to pinch my son under the covers to wake him as i know my ex would never hurt him & i felt safer with his awake (pathetic i know) Anyway ex told me to get baby to sleep then join him in the living room for this "talk"...
  • So instead of trying to get lo to sleep i made him wake up properly then carried him to the living room & said he was too awake to go back to sleep yet. Basically ex and i argued he revealed that he'd had a key to my back door all this time which i never knew! He'd managed to find my spare keys & swap my key with a random one he had! He was telling me to put lo to bed coz he wanted sex but i managed to get out the front door & i shouted in that i would knock on my neighbours door if he didnt leave so he...
  • Left straight away. I asked for my key which he put in my hand & then punched my arm really hard (i'm still holding our son) then he walked off & i ran inside shut the door &.. I RANG THE POLICE. I told them everything, i broke down, it was horrible re-living it all. I know you're all gonna say well done but i feel like shit, i'm really regretting it. Nothing will ever be the same again. The police want me to do a video interview etc but the abuse went on for so many years its all jumbled up in my mind...
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