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Grandmothers wants and our needs

I had TTTS and lost my twin girl Ellie Hope @ 5 months 5 days. My mum has been through it all with me as my partner has had to work to keep a roof over our heads which in its self is upsetting because he gets all information about our surving twin girl Phoebe Grace second hand.

I have a big family and this being my first pregancy everyone is so excited and who can blame them I am to. The first kick the first time I heard thier heartbeats the first time my mothering instinct kicked in when I found out I had TTTS and having to travel 80 miles to birmingham to have laser surgery to save our daughters.

I have just turned 29 weeks yesturday and went to visit my mum as we both work is difficult to spend any time together without it being us travelling for a scan or hospital appointment to just chill and it not be all rush rush. One of my aunts was there and as the day went on we got on to talk of Ellie Hope and what they would like to remember her picture etc which I do not want and have since told all my family that which they have accepted thankfully.

I also needed to talk to my mum as at the moment I do not want to see Ellie Hope as she has her angel wings for 4 and a half months and seeing her once she is born is not the way we want to remember her but my mum has said that she want to because she doesnt want her to not have at least had a hug and a kiss goodbye from family. I have told her this is not want and now she has fell out with me saying that I do not want her at the birth full stop and that me and my partner can go it alone and for me not to visit. I have no clue what to do apart from backing down and letting her see Ellie Hope which I would resent her for as I feel guilty enough not wanting to see my own daughter and she would have had if I do.  HELP !!!

Myself and my partner are still taking each day as it comes and we have our bad days and our good days and its getting better happy in the knowledge that we did as much as we could to save Ellie and Phoebe by having the laser surgery and after being asked to donate my amniotic fluid and bloods for research for future parents we have also contributed to the saving of other babies and helping the research along to hopefully catch the syndrome early and treat it.

I would like any feed back and suggestions to make this better between my mum and me even if its stick to your guns and do whats best for you. Thanks Cazmo


  • Hi - I dont have any experience of the difficult time you have faced recently, but I didnt want to read and run! Firstly, sorry for your loss, and for the hard decisions you have had to make. Having read your post, I am touched that you have found some positivity in donating some of your fluid etc for research to help other parents in your situation in future. 

    Regarding the situation with your mum, I understand that she would like to hold her grand-daughter, but I also completely understand your feelings regarding this. If it were me, I would explain that I appreciate how she feels, but that you and your partner are parents and need to do what is best for you and your gorgeous baby at this time so you are standing your ground. 

    I bet a lot of what she said about you going it alone etc were all said in the heat of the moment, but maybe explain to her that you are looking to focus on the amazing future you will have with your surviving twin, and would like to preserve the memory you have of Ellie Hope to help you as time passes (rather than a memory in a relatively clinical setting like a hospital). 

    Good luck xx

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