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I just feel so let down........again

Abi is teething at the moment and its upsetting her stomach so have been up nearly all night for the past few nights giving medicine, changing nappies, bedding - even my clothes at one poimt after she decided to "go" all over me and guess what help i have had from hubby ................complaints over needing to turn a light on, the fact the smell of her nappies was making him feel sick, that he cant go make her a bottle, get another nappy, run the bath for her as he is too tired as she has kept him awake!!! Due to the bank hol he hasworked no more than two hours each day since thursday, been asleep by 12 and today stayed in bed till midday!! I've been up at 5 each morning after about two hours of sleep and he doesnt understand why im getting annoyed at his unwillingness to help!!

After he walked out on mothers day, (long story!) he moved all his stuff the next day back to his parents. After a week apart, he admits he realised what a mistake he had made and we agreed to try and sort things out and h has been supposedly bringing his stuff back since. He has made numerous visits to his parents, sometimes three and four times a day, not getting home till really late, including three visits yesterday, three times meeting up with his parents and then three visits today so far to get his things but he still hasnt brought anything back.

He owes me nearly ??300 which is money he took from my bank account last november without my knowledge - i didnt even know he had my card!! - and had promised to pay the bill this month for our storage unit as our furniture is in storege as we are staying with my parents as we got kicked out ofour house as he had not paid the rent but had been telling me he had. I told him i needed it all back and that the storage paymnent was going out ofmy account on thurs just gone and he promised i would have it from him as he was getting paid a week ago friday. Turns out he got paid by cheque and even though i said he would need to pay the cheque in the same day to make sure it cleared in time due to the bank holiday and he agreed, he left it till saturday so now the cheque wont clear till tuesday, so he told me he had sorted out thursday to get the money from his dad and wouldpay his dad back tuesday. Well, the payment went out, leaving me with just enough to get medicine yesterday that Abi needed and now I have nothing left. He told me at teatime yesterday he was seeing his dad to get the money, this changed to meeting him at 9, then that he was coming here to drop it at 10. He disappeared off for 30 mins around 10ish as his dad doesnt like the street my parents live on so will only meet him at the top of the street. We went to bed around 11.30 at which point i asked about the money and he saidhis dad had only brought ??20 ofit but was going to the atm, on his way home and would put it safe in my hubbys old room for him to pick up today. Whenever this has been promised in the past, its never happened so i didnt hold out much hope. Lo and behold when hubby went to his parents today, there was nothing waiting for him and no one in.. he came back here after waiting two hours and no one had returned. his dad rang at about 4 to say he was home and hubby set straight off. When hegot there, his parents had gone back out, still not left anything and then hubby was called into work for anhour. He got to work at 6.30 and rang at 2 mins to 10 to say he hadjust left work and was going back to his parents to drop his mums car back off and pick up the money. I asked him if he had asked why they had been messing him about today and he just had a go at me for putting his parents down!! I dont understand why everything has turn into such a drama with him, why something cant be agreed and then just happen like it does with my family!!! I dont just mean with money, ive been asking for two days for him to bring a heavy washing basket upstairs and i ended up doing it today!!

I've already told him i think it might b a goodidea to go see a relationship counselling service and he agreed. I thought id see how much he meant it and a week ago asked him to arrange something and he's still not done anything about it. Probably a good thing that ive already done it without him knowing!!

Even after me telling him i needed more help from him if things were going to work, he has made maybe three bottles in the last week, fallen straight back to sleep with Abi screaming at his side wanting comforting while ive got her bottle, nappy and clothes together. She is in agony with teething and has a bit of a tummy bug so isnt herself at the mo. I rang the docs friday and spent the last money i had on medicines, milk, nappies for and knowing this and knowing that he still hasnt paid me back as promised, asked me yesterday to go to macdonalds for him some food and would pay me back today. I got upset as i was exhausted and that just made me feel walked allover and said that i wasnt willng to and didnt hve the money anyway, he got really defensive and just snapped at me saying " dont be offhand with me, i only asked and id forgotten you wouldn't have enough money"

Im so so tired, its not as though i need or want him to take over looking fter Abi (the two times he has tried to, he gave up after 5 mins! and shes 24 weeks now so is used to it being me looking after what she needs) i just wish he would make an effort in other ways, like keeping promises, so that im not constantly worrying whether he is going to do as he has said.

I really do wonder at times if there is any point going to see the counsellor as even being apart doesnt seem to have made him realise he needs to keep to his word when he says he knows he needs to change his attitude and promises to act differently. We havent even been married a year yet!!!

Replies

  • Wow, what a post!! I'm really sorry to say this but he sounds like a complete leech to me and i'm talking from experience. You already have 1 child to look after, you don't need to be looking after a grown man too!! This man is bleeding you dry and taking money that should be used on your child. You mentioned he borrowed ??300 from your bank account without you knowing, this is stealing!! I wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him and it sounds like you would be so much better on your own. As much as he may plead that he'll change, he won't, there will always be someone that needs him or his attention more than you. I finally got rid of my ex when my son was 4 and it was the best decision i ever made, you need to look out for number 1 which is you and your daughter. Sorry to sound so negative, I really hope you get your situation sorted soon xx
  • No need for apologies, i feel just as negative!! Thank you so so much for replying.

