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[u][b] Bereavement forum now added on the list of

Just wanted to highlight to everyone that there is now a forum for bereavement in the main forum list.



Hi ladies

I was just wondering about whether I should suggest a forum for child/baby bereavement. Having lost a child myself, I know how difficult it is and I don't have that many people to talk to about it that completely understand what I'm going through.

I didn't want to go ahead and ask the web ed to set one up though if it was going to be one of these forums that's so slow moving because it rarely gets used, so wanted to run it by some of you ladies.

Thankfully, we of course are in the minority on here, so didn't know whether it would be practical or not?

So, in essence- do you think it's a good idea and secondly, would you use it regularly?

Thanks ladies - and peace to all of us who have lost litte ones.xx

[Modified by: karen130770 on 16 January 2009 10:43:16 ]
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Replies

  • hi Karen

    i read a post on the C/S forum of a girl who lost her baby earlier on this year, and i told her there was one for stillbirths, neonatal loss etc, but when i looked, i realised there wasnt. i was really suprised, as i would have thought that girls who are in the situation may need to talk to others that were involved in similar circumstances.

    it is very difficult sometimes to be able to talk with someone who has no idea - i know that you have been brilliant with some of the girls who's babies have become angels this year, so i agree that you should put forward the idea to the webmaster.

    i can always give any support from my job perspective any time at all if needed too.


    [Modified by: ollier2001 on December 03, 2008 09:57 AM]

  • hi Glitterstargirl!

    i'm a midwife (have been for 11 yrs), and i read -and left- you posts when Sienna became an angel. although I dont see mum's like you so far down the line, i've looked after girls & family when their babies dont make it through pregnancy, or the first few days.

    i read one of your posts the other day, so i know you are still here, and i think about you and Sienna frequently! i hope you are getting along not too bad!

    xxxxxxxxxx
  • Hi girls, well seeing as it looks as though it would just be the three of us, don't think there's going to be much demand!

    Maybe we could keep this thread going so we know we can come here if there's stuff that may not be as appropriate on the main forums? I know I'm hesitant to write things sometimes because it's a bit too sensitive,

    I'm finding it a bit hard at the mo cos I think Im getting to the point where I probably need to speak about Kayles' death. Im fine talking about her life etc but Ive not once talked about her dying and my feelings around that. Not even sure where to go to be honest, but Im suffering some really horrible symptoms of almost post traumatic stress. Not sure if this makes sense?xx
  • oh Karen!

    i never got to your website at the time as i was too upset about little Sienna, and then i couldnt find the post again, but Tommysmum told me a little bit of what happened to her. (we weren't gossiping, please dont think that, i just mentioned that we were getting a good following of our slatteries meets, and that if you lived here you'd come etc...)

    i think you have been a pillar of strength to a number of girls, and it is no wonder that this is now catching up with you. i think when you need to talk, you should, and i do think that many people don't know how to talk about children dying - they are supposed to outlive us, aren't they?!

    do you know of anyone who you can chat with about Kayles death? maybe someone totally impartial, who you dont know at all? would you be better going on your own, or with other family members?

    were you ever put in touch with anyone when it happened?

    hopefully you will be able to speak with someone soon - i'm not sure if i will be of any use to you, but if you think i could, then let me know

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Ollier, I know who I can trust on here and Lee is one of those people (along with you now!) so I would never think you were gossiping for no good reason hon.

    Not sure who I could chat to - I couldn't go with family members, definitely on my own. I didn't really get any aftercare in my community as things were not really established with the Palliative care team at the time and I slipped through the net as it were.

    I did go to Cruse a couple of times, but as nice as the lady was, I just didn't gel with her and actually resented her as I felt a real imbalance - she hadn't lost a child and I didn't know anything about her. I don't know why that was such an issue at the time but it was! Think I'm also one of like's copers - you know the type that just get on with things - I don't particularly bother anyone with what I'm feeling and so people assume that I'm ok.

    I was also a member of TCF and this is going to sound awful, but it really depressed me! It seemed to be full of people who were still in those very first stages of grief and didn't seem to be able to move on at all. I know I've tried to bypass the whole grief thing, which is why I'm here now, but I don't feel that I need to 'pound the grave' sort of thing anymore. Not sure if that makes any sense - but I'm don't feel guilty if I laugh, or enjoy my life as I know I have an obligation to my daughter to live life good - that's what she was all about. To some grieving people though, they seem to not do that and feel like they've got to mourn 24/7. Does this make any sense at all - I know what I'm trying to say but I'm a bit rubbish at getting it out!

