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sorry its long but i really need advice

A bit of background history, my mum had a problem that she loved having children and being pregnant that she couldnt stop and her urge to carry on procreating made her walk out on my dad leaving him to raise 6 kids alone when he said thats enough, she found a new man and had a 7th child. I hated her for leaving us but you see she only liked the pregnacy and small baby bit, so leaving us wasnt a issue for her.
My problem is im turning into my mum, EXCEPT i love all the stages of parenthood not just the baby and pregnancy bit and would never walk out on my kids. I have 3 aged 10,6, and 15mth (not the age gap i wanted but his ) i would dearly love a 4th to complete my family but he says no, it has nothing to do with finaces or space he just dosnt want any more at all. I cant bear the thought of never feeling a baby growing inside me again or gazing into the face of a newborn baby. I know i should be gratefull of what ive got and i truly am but it hurts so much inside and now i know how strong the desire was that made my mum leave.
What hurts me the most is the oh said if we had a accident he would still want and love it, so why cant he love and want a planned one?, i really dont understand that. I could never fake a accident as i want this child to be wanted by 2 parents. I have spoke about my feelings to him but he thinks i will get over it which i wont and i dont want to force him as he will only resent me and the baby, but instead i resent him, i love him so much yet hate him so aswell, i want him to feel myhurt and suffer my pain.
I know that when 2 people want differant things the person who says no gets there wish but its always me let down, i said lets get married he says no, so no it is, i say lets get a dog for the kids he says no, so no it is, i say lets try for a 4th he says no so, no it is. I know i hve to resepect his feelings on the matter but what about mine dont they count?
im so sorry for the long post i just wanted to get it out and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation before xxx

Replies

  • just to add since i reluctenly agreed to no more kids (didnt really have a choice) I cry at the slightest thing, cant sleep, cant eat and basicly feel so sad, empty and useless, i put a false smile on for the world and pretend everythings alright. everyone around me is planning or having babies and hubbys are happy to plan for there 4,5,6th child why cant he be like them? My breasts are still leaking milk even though i stopped feeding in may, its like my own body is tormenting me.
    i know im wallowing in self pity which is why im asking for help to snap out of it before it ruins my relationship. And please dont post if your going to tell me how i should stop being a ungratfull cow and be thankfull for what ive got as there are women that would love 1 child but cant , i know all this but i cant help the way IM feeling.
  • didn't want to read and run, but not sure I can help too much, as situation is different. We're still trying for our first, so I understand the longing for a newborn.

    Can't you try waiting 6months? or do you feel like you need to resolve this now? coz your youngest is still pretty small maybe when he/she gets a bigger oh might start to feel differently about having another one? also if that time passes and you still feel exactly the same, perhaps explaining that to him might make him realise it's not a whim, that this is really something you're longing for and that it's not going to change. But I guess you need to talk about final numbers too. If you have another one, are you going to feel exactly the same next time?

    sorry don't have more helpful advice, but sometimes just talking about it helps

    Gxx
  • i gather by your post he is not the kind of man not easily persuaded. you are obviously very unhappy and need to resolve this issue.

    have you ever spoken to anyone regarding your mother, this might help with some of the feelings you have, i doubt it will stop the longing but may help you to understand why you feel like this, i am sure your gp would be happy to refer you.

    one thing you are not and thats like your mother, yes you are unhappy at the situation but have said you would never leave your kids. i think you really need to sit down and gather your thoughs as to what you want and what you are happy to compromise with.

    if you are at the point where you are resenting him he needs to be told exactly how you feel, this may lead to you issuing an ultimatum but if you are at the point where you are hating him it may be an option although you may need to be prepared for a worse case senario

    for him to say he wouldnt mind an accident gives out mixed messages, he either does or doesnt want another, maybe he has issues and worries himself about another child.

    really hope you can sort this out and both get to a happier place x
  • Sadly there is no compromise here. Its either have a baby or not! Its not something you can meet in the middle on!

    Like gembags says, why not wait 6 months and then bring it up again. The fact he would be happy with an accident suggests he is not totally against the idea. Enjoy what you have and then see how things are as spring approaches.

    I have 5 kids and think I will always, always feel that urge to be pregnant again but, enough was enough. My baby and I nearly died and that was enough to shock me into been sterilised.

    I hope things work out for you.

    d xx
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