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Sad and Lonely

I don't get to post on here very much if at all anymore. With 3 young children life seems very hectic. I just didn't know where else to vent this its been building up for such a while and I just need to let it out.



Basically my little boy T was born in Feb and he was our little surprise baby. We had agreed in principle that we would just have 2 children and when I fell pregnant with T it was a bit shock however I was so over the moon to be having another baby. My husband was shell shocked but when T was born he agreed that this was the best thing that had ever happened to us, however he was adament that he was 40 and this would have to be the last baby. I certainly understood where he was coming from but having just given birth it really wasn't something I was particularly concerned about!!! He then made an appointment to see the GP to arrange having a vasectomy, I wasn't sure how I felt about it but felt I should support his decision and with 3 children to consider my mind was elsewhere. So thinking that the GP would tell him that at T being only 2 weeks old that he would need to return when T was a year old I wasn't particularly concerned about it. So he came home and told me the GP had agreed not a problem and that he had sent the referral letter off and to wait for an appointment. Again I thought this would be a long process so again it came as a shock that an appointment came through for April. The day before the appointment I had a complete meltdown and just told my husband that I didn't think it was the right decision at this time and would he consider just going for the consultation and not actually going through with the entire procedure. He said that he was sure that he didn't want anymore children and felt that this was the only sound way of ensuring that would be definitely the case, I felt that me being only 30 we should consider less permanent forms of contraception until T was a year old.

On the morning of the booked procedure I just couldn't stop crying uncontrollably I drove him over begging him to reconsider his decision, I should also add the my precious little boy had been ill and in hospital with broncilitus the week leading up to the procedure and it was such an emotional time on top of everything else that I thought this was the wrong decision for us. When he got out of the car and went in to the centre I was sure that he would just go through consultation and then advise them that he would book the procedure for a later date. I went to a friends with my children to wait for his call. His appointment was at 845am and he called me at 930am so I was sure that this was what he had done. On the phone I said are we good then and he told me he had gone ahead and had the procedure done anyway.

I can't explain my devastation and to this day I am not really sure what has hurt me the most whether he had it done or the fact that he just seemingly disregarded my feelings completely.

When I picked him up, he was shocked that I was so devastated and informed me that he thought my crying was just me being hormonal rather than serious, I still can't believe that the man I am married to and have 3 children with belittled my feelings in this way. To add insult to injury when he realised that I hadn't wanted him to go ahead with it he then went on to tell me that he wished he had not gone ahead with the procedure and only did it because he felt that if he didn't that he would look like a coward. So rather than face a little ribbing he choose to betray me.

It is not in essence that I have a desire to have more children however to have the possibility taken away from me (I would never have children with someone else) has left me totally destroyed and I can't forgive him for what he has done. Some of you who read this may think that I am being ridiculous and overreacting I am sure to a degree some maybe right but I can't put into words what this has done to me. Since having the procedure my husband and I have not had any intimate contact and I just have no desire to either. As yet he has not had to give his final sample to see whether he has a clear result (i.e no sperm present) that is due in early August and I just have no idea how I am going to react. My husband seems to think that everything is rosy and that as soon as he has the clear result that he'll be jumping in and out of the sack with me every 5 mins... It frightens me that I just can't imagine that being the case. He totally destroyed my trust in him and I don't know if he can ever rebuild that.

So I would say to any couple who are considering the procedure please please think really long and hard about it, once its done its done. If I could afford to attempt a reversal now then I would beg my husband to have it done. Its expensive and the chances of success are not great.

I don't expect anyone to respond I just needed to get this out and probably have a good cry about it again which I have been doing the whole time of typing.

I am so grateful for my wonderful children I have and know I am enormously lucky even to have them in my life.

I certainly hope this doesn't offend anyone.

Who knows what the future holds and I certainly don't know at this moment in time image

Replies

  • Hi Gem,

    This is such a sad thing to happen. I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. It is the total disreguard of your feelings towards the procedure that hurts- not the actual procedure. The decision he has taken effects both of you equally and he should never have done this without you both being agreed on this being what you both want. If you weren't ready to decide just yet he should have given you the space you needed until you were ready. As you said before there are other methods of birth control that could be used in the mean time. I know not the same but how would he have felt if you decided to terminate your pregnancy without his agreement? Angry, hurt, let down by you...having a baby is as much a joint decision as never having a baby again is.



    All that being said, he is still the man you love. You have three beautiful children. He is only human, men being men are very stubborn and because of this he has made a stupid, stupid mistake. He can't take this hurt he's caused you away but he can make sure that he never, ever lets you down like this again. If you can write everything down in a letter to him like you did above, explaining how everything is not alright, how you feel he has destroyed your trust and how at the minute you have no desire to be physically close to him because of how he's hurt you. Otherwise he may well go along thinking everything is fine unless you literally spell things out to him. He may never truely make up for what he has done but the pain will ease in time and he at least deserves the chance to try and rebuild the trust you have lost in him. Don't let it fester away without working through it, it will only eat away at your love for him by harbouring resentment and bitterness.



    I hope things improve and he makes up for what a selfish idiot he's been!

    Take Care

    Sarah x
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