Forum home Family life & relationships Relationships

angry with mil

Sorry to be asking for more support! There's something which has been upsetting me for a while now & I'm having trouble getting past it. It's the inlaws...more specifically mother-in-law. When my lo was 6 weeks they came to visit and meet theyre grandson for the first time. They live in england and we live abroad. The mil walked in and barely even looked at my beautiful boy, she didn't say anything about him, ask anything about him or how we are all doing..apart from to bark 'give him a dummy' when he started to cry. They were with us for a couple of hours with her just sitting there sour faced when my oh's brother, who was staying with us, came in. He was holding my lo and was trying to get his mum to hold him, she kept saying 'no, no I'm too tired' but in the end relented and held him.
They were in the country for a few months and after that she was all over him when ever they came to visit but I absolutely could not stand it.

The problem is I often think about this and get really upset. I am also soo angry at myself for letting that occur and not just taking me and my baby away from the situation. Should I be getting over this by now? We haven't even seen them for months (thank god we live in different countries)! I feel like I will never forgive her for that day (and other things I won't go into to) & will resent every minute she gets with my lo, but I also know that isn't fair on him and my oh. Am I being over the top about this?

I really needed to get that off my chest. x

Replies

  • You sound like I feel.
    My MIL is in the same country most of the year and was here when Maddie was born and looked after her in the mornings as I had to return to work early.
    I am not a fan of hers but things went fairly well, even though I know she lied about when she gave feeds.
    She left the country in November and returned last month and was in no particular hurry to see Maddie or even ask after her, she has seen her about 3/4 times since being back (only lives 15 mins away) and came to our house and chatted to her beloved son (my oh) while completely ignoring Maddie until oh said 'are you going to speak to Maddie?'
    She never asks how she is and never asks to see her so I don't offer any more.
    Today she was at our work when I popped back in with Maddie to get something done and we had to ask her to talk to Maddie rather than ignore her and she said I'm not good with babies!
    As my oh said to me later it wasn't a problem before she left!
    I have really developed a hate for her since having Maddie and will under no circumstances leave Maddie with her as she is not loving or attentive enough. My mum is so different that I find this very upsetting and get angry about it but at the same time I would rather not see her so unless she asks I wont be offering!

    Sorry I think I needed a rant!
    But in answer to your question no I don't think you are being over the top mil's should be banned unless they are of the kind, loving, helpful type!
  • That's horrible sillymoo, what is it with these women? I really understand when you say you have developed a hate for her. Has your mil ever had a problem with you and is this why she's cold with Maddie? My mil has never liked me purely for the fact that I'm not greek (as they are!) and has never liked me being with her son. To cut a long story short this is why she was so horrid that first day. She since let her guard down with angelo but barely spoke 2 words
    to me or showed me an ounce of respect. I just don't want someone with her close minded, horrible attitude near my son.
    Hope things get better for you. And if you want a mil moan I'm always here for that!
    Nicole x
  • There are some things you just cant get over and when your MIL is a bitch its one of them!

    My eldest son is now coming up 15 and his dad went to pick her up to visit us for the 1st time at home. I sat waiting and waiting coz it should have taken half an hour maximum but it took hours! Turned out she didnt want to miss the mens wimbledon final!!!! WTF. I am not even with his dad anymore but I have had loads and loads of run ins with her over the years and I still can never forgive her for that 1st visit!!
  • Nicole
    I am always free for a good mil moan aswell.
    I get the impression that I am not good enough for her son but she is always careful about what she says as she knows my oh will side with me (i'm lucky there).
    I have had comments like the day before our wedding ' of course Patrick never wanted to get married'
    After our wedding everytime we met she spoke about divorce.
    I was also told oh never wanted children when pregnant with Maddie.
    I had mmc before Maddie and was told of course my sil had 2 as if i should have another to keep up.
    When pregnant with Maddie (about 4 months) she said isn't it too early to buy stuff as things can still go wrong.

    I always thought she was quite innocent and the comments weren't meant how they sound but after having Maddie and looking back I am now sure they are meant that way and the feable woman act is just that an ACT!!
    She was able to fill in a load of legal forms when her mother died that would normally be done by a solicitor so I know she is not thick and have come to the conclusion that she is just sly and manipulative.
    I think we should just think to ourselves that is not us that is not good enough but our MIL's that are not good enough for us!
    I'm lucky my oh gets on brilliantly with my parents and even wants to move next door to them.
    I'd say bite your tongue but if you are like me you would end up biting right through it, so I guess I will just continue seeing her when I have to but not offering to.

    Jo x
  • Sorry to say but I feel slightly better that I'm not the only one suffering with mil from hell.
    Jo, I really cannot believe she was making such comments. It's sounds as if she is sly like my mil. My oh's sister even said that she's quite conniving..so I don't think I've ever stood a chance really!
    It's such a shame though. Like you, my oh gets on really well with my parents and it kind of makes me wish I had the same relationship with his parents.
    Oh can I just tell you one more thing that she did (god I'm sounding really childish!). The week after the first visit they came over to our flat in the morning whilst oh was at work to give us some fish. 'oh they're being quite nice and she's making an effort' I thought. They told oh in advance that they would just pop in and wouldn't stay. I was a real mess as I was still recovering from complications after labour and dealing with a very colicky baby, exhausted and still in my pjs etc. Anyway they were there an hour and mil kept popping out on the balcony to make phone calls. Next thing I know her brother and his wife turn up so they could sit and socialise in my home. She didn't even ask me, let alone warn me! It was awful and I felt so uncomfortable struggling to breastfeed with them all there. When I finally gave up and retreated to my bedroom with Angelo she followed me and said with a smile 'I do hope you don't mind them coming over'. Bearing in mind she has never said more than two words at a time to me...arghhhhh!xx

  • You are all fortunate the its you mil and not your own mum treating you like this-I don't usually rant on here but I have I feeling this will feel good.

