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Feel like i'm stuck in a nightmare
So many times i have felt like divorcing from my hubbie since i gave birth due ti his parents!!
I had my daughter by emergency section on 16/10/09 at 34+5 due to me developing severe pre-eclampsia at 34wks and then developing Hellp syndrome. The nurses told my husband and my mum that my life was sertiously at risk. I told my husband I didnt want his parents at the hospital after a huge argument with his father a few weeks earlier (he had called me and started lecturing me on how to look after myself before having a real go at me over something between him and my hubbie that i had not known about!! during same conversation, asked when i would be letting them take baby on holiday!!) however they turned up anyway and insisted on my hubbie taking them to see our daughter in scbu before i had even seen her, (i was in a high dependancy unit), put their hands into her incubator even though the nurses had told them that only the babies parents were allowed to do so. I am so so angry with them and want nothing more to do with them and want them nowhere near my daughter.
They have turned up uninvited and unannounced a few times and then kicked off because i was out or on my way out, the times they have seen her, they think nothing of taking her straight from my arms. I find it really upsetting and cannot stand seeing them with her. They constantly comment about me not giving her a dummy, that by trying to breastfeed im only doing it to spite everyone, that picking reuseable nappies was done to make it too complicated for anyone else and on and on........ No part of them is willing to look at whats best for my daughter. Due to me not taking her to their house, they have threatened to go get a court-issued contact order to force us to give them access to her. My hubbie keeps saying that me and our daughter are his whole world and no-one else matters to him but then he will snap at me that he wants his parents involved in her life. I have a serious fear that if she goes to their house, she will not come back. I spend most nights while he is out working in tears, jumping everytime my phone rings or there is a knock on the door. When i try to talk to hubbie, he starts offf acting understanding then ends up snapping at me. I have wondered if it would be better splitting up just so i can avoid having anything to do with his family again. I saw my cousin earlier today who im really close to but have only seen twice since i had my daughter and she said she knew something was wrong and i just broke down crying and it took ages to tell her what was wrong. She said she understands from having her kids that grandparents want to see them but that she can totally understand why i feel the way i do, that with her being so early and the risk we were both at everyone needs to accept that both me and baby need each other, they have no right to take this as an insult or make threats, need to back off and realise that at three months, she is just now getting to what would be classed as a healthy birth weight and size and that they need to accept that me and hubby need time to get used to being a family of three - with a now healthy baby- and that it really is nothing to do with them how we choose to raise her, especially as she is clearly thriving. (I must say she is amazing all of us, developing better than most of my friends little ones who were born at term or overdue around the same time she arrived)
I just want to feel how it seems other new mums feel - excited and elated, able to just get out and about and not feel so on edge and tearful all the time. I wouldn't change my daughter for anything, she is my whole world but everything else is making me regret the last 2 years since me and hubby met and i feel like i now have to spend the rest of my life trapped and feel guilty that i have caused the three of us to be in this situation. Im scared to tell the docs or hv how i feel in case they say its PND as i feel afraid that my PIL will find out and use it as a reason to try and take my daughter.
I had my daughter by emergency section on 16/10/09 at 34+5 due to me developing severe pre-eclampsia at 34wks and then developing Hellp syndrome. The nurses told my husband and my mum that my life was sertiously at risk. I told my husband I didnt want his parents at the hospital after a huge argument with his father a few weeks earlier (he had called me and started lecturing me on how to look after myself before having a real go at me over something between him and my hubbie that i had not known about!! during same conversation, asked when i would be letting them take baby on holiday!!) however they turned up anyway and insisted on my hubbie taking them to see our daughter in scbu before i had even seen her, (i was in a high dependancy unit), put their hands into her incubator even though the nurses had told them that only the babies parents were allowed to do so. I am so so angry with them and want nothing more to do with them and want them nowhere near my daughter.
