Scared of losing DH over termination 12yrs ago

eva79 · Jan 13, 2009 1:41PM

I don't know where else to go for advice. I feel I have this perfect life and marriage, which I've worked hard for and due to a silly mistake when I was 17, I risk losing everything.

I was in a bad place and fell pregnant after a one-night stand. I had a termination, which I don't regret, but am petrified of my past coming back to haunt me. Only my mother knows about my past. I have been with hubby for 10 years and never told him.

I have an amazing marriage and we're ttc our first, but I have read that you have to reveal any previous pregnancies in your 'booking in' appointment.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell him now or deny I was ever pregnant on the forms? I can't risk losing him, but he's going to think I've lied for the past 10 years. Not that there's ever been a good time. I guess I just hoped I could bury it. It's not what I did that will hurt him, it's the fact I've never told him.

I love him so desperately and can't bear to upset our perfect marriage. I'm thinking I may have to come clean, but have no idea how to approach the subject.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice at all would be so very welcome.

Thanks for reading.

charlie_jay_and_one_on_the_way · Jan 12, 2009 1:23PM

hiya,
Sorry but i have never been in this situation but didnt want to read and run.I think you should just come clean to your hubby and tell him your reasons for keeping it a secret im sure he will understand. from what you have said you having a fantastic, loving relationship so im sure you will get through it. Yes he probably will be upset that you never felt you could tell him but it wont make him love you any less. This was a long time ago and you felt it was the right decision for you at that time so you have nothing to be ashamed of. I would say you probably could get away with not putting it on your forms but why take the risk?
good luck hun
charlie x

LottieNH · Jan 12, 2009 3:12PM

I think you would feel better if you told your husband - you didn't do anything wrong after all and I'm sure he would understand why you didn't tell him.

That said, you can go to your booking appt on your own and tell your midwife about the termination and that you don't want it on your notes. She can make a note of it elsewhere and your husband won't have to know.

karen130770 · Jan 12, 2009 5:17PM

You're right they do ask, but you can ask for it not to be put on your notes and you can explain why so they don't ask any questions regarding this with your husband around.

Having said that, I do think you should tell your husband. Ok, so you haven't told him after 10 years, but this was before you met him at the end of the day. I think actually he may be less anxious about it than you think. If you explain that you have buried it even from yourself as you never wanted to think about it again, it will go some way to explaining why you haven't told him.

I know this seems like a huge deal hon, but I really don't think it needs to be in all honesty. It's in your past, it happened but it's done with. It doesn't impact on your relationship and it won't impact on the family you're hoping to have soon. Just think if you tell him, your conscience is 'clear' and you have no secrets from your husband with the fear of it slipping out at some point.

Good luck hon whatever you decide to do.xx

Team_Blue_aka_doublebubble · Jan 12, 2009 5:47PM

Hi

Do you want to tell him?

Re the forms yes they can leave it off your notes but it stays on your hospital notes and when i was in hospital they refered to my abortion in front of my dh even tho i had asked for it to be kept of (in my case my mother doesnt know, I had told dh)

A big part of me says you should tell him as the whole buisness of ttc can affect how you feel about your past, but i can completely understand why you wish not too. I would talk to your doc and see if there is any medical reason why you have to disclose previous pregnancys.

good luck

xxDBxx

RachelandBabies · Jan 12, 2009 8:05PM

My advice would be to tell him. You sound as though you are both very happy together, therefore you are strong enough to tackle this. It may feel like a big weight has been lifted off of your shoulders also.

Honesty is generally the best policy. I wouldn't recommened telling fibs to the Dr. They asked the questions for a reason.

Good luck, I am sure you will have your husbands full support.

Rachel
xx

Beebee · Jan 13, 2009 4:50AM

TBH I see no reason to tell him after 10 years. It happened before you met & has nothing to do with him. My husband doens't know things about my life before him, why should he. It isn't essential to tell them everything. Also my husband never came to appointments apart from the scans, I see no need for that either all they do is measure your belly, take urine sample & ask you how you are, whats your husband gonna do if he is there? Talk for you?

As for putting it on the forms, tell then you have had a termination but that you don't want it on your paperwork. if they need to know then you can inform them at appointments but tbh, i was asked once, said yes & was never asked or had it mentioned again.

Honesty in your relationship is the best policy BUT only for things that are relevant & current. What you did 10 years ago is ancient history & as long as it doens't affect your abilty to conceive as a direct result of the TM then why rock the boat.:\?

[Modified by: Beebee on January 13, 2009 08:52 AM]

hushpuppy · Jan 13, 2009 7:22AM

I see no reason for you to tell him if it was 10 years ago. If it were my hubby, he'd be more upset that I hadn't told him earlier and would wonder why I hadn't felt I could tell him. It is in your past, let it stay there, how would you feel if he took it badly?? I personally don't think it's worth the risk!
My hubby didn't come along to my booking in appt as I knew it was just going to be a dull Q&A session, I was asked the question and answered it and that was the end of it. Previous mc etc were never talked off again.
xxx

ollier2001 · Jan 13, 2009 9:25AM

tbh, i can't say you should or shouldn't tell your oh- this is something only you know you should - or shouldn't do!

you know your oh better than anyone, so maybe you could guess what type of reaction he would have. or you could gage his reaction prior, by making up a ficticious friend who was really you etc...

otherwise, yes, you are asked about previous pregnancies. if you book without your partner, you will be able to tell them it is confidential, and it wont be shown. on the other hand, i booked a girl i knew had had 3x terminations (i had her gynae notes in my hand with them all there!!), and when i asked her if she had been pregnant before, she said no! so, i booked her as no!

what you could always do, when your oh not there, is just let the midwives know, so they can amend your notes to confidential, as it is advisable to let them know for a number of reasons.

whatever you decide, i hope it all works out well for you! $:\$ )

Joey0810 · Jan 13, 2009 1:41PM

like ollier, you know whats best. I hope the medical staff will be professional and keep the info confidential if you did go on your own and tell them - hopefully you wont be in a situation that doublebubble was in.
However, if you do feel you need to tell you oh but cant bring yourself to doing it...how about writing him a letter.That way you can explain exactly why you haven't told him.....you also say that you had hoped to bury it etc. Im sure he will totally understand you and see why you havent told him.

I know its the past and agree with what the otehrs have said. The only thing I would personally be worried about, is if medical staff asked the question to you, knowing you had said no, but knowing it said yes in the notes. For your partner to then turn around and say why have you been hiding it, Its a tough one. Only you know what the best answer is. xxx

Scared of losing DH over termination 12yrs ago

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