Having a... thing. With an old 'friend' whos in a relationship and has just had a baby.

Please do not judge me on the title.

Ive known my friend around 10, 11 years. We have always had an amazing connection. We were introduced as i was dating his friend when we were around 15 and have been very close ever since.

From the first time we clocked eyes on one and other there was instant chemistry. Safe to say his friend and i never made it past 2 months. I still spoke to him and still went and got a drink with him.

One night one thing led to another and we slept together but that was it. The feelings were there but neither of us acted on them and put it down to the drink. (he is way out of my league, Looks like a male model lol) We never made a big deal of it and nothing ever came of it.

We spoke on and off for years only being at the least a few months without talking. We both moved on with our lives and were happy. He was in a relationship around 5 years ago and has a little boy. His girlfriend at the time sadly passed away around a year after their son was born. As imaginable this was a horrific time for him so, I was up visiting a lot more and we were in contact a lot more too.

As I was constantly there the same thing happened again. we sort of started seeing each other I was up a lot spending time with him and occasionally sleeping together. But again we never acted on any feelings and never told one and other how we felt. After a while, we stopped and went our separate ways again.

Still talking every few months just checking in and catching up. Until The start of this year. We were both in relationships. I had been on and off with my then partner for 7 years, him also being the father to my 3-year-old son. My 'friend' is also in a relationship of 3 years and partner has recently given birth to their daughter.

We have been talking every single day literally for the past 4 months. Deep conversations about how things used to be, how things could have been different if we spoke about how we felt. He also told me he was in love with me. I never said it back and asked if he meant he loved me or if he was IN love with me. He said he knew the difference and he's knew for a long time how he felt. I instantly felt bad for his girlfriend. We started meeting up. Nothing happening just meeting up having a catch-up and leaving it at that. We speak every morning all day until bed. He leaves the house on purpose and takes the long road to the shop so we can talk on the phone.

The day his daughter was born he came to visit me and show me pictures as soon as he left the hospital. Ive not told him im in love with him because I'm not. And i wouldn't lie about it. We have spoken about his life and relationship and he sais hes going to end it with his partner as there is just nothing between them anymore.

Problem being i really like him. He comes and visits me when he finishes work before he goes home. We talk and for that brief 10 minutes, it feels normal, we hug and he leaves. We agreed nothing will ever happen until he has finished with his partner and at least a few months down the line.

He's everything in life I could ever ask for. Hardworking, generous, funny, caring, not to mention insanely good looking lol, In all the years he still gives me that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see his name on my phone or see him pull up outside my house. When he hugs me I wish he would never let me go. The chemistry is definitely still there and that's on both parts. The first thing i do in the morning is to check my phone to see if i have a message from him and if  not ill message him first. Then that's us right through till the end of the night, talking all day regardless of what we're doing. Obviously within reason.

I asked him if he wanted to stop whatever it was we were doing and give things a go with his partner but he said their relationship is dead in the water, there's no going back for them because there's just no feelings or sparks between them.

He said its been life this for a while and i do remember last autumn time we were talking and he was considering finishing things with her but that's when she found out she was pregnant so it was an inappropriate time.

My whole life has been one bad man after another. My son's father took drugs had no job and never helped me around the house or with our son. he would disappear from Friday to Monday his phone would be off and he hit me hence why we are no more. But my 'friend' has a job doesn't do drugs as his head screwed on shoulders and knows what he wants from life. I want to be with him and he sais he does me. But am i fooling myself to believe it will actually happen?