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COPING WITH M/C...YOUR NOT ALONE
hi i had a missed miscariage at 10 weeks to very similar to whats happened to you. i had a d+c 2 days b4 my birthday in january n bled for a full month wasnt like a normal period. then ive just started again im hoping to suceed next time. im glad i found you coz ive not been able to talk to any1 about it i get really depressed and it dont help that my cousin had her baby 2 weeks after my d+c every1 in my family was fussing her and still do. it was my 1st pregnancy and really lookin 4ward 2 it was buying things i thought it wud b ok coz i never bled i only knew wen i went 4 my 12 wk scan. loads of people i know r finding out now there having babys and i feel as if every 1 is taking the micky of me. i feel so lonely even though my b/f is supportive. i need sum1 2 talk 2. im lonely! ![:\](https://forum.madeformums.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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Replies
You are going through such a tough time at the moment, I'm sure some days you want to scream and cry, rant and rave and other days are more bearable ..... it does get better sweetie I promise but in the meantime we are all here for you to chat to about how you are feeling or about the weather - whatever you want.
Just so you know this thread isn't really used anymore but please join us on the "You're not alone 2" thread .... take care. Sarah xxx
I wasn't really sure which was the best board to come and chat on, but this one seems to be the right one.
I discovered a silent miscarriage two weeks ago and this weekend just gone had a D&C to finish off the process. All was going okay, and I seemed to be handling it fine. My other half and I both had a cry and were sad to say good bye to the pregnancy, as despite it being a surprise, we had both got used to the idea, and were busily preparing for the impending addition to our family - we were due to get married in September, but moved it all forward so my bump was less of a bump, and we had more money for baby things. I was loving obsessing over my pregnancy books, and looking at maternity wear, he kick started into action on getting the house sorted, and turning my studio into a nursery. We were so thrilled. I now just feel so devastated. I'm really shocked by my reaction. I have a tendency to get depressed from time to time anyway, but I feel totally floored just at the moment, whereas until the day before yesterday I was fine. I spent most of yesterday crying, and as I sit here now, I'm bawling. My other half is being great, my mum and dad too, and they're kindness makes me cry even more. I just feel very cheated. I was so looking forward to having this baby. And I feel a bit weak to be feeling so upset about it, when it hadn't even really got going. I keep repeating the same thing when my other half asks me what's wrong. I just feel sad and disappointed. And I feel that I should be getting over it and getting on. There are lots of positives to come out of things not working out. Amongst other things, we've given up smoking, we've saved a fortune on our wedding, and we know that I can conceive (I wasn't sure, due to lots of gynae probs over the years). And I am clinging onto those positives which I know are true, but I just feel so sad. Other half thinks maybe I should go to counselling, which I think may be a good idea. I just feel all lost and pointless, and whilst I know that it'll all pass and things'll be okay, and we'll move on, right now, I am just very deep in it. I guess I'm just looking for some words of reassurance really, and some understanding from people who have been through it, and know what I'm feeling now.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I completely understand how you feel. I never even considered how i would feel if i ever had a miscarriage or how it would affect my life. I think the best advice i can give you is to take each day as it comes some days will be better than others. This is something which you will never forget but will learn to live with. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this everyone has their own way to get through this and carry on and that is what you need to find even if you just live one day at a time until you are ready to look to the future again. I have found that i take one step forward and then something happens and i take two or three steps back. Just lean on the people around you like your parents and husband - that is what i tend to do!!! It may feel a bit helpless at the moment but trust me the pain and hurt will get easier to deal with as time goes on although it doesnt go away or at least it hasnt yet!! I am no expert but i am just saying how i was and still am coping with the whole terrible experience. I am sorry if it is no use to you. I'm so sorry once again.
I'm really really sorry to hear your awful news. I was diagnosed with a silent mc / missed mc a nearly four weeks ago and had the ERPC 3 weeks ago.
