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Hubby & Booze


I've been a bit of a lurker on this site for a while, so thought I'd better come along as everyone seems to give great advice and is really friendly. I'm a bit shy...

I've been with DH for 12 years, married for 2 and we have been trying for a baby for a year, with no success. We have no children. I'm watching my weight and what I eat, taking folic acid, cut down on drinking etc, but I think one of the reasons lies with my husband, although I don't want to blame him for anything.

I love him very much, but his drinking disturbs me. He has always been a heavy drinker, but I've noticed it more since we've been TTC. I hope you're all sitting down because get this - he drinks an average of 3 bottles of strong wine a night! That's right - sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's never more than two nights without booze. Apart from his little swimmers being sozzled and swimming in the wrong dirction (that's if they are still there having been pickled) when he's been drinking like that he's hardly, umm, capable, if you know what I mean. He is only interested in sex on a Sunday morning, if he can be bothered, and he has to have the football on in the background. Believe me, I've tried nice undies, weekends away, seducing him, nagging him, trying to reason with him about the drinking, you name it, I've done it.

I'm now at my wits end and can't think of what else to do. He says he wants a family with me but I can't help feeling that actions speak louder than words. I love him very much, but am really starting to resent him. It's been like this for years and has got us into debt. He refuses to go out, even for a walk or to the cinema - he always has to be in front of the telly, night after night, week in week out. Is this what I have for the rest of my life? It's like purgatory.

Sorry for the long post. I live 150 miles away from friends and family and am friendless here as they've all been put off with the drinking. Just needed an ear to bend. Thanks.


  • Hi,just read your post & wanted to say hi & hope your ok, i've just read your post out to dh & we are both shocked by how much your hubby drinks,i'm amazed he hasn't got pancreas or liver problems have you seen your gp together about ttc & bringing up about your dh drinking? maybe hearing it from someone else might help or is there anyone in his family you could speak to?
    I have to say dosn't sound very romantic having the football on in the background think i'd have thrown something at the telly! hope your ok xo
  • Thanks Cloclo - unfortunately despite me, several friends and some of our family, including his brother, all saying that what he drinks is a tad excessive, he says he is fine and that you've got to die of something. I don't want him to die or get ill. I love him. He just says that I knew he was a drinker when we met at uni, but that's when we were students. Drinking lots was part of the job description - and that was over 10 years ago! I'm sure he's still over the limit when he goes to work in the morning. The amount we spend on booze, Gaviscon for his heartburn etc is frightening (and the recycling is just embarrassing). I think I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I think he'd rather stick a rusty nail in his eye than go to the doctor. LOL!

    Thanks for your kind words. image
  • Ooops - put wrong smiley at the end there, I'm a newbie! x
  • Could you maybe find something on internet about drinking & ttc & leave it lying around? Or sit down with him & tell him how much this is upsetting you although i've bet you've all ready tried this! will try to keep thinking of some solutions for you although i have wool for brains at the moment! & don't worry bout smily i'm always putting post in wrong forums & my spelling is terrible! xo
  • Thanks Cloclo, you're an absolute star - and congrats on your baby! Send some of that babydust my way..! He hasn't had too much tonight and has just come upstairs, so I may just try my luck. He he. x
  • Good luck sending heaps of baby dust to you! chat again soon xo
  • Hi Moggylover
    Just a quick question - how does your hubby honestly feel about TTC? Is this something he's really up for or is it something he's going along with. Sorry if that's come out wrong but I think the answer to that might help.
    If it's something he really wants he'd do something about his drinking.... unless he really can't help himself in which case you really need to spell it out to him the damage he's doing.
    I am worried that you say you've noticed that he is drinking more now that you are TTC which would make me question his commitment to it. It could be that he's just very scared and doesn't feel grown up enough or responsible enough to have a baby. (I think in my experience this is v common for blokes!!) and feels that having a baby means he will have to change his entire life and that's a scary thing for anyone, to move out of that comfort zone. Women tend to adapt much quicker than men (she says in a sweeping generalisation!!).

    You sound a bit cheesed off with your current situation - the wine, the debt, the telly/footie/Sunday morning routine so it might be worth trying to address these with him first and just back off from the ttc conversations for a while. Hopefully you can manage to cut down on the drinking and nights in front of the telly and start getting some more action in the bedroom department!!!
    Good luck and let us know how it goes!
    Take care
    (40 weeks 10 days!)
  • Hi moggylover.

    I know how u feel about some of your problems. Me and my oh already have 2 kids and out of the blue he said he wanted another.. we were trying for a year and a half and nothing happened, I did see my nurse about it that said there were options available to me, but it was a case of I fell really quick with my first 2 and this time it wasnt happening so it obviously werent ment to be. My oh and myself used to drink abit, although him more than me and we did have the discussion that he was sending his little men drunk which is why nothing was happening, lucky enough he was understanding and we both saw the funny side... another facter was I complained to him that we werent having a bit of this and that often enough.. again he was a sunday morning man, thankfully there was no footie on.. although its on every night anywas. Eventually though we have concieved and I must say his drinking has clamed down a bit...

    so I was wondering if perhaps he was feeling stressed as he does want to have a baby but its obviously not happening as quick as you would like and maybe he has some negative thoughts runnign around his head that he finds hard to talk to you about and the drinking is the only way he can get rid of his insecuritites...

    I hope that makes sense I know what Imean but sometimes it can be ahrder to write what u mean than say it!!!

    Hope it all happens for you soon Hun x

    Lisa x
  • aw hun, do u think maybe oh has a prob but dont want to admit it? my ex used to drink lots (with no days off) and still drinks a lot, but thankfully i dont have to deal with it anymore. its really hard to get through to blokes anyway but when it comes to manhood and babymaking its even harder, im sure u will have tried talking to him til ur blue in the face hun, do u think he would react to an ultimatum? ie stop the drinking or move out kinda thing, harsh i know but could be worth a try. also have u thought about if u did fall preggers and how u wld cope if oh was still drinking such large amounts, i really hope u manage to get through to him hun
    im sending u buckets of baby dust hun. xxxx
  • Thanks everyone, you're all so lovely - I've had a chat with him and he is adamant that he wants a child with me and that he's ready for it. I told him how concerned I was (and our friends) about the amount he is drinking and said I wasn't having a go, I'm just concerned about his health because I love him. He's said he'll try and give up the booze for a month and then we'll work on it from there. He doesn't think he's currently drinking too much, but hopefully some time on the wagon will make him feel better and see that you can enjoy a tipple in moderation rather than gallons of it every night and still have a good time. I'm feeling a bit more positive and will give him this opportunity to show me he means what he says. I think it will be an education for him. I love him and want to get us through this - I just don't honestly think he realises the damage he's been doing.

    I've pounced on him already so he's already reaping the rewards so to speak!! (grin) So we're past the Sunday morning routine already (slightly) !!!

    Thanks again and babydust to all of you.

    Moggs x
  • hope all goes well hun and hope u will be joining us on the preggers forum soon. xxx
  • Hi moggylover pleased things are going abit better i don't want to add to your worries but if your dh drinks as much as you say he does i would seek medical advice before he stops drinking completly & not to just stop straight away,i used to work for a surgical team who specialised in the liver & pancreas & i know they would advise people who drank as much as that not to stop straight away but to have medical help,sorry don't want to put a downer on your news xo
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