    Thank you Ollier for responding and just for being there - it means a lot that a complete stranger would do that.xx
  • Hiya hon, I'll email you later tonight when I've got some peace from these littlies.

    Thanks for being there - don't really want to offload on you though, you're so new to all this crap.

    My doctor now isn't too bad, he's done fbc and wants me to go for ECG just to rule out anything organic, but so far nothing. I'm putting off going for the ECG as I have a bit of a hard time going to hospitals for obvious reasons and these panic attacks make it really hard aswell, along with the fact I have no one to watch Reiss so he'd have to come with me! The first GP I went to see told me that my migraines were because I was stressed, so I should go home and relax and drink plenty of water! I was crying my eyes out, desperate for something to be done, and he watched me walk out of there saying there was nothing he could do. What arses some of these GPs are. They really have no idea.

    Have you tried TCF? I think it's a sort of horses for courses thing - it wasn't right for me, although the forum helped me during the first few months, so might be worth a go? xx
  • you know something, girls? your GP's are absolute pillocks!!

    to say it is migraine and drink loads of water?!! - it probably was, but maybe he should have looked at why?!!!! does he not think with everything that has happened to you could have caused it?!! can he refer you to another health centre for the ECG? some do do this if yours doesnt, to save you going back to hospital? it is no wonder you get stressed going there, and having Reiss around wont help! as for the other - why the hell can he not refer you to a counsellor? that is his job for gods sake!

    Glitterstargirl, has anyone told you about SANDS? as Sienna was still so tiny, you could go to one of those meetings - if you wanted too- if you contact SCBU where Sienna was, they should be able to tell you where / when etc. as SANDS is usually other mums in the same situation, you may find it helpful.

    Karen, i'm sorry, but i really dont know the services available so far down the line for you - you have suggested everything i have heard of, and i feel bad that none of them have been of any use. i can also understand the counsellor you didnt gel with - how can she possibly understand? but, with her, maybe her experience etc could eventually make things more logical? (not sure that is the word i want really, but couldnt think of the one that would make sense!)

    i think that people very often say that you are coping so well, as really, they dont know what to say to you - of course they are scared of upsetting you, thinking that you will cry on them, when sometimes all you want is that shoulder to cry on. your other children give you the strength to go on, and you know that you can do, but it doesnt fill that gaping hole that has been left, does it?

    everyone copes in different ways, and sometimes, if you can, talking is the best way - sometimes it is just that ear that is needed.

    sending you both loads of hugs, and that ear if needed.......

    love to you both!

    xxxxxxxxx
  • oh i think it would be really helpful too
    dont forget me..
    im a bit in between atm but eventually il get back on here more.. and then id use it
  • Hi Kay, will be good to see you back on here aswell!

    Have a great day with your little man! Speak soon.xx

    In the meantime, seeing as there are more than two of us, I'll make a request to the webed.xx
  • hi girls,

    just a quick one to say i'm thinking of all of you and your little angels this Christmas - i know it is gonna be so hard for you all.

    i really, really hope it turns out better for you than you think it was going to!

    Love to you all

    nicki

    xxxxxxxx
  • Hi Nicki

    The day was actually ok, was so busy I didn't really get time to sit and think anyway. I did enjoy it (apart from the fact I was about ready to throttle my very over-excited, over-tired and hence extremely naughty 5 year old) and it was lovely to have my OHs relatives over. So, one day over, a few more to get through for me....

    Girls, hope you were both ok and also survived what was your first Christmas without your precious baby girls.

