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want to leave (sorry, v rambling)
Hi,
i just dont kno what to do. I recently got married and gave birth just over a month ago but i feel like escaping my marriage already, all because of the in laws!
My oh's parents are just so interfering! they comment on everything i do ('have you winded the baby? are you looking after her? 'is she wearing enough clothes?'' don't pick her up like that' ' she should be feeding more' you've done this wrong etc etc) and ask a milllion questions of me all the time...all they do is bark questions and orders at me. OH has always been really close to them and doesn't see anything wrong with this but i have always been very independent (my parents live 300 miles away) and feel so suffocated and swamped!
me and oh have spoken about this so many times, and although he has limited the amount of times they 'pop round' to see us at my request, he thinks i should just get over my issues with them and let their comments wash over me! He really doesn't mind how they are and i feel like i am ruining our marriage and his relationship with his parents by going on and on about his parents and how i dislike how they are, but i cannot help it. i just feel so crowded by them and their comments.
yesterday, while we were at his mums, his mum had been cuddling the baby for half an hour and then had to go upstairs to get something so she passed the baby back to me, went upstairs and then came down a minute later and said 'pass the baby back to me' and just grabbed her out of my arms before i could say i'm just having a cuddle for a minute!! OH just sat there.
they are like flies round sh*t around the baby and fire questions and me constantly, and oh never says to them to back off. And then today he told me that his parents are going to be looking after the baby when i go back to work as we cannot afford nursery (we had agreed on using a nursery when i was pregnant!). i really dont want that but is appears they have decided already between them what will happen.
I LOVE my husband so much, but i cannot live my life this way. it's getting me down so much as was doing so before the baby was born too. He says he has asked enough of his parents (he did ask then to not interfere, but they still do) and cannot ask them to change anymore. I just want to get way from them.
I feel so awful. feel like packing the bags and taking the baby and going to stay with my family down south as cannot take them anymore. but i don't want to leave my husband or deprive him of his daughter, or deprive the baby of her father, but cannot live under his parent's thumb anymore.
I'm also worried as his parents are rich so u worry that if i leave they will hire a lawyer and make sure oh gets custody of the baby rather then me. despite the fact that their beloved son smokes weed everyday they still would make sure that kept the baby rather than me!
i've tried sand tried talking to my husband and it'ds cuased so much tension between us and i keep saying that i will try ot get on with them, but i just can't! they interfer so much they make me want to escape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please, does anyone have any advice?
i just dont kno what to do. I recently got married and gave birth just over a month ago but i feel like escaping my marriage already, all because of the in laws!
My oh's parents are just so interfering! they comment on everything i do ('have you winded the baby? are you looking after her? 'is she wearing enough clothes?'' don't pick her up like that' ' she should be feeding more' you've done this wrong etc etc) and ask a milllion questions of me all the time...all they do is bark questions and orders at me. OH has always been really close to them and doesn't see anything wrong with this but i have always been very independent (my parents live 300 miles away) and feel so suffocated and swamped!
me and oh have spoken about this so many times, and although he has limited the amount of times they 'pop round' to see us at my request, he thinks i should just get over my issues with them and let their comments wash over me! He really doesn't mind how they are and i feel like i am ruining our marriage and his relationship with his parents by going on and on about his parents and how i dislike how they are, but i cannot help it. i just feel so crowded by them and their comments.
yesterday, while we were at his mums, his mum had been cuddling the baby for half an hour and then had to go upstairs to get something so she passed the baby back to me, went upstairs and then came down a minute later and said 'pass the baby back to me' and just grabbed her out of my arms before i could say i'm just having a cuddle for a minute!! OH just sat there.
they are like flies round sh*t around the baby and fire questions and me constantly, and oh never says to them to back off. And then today he told me that his parents are going to be looking after the baby when i go back to work as we cannot afford nursery (we had agreed on using a nursery when i was pregnant!). i really dont want that but is appears they have decided already between them what will happen.
I LOVE my husband so much, but i cannot live my life this way. it's getting me down so much as was doing so before the baby was born too. He says he has asked enough of his parents (he did ask then to not interfere, but they still do) and cannot ask them to change anymore. I just want to get way from them.
