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I feel so vulnerable

I m 20 and living with my boyfriend for a year. We first met when I was 18. He is a year older than me, so we both are still young. I m pregnant for about 25 weeks now and badly regreting to tell anybody but him. 

When we found out we had two friends of him staying over night, sure didnt tell them but we had no time to talk about it quite enough. (I felt so bad, stood in bed almost all day long so we had to check if I was pregnant or had to see a doctor quite away) 

We did not send them home cause it was already evening so we just had to hide it. 

Day after that we told it his and my best friend. So two people knew it already. 2 weeks later we told it his parents and siblings, he did, i stood home, I have had really bad first months. From that day on everybody knew it because of his parents. (Was about 6th week of pregnancy, we knew it from 4th on.) They are good parents and I really like them but even bevore I was pregnant I did not want to see them as often as we did. I have no contact to my mom for longer than a year now, we broke because of several problems. I sure still love her but cannot forgive right now and dont want that to bother while pregnancy because I dont want my baby to die because I am too stressed. My father died when I was 12. I have had no family for a long time and now they act as if it was normal just to accept them as family and live like i always had them. Its a wonder itself that I live with christopher and want to have him around me. Nobody understands that. 

Now, we are waiting for our baby and everybody seems starting to hate me. There is no appreciation for how I react. I dont want to phone. I dont have anything to tell on the phone! I get stressed from that and bad hurts. Shall I make my baby die because they want to talk? Everybody wants to see us, all of his friends parents my friends. I dont want to see anybody. He stands up early int the morning, 5 am, comes home about 3 pm. He works in the woods and is really tired after work, always, so I am alone about all week long. Weekends are always stress. Its hard to have time for one another when everybody has the feeling to never see him so often I say let them come here. Its rare to have two weekends with him in a row. Last weekend he slept all over expect half sunday. Thats my weekend then, half sunday. And people who have families and a lot of friends act as if they die not to see him for a month. 

Im suffering from nightmares and often waking up crying. I dont like people to sleep here because of that. And I wouldn not sleep anywhere else since I was pregnant but I had to several times because if I dont, I m alone weekends as well. 

I feel alone and frustrated and wished to just leave as soon as the baby is born and just let them have their family. Even if he tells he needs me, its a lie because he does not know the feeling of needing somebody because he always had several people who would be there and help him. I have him and cannot trust anybody else. I got hurt too often. 

What should I do? How should I love their baby? I dont want to hurt him but I do by being sad. I dont want people to come close because I dont want to get hurt and hurt my baby. 

 

thanks for having the time to read

Replies

  • Hi mamamorrow,

    From reading your post hon I would advise you get in touch with somebody you feel able to talk openly to - your Midwife, doctor, friend, helpline...There is a very real chance you are experiencing Antenatal Depression (You won't be the first nor the last to do so) & talking to the right person will help you to feel better about both yourself & the baby you are going to have.

    You do have a lot to cope with at present - your emotions will be all over the place as your hormones prepare you for parenthood, you'll be wanting to prepare for baby's arrival whilst also somehwhat fighting the fear of change once baby does arrive, you'll be nervous of how you'll manage with a newborn (costs, having to actually look after a new baby...) & whilst other people may mean well by wanting to visit & spend time with you, you will feel easily tired & stressed.

    There is support available out there, even on here if you need it.  Best wishes & take care of yourself. X

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