    More has kicked off today as I received a phone call from his mother, having a go about me not going to their house and not letting Abi go up. I explained that their comments and actions have made me feel unwelcome around my own child when in their company and that their comments in the past about contact and custody orders has given me a serious and real belief that if she goes up there she will not come home, topped by the fact that her own father cannot even change her nappy!!! A man who has had arrest warrents out on him, bailiffs searching for him, been jumped and mugged numerous times due to debts owed and not repaid and cant even change a nappy is not exactly the right type of person to be in charge of a childs welfare. He hasnt even bought her anything!!!

    Ive told his mother today that me and hubby had agreed we will make arrangements once we are in our own house for them to visit Abi but that I dont want her going to their house and that they need to respect that we need to sort our relationship out between hubby and i before anything else and all i got was a comment that that was unfair on them (are they realy adults???!!!) and being told that if we have issues we need to sort them, i sort of lost it and told her not to start telling me what i need to do, that i was dealing with everything, i am not the one who seems to resent that our lives and priorities have changed, i am the one who does everything at home and that is should be her own son she is telling. She then asked if i actually let him change Abi, feed her etc!!!!!! So he is obviously being all woe is me in front of them and saying that i stop him doing anything for her!!!!

    He has kicked off at me (!!) after i called him and told him what had happened and even though he had said he realised he needed to accept there will be no contact or anything between me and his family only last night, he is still saying he hates how rude i am to his family and cant understand why i cant just get on with them for his sake! Has also said in one call that he wants to talk when he gets back after work and in another that he doesnt know if he is going to comeback. So has effectively gone running back to mummy and daddy again.

    Promised last night that he would meet me at the bank at 4 today to give me the money he owes then at 2 today said he would be working late so would ring straight away and transfer it all, i checked at half four - no money and just had a call at quarter past 7 to say he was just about to ring them.

    He is still adamant thati am wrong to be focusing on getting some security for Abi and me and be feeling some sympathy for what he is going through and gratitude for the fact that the whole situation is on him to sort out. The situation that he has caused!!!

    No idea what is going to happen now, my head is in a spin.

    Oh and she said i am not normal for wanting to spend my time with my baby and be ok with being apart from her for other peoples sake and my hubby has told me his dad has said he thinks i have a mental illness!!

    Ive left a message with solicitors partner for her to ring me when she is back in next week but they have said to ring them anytime if i need them to write to either my husband or his parents.





    [Modified by: JennyLG on April 06, 2010 08:11 PM]

  • sorry if im just annoying anyone, just trying to clear my head a bit..

    Well, i texted at about half 8 to ask if he had rung the bank, he didnt call me back until 9.20 to say that he had called and i needed to check my acount but that his credit had run out halfway through the call to the bank and he had only just got to his parents house where he could call from. I checked and told him it hadnt gone through and he said i can meet him at half 10 tomorrow at the bank to get the money.

    He asked if he should come back here or whether i wanted him to stay there tonight. I told him he had to make his own mind up, i was not going to make that decision for him. He started saying he doesnt know what he wants as i have hurt him too much and let him down and tha
    the wants the old me back that was happy, who showed i cared about him, who got on with people. I asked him if by getting on with people he meant his parents, he then denied saying anything about other people and that he had said he wanted the me that was happy, that showed i cared and that was all he had said.

    He accused me of stopping him from seeing his friends and that there is stuff coming up in the next month that he knows i would not be willing to go to and would stop him from going and that ive always stopped him from going. I said yes, when we had no money, i said it was not fair to spend money drinking and partying when bills were not getting paid. He then said in the week we spent apart he felt like he had a life again and that when he is here with me, he doesnt feel like he has and that he has to watch what he says and does. Also that he realised then as he spent most of the time with his mates, that he has really close friends that he could have lost because of me and that i had also tried to stop him seeing his family. I asked when and he said by me not going with him, it makes it impossible for him to go. Grow up man!!!!