I went through the same horrendous floods of tears that you're describing. I felt really depressed and angry and just coudn't stop crying. It really hit me like a ton of bricks and it was much worse than I expected. Well to be honest, I didn't even think what it would be like. I was so bad that I couldn't make a cup of tea at times, and one one occassion I just sat in the bath and wailed and wailed and wailed.
The lowest point for me was probably the week after the D&C and the middle of last week. I thought the op would bring closure to everything but I still felt terrible.
I read a couple of recommended books on miscarriage and took the last 4 weeks off work and I've been feeling so much better in the last few days. For me, I'm glad I got so upset because I feel like I've grieved properly. I've really got it out of my system and I am now ready to start to move on.
But don't rush yourself. Be upset as you have every right to be. I did the same thing about trying to draw positives out of the situation and wondering why I still felt upset. E.g. I became pregnant in the first month of trying which I know is really, really lucky. But when something bad has happened, you have every right to be upset!
I hope you have some comfort in the fact that I'm a couple of weeks 'ahead' of you, and I can honesty say I now feel a hundred times more postive now. But do give yourself lots of time to go through your emotions.
Lots of love,
Jo x x x
Thanks so much for your replies. It's very reassuring to hear from you both, and I'm sorry to hear of your losses too. It's good to hear that things will get easier, and I hope that both your pregnancies are coming along well - that is wonderful news for you and also good to hear.
Jo, I was wondering what books you read which helped you?
I too thought that D&C would bring closure, and even straight afterwards, I thought I felt great! Other half reckons it's coz I was high as a kite from the anaesthetic, which thinking about it is probably true, but I almost expected to feel totally rubbish after the op, not better than before I went in. I guess I didn't expect what has followed!
It's all been a shock and surprise, and I shall heed the advice to take each day as it comes, and let it all come out. Whilst it's bloomin miserable, it somehow feels like the right thing to do. It feels like it's not only the child I'm grieving, but the future - immediate and further on- that we had started to map out.
Until now, I didin't feel I could grieve as I couldn't work out what I was grieving - my scan revealed that there was no baby, just an 8 week amniotic sac and the very beginnings of a baby that had developed no further - the most unexpected of results, and one that we just hadn't thought of.
So it's only really now that it's hitting home, and I'm realising that it is a loss, and that it has really happened, and it's okay to grieve, even though the baby hadn't developed further than the very beginning, so despite being told there was 'no baby', there was really so it's okay to be sad for what won't be.
I'm looking forward to feeling more positive, which I know I will - I'm feeling marginally better today, even though it's still outpouring. I know there will be other chances, and other futures, just that right now, I feel sad that this particular one has come to an end so suddenly and unexpectedly.
Thanks for listening, it's a great help. x
Good to hear from you again. I agree with you. I was glad in some ways that there was no fetus in my case, but it didn't make me any less devastated, upset or depressed about my loss.
I bought 'Miscarriage: Women's experiences and needs' by Christine Moulder which I found really good to read, even though it made me cry an perhaps even feel worse at times. It has lots of snippets of women's experiences which I found really helpful as it's reassuring that your emotions are normal.
I also bought Miscarriage What every woman needs to know - A positive new approach. That's written by a professor who runs a miscarriage clinic which is quite helpful although there are quite a few chapters on recurrent miscarriages and I've avoided them as I don't want to scare myself!
I just read the reviews on Amazon and picked these 2 out. There might be better books out there. Also bought another small book which is out of print.
I went out for drinks with a friend tonight and talked about the mc for most of the evening without even feeling like shedding a tear. This is a million miles away from me a fortnight - or even a week ago - when I felt really low and weepy all the time. I just felt so fragile. I know I've definitely moved onto the next stage of recovery and I'm amazed it's happened so quickly.
I hope you don't mind me saying these things as you're feeling so bad at the moment. It's just there really is hope for you and it might not take too long until you feel better. I guess it was 3 weeks for me after the ERPC when I picked up. It might take you more or less time, but you won't always feel this bad. I promise.
Big big cuddles anyway and chat over the weekend.
Lots of love,
Jo x