Need advice...

loria · Jun 26, 2008 1:27PM

Hi! I have a big problem. My OH and I have an 8 month old daughter. He moved in with me when I was 8 months pregnant and it seems now it was the worst thing we ever did. Our relationship is not good, we dont sleep in the same room anymore, and don't have sex. We are always arguing and it is not healthy for our baby to grow up in this environment. He owns a business with his ex-girlfriend and he has made some mistakes in the past which for some reason I looked past and stayed with him, It was my mistake to take him back and now when he goes to work everyday, I realize I will never trust him again.
I decided to leave him...I tried about 4 times to tell him Its over and 3 of the times he threatened suicide. Once he actually took pills and I had to call the police. That call, and the other 2 calls to the police has left us with a child services investigation which was really difficult. I got scared of the police getting involved again and since then decided not to involve them unless it was a real emergency. This situation sounds really awful and it is. Now that my daugther is 8 months..i really want to go our separate ways. Again, I tried to tell him...but he said if i can't make it work with him he will make my life miserable. I have looked into selling my place and got him to agree to pay for half of the renovations with him thinking he is moving out with us. I am afraid of what to expect regarding custody of my baby when we do leave...and i dont think he can ever be civil with me regarding my baby when we separate. He will make my life as difficult as possible. I feel such a burden when I am around him..and lately have really have it. HELP! Any advice?? $:\$ (

highlandfea · Jun 21, 2008 3:07PM

oh loria i feel for you babe x no real advice but just wanted to say i feel for you babe x my only pearl of wisdom is don't be blackmailed emotionally as his life is his responsibility not yours!! let him go for it and i know i sound like a hard cow but really he needs to wiseup.... are you married? if not then the custody thing is in your court babe you call the shots on that . is there any way you can walk away and force the sale of the property and just not tell him where you are ?? the police are your friend babe they will not take your baby from you when its him that has the problem .. have you tried talking to any of the womans help lines ,citizen advice or even social work about your options?? sorry i am cr*p at this but your new on here and i want you to know there are girls on here who can help but they just might not be on tonight so keep checking your post see if someone more helpful pops up
hugs fea x

loria · Jun 21, 2008 3:32PM

Thanks so much for the reply. No we aren't married. We live in Canada and I think we are living common law now..unfortunately. That complicates things. I have thought about walking away but have no where to go except my parents house. I tried leaving for a few days once..but he ended up coming to my parents house and causing havoc when baby was 7 weeks. That left my parents stressed out..and I don't want to burden them. Is the custody in my court if we are not married? I won't be able to afford a place if i leave now since I am on maternity leave and receiving 60% of income until October. Also, I think if i do leave, i will still have to pay my mortgage on my place since it was all mine to begin with and everything is in my name. Argh..i feel like i have hit a dead end and don't know what to do...

waiting4baby · Jun 22, 2008 4:08AM

hello, i'm sorry youre having a tough time of it all, i have no idea about canadian law so wouldnt like to say your rights or anything but just wanted to say his suicide threats are nothing but emotional abuse and as tough as it is for you, you need to do whats best for you and your baby. if you sleep in seperate rooms surely he is aware you have problems? is there any way you could sit down and talk with him about how you feel and whats going on? perhaps if he felt youd tried to work things out and still failed he would be more understanding about it all? when he took the pills if he had to go to hospital presumably this would be on record along with police reports, i would imagine this would make him an unstable man to have full paternal rights in the eyes of the law? also i THINK but dont know for sure common law patnerships occur when youve ived together for so many years not 16months - you might want to check on that too..

i know its not a perfect solution but have you thought of talking to a womens refuge or something, they may be able to talk you through your rights and if need be give you somewhere safe to stay while you sort yourselves out.

good luck and thinking of you.

mumto225 · Jun 22, 2008 4:21AM

**big hugs** sounds like an awful situation to be in.
a womens refuge sounds like a good idea (even just in case of emergency) i understand that you wouldn't want to leave the house that you are paying for though!
if talking to him is not going to make him leave, change the locks when he goes to work! when he gets home and kicks off phone the police and try for a restraining order!! just a suggestion!

i'd not worry about custody, he doesn't have any rights if your not married and esp. that you can prove he has problems and you haven't been together or lived together that long!

good luck with everything hun, we are here if you need a chat xx.

KThom122 · Jun 22, 2008 5:29AM

Hi,

you must have something in Canada like citizens advice who you can ask about the legal bits.

