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I am ready but husband is not


I was hoping for some advice and experience from others to help me. I am 35 and have been with my husband (he is 40 ) for 15 years. It has been in the last 18 months or so that I have become increasingly broody as I feel my biological clock ticking. I am worried that time is running out to keep 'putting off the decision' to have a baby.

I have been trying to discuss this more fully with my husband but he is very reluctant/unable to talk about it. He feels it is not right to bring a baby into this bad society environment (not our personal environment, we both have good jobs, own our own house etc).

Babies/children has been mentioned throughout our relationship but never so seriously as we always had time on our side - but not anymore. He keep asking me why I want a baby which I am finding difficult to put into words that don't sound cliched or selfish.

Did your OH all want babies or did they need 'persuading/encouraging' ? I want it to be a descion we both make together but I am afraid he will never.



  • Hi there

    Didn't want to read and run.....I have a similar problem in that I found out I was pregnant on Friday and my OH is not too keen on the idea. We were not ttc and I guess you could say it was a bit of an accident. That being said I am very happy about it and although I am only 27 I do feel like I am ready for it and have been for some time.

    On the other hand the OH does not feel ready, he thinks we are still too young and that the time is not quite right. My conversations with him have just been around the fact that it is never a good time to bring a baby into the world and you can prepare for it for years but when the time comes it still might not feel right!

    I know what you mean about explaining your feelings in a non-cliche way, its really hard.

    I know that for us writing things down helped, maybe write your feelings down and then try to talk to him or write him a letter, given him the chance to do the same and hopefully this will help you both explain how you are feeling!

    Sorry I couldn't be more help. I hope everything works out ok!
    Shelby x
  • I never had the problem as my husband has always wanted kids but I have several childless friends over 40 who all regret not having kids when they could have.

    The men in their lives can father a child till the day they die but women have a sell by date & so do you (metaphorically speaking) So my advice is, if you are broody then you have to tell him that you want a baby & the reason why & what it will mean to you if you don't, no matter how corny.

    And to be perfectly blunt here, if you have any problems conceiving you wont have the luxury of time to investigate & try to fix them. You are considered an older mum now but a couple of years more you wont get any help with fertility treatments if you need them & will be placing yourself & the baby at higher risk too.
  • my OH didnt want children untill he was 30, he is now 22 and we are trying for our 3rd,( had 2 previous miscarriages, ) most men and scared about the responsibility. well i no my OH was,
  • I struggled to convince my other half, I was 32 at the time, I'm 34 and I finally had my lo 6 months ago. I think it does take a fair bit of talking through, I had to really take time to get out of my hubby exactly what the issues were, he was scared, worried it would change us (we've been together 10 years), worried he wouldn't be a good father? I find the real issue is rarely the first answer they come out with?

    I basically told him what I wanted and suggested I came off of the pill even though he wasn't sure. In hindsight it was the wrong thing to do, i just ploughed ahead regardless and he basically stopped sleeping with me! It took a lot of convincing and he was still unsure through the pregnancy, but hell, so was I! I would say one thing though, it got to the point where I would have lied about contraception and got pregnant at the risk of my relationship, it consumed me that much. Luckily i didn't have to but I think what I'm trying to say is spend the time talking and convincing but ultimately you need to think about what is more important to you if he sticks to his guns and says no?

  • We discussed it for years and although OH has a 14 yr old son from a previous relationship he always said that he didn't want to have any more kids until he was 30 (he was 18 when his son was born). I am now pregnant with my first but OH is 33 next month so we were TTC for 2.5 years. I'm 36 and was starting to think it wouldn't ever happen. Even though he was delighted when we finally got the positive result he was still nervous about it. I think thats just a male thing xx
  • I was in a relationship a few years ago where my OH refused to even consider the idea of kids. I was 37 at the time and although I was prepared to wait a bit, I did need some kind of indication that it was going to be an option for me. I remember talking to my Dad about it and he surprised me by basically saying I should go ahead and get pregnant without telling OH. He said that he'd never felt ready for any of his (4) kids but the minute they'd arrived he'd loved them to bits, and that very very few men would ever turn round and say "Yes, I'm ready for kids now".

    This has been born out by a lot of male friends and relatives.

    We split up over that and some other issues in the end. I'm 39 now and expecting junior no. 1 by donor sperm. I've never doubted that I made the right decision but you have a long and happy marriage behind you so it's all so very much more complicated.

    I really hope your husband comes round, and that you find a way. Good luck!
  • Wholenut - I can totally sympathise with you in fact I could have written a lot of your post myself. If you look at 'my other topics' I have been posting on a very similar topic to you over the last few days. I really really want children, but hubby wont commit to a date and wont even talk about it very much with me. I am only 25, but know that I am going to have fertility problems due to irregular periods and tests, and hubby is 39 so I really don't want to keep waiting with no clear date.
    If you ever feel like dropping me a line it would be lovely to chat about it. The ladies on here are all so kind and supportive - but I can't help feeling a bit out of it not being pregnant or even TTCing yet.
    I just find it somewhat frustrating and it is really beginning to get me down as financially there is no reason to wait.
    Oh just realised your post was a while ago - hope you got everything sorted
  • Hiya hon,
    This is a really emotive subject. Maybe not what you want to hear but i want to share what has happened to my sister and her oh. She was 38 and him 43 when they concieved. They had been together 15 yrs just like you. They both have great jobs, gorgeous house and cars and during their time together had wonderful hols. my sis felt that the time was right for a baby and even though her oh wasnt 'sure' (what man is!!) luckily enough she caught after only a few months of trying and in January gave birth to my amazing nephew. Now he was poorly with reflux so granted the first few months were extremely difficult, but my bil has really struggled and consequently my sister has suffered. He loves the little one to bits but the change of life has really hit him hard, so much so he has admitted to my sis that he is really depressed. He is also suffering with anxiety. He ducks out of doing anything as a family, struggles to spend time alone with the bub and is generally a stressed out miserable shadow of his former self. Its all really sad cos the bubs is just perfect in everyway and my sis is a truly wonderful mum. Thankfully she is loving motherhood but the whole thing is tinged with sadness at the moment. My sis even told him to leave the marriage and home if it would make him happier. He doesnt want that, we think he just wants his old life back that he had for 43 yrs. I would imagine at that age it is difficult to adjust. Having a baby changes everything. For me i had my dd seven yrs ago when i was 27 and it took me six yrs to pursuade my oh to ttc. I finally had my ds in June this year. My oh would happily have had no children or maybe just our dd but amazingly changed his mind last Sept and HE suggested we ttc after i had given up nagging. its so hard to decide what to do, but what i would say is that as hard as things are for my sis she says she wouldnt change her decision if she could turn back time. They have decided that they will never have any more children as her oh would never be able to cope.
    Just thought i would share our experiences with you.
    Being a mum is the most rewarding job in the world and any woman that WANTS to be a mum should be given that opportunity by the man who loves her.
    Good luck hon
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