    Much love and thanks again to Nicki for your support.xx
  • I think the idea of a forum is great.
    I gave birth to twins on 15th November 2008, at 28 weeks and 4 days. I lost Joel on the 18th November aged 3 and a half days and then this identical brotehr who seemed to be doing fabulous and doctors said he was doing great caught a stomach infection, leading to peritonitus which poisoned his system and he died on 12 December aged 3 weeks and 6 days. I live in Spain close to my mum and dad but other than them and other close family there is no one to really talk to. My boys would have been 6 weeks old last Saturday.
    xxCarly xx
  • hi Carly,

    i am so sorry to hear that your gorgeous twin boys didnt make it. It must be such a shocking time for you at the moment with everything you have been through. Just to let you know i'm thinking of you, xxx

    What was Joel's brother called? do they think that it was just due to the problems of prematurity?

    has there been any help in Spain like we have in the UK for you?are they able to go through why it all happened - why you had them early (if you're not fully sure etc), and just why the babies didnt make it, and why they couldnt help anymore than they did? i've posted the link below for SANDS which could be of some help, but i suppose you may have already found this?

    http://www.uk-sands.org/

    xxx


  • Hi Carly

    So so sorry you've had reason to join us here. It is still such early days for you that you must still be in shock wondering what on earth's happened to your family. I really feel for you.

    Like Ollier says, I hope that you have support in Spain. I know Sands is a very well recognised support system for parents who have lost such little ones as yourself.

    I check in here most days and please feel free to email me if you need to chat. There are a couple of ladies on here who have lost babies in neo natal aswell.

    Big hugs to you and your family.

    Karenxx
  • hiya...
    i also think the forum would be a good idea... i lost my little boy at 38weeks, 4 weeks ago.. and i would like to talk to people who has been through it aswell. because my feelings are so mixed up. xxxx
  • Nikki, I remember your post from 4 weeks ago.

    I am so so sorry for the horrible loss of your little boy. I haven't been through what you have as I lost my daughter later on in life and I can only imagine what a terrible time you have had.

    I'm sending you massive big hugs.

    I know Ollier has far more experience in being with mums in this situation so I'll let her take over.

    Much love to you and your oh honey.xx

    Update on the forum, I've bumped the post up and asked the webed for feedback as I've had no reply as yet. Just want to know if it's going to happen, even if we've got to wait for it so I can let you all know. Perhaps if any of you are able, go to the website suggestions forum and add your voice.

    Hugs to all mummies missing their babies right now.xx

    [Modified by: karen130770 on January 01, 2009 08:44 PM]

  • Hi Nikki

    like Karen, i also remember your post and posted on there for you.

    as Karen says, i may be of some use to you- maybe more so from what happened, why etc (see above posts on here) , and if you want at anytime, feel free to email thru' the link - i'll get back to you as soon as i can.

    i hope everything went as well as you could expect physically for you, and i hope that you doing as well as you can. what did you call your little man?

    sending loads of love to you

    love Nicki

    xxxxxxxxx
  • Hi ladies,

    I've struggled to get onto BE recently (due to xmas etc) but I've been trying to catch up a bit tonight and have been left in tears by wht I have read.

    I am a police officer and, sadly, I regularly deal with death and bereavement. I have never lost a child (and wish to stay that way) but I'm an impartial shoulder to lean on if you need one and, although I may not always have 'the answers' I can listen.

    Please feel free to email me via my link on BE...xxx

    Karen
  • I have only miscarried a baby 18-19 weeks through my pregnancy 7 years ago. That tore me aprat enough without loosing a child that I spent time with a got to know and got used to the sound of. I think I would die if one of my children suddenly wasn't there, fighting with each other and getting on my nerves. I must say loosing a baby made me appreciate them alot more. You are amazing people and I know I don't entirely understand how you feel but I am willing to listen aswell.
  • Hi ladies

    Well, I just about survived the anniversaries over the 'festive' season. Kayles birthday was 28th Dec and she died on 4th Jan. I have such awful haunting memories of her last Christmas/New Year and it always seems to replay at this time of year.

    I've been really bad this year for some reason, but as I say, I survived, I'm still here!

    As for the 4th, I went to a spa with one of the nurses who was friends with Kayles and who has stayed in touch with me as it was her 30th, so although it was a lovely day (well it would have been if my car didn't break down when I got there and I had to spend half my time on the phone to the AA/towtrucks etc!) I was with a couple of people who knew Kayles aswell, so her memory was kept alive.

    It's just so hard at times but you get through it.

    Thanks Karen for your support - I would imagine you are more used to dealing with cot deaths and rta's etc than terminal illnesses and babies that have died in hospital, but I'm sure there are probably ladies on here who may be in that situation.

    Libranaster, again, thanks for the offer of support. Dying isn't an option when your child dies, no matter how much it hurts though, like I said, you survive - some days better than others!

    How's everyone else doing? Is anyone else around? Still haven't had a response from Webed re the forum.xx
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