Whether or not he is entitled to anything with regards to the house will (if anything like over here) depend on how long you owned it before he moved in and if the direct debit goes from your account and your money can cover it.

I would seek legal advice before doing anything- with regards to the house, custody and maintenance.

I had an ex who got on like yours and the last time he threatened it I responded by telling him to go ahead- call his bluff- he has no intention of doing anything.

Also where custody was concerned I got a residency order and he was allowed contact- the contact continued while he knew I wasn't happy about it but the minute I decided to give up fighting with him and try to be civil for my son he disappeared and we haven't seen him since- that was 5 years ago.

People like that are just trying to get your attention and the best thing you can do is show him you don't care. Under NO circumstances should you move out of that house it is YOURS. Be strong

loria · Jun 23, 2008 4:47AM

Thanks so much for all the support! It really helps to know that there are people out there who can lend an ear and advice.

When my daughter was about 7 weeks old, i did take his house keys and intended to kick him out. I really felt that since it was my place..(i had bought it a year before he moved in..and everything is under my name)..that it was mine. And he had to get out if I asked him to. Obviously he refused..i took his key and he chased me down to the parkade..and jumped onto the back of my dad's truck as i was leaving. Lo was at my parents at the time thank god since I knew he would make it difficult. That night, I slept at my parents house and the next morn a police officer showed up to talk to me. He told me my bf had complained and told the police that he felt like a prisoner in his own home since i took his house key. I had to explain the situation....I looked bad since he had made the call and not me. Then the officer made me give the key back despite my teling him that it was my place. I was so upset...eventually came back home, and had no idea how to get him to leave. I just want him to leave and I have sat him down and tried to tell him that I am tired and our daughter cannot be around us together..and he refuses to listen and shuts me out and says he is never going to leave us.

I never knew I could meet someone who could take everything away from me...my values, beliefs..it seems our dysfunction is becoming normalcy and that is horrible. Sometimes i don t even recognize myself anymore and I hate him for that. I really want to do what is best for my lo.

waiting4baby · Jun 23, 2008 4:57AM

thats terrible i can't believe the police officer would take his side! do you have any sort of advice bureau where you are, there must be some way of you holding onto your rights, that man sounds a very immature and manipulative person whom most definitely needs sorting out. if you were renting a property how do you get rid of an unwanted tenant there? could you do the same with him? thinking of you good luck

loria · Jun 23, 2008 12:41PM

Thanks girls i feel much better being able to vent and try to figure things out on here.

Last night we had another episode. After putting lo to bed, I was laying on the couch watching tv. He told me he was tired, and wanted me to move to the sofa so he could lie down where i was lying. I told him to go to the bedroom and lie on the bed cuz i wasn't tired. He said no, he wants to lie on the couch, thats his bed. I thought it wasn't fair since that was the only place I could watch tv..and he could go lie down anywhere else. I said no..and instead he layed by my feet and pushed me off with his body. Then he kept imitating what i was saying to upset me and I got so angry. I got up, got a cup of water and dumped it on him! Then when he had the couch he says "this is my bed, and no one can say anything about it!" I left the house to cool off for an hour, then when i got home, I lay down on the bed and he had soaked my entire bed. I ended up having to change the sheets at 2 am as lo sleeps next to me in the early morn. I really hate him. He provokes me, upsets me, is forceful, and manipulative, then when i get upset....he calls me crazy. Has anyone had to deal with a man like that? Its so complicated..i dunno what to call it. Why can't he just compromise or not make my life so miserable?

KThom122 · Jun 23, 2008 4:49PM

You really need to get rid of this man- he will grind you down until you have no self confidence left and have no idea who you are anymore. It is not healthy for you or for your child to be living like this.

i can promise you from experience that this will just continue to get worse- and by staying you are putting yourself and your daughter at risk.

Speak to a solicitor as soon as possible and see what your rights are with regards to the house and getting him out. Please sort this out soon coz the longer you allow it to go on the worse for everybody.

This is NOT your fault- though he will try to convince you of that.

BUT- only YOU can sort this out-he isn't going anywhere until you make him. Do it for yourself and for your daughter

loria · Jun 26, 2008 1:27PM

Hi everyone. I finally got him to agree to move out..but his condition is that i share my daughter 50% custody. I HATE the idea of sharing her..and i don't want to. He is good to her...but I really hate this idea of sharing custody. She grew in my tummy...and I am soo attached to her..I want more custody. I would be ok with having her mon-friday and him on weekends. But he doesn't agree...what should i do? I'm really hurt at the thought of only having her 50% of the time.

Need advice...

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