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MIL driving me to my wits end


I'll start by saying I have social anxiety. I have always had this problem ever since I was little. I met my DH in 2010 and found it too often that his parents wanted to go out for dinner (almost every second weekend). I put up with it for a while but I didn't even see my family that often. I mentioned to my DH that it was too often and he would just tell them we had plans. DH is Mr. Nice Guy and has a hard time seeing his family through my eyes. I know they are good people and their hearts are in the right place. They are very different from me and my family entirely. 

My son was born last December 2016. I knew before he was born that they would be in my life more and that caused me a lot of stress when I was pregnant - just dwelling on that thought. After he was born they came to visit in the hospital late in the evening (we had been there since 4am that day). They brought plants and presents, so many in fact we didn't know how we were going to carry everything to our vehicle. And yes, we did struggle carrying all those presents. The following day they wanted to visit again. I was still experiencing the "high" from the hormones and was wired, had no sleep and was healing from stitches due to a 2nd degree tear. I agreed that I would let them visit again, only to have them complain the whole time that he was sleeping and they wanted to see him open his eyes and hold him. Being born 4 days before Christmas, we had to have them over AGAIN (third visit) in 4 days of my sons early life. They came to my house while I sat on the couch in pain and more tired than I have ever been in my life. They helped themselves to my stash of Gingerales in my fridge and it felt like my personal space was being invaded. I'll add that my family decided to post pone Christmas to a date when I was ready because I just had a baby which was very considerate of them. The In laws continued to bother us on the daily for visits and I started to get really stressed out and I had a mental breakdown. My DH ended up telling them they had to back off for a bit that I needed time with my baby and to recover. 

So, 3 weeks go by and they want to see the baby again. In fact, they wanted to see him every second weekend. That is too much of my time with my little family to give up. My DH works 13 hour days and I'm lucky if I get an hour to spend with him. I know I am being petty and I am sure most people love spending time with their families more often than I do. Like I said, I am very anti social and I do not crave the social interaction. I understand it is their first grandson. They see him every third weekend as that is my compromise. They keep wanting to babysit him. I have told them we do not require a babysitter. Honestly I don't trust them with my son as they don't seem to be as careful as I am with him if that makes sense. 

Now the cherry on top. MIL has to text me every single day. Except weekends. She won't text me when my DH is home. Every day she asks "how r u?" or "what r u doing 2day?". I have never in my life texted her before. She has been keeping this up since February. I usually respond with a simple "We are fine how are you?" thinking if I keep it short and repetitive she'll get bored of texting me. Well, she's not really getting it. Today again she is texting me. This must sound ridiculous to everyone. She is causing me so much stress by bothering me daily. I don't want to text her everyday. I don't want to be her "friend" and I am not her daughter. I don't love her, I will never respond to the "I love you's". I have to hug her 3 times every visit and same with his father. And every visit is just gruelling because it's a game they play "Let's keep the baby away from mom and pass him around" and I have to watch the clock because I am EBP and I need to get home to do that. Honestly I think they are clueless to how I feel, I am not one to have a confrontation and my DH is too nice to put his foot down. He says "it's something we have to get used to, I didn't know my mother was such a burden to you". I don't believe it is something to get used to, I think we need to set boundaries or it is going to put a strain on our marriage. 

I'm sorry this is such a long rant and I know I'm petty and probably being unreasonable. I also understand that my DH is in a very awkward position and I am very upset with his parents that they put him in that position. I just want to go about my day without being reminded that they are breathing down my neck to see him. Is every third Saturday not enough of us? Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do about this daily texting? I really am at my wits end and wish I could talk to my DH without causing an argument. At this point and time I feel like ignoring her.


  • Hey I completely understand where u r coming from. When I was pregnant with my little boy we had to move into husband parents house to save money as we were hoping to buy. At first it was ok, I was heavily pregnant so finding it hard to do simple things and they took me out which was nice of them. Soon as my son was born it began. Got home from the hospital after 3 days of not really sleeping and having to be  induced to find james parents planning visits from relatives and their friends. I tired to talk to James but I think he felt overwhelmed and glad they were helping. We saw James grandparents two days after he was born then james mum's friend came to visit bt turned up when I was sleeping which was awkward. Waking up and finding them huddling around Edward then the next neighbours and so on. At one point I just cried my eyes out and james mum tried to comfort me but she didn't understand the reason or even ask me what was the matter. 

    Once James went back to work I found it hard being in the house with both of them as they r  retired so always around. I end up driving anywhere just to have some space with Edward. James mum didn't really get it as she would always come in asking me all sorts of questions and being up most of the night was the last thing I wanted. She would also run into his room if he was crying or just walk off with Edward from me. Best one was moaning to James that I didn't do anything around the house!! I was shattered getting up every night most ppl leave stuff I thought with a new born bt she just made me feel like I wasn't good enough and why couldn't she help more, etc, etc.

    Things got better after we moved out bt it was a long 4 months, never to be repeated. A few times I nearly went to my mums to stay bt she has mental health issues and think that would of been the end for us. 

    We argued a lot after we moved out as I wanted james to talk to his mother about the complete obsession over Edward and of course texting me throughout the day. I just stopped texting her back only messaging when we had done something maybe a nice picture. I said to James it's his mother he needs to talk to her not just me? So I would get him to ring her and she would complain about how I didn't text back, when are they gonna see him. He is growing up so fast we never see him!! Thought god I never spend time with my husband especially as I return to work when he was 9 months old. 

    Ive found it's got easier as Edwards got older, he's nearly two now so will say no nana which I just giggle at and think yep my boy can say no don't pick me up and walk away, stopping saying my name million times to get my attention. I'm busy doing my own thing. She has now stopped texting me all the time and now continuously messages james so I think he is finally seeing how she can be.

    Seeing the grandparents every other week is not that bad. Trust me I know how obsessive grandparents can be I think they mean well bt don't understand it's just a bit much. James mum is the same about the hugging thing just smile and think thank god we only see them once in a while. When Edward was I bit older he stayed over night with the grandparents which helped. Gave us time and meant they had time with Edward. Everyone happy.

    Think the bottom line is every other week is not that bad bt u could say mayb not this week as we hav things planned as a family! They hav to  realise you're also a family now, they r the grandparents not parents. Stop the texting thing tho and if she complaints to your partner then so be it. Let him deal with his mother. U can be busy u know lol 

    I hope this helps. I feel for u and completely understand what it's like feel like to think doesn't anyone else c how obsessive they can be?   

  • Hi Sarah12489,

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful and supportive response! I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's such a big change in life and I know I've been in their lives for many years now but am still not completely comfortable being myself when around them. I'm going to take your advice and ignore the text messages and if it comes up then so be it :) You have made me feel so much better. I don't feel like such a terrible person. Thank you so much again. :)

  • Hey sorry I've only just realised you replied. My phone didn't give me an update! I'm glad my messaged helped and I hope ur doing well! 

  • wow!! I am sorry for that..I think it happens often

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