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Help with DP and MIL.

Hello everyone, 

I would really, really appreciate some advice about a current, and ongoing it seems, situation occurring in my life. I am desperately upset and am feeling at a complete loss right now so any advice on what to do would be much appreciated. 

I gave birth to my first baby earlier this year. I am an extremely devoted Mummy and am completely besotted by my LO. 

However, I'm finding that my OH isn't as excited or even happy by our new family. He advises me that he loves our LO, and I can see that he does, but he also states that he feels a lot of resentment towards her because she has 'stolen me from him.' OH feels that our daughter has 'ruined me!' 

Since having our LO my partner, although reducing the amount of time spent doing other things has occurred, he doesn't seem to have been that affected by our bubba, except that he feels he's lost me (which he tells me all the time.) OH still goes out drinking till early hours the next morning, and sometimes doesn't even come home (which he has now decided that he will stay 'elsewhere' when he goes out drinking - at least once a week!) He doesn't help out very much with our daughter - he does the occasional feed and bathtime (although he does do a lot of nappy changes) but he never offers to help - only waits until I ask him for help (which is usually because I need the bathroom.) He looses his temper with our daughter when she cries and always makes digs at me that he can 'never relax because he has a baby!' If I sit on a different sofa to him of an evening, he thinks i don't love him anymore.

OH CONSTANTLY goes on about me not giving him enough affection or sex and has put constant pressure on me about this since my six week check up. 

We have argued constantly about this over the last six months. I keep trying to reassure him that I do love him, which I really really do, but he feels that I need to be sleeping with him more for me to be able to convince him off this. 

Now to add to the issues OH's MIL has  advised me that I am not being the woman she raised her son to believe he deserves. Apparently I should have his dinner ready on the table when he gets in from work, that my OH shouldn't be expected to play or look after our daughter after work as he should be relaxing with his feet up, and that I should get over the pain I physically feel and should be letting him have sex whenever he wants it. MIL advises me that this is how she raised him and that this is what my OH wants.

MIL has also stated that I am way to involved with our daughter and i shouldn't be paying her so much attention. She advises me that both her and her husband should be having more to do with our LO and it is their right to be able to take her out and push the pram through the town. MIL things that I am a posh snob (because of my Christian upbringing) and has told me that she doesn't like that her and her huaband can't just turn up to our house to see their grandchild but they have to arrange it with me first. 

I feel like a total failure and feel like I am not what my partner wants. I feel like I've run out of ways that I can convince my partner, and now his parents, that I do love him, without having to completely sacrifice who I am and without jeopardising the life and time I am trying to give to our daughter.

Since being with my OH (which wasn't very long before me becoming pregnant) I have found out some very worrying and shocking things about his parents - so much so that I am absolutely terrified of not giving my OH the life they want him to have. I am scared to death to leave my LO with them. 

MIL controls my OH through fear and is constantly putting him down. OH has admitted to me that he is frightened of his parents and will therefore, not do anything to jeopardise his relationship with them. 

I really really don't know what to do. Can anyone help?! 

Thank you so much for listening X 

Replies

  • Wow, I am somewhat in shock by what I have just read...

    OK,  your OH is allowed to feel a bit of upset about having to share your time with baby  (similar may happen if you ever have more children, your current child may feel rejected too) BUT he also needs to appreciate that this is how things are going to be for a fair bit of your future. 

    No man nor woman should ever force sex on another. If you are not in the mood then he needs to appreciate that just as you would in the reverse. As for his mum suggesting you give it at his request...alarm bells ring with that one  (she is effectively suggesting that you accept DV as the normal ).

    We have come a long way from 'medieval times' which is the method your MIL seems to be suggesting that you live by. I think you may need to have a talk with both her & her son about modern life & parenting...good luck. X

  • Hello.

    Thank you so much for your reply and for taking the time to read my post. 

    Can I just ask .... What does DV mean? 

    I completely understand that my OH may be struggling with the adjustment that he doesn't have my attention as much as he used to but him telling me that I'm making him unhappy has been going on since two weeks after our little one was born. He then begun the moaning about sex around my six week check up. 

    Due to a few difficulties during birth I am taking a bit longer to recover, so it's not necessarily that I'm 'not in the mood' it's more than I'm very sore and very fragile. I also don't feel it's right I should be giving in to pressure - this isn't how I will be raising our LO. I've told both him, and now his Mother this, but I've been told by his Mother that I need to suck it up and let him have it. 

    OH keeps saying 'I've changed' and that 'I've been ruined by our baby.' Literally don't know what to do :( 

  • I too read your post with shock and huge  huge alarm bells So much so I think you need the help and advice of someone other than us posters on here.  

    I suggest you contact womensaid for advice and support.  The situation you are in sounds extremely volatile.  

    https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

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    Please be careful, the situation you are in is not a normal situation/relationship.  

  • I feel so sorry for you. You seem stuck in a controlling...verging on abusive relationship. 

    I'm in no way equipped to give advice and agree with the lady above and you need to speak to woman's aid or something similar. 

    Perhaps even your doctor could help.

    Stay safe.

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