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Is my other half pulling his weight?

I feel like I could really use a second opinion, in case my expectations are unreasonable….

I have a 2 1/2 year old son, and now also an 8 week old son with my partner of 5 years.  I am the stay at home mum while he works, as he is the higher wage earner.   He started at a new job the day he returned back to work from his 2 wks paternity leave (bad timing, but his choice!) and it involves more stress and longer hours, plus longer commute.  Thus he is out of the house from around 7.30am - 8.30pm weekdays, but is always home at the weekends.  

I am therefore doing everything during the week for both boys, and all the nightime stuff as well as when he gets home he has a quick dinner and goes to bed in the spare room as he needs a full nights sleep to be able to function at work.  At the weekends he needs to recharge his batteries and is exhausted after his busy week, so it's rare I get a full nights sleep or any time to myself.  I'm starting to feel a bit hard done by, but maybe I'm just wallowing after a hard day.  Any thoughts?  I don't know if most dad's sleep in the spare room on work nights, or if this is common?

Thanks - feeling quite alone. 



  • Hiya, tbh in the first six months you do whatever works to get thru the day/ night.

    With our 2 nd my OH worked nights so I did all the night stuff, and tried to keep kids quiet in the day so oh could sleep - 

    I think that when baby is regularly sleeping thru the night and the daily routine gets a bit easier to flow with ( because it does x ) you can suggest there's no reason for him to be in the spare room, I'd just give it some more time for everyone involved to settle into a new chapter of life, new baby and a new job us sometimes overwhelming on its own but together it has to be tough!  BUT that dosnt mean hubby has to be anti social or a hermit! 

    Maybe get baby routine done a bit earlier so you have time to relax and have a chat / meal/ watch a DVD together ? Or suggest a baby free evening out ( if you have sitters?)

    All in all - from one stay at home mom to another, while he is working these silly hours its down to you....if you want anything to happen / change its usually the wife who will say I want I need etc

    While everything settles down tho I'd enjoy being a mom, and maybe have a quick chat on how bad you feel about everything he is missing, not just with his son but you too 

  • I think as busymamma says you need to sit down and discuss this with your husband - it may be he also feels he has taken on too much with his job and wants to have the family time too but just doesn't know how he can have both. 

    My girls dad was a workaholic and missed out on their early days so much and I know he deeply regrets this. We are divorced now but this was one of many many reasons why we did split eventually (please don't think I'm saying this will happen to you there were my other factors for us) We didn't sit down and discuss things until it literally came to breaking point. The early years go so fast my girls are 5 & 7 now and I'm due with my 3rd (new partner) very soon and I have and will learn from what happened before...fortunately his job isn't as demanding as your OH sounds he leaves early but he is home by 6 each evening and I always make sure we eat together (which i never did with my ex)and at least twice a week we sit down and eat as a family. At the moment I am still working and my heart says I shall return once my 39 weeks mat leave is over because I also felt that I only had one identity when the girls were small and that was mummy/housekeeper. Perhaps there are just a few changes you could make which will make a BIG difference to you all- maybe the meal in the evenings together ? Maybe you can take a class or go to the gym at the weekends just so you can be you for an hour or so and your OH can get some quality time with your boys...and also realise how much you do when he isn't around.

    I'm afraid you will have to be the one to say something tho- men in general are creatures of habit and need to be pointed in the direction you/your relationship needs. I know both my ex and my new partner would never "realise" what's needed unless it's pointed out. 

    Your baby is still small and things will take time to adjust to your new life and all of the new roles you have take on. You have a baby and a toddler to care for at that's hard...I had days when my girls were small when all I talked about was peppa pig...things will be come easier! Both yours and your hubbys roles are as important to your family but remember your role to each other too..

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