    My mum is just like your mil missymoo she puts on this sweeter than now act but deep down she is a bitter twisted manipulative liar. And she knows very well what she does.

    My mother ruined my third pregnancy by constantly going on that three was too many and I should def get oh the snip after this one was born. While preg she constantly talked about my weight and size and get this one when I phoned her from hosp with the news of her grandsons safe arrival her first q was 'has your stomach gone down much yet???!!! Bear in my I had given birth 5 mins ago- strangely enough the shape size of my tummy was the last thing on my mind. ((bear in mind also this woman is not stick thin herself she is size 18/20)).

    She and my dad are also constantly trying to tell me how to raise our children what they eat, when they go to bed, how often they are bathed, what they watch on tele EVERYTHING

    OH and I had some money last year and she asked if we would pay her mortgage off for her and my dad had inheritance coming to him which would pay us back. I agreed and went to the bank with her to pay ??16,500- which she has yet to thank either me or my oh for. My parents told me it would be paid back in 6 mths and I finally got the first 10k back 2 weeks ago (they borrowed the money July 07). I found out tho from my dad that she wanted to keep some and only give us a bit back.

    I finally confronted her two weeks agop about everything coz I was raging that she would try to keep some of our money and she just made the excuse that she didn't want me to waste it!!! I flipped when she said this and told her I had enuf of her manipulating me and trying to make decisions for me and gave her a right mouthfull and she never spoke didn't even look at me.

    The only time she reacted was when I said that all I weanted was for us to have a proper relationship but how could we when she was prepared to lie to me, take my money and constantly tells ppl in front of me that I am fat. I asked her who the hell she thought she was to treat me like this and she cried a bit then I had another rant and she told me to get out.

    I haven't seen her now for 2 weeks and she hasn't even called to speak to the kids- before this I talked to her almost every day and saw her min 2 times a week. I do miss her and so do the kids but I don't regret saying what I did coz she has been doing this for years now.
  • KThom122 I am so sorry that you have gone through that, why are people in general so horrible?
    Did she cry because she was upset or was it a tactic to make you feel bad?
    Sorry that is something I would never of asked until I began to feel the same way about my mil, I don't trust any of her reactions because I think they are all just to get her own way.

    Nicole, You are so like me I would have just tried being polite and getting on with it, sometimes I wish I could just tell her to f off but she is my oh's mother and even though he agrees with alot of what I say I would never tell him exactly how I feel, well not unless things get really bad!
  • Yeah you are right- a ploy to make me feel bad. I am just glad now that I can see through her after all these years. Imagine how my poor hubby felt having to watch that all go on and feel he couldn't say anything coz I would take her side.

    She even said one time that me and the kids would be better off if he was dead (we were going thru a rough patch) coz at least the mortgage would be paid off. What a sick individual
  • God thats really horrible!
    What would make someone say something like that? I just don't know what is going on with all these women!
    I look at my little girl and can't understand why my mil does not ask to see her everyday, let alone ask how she is!
  • My god that's really horrible kthom122, so sorry to hear what you're going though. You definitely did the right thing by confronting your mum. She obviously has her own issues that she needs to deal with and sounds like she takes it out on you..which is completely unacceptable. I think it's easy for others to think you should just not see her and be done with it but you say you miss her and she's your mum so it must be hard. Just remember it's your life, you have your own family now and deserve to be happy without anyone trying to control it and make you unhappy.

    Jo, I am the same, I am generally polite (although seething inside) and would love to say a big huge f off to her!
  • I am sure that it is something to do with my bil, he and my oh haven't spoken for over a year now and I think he may be stiring things up.
    He has never met Maddie and doesn't even put his name on her Xmas cards etc, the cards we send to his 2 boys are always signed from all of us as there is no argument with them.
    I find it all so weird as I am from a fairly large family who are mostly close and all look out for each other.
  • i really do feel for you all i had a great mother in law who never cause me any problems what so ever. i love her almost as much as i love my own mum. unfortunately my mother in law passed away in august. i have listened to millions of poor women complain about mother in laws from hell, my gran was one to my mum and i am so great full i got lucky with mine. i think the main problem is you cant really talk to your OH about it as men will always back there mothers. but i would take it as a lesson and learn from it not to treat my own son's future wife or partner in the same way, as so few women learn from the mistakes there own mother in laws made.
  • I don't have to worry about turning out like her as I could never ignore my own granchilds existance (I think very few women could) and I am also very lucky that my OH agrees with me more than her but I would never tell him exactly how I feel about her.
    I see her 3 - 4 times a weeks when she comes into our work and she never asks after lo, she has been back in the country for about 2 months and has seen lo 4 times, she only lives 15 mins down the road so no excuse!!
Sign In or Register to comment.

Featured Discussions