    He said he thought he would stay at his parents house tonight as he didnt want to come back to an argument and that its my doing as if i would just be amicable and get on with his family, there wouldnt be any issues between us. so, they can say anything they want about me, accuse me of having a mental illness, make threats to take my daughter and ive just to think they are upset and angry and just forget it. Not a chance!!!!
  • Hi Jenny,
    You really are going through it aren't you. I've been in a similar situation myself, my sons father was a complete waste of space, always in and out of work, his reason for leaving jobs was because there was always someone who had it in for him, he never realised that he was the one with the problems. When he was working he used to get his wages each week and work out the following, 1. money for clothes, 2. money to go out with his friends, 3. money to buy his weed!! Then I would get what was left which was never more than ??20 a week. We looked at buying a house together when i was pregnant, he couldn't get a mortgage because of having a bad credit history so i bought the house on my own, it was the best thing I ever did. When we split up i asked him to move out in the August, he didn't leave until the following March. He spent everyday in the house while I was working and as i found out when the bills came in he must have had every light and applicance going all day as the bills were horrendous, he also spent hours on the phone to friends calling mobiles from my landline. He ran up debts at my address, but i made sure they went with him when he left!! He then went to see a solictor claiming he could get half of the value of the house from me but nothing ever came of that so i presume he was laughed out of the door!! It annoys me to think that he would have actually tried to force me to sell the home his son lives in so he could have a few quid in his pocket!! And as for the mental health problems your OH claims you have, I apparently had these too!! According to my ex i was suffering from post natal depression for 3 years and that was my reason for ending things, I was also apparently screwing every guy i passed in the street, this is what he told our son anyway!! During this time i managed to look after my son whilst working full time too, we must be super women to do all this with mental health problems!! My ex was a control freak and so is your OH, he is bleeding you dry and you really need to concentrate on you and your daughter. It will hurt like hell and you'll get grief from him and his family until your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions. My son stays with his dad every other weekend, he's 10 now and can't stand going to his dads house. One thing you should do though is never say a bad word about your OH to your daughter. I've never said anything to my son and he started realising in the last couple of years what his father is truly like and i'm not the bad guy!! I've also been in a relationship with my current partner for just over 5 years now and he is perfect (well almost) and 100 times the man my ex was, we're also expecting twins together. So you may not see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but you deserve so much better, you sound like you are a great mother and you put your daughters needs first. Just remember Abi won't grow up a happy child unless she has a happy mummy. Sending you a much deserved hug xx
  • Thank you again for "listening". I feel so hurt and angry but i met him today so he could see Abi and anything he said that i knew he was trying to cause an argument with, i ignored.

    He slipped up though....... he started saying his mum's car (which he borrows at the moment) needs a full service, new tyre and brake pads and that he has told her he will pay and get it all done for her!!! After making loads of excuses why he still hasnt given me my money back and i had to argue to get something from him as Abi needed food and nasal drops.

    On a positive note, have been and picked up the forms to rejig my benefits, spoken to the Sure Start group leader and she is going to put me in with the CAB advisor they work with, contacted our old landlords to advise again whats happening and that i will get the arrears he left with them looked into, took Abi to docs about her feeding and told them whats going on and the comments i am getting from his side. They have said they will comply with any requests made for information about Abi's welfare if required and said any report made will go all in my favour and would recommend she is to stay in my presence at all times. They have said again that there is no sign from me of any depression or mental illness and i have their full backing.
  • Hi Jenny,
    You sound so more positive in your last message. I'm really glad you are starting to get sorted out. It would be an ideal world if everything sorts itself out and you don't need to use the information you are seeking against your OH, but it's good to have things ready just in case you need them. As for paying for his Mum's service etc, what a saint. Boys never leave their mothers apron strings and again it sounds as though he's putting someone else first. Although i'm not sure i'd believe the story about paying for the service, sounds like another excuse!! You will be entitled to more benefits if he is technically not living with you now and in the long run you are doing the right thing. You take care of yourself and Abi xx
  • Well, after a few weeks of mostly up-times with a couple of lows while trying to get our relationship back on track, during which the council gave me a house which is now being decorated so we can move in asap, hubby has got a new job that started last week and is going well mostly except that he feels it is too far to catch buses to so has been borrowing his mums car but then spending hours each day running around either picking up or dropping off the car, giving lifts to his sister, mum etc, all the while pushing for the house to be finished so we can move in but him barely helping!!

    Now today it has come out that he wants to get in so that he can start getting his parents over to see Abi!! This came out as everything has been quite good between us this week and then this morning he started nagging to take Abi to his parents. I said no and that he knew why it was and always would be no and that i didnt understand why he wont just accept it. He walked off out to his parents as usual after saying its causing arguments.

    About 2 hours later, i met him at the new house and he was being really nasty, refusing again to accept or admit that there has been any wrong done by his parents. We went over again all the old arguments and he still says he agrees with them that they have done nothing wrong. It just showed me that he is still far too tied to them when he said he needs their help getting to work so he is not going to argue with them. I said there is nothing wrong in him getting buses and he admitted that he doesnt see why he should have to catch buses when if he stays on good terms with his parents, he can use his mums car.

    I told him if thats the case, then he needs to decide what he actually wants more, them and their car or to be a family with Abi and me. He said he refuses to answer and walked ou to go to his mates and will speak to me when I've calmed down. Told him calming down is not going to change my mind and he just repeated he was going to his mates and would try and sort things out once I've calmed down. Does nothing get through to him??!!

    Even my mum has tried talking to him saying that he can tell i am serious about Abi not going to their house and that he should know me well enough to know that I wont back down just because he natters me about it.

    If the only reason he is here and wanting to get into the house is for his parents to see Abi, then he is here for the wrong reason.
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