They have turned up uninvited and unannounced a few times and then kicked off because i was out or on my way out, the times they have seen her, they think nothing of taking her straight from my arms. I find it really upsetting and cannot stand seeing them with her. They constantly comment about me not giving her a dummy, that by trying to breastfeed im only doing it to spite everyone, that picking reuseable nappies was done to make it too complicated for anyone else and on and on........ No part of them is willing to look at whats best for my daughter. Due to me not taking her to their house, they have threatened to go get a court-issued contact order to force us to give them access to her. My hubbie keeps saying that me and our daughter are his whole world and no-one else matters to him but then he will snap at me that he wants his parents involved in her life. I have a serious fear that if she goes to their house, she will not come back. I spend most nights while he is out working in tears, jumping everytime my phone rings or there is a knock on the door. When i try to talk to hubbie, he starts offf acting understanding then ends up snapping at me. I have wondered if it would be better splitting up just so i can avoid having anything to do with his family again. I saw my cousin earlier today who im really close to but have only seen twice since i had my daughter and she said she knew something was wrong and i just broke down crying and it took ages to tell her what was wrong. She said she understands from having her kids that grandparents want to see them but that she can totally understand why i feel the way i do, that with her being so early and the risk we were both at everyone needs to accept that both me and baby need each other, they have no right to take this as an insult or make threats, need to back off and realise that at three months, she is just now getting to what would be classed as a healthy birth weight and size and that they need to accept that me and hubby need time to get used to being a family of three - with a now healthy baby- and that it really is nothing to do with them how we choose to raise her, especially as she is clearly thriving. (I must say she is amazing all of us, developing better than most of my friends little ones who were born at term or overdue around the same time she arrived)
I just want to feel how it seems other new mums feel - excited and elated, able to just get out and about and not feel so on edge and tearful all the time. I wouldn't change my daughter for anything, she is my whole world but everything else is making me regret the last 2 years since me and hubby met and i feel like i now have to spend the rest of my life trapped and feel guilty that i have caused the three of us to be in this situation. Im scared to tell the docs or hv how i feel in case they say its PND as i feel afraid that my PIL will find out and use it as a reason to try and take my daughter.
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Replies
Don't know what to advise but didn't want to R&R.
They sound awful!! Don't back down and stand up for yourself, their behaviour is completely unnacceptable and it sounds like they're bullying you.
This kind of thing makes me so angry, It amazes me that just because someone's family, they think that gives them the right to behave this way and it doesn't! If they were my inlaws they would have got an earful from me!!!!
Hope you're okay xxx
I no its hard even with your husband but unless your on the same team you'll never be able to deal with the in laws. He needs to realise that you and your child are his family unit now, and he needs to make his parents aware that until they start respecting you and your choices as her mother, then things won't change and if they're going to change it'll be on your terms. Good luck huni
They are obviously bullying selfish and overbearing - nothing you can do will change this. So what you need to is develop your own way of dealing with them - and not letting this stress you out.
They CANNOT take you to court for access - ridiculous! its an empty threat - there is no such thing as access for grandparents!!! There has been TALK about laws to help grandparents get access in the event of a marriage breakdown, but I doubt that would ever come to anything.
You are her mother and EVERY law in the land supports you. You could remind them of that next time they threaten you.
What you could do is see your gp about some counselling to deal with stress and anxiety. He may discuss PND with you - but you know there's no need for you in-laws to find out.
Make it 100% clear to your hubby that there will never be a time when she will go on holiday with them - as she is YOUR baby. BUT at the same time, be reasonable and say that of course they can come and see her - but you expect the courtesy of a phone call and arrangements first.
Take control of the situation and if the breastfeeding question ever comes up again - god that annoys me! - tell them that the World Health Organisation recommends bf'ing for at least 2 yrs and you fully intend to follow that advice for the health of your daughter - that should shut them up!!
Have some stock answers (polite ones!) to their horrible questions and just keep on repeating them. Don't let them get you flustered.
Good luck and be strong!
Mx
ps one of the great benefits of bf'ing in your case is that you can keep baby with you all the time!
How are you feeling hun xxx