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Insensitive hubby

Hi, I just needed a lil advice n comfort abt da lack of understanding and affection I'm getting from my hubby. I mean it's not a new thing, he's always been like that, and sumtimes I argue wit him, other times I ignore him, but now that I'm pregnant it's more hurtful......... I WANT him to say to me to take care of myself, to take things easy, to rest when I can cos he's there to help me, but he doesn't. Even his family r all doting and caring towards his pregnant sister, but I always get the back seat. But I can take it from his family, it just hurts more wen its from him. It's our fourth child but our last 2 were surprised so I always Thot that his lack of affection n sensitivity was becos the babies weren't planned, and he doesn't take an interest until they're like 4 months old, and then from there on he's a brilliant n doting dad, but I never get that attention or affection from him (unless we r in da bedroom) I try talking but he just laffs at me n says that it's no big deal. He's started calling me fat n wen I say it was just bloating he laffed at me, n wen I say I'm really tired he takes da piss out of me n tries to make me sit up with him til later n if I dnt then he makes me sound like a party pooper, he doesn't care if I've takin my meds or insulin, if Ive eaten or not, if I'm tired or not, he laffs at me if I'm hormonal n want a hug, I just dnt kno how to get thru to him, it's not like he doesn't kno how to b caring, cos he is, to his daughters n his sisters, just not me image Am I asking for too much n shud just let him b da way he is? Or do I try talkin it out wit him again, even tho at da bottom of my heart I kno he'l never change........ I feel really really bad saying this, but I'm only being honest so u get da tru pic of how bad I feel, but I am actually secretly hoping that I miscarry, or bleed or just something happens to make him kno, to SHOW him n make him feel guilty that he wasn't looking out for me like he shud b doin........ Ido feel terrible saying all this, becos I did have a mc before. It was my first pregnancy but my hubby wasn't with me at the time. He was still awaiting his visa in Pakistan so I had to go thru all the emotional and physical pain by myself which is why I may sound like I'm maybe attention seeking in pregnancy, but it's cos of my mc and I wudnt want to go thru that again, but my hubby has made me a laffing stock to all my in laws saying that I'm really sensitive n always running to da hospital over da tiniest things n wasting mine and my docs time and stuff........ Wat shud I do? Pls help


  • Hello ruby, he sounds like a real grot of a husband but as you said and you know in your heart that he won't change, give him an ultimatum, change or I am leaving!you are not asking to much, you need support when pregnant. How far pregnant are you? Do not worry about the family, you are I dependant woman and not wasting dr time.if you are strong enough I would be putting money aside because he may try and stop you having money and get the hell out of there,how long have you been married? Where abouts are you in the world?
  • Leaving is not an option unfortunately, there's too much at stake, and ontop of that I am a Muslim and divorce is shunned upon. I live in da UK, Scotland. I had an episode of wanting to leave him last year, but I just Cudnt do it, n ontop of that my family said they wudnt support me, which wud have been really hard for me as I stay ill n need surgeries a lot.

    He is an asshole but then again most guys r, aren't they!

    I'm 8 weeks on fri.
  • Unfortunately then if you can't and wont leave him and he won't change you have no other choice but to live with it. I don't know any agencies that could support you if you did leave, would you consider termination of pregnancy? If your family won't support you and you did leave you would find other sources of support, friends?
  • To be honest, no, most men aren't like that!! I really feel for you as it sounds like you are going through a horrendous time!! I don't have much knowledge on your culture so do not fully understand why you cannot leave?? If that isn't an option can you seperate for a short time? This might make him realise what he could potentially lose and snap him out of this disgraceful behaviour?

    If he won't listen then try having a heart to heart with your family about it, drop all barriers and explain exactly what his behaviour is doing to you, they might not condone you leaving him but they might offer you some extra support!

    I truly hope this issue gets resolved of at least eased for you!! Good luck x
  • My hubby rubbish both times round ... It was tiering & emotionally hurt me, & he didn't show any interest in either untill 11+ months !! To be honest huni I think deep down u know exactly what he's like & what he will be like when baby is here ( uv done it before & u can do it again ) so if I were u I would take 20 mins every day have a bath lock the door so the kids can't join u & relax !! I have no idea on how hard it must be eg: following ur religion / culture as I don't really follow any but try & keep strong maybe join a mummy & baby group & I'm sure u will be very suprised on how many men r like ur husband. Best of luck X
  • Not all men are like this at all.  My husband was and still is extremely supportive of me and our family, we'll have our disagreements at times but we stand firm together when it counts.

    Much as I hate to say it, having read your opening post it sounds like both of you are unhappy with things as they currently stand and you need to talk to work it out.  My advice is the two of you should work on achieving common ground (what you both want in your home and meeting half way) through mediation (third party chair) if needed or you can go on living what is effectively a lie (playing happy family when you're unhappy).

    What you are going through is effectively emotional abuse and there is plenty of options/support out there if you know where to look (talk to your GP, Citizens Advice, your local Samaritans, your local shelter/hospice).  As for divorce being frowned upon by your faith, I was christened a Catholic but have married in a registry office and used contraception both of which are frowned upon by the Catholic faith (sometimes you need to let your own common sense prevail over religion to help maintain your health and sanity).  I hope you can find a happy ending.  Best wishes.

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