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im not bonding with my daughter

hi, im heather and had a baby girl, emily 12 days ago.

i love her to pieces but sometimes i feel really cold to her and i dont know why.
i dont know if i should tell anyone, i dont exactly know how i feel.

i had probs breastfeeding at first and switched to formula in the end.

can anyone offer advice?


  • hi, becoming a mum is such a shock to the system im sure your HV will probably say its baby blues. Im sure you just need to relax a bit and try and enjoy her dont beat yourself up over the breastfeeding i did it for 51/2 months but hated every moment.
    You've only known your daughter for 12 days give your self time. have a bath together, some real baby time as a family or by yourself. the best thing i did was join a first time mums group at my local health centre i met lots of mums all going through the same thing they became friends that was 3 years ago now ive got some fantastic friends and all the babies who are now 3 go to dance class together and did their first show yesterday. ther're not babies for long so dont panic you will have a life back and sleep will get better eventually. i dont know if that helped.
    good luck!!!

    Ps. use your health visitor she is there to support you at this delicate stage!!!
  • Hi heather,

    I felt the same between days 5 and 14 of having my baby. It tends to be baby blues but just see how you feel over the next few days. If it carries on then you should definatley speak to your hv. Can you not confide in your oh? My oh just didn't know what to do - I would burst into tears and just be so annoyed with my lo as she was being sick frequently. It was just sleep deprevation mixed with my hormones I think. He was brilliant and took her off me for an hour or so after feeding to give me a break. My sister was on hand too to help. Don't be afraid to ask for help - you aren't superwoman.

    Let us know how you are doing - hopefully things will get better. You are doing great!!

  • Hi,

    not everyone feels an instant bond with their child so try not to dwell on this too much. I bonded immediately with both my boys but with my daughter (she is the middle child) I can honestly say I didn't properly bond until she was over 2. I really wanted a girl so I found it hard to understand why but I just went on from day to day. I still loved her as I am sure you do your daughter I just didn't feel the bond that I felt I should.

    My daughter is now almost 4 and she is my world- we are very close and she knows nothing of how I felt when she was a baby so give it time and it will eniviatably (sp) develop.

    Do be aware though that this can be a sign of pnd so if you find you have any other symptoms see your gp asap. Don't be afraid to admit how you are feeling because professionals have heard it all before- I think most ppl (myself included) put on a brave face for others coz we all have this view that our baby may be taken away that will not happen just because you aren't bonding
  • hi hunny, it took me months to bond with my son as he looked so much like his dad [who was a wanker to me and to my boy when i was 2 months pg with him] and at the time i felt horrible because how is it my sons fault he looks like his dad? i struggled to breastfeed, i gave up, i was 18, living on my own, struggling with the adjusment as i watched all my friends go off to university without me...

    dont put pressure on yourself. it will come naturally, eventually. trust me. my son is now my world, my number 1 and now hes older hes actually my double in personality, he has my lips but everything else is his dad, but it now makes no difference to me.

    if youre having a tough time with other things outside your baby, ie money worries, job worries, relationship problems etc etc, i really do believe it effects how you bond with your baby and when, but please dont feel like you are horrible or beat yourself up.

    try and make sure you get an hour to yourself every day. getting that 'me' time back really helped me to bond with my boy.

    hang in there hunny, keep posting.
  • thanks to all of you.

    ive spoken to my oh, dont feel like he understands, but hes trying.
    i always hold my daughter and bottle feed her, so im close to her. i do feel a lot better but i still have this horrible feeling of not wanting her around. i do, i love her so much but i just cant get rid of that feeling.
    i havnt actually had a cry though since i posted this so thats good!
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