I feel so awful. feel like packing the bags and taking the baby and going to stay with my family down south as cannot take them anymore. but i don't want to leave my husband or deprive him of his daughter, or deprive the baby of her father, but cannot live under his parent's thumb anymore.
I'm also worried as his parents are rich so u worry that if i leave they will hire a lawyer and make sure oh gets custody of the baby rather then me. despite the fact that their beloved son smokes weed everyday they still would make sure that kept the baby rather than me!
i've tried sand tried talking to my husband and it'ds cuased so much tension between us and i keep saying that i will try ot get on with them, but i just can't! they interfer so much they make me want to escape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please, does anyone have any advice?
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Replies
Sorry Im not much use, just didnt want to read and run. good luck x
The other day she took lo into the garden and oh asked her to keep lo out of the sun, mil replied 'the sun wont hurt her' oh said 'just humour me and keep her out of the sun please' i was so proud of him.
i am a real wimp with my parents as well as anyone else, so my advice would be, stand up for yourself - next time they make a comment - snap back but in a way that your oh wont be annoyed with and hopefully they will get the message.
My dad thinks all we do is feed lo, he keeps aying to her, you cant want milk again you've had some a few hours ago, i snapped at him - she does have it every 3 hours you know, he then shut up.
I really do know how you feel, i want to strangle my mil all the time.
Be strong hunny, dont let it ruin your marriage, but at the same time your hubby should understand that it upsets you xx
Have YOU tried talking to his parents? Explain how their actions make you feel? Also tell them to act like grandparents and NOT parents, she already has two of them!
Hope you get it all sorted.
K x
Hopefully then you should be able to have a good conversation about it.
Please let us know how it goes.
Rx
Stand your ground. dont let your oh dictate what you should do. Yes he is your husband, but you should be making decision together. You may want to post this on baby too. I know quite a few people have found a bit of tensin with oh when los are small. Next time your in laws take your lo off you. Speak and say, you are sorry but you r lo nees a sleep, or you would like cuddle to. they may not actually realise that they are getting in teh way. Does that make sense? They may just be wanting lots of cuddles but not realising that you need some space too.
Maybe arrange to go to friends when you think they will be comig voer, or go out for a walk. My mil used to say, does she need feeding, has she slept. yes it did annoy me, but I jsut let it go over my head and didnt dwell on it. Im guessing she was just making sure that she was settled and her needs were met. but I do understnad where you are coming from.
I really do sympathise and I know speaking to him isn't really going to work. Why don't you all go and visit your parents for a while, seeing my parents always seems to make my hubby realise just how bad his parents are. xxxxx
Still you could always look to pop out every time they are round. Try and limit your space a bit more. Also how about inviting your mum round for a week to stay. She will make you feel better. XX
When I had my 1st baby, hubby's parents were all over my baby, taking her from me when she cried, making me feel useless. We never visited often enough or for long enough. MIL was crying saying she wasn't like a proper grandma cos she didn't see baby often enough. It drove me mad and I think it contributed to my depression after I had baby. They would always pore over her, always have to hold her and show her off to others as if she was their child. It still makes me upset to think of it! Also snide comments like 'we never see her' etc which my oh never noticed.
Well after I had my 2nd baby they weren't as bad, and when 2nd lo was about 6 months old I told hubby just how useless pil had made me feel, how upset I'd been for months after Lily was born, how I'd hated them always snatching her from me and felt so upset and anxious whenever we saw them etc and he said HE DIDN'T REALIZE I FELT SO BAD. I guess I can't blame him for that. I should have spelt it out at the time...crying in the bathroom at their house, and telling him nicely didn't get across to him how bad it was. So emphasize how bad it is making you feel and ask your hubby to have a word.
I'm a bit of a cowardy custard but I asked OH to have a word with his mum, and she's not so overbearing now, and we actually get along much better and can chat without any bitchiness or snide comments which is great. Also now girls are older I don't mind them going to her house for the day so she has them a bit more often. The situation can improve!
Good luck hun, and sorry for the essay! It just brought up exactly how I